Just don't know what to do.

But why would you want to be bothered after such a lack of consideration and such betrayal!

Just as an after thought is he perhaps trying to force you into telling him to go, so that he can use that as an excuse to absolve himself of all blame by saying ' well you've told me to go et etc'

It could be that your partner is trying to push you into 'making the effort' as it were. It doesn't seem to bother men to know their partner could take it or leave it, in my experience.

would you be prepared to seek outside help,(GP) for your lack of sex life? Would that put things back on track?Lots of women go off sex at Menopause but either get back to some sort of normality or make an effort even when its the last theing they want..I speak from experience .There is help available so maybe enquire if it would be something that would work for you

Firstly just to say so sorry to read your predicament, you only have control over your own feelings & actions & that's what you need to focus on now. Do not accept a situation you are not clear about, especially if it is going to be ongoing, take your time to think through the various outcomes & practicalities,emotional, financial etc, thinking of you, & best wishes.

I don't mean to pry, and you certainly don't need to answer, but I'm thinking about you saying that you can no longer have sex. If one partner wants a physical relationship and one doesn't, it is always going to leave one party unhappy with the arrangement. Is either one wrong? I don't really think so.. I'm just pondering, not criticising by the way. Its a difficult situation.

If the shoe were on the other foot and it was you who wanted to seek a sex life outside the relationship, would he be as accepting as he expects you to be?

Ooops – sorry, I missed the second message. We're not married, but no, we certainly didn't agree to an open relationship all those years ago. We have always been happy and faithful.
We have talked for hours about our relationship and sex but don't really get anywhere. He says he isn't deserting me, because he wants everything to carry on as normal at home. I have said that I can't stop him behaving how he wants, but if his plan succeeds then he would have to take the consequences, whatever they are (I can't even predict how I'd feel but it's not looking good so far!).

Yes, that's what he says he wants. I don't think it could work because it's hard to share a life with and be kind to someone who has hurt me so profoundly. I can't even speak to him at the moment (2 weeks on). I don't know if he's being unreasonable. I don't know whether he is entitled to a sex life. I feel that I don't know anything. I feel that if he goes ahead with this plan I will always be pretending to like him just to make home life bearable and that would be such a strain.

My feeling is that unless you agreed to an open relationship when you married 35 years ago, then he is being a selfish git!

I am not surprised you are hurt. This is a betrayal. It's definitely a cake and eat it situation.

You need to talk, probably about your sex life. It is a need for sexual activity which is driving him want to look for it outside of marriage. He won't be the first man to do this, or the last, but he surely knew when you married that there may come a time when you'd be sexually incompatible? I imagine you will be extremely miserable, hurt and unhappy when he stays away for periods of time. He is effectively deserting you.

If he believes marriage is for life then he has to appreciate how he is hurting you. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds completely unacceptable to me. I hope you can work it out.

In short then, he wants to have his cake and eat it too? How do you picture that working? Could it work? Do you think he is being unreasonable, or do you think he may be entitled to still want a sex life?