My husband has been having an affair.

Hi again Denil it must be very hard for you. I don't think a break-up is ever clear cut, and he will be trying to spare your feelings too. Of course he cares about you still.

I just noticed that you have a profile photo (you are lovely) and that means that anyone can click on this thread, read about this very personal issue, and then identify you from your profile photo. Just be aware that these forums are public and are sometimes shared on the Gransnet Facebook and Twitter pages ...

Sadly he kept telling me he loves me and would be home etc and the new year would be a fresh start. I believed him. Yes I have no doubt it is a mid life thing and there have been impotency issue, which she also had problems with!

Sometimes you just have to let people go.

lovingit your post made me think of the saying Change is difficult at the start, messy in the middle, and terrific at the end.

Been there and the one thing I learned was once the trust has been broken it is impossible to get it back.Maybe others can but much as I tried I knew I couldn't.
10 years on and I know it was the right decision,he is happily remarried with a young son and I LOVE MY LIFE.

PS I second what Craicon wrote.

Denil, he has not abandoned you yet, but has behaved irresponsibly . I myself have been too 'understanding' towards my late and former husband and so I say to you from what experience I have that you need to express to him your anger and horror at his behaviour. You will know if he possesses any saving graces, most people do. And you yourself need to decide whether or not your trust in him survives sufficiently to continue as his wife, whether or not he has other qualities that you love.

It seems that at least he feels remorse. You should express your anger but I get the feeling that you would like to preserve your marriage, and those are not mutually exclusive, rather the opposite. Some middle aged men feel that their lives lack the excitement that they deserve to experience! It's not difficult to fall in love with an exciting other woman and the silly man will often try to rationalise his affair. He needs to know that his affair affects you deeply and makes you angry, afraid, and grieving. Will he consent to go for counselling?

On a practical level you need to see a lawyer, unless you already know how you stand legally if the worst comes to the worst.Perhaps best not to tell him you are consulting a lawyer, as this could be ammunition against you, as happened to me.

just adding, I agree Craicon !!!

He left the family home in October and 'met' this woman in November ... I suspect it was planned? Seems to me he want's to keep you hanging on a string unless it falls through with this new woman? I know it's easy for me to say right now but trust me, I've been there. Take a deep breath, get your home and finances in order. From a mental point of view start thinking about your life independently from him, get yourself into that frame of mind. Join some clubs or evening classes, anything to take your mind of him. You need to think about you because he certainly isn't! Best wishes XXXX

Imo, Craicon's post is spot on!

Deni, I'm so sorry. (((Hugs)))

I think the issue about dd and family was just an excuse. Either he already knew the woman before November or he had one foot out the door, anyhow.

He has been lying to everyone - you, the other woman, his colleagues. So I don't see how you can trust anything he says.

Again, I'm so sorry. But I would see a solicitor now. Also, I would seek some counseling to help you cope.

OP, he’s already taken you for a fool. Talk to a solicitor ASAP. Don’t wait for him to empty the bank account.
All those happy years you spent together don’t change anything. Keep the memories but look to your future and protect yourself. Don’t rely on him to do the decent thing at this stage as it’s obvious, decency isn’t part of his thinking.

paddyann you write as if the OP is somehow responsible for her husband’s stupidity and could have changed the course of events by pandering to him a bit more?
He is 100% responsible for dropping his trousers and impregnating another woman.
Men like that often try to blame their partners (for not being the perfect doormat) but the reality is, he actively chose to find another bed to lie in all by himself.
If he was so unhappy, it was his responsibility to raise the issue or even to discuss a trial split. Not to lie and manipulate the situation for his own ends. Don’t forget he also deliberately lied to the other woman.
Realistically, nothing his wife did or didn’t do contributed to this sad situation.

Things have been a bit rocky for a while, haven't they, deni?
It doesn't sound as if he is interested in making the marriage work, as hard as that is. It would take effort on both parts to get over this, and it doesn't sound as if much is coming from him. Its a huge betrayal.

I offered kids deposit that they need. He knew that and agreed. They have their own sitting room. I tried hard to make it work for everyone but he had already met this woman beginning of November.

I think you need to talk to him,if he was so against your Dand her family staying maybe there could have been a compromise ,maybe they wouldn't have the run of the house or turn a spare room into a sitting room ofr them so you and your husband had time on your own.Or if that wouldn't work could you help them with a deposit to get them started? I love my kids more than life...honest .My husband is still the most important person IN my life though and he would come first.I'm lucky my marriage is in its 5th decade so they are our kids and he's on the same page as me where they are concerned .I wouldn't go down the solicitor route just yet,it seems to me he was kicking out at feeling second best..TALK to him and see if it can be worked out..if you still love him

So sorry to hear this, Deni. I've been in a similar situation myself including the phone calls while he was with someone else, and I understand how gutted you are feeling. Do NOT allow your husband's dreadful behaviour to break you. I know you feel broken at the moment and it's not surprising, but he has behaved appallingly and why should you carry the burden of "feeling broken" for the rest of your life? You need someone to talk to about it (professional counselling, Samaritans, etc) and to see a solicitor. Frankly he seems to have gone bonkers for all this to have happened in such a short time. Try and be strong, hard I know, but you deserve much much better than this. My thoughts are with you.

So sorry. Make an appointment to see your solicitor. At least you know where you stand now.

He'd been with her in France for the two weeks over Xmas and new year. Yet calling and texting me!