Generational relationships

Agree with every word you said Day6. I truly believe that if you bring children into this world you are responsible for them until they are able to look after themselves. My children are all grown up but my wife and myself still help them whenever they need it.

Very interesting posts Flump and yes very true. The Aricept wasn't about to help my mum unfortunately, wish it had have been!

True Alexa.

My mum took so many tablets, which I did question, could this be given in liquid form? no, too expensive, could the capsule be opened and the powder given with water no, not good for the stomach, and so on.
I've learnt a lot about the medication my mum was on since she passed and really wonder if she needed it all, some I've since learnt have high negative qualities! You need to trust the Doctors, but as we know, with the best of intentions, they are not always correct. When you have a loved one with a terrible disease, you do as much research as possible and end up knowing a lot more than your average GP or nurse.

Alexa, that is true. One of the things I found frustrating was the GPs assumption that once she was diagnosed with dementia then everything was dementia. Just because you have dementia it doesn't mean you can't have cancer, pneumonia or anything else. I found the biggest problem was getting treatment for depression which she clearly had, it can be confusing but it is so easy to dismiss these things.

I do think it must be terrible for people without family/friends to advocate for them. The fact that my relative is now in an excellent home with a very proactive manager and a GP that runs clinics at the home (which means he has far more knowledge that the average GP in relation to these conditions, in my opinion) has taken such a weight off my shoulders. When she was at home I had to keep so many balls in the air with the biggest one being them re prescribing a medication that had a terrible effect on her mental health.

I had more rows with doctors/nurses/social workers in the last year she was at home than I have had in a lifetime times 10.

Yogagirl wrote:

"the wonders of the right medication, and with my mother & her fellow home mates, the dangers of the wrong medication too!"

An old experienced GP told me that often an elderly woman is diagnosed as depressed and medicated accordingly but she actually has underactive thyroid which is so easily medicated. Mind you, this was twenty years ago when maybe routine blood tests did not include thyroid tests. I mean diagnosis might sometimes be biased towards whatever is the trend.

Yes Yogagirl there is a tablet that can slow down dementia/alzheimers, it is Aricept (also called Donepezil in the generic form) I said it had been tried and didn't work for her but the point about it is it doesn't turn the clock back, it can slow it down but that doesn't help with what people are currently suffering.

I also explained that other things had been tried and nothing works for her. The human brain is very complex and there is no magic tablet just things that might help.

If you have been involved with dementia you will know the oft repeated saying, "If you know one person with dementia you know one person with dementia." It is so true, my relative has a particularly difficult presentation, that comes from a psychiatrist who specialises in dementia and Alzheimers. I think all forms are heartbreaking as we lose the person we know but without a doubt some people have a more challenging presentation than others.

I obviously need to repeat; My dear Mother suffered from vascular dementia for 6yrs, I know fully the heart ach, I know fully the pain, I know fully the difficulties for my mum, for my dad and for me. I studied this condition for the 6yrs my mother suffered with it and still to this day, I learn more.

Good post Flump

They now do have a tablet that slows the destruction of dementia & Alzheimer's, sadly much too late for my dear mum However other tablets can be used to help both conditioners, helping the sufferer lead a more normal & pleasant life and that in turn helps the AC carer and all the family.

I wish there was a magic tablet. Aricept slows things down for some but was no use. Antipsychotics aren't recommended but were eventually tried in the hope they would help with the hallucinations but again no good.

As I said the effects vary but all involve "losing" the loved one sometimes to be replaced by a placid, happy childlike person and at the other end of the spectrum you get a violent, aggressive and very unhappy person. Neither is ideal but if I get it I hope I get the first version.

Good grief yogagirl.
You really think your dog’s arthritis can be compared to the ravages and cruelty of dementia?
Have you really no idea how distressing your post must be to those gransnetters caring for loved ones with this condition?
As mcem says, if there was any effective treatment for Alzheimer’s or vascular dementia, doctors would be using it already.
I can’t decide if you’re vindictive or stupid or both.

Some vets give human mediation to our pets, as they work better and are a fraction of the price.

mcem I know only too well it is not simple, 6yrs of caring for my dear mother taught me that. An animals body works near on the same as ours, especially a dogs, and that has taught me the wonders of the right medication, and with my mother & her fellow home mates, the dangers of the wrong medication too!

What an insensitive and crass comparison!
If only the administration of a little pill could ease such distress .
Wonder why doctors aren't already doing this if it's so simple!

Janeainsworth No doubt I didn't word that correctly, but I'm just going by my little dog, she had a problem with a weak bladder, well she is 98yrs old. My vet gave her a tiny little white pill and no more problem, amazing, same with her arthritis in her back legs, after a neighbour living in a bungalow looked after her for a week, she came home and then couldn't get up my stairs and I had to carry her up for 6mnths, till I discovered glucosamine easy treats, after just 3 days she was running up the stairs like a race horse. So that's what I mean by a little pill can do wonders.

Since 1988, when my mother died, I have felt tremendous guilt that I didn't do more for her. She'd had a tough life, but never me me feel she had any expectations of me. Now I realise how selfish I was it has made me believe I should have no expectations of my own children. Should we have any expectations of our children: after all, they didn't ask to be born.

yoga Maybe different medication would help, it's amazing what a little pill can do to the body & mind do you have the slightest idea of how crass that suggestion is?

flump that must be so difficult.

I'm not sure what you mean about being my step aunt makes a difference to how much I can deal with her behaviour? I have a lasting power of attorney so legally I am the person who makes decisions, she hasn't got any other family.

Medication doesn't make a difference, GP and psychiatrist and now the home's doctor have tried everything and some make her worse, unless they gave her something to make her a zombie and fortunately the home aren't like that.

To be honest I would advise people to be very cautious about agreeing to have the LPA, it is a difficult thing if dementia effects people like it does her. I couldn't even count the number of nasty phone calls I used to get from people who she had told I was going to have her locked up so I could have her money. Yes that's why I got her into an expensive home that is rocketing through her savings.

So very sorry Flump very difficult situation and awful to hear how your step-aunt acts. Being your step-aunt makes a difference to how much you can deal with such behaviour, your aunt is very lucky that you have tried to help as much as you have, well done Maybe different medication would help, it's amazing what a little pill can do to the body & mind. Good luck xx

Yogagirl, it is a sort of aunt but not by blood, parents step sister but an aunt to me as a child.

No you are wrong about dementia, this is what she has and she is violent, aggressive, terrified of hallucinations, sexually disinhibited (to the point where male carers can't work with her as they are at risk) and incredibly sad. It is a living nightmare and as far as you can possibly imagine from gentle and child like.

I have done my best with her for years and it is such a relief that she is somewhere safe. I visit regularly but if the manager told me my visits were adding to her distress I would stop the visits, her life is awful enough and I would never do anything to make it worse. I think it would be very selfish of me to insist on visiting her if it made her unhappy.

Jeanie99 Very well done you, you sound like a lovely kind hearted person, your mother was very lucky to have you as a daughter and your H&D sound just as nice. xx

Read the posts janeainsworth Cassandra was talking about someone else's mother, not her own and I spoke of the manager of the home, not the daughter.

123flump your right about those suffering with dementia being different, my mother was as sweet and gentle as she had always been and seemed quite happy. She couldn't speak sadly, but as I visited most days she def still knew me and her face would light up when I arrived. Who is the relative Fluff you never say, an auntie perhaps?

My mum was at the home for 4yrs and in that time I made friends with another family that visited regularly [still friends today, 8yrs on] Their father had Alzheimer's disease and was quite different to my dear mum, he could at times be difficult and a bit violent, but they loved him so, and would never dream of abandoning him. There was another lady that lived in the home, I didn't know her or her family that visited, but she was destructive when ever she entered the room and her family had great trouble trying to control her, I felt very sorry for them as they were trying their best with her and obviously still loved her, disputed her impossible behaviour.

I have always thought that with Dementia the person is gentle and quite child like, whereas with Alzheimer's they are aggressive and not too pleasant at times. But I don't know if I'm correct in saying that, just going by the people I have seen with the two different diseases. I know they both come under the same umbrella of brain disease, and in each category one can be quite different to the other, all individual .

In those situations need

is that abandonment? yes Cassandra* it is. How on earth can a manger tell a D not to visit {confused] that's outrages!
yogagirl how can you possibly know enough about Cassandra’s friend’s mother to make such a hysterical and judgemental comment?
It’s extremely distressing for relatives when dementia sufferers no longer recognise them, or become upset or violent when they visit.
The last thing relatives in those situations is a complete stranger like you accusing them of abandoning their loved one.

No it isn't abandonment, continuing to visit if it distressed her would be cruel. The daughter kept in touch with the home, knew what was happening. In my opinion insisting on visiting would be selfish and cruel.

Before my relative went into the home I had a similar dilemma as my visits would set her off but then it made little difference as she was upset all the time so I continued even though it was distressing for me. If it had made her condition worse then what would be the point.

I am lucky in that she is in a wonderful home, I visit as do some old friends but due to their age they can't visit often but they write and send cards. My children also visit and see my GC cheers her up even though she can't really work out who they are, I think it is not unlike when one of the carers takes their dog to work and she likes stroking the dog. Hope my GC wouldn't be too upset about being compared to a dog.

The trouble with dementia is it varies so much, one sufferer might be sitting happily in a comfy chair, not remembering much but happy enough. For my relative it is a living nightmare and she needs constant reassurance as she hallucinates and is often terrified. I would in no way add to her distress.

All families and their relationship with each are clearly different some very caring and others not so.
When my own dear mother developed cancer my youngest child had just started school, I worked part time but when life became difficult for her we moved her into our home. We cared for her for 18 months before she died. I was happy to have my mother with us in her final year and I feel sure she was glad to be with us.
Our daughter now an adult with her own child always says jokingly we have to be nice to her because she will be the one to choose our nursing home.
My husband and his sister also were there for his mother and elderly aunt when they were in their later years.
Family is everything to me and my husband I can't imagine life without them.

is that abandonment? yes Cassandra* it is. How on earth can a manger tell a D not to visit {confused] that's outrages!

My dear mum suffered from dementia for 6yrs, two years she stayed at home with my dad, her husband of 65yrs, then she had to go into a care home, so very sad! I had a busy life with 3C, 4SC, but I visited my mum most days, either on the way to work or on return. I loved my mum dearly and would never ever have abandoned her in her greatest hour of need! Or my dad.

Sheilasue the trouble is with dementia they don't understand they are ill and vulnerable, well my relative didn't anyway. So she wouldn't go in a home until she had no choice.

My dad died young, my mum was ill for a relatively short time but was as sharp as a tack till the end. The thought of getting dementia scares me as nothing else does.