Widowed father and friend

Very cheering to read the people with the positive posts despite a bad time so far in '18. It is hard to be positive and upbeat when life has become difficult and we can all get lost in the misery inside our heads. I always value talking to people who may have similar trials so just wanted to say thank you to those who are able to find a positive. I wish you all the same abilities to do that however long it takes.

I'm not sure I'm going to be positive here though, sorry! It's a difficult one. I can't help but wonder if your father may be in above his head and might appreciate your help in taking this relationship down a notch, or even extricating himself from it. Does he actually seem happy?
Perhaps he too is being overwhelmed by this woman? You really need to get him on his own and have a proper talk about it, not to tell him what to do but to find out whether he's happy with the situation.

I feel sorry for the woman who has been judged as a 'gold digger' and nobody knows her circumstances. They met at a 'bereaved' group. Surely she must be grieving too?

Next time she answers for your Dad, say politely but firmly "I'm sorry, I did not ask you. I want to hear what Dad thinks."

Most overpowering women need to be made aware that you are not going to put up with their behaviour. Try to do so pleasantly or jokingly.

This sounds a very unhealthy situation to me - this lady is said to answer questions that were addressed to the OP's dad, and generally be very overbearing. I do think there are some people who prey on the lonely and this particular scenario rings some warning bells for me.

I'm not quite sure what the answer is. I feel that it probably wouldn't be advisable to issue any sort of ultimatum or to indicate that this person's presence is not welcome. Perhaps make more regular visits (and I agree with the idea if two or more of you could visit together it would be better as she cannot then monopolise the conversation). Stay for longer if the lady is not there - and perhaps your dad could come and stay for short periods.

I am in a similar position to your dad. If he is like me, and lost the one he loved, his overriding feeling is of loss and loneliness. I really miss the companionship of a female. Whilst no one could ever replace the one I lost, and even tho I have children, the loneliness is that of desolation. I have a fabulous friendship and love of my family, and my new 'friend', also a widow, is great fun for me. Please don't infringe your love of your dad. If 'she' is half worth it, she will understand your concerns. Be lucky. You are maybe right to 'be aware'.

I am a widow of over 10 years standing and relatively recently met a newly widowed gentleman. We got on extremely well from the moment we met but I was very aware that his family might have problems with our friendship so short a time after the loss of their mother. We only see each other occasionally and both our families are fine with this. I would love to see more of him but wouldn't dream of trampling on the feelings of others to do so, however hard that might be for me.

And Greengage that is exactly the way to go. You are both showing you understand the feelings of your family.

I think under three years is too soon for AC to accept their father is "replacing" their mother.The age of the AC doesn't come into it ...it was still their mum...and they should let their dad know how they feel .I wouldn't have a lot of respect for anyone who tried to replace a life partner of 50 years in less than that number of months .You have to be considerate of ALL the family

I certainly wouldn't hang around if I was in my late 70s in case it upset my 'children'.

Is he replacing their mum? I never saw it like that when my widowed mother remarried and this couple aren't even getting married, unless I missed that bit.

Do try to visit more often - your father may realise then that she is trying to 'take him over' - or he may not.
I would try not to cause a family rift over this because that is probably what could happen. He is probably very lonely and this woman may have the best of intentions or she may have 'zoned in' on his vulnerability.

It does ring warning bells for me too, so you need to keep in contact - and try not to criticise her to him because he may become defensive about the relationship and rely on her even more.

paddyann MissAdventure I can only speak from my own experience. In the 10+ years I have been widowed, I have never wanted to look for or find another man. It was my husband I missed.
From everything I have read and heard from others, men tend to 'move on' much faster than women and consider 6 months a perfectly acceptable time to start 'looking around'. In fact one friend of mine knows a man who married just 5 months after the loss of a much loved wife.
I met my friend completely by chance and 'fell' for him instantly which came as a complete shock to me! He had only been widowed a few months and was not 'looking around' at the time as he was finding the loss of his wife very difficult. However, we just clicked naturally and are taking our new friendship very gently which suits both of us and our families.

Greengage I think you are right, widowers in general do seem to be more 'needy' than widows and many seek new relationships very quickly, although there are exceptions to that.

That sounds a lovely arrangement, greengage, it must be so nice to have someone special to spend time with. However slowly or quickly you want to take things. That was my point. Its up to each person how things progress, and rightly so.

I don't mx the lover and the family except for Christmas and the odd occasion in the year.
I've known him for eight years now and it seems to work just fine.
Actually I don't expect their partners to be my best friends either (though one of them comes close to it) and I certainly wouldn't expect my family to be the ones to decide when I should or shouldn't enjoy the company of anyone.
I'd recommend the OP and her sisters make arrangements to see their dad on their own and let him enjoy the company of his friend when he has time and space in his busy family diary!

Greengage maybe I look at it differently because I come from along line of women widowed young...ish .late 30's.50's and 60's who never even looked at another man my Gran was a widow twice as long as she had been a wife and as far as I'm aware she was perfectly happy ,busy ,involved in politics and her church and with her family .As was her mother before her and hers and my mother who was widowed in her 60's and lived till her 80's.I cant even imagine ever looking for someone else if my OH dies before me ,I do appreciate thet others think differently but I do think some respect for family should be shwn.I know a man who moved a woman into his home just 2 MONTHS after his wife died.Her parents in particular were devastated as they felt he'd just wiped out her memory .Being selfish is never good in my opinion

paddyann I was 60 when my husband died unexpectedly. I know what you are saying as I also never wanted nor expected to meet anyone else I would be the slightest bit interested in. I am lucky in so far as I have always been good in my own company, so although alone I didn't really suffer from loneliness.
However, by chance I met this widower and it was like being struck by a bolt of lightening. It was the last thing I ever expected especially at the age of 70! It has caused me shock and considerable emotional stress. If our friendship is all I get from this relationship, it will still be like gold to me. Like you, I also believe that other people's feelings have to be taken into account.

I've just remembered that eldest son's FiL is in the same situation. His wife, a lovely woman , died of motor neurone disease about 10 years ago. He got friendly with her physio, who was also on her own, and they've been together since then.
I think he might have had people questioning her motives (I never did), because he explained to me, he didn't think she was a gold digger because she had capital from the sale of her house. I don't think she is either. They're good companions.

We humans are a vulnerable bunch, being tossed to and fro during our lives and loves. In the end, we each have to do what feels right for us, especially as older age embraces us, I think none of us want to be lonely. So if we are lucky enough to meet someone who cares, just a little, how can it be wrong to enjoy a genuine friendship, in our later years. Be lucky.

I'm with you geeljay!

I have tried to take the advice on board, I live 3 hours drive from my dad so can't visit on a weekly basis but my sister's have kept visiting and trying to carry on as normal.

But .... this morning my dad has said he is going abroad with the woman for 10 days holiday - I am afraid this took me by surprise so I didn't say anything but I am besides myself- I am trying not to act like a spoilt brat as I am in my 50's not a child but this has really upset me as well as my sisters, I know it sounds silly but I really feel as if I can't even speak to him at the moment as I don't want to say anything that I will regret whilst I am so upset.

I really don't want to stop him having a life and friends and to be honest even a weekend in this country wouldn't have been so bad but to go abroad ( he is not a traveller) to stay with this bossy, overpowering woman's relative just feels too much and not the right thing to do. Just don't know what to say - really don't want to come across as selfish.

I don't really understand why you don't want him to go, but
I would wait a few days before you do anything, you might say something in the heat of the moment that you will regret later.

Why do you not want your dad to have a 10 day holiday abroad?
When you say its not the right thing to do, what exactly do you mean?

So have you asked him to come and stay with you. One week in four say. Your sisters could have him to stay as well so that would be three weeks out of four he wasn't alone.
Ormaybe he could move n with one of them permanently
Or you could move down to live with him.

Have you and your sisters already booked your this year's holidays with him? Let's say two lots of two weeks each. He'll have a nice lot of holidays to look forward to with you.

None of those things?

You think he should be on his then and grateful for an occasional visit.

Seriously how do you think he should be spending his life?