Just don't know what to do.

In short then, he wants to have his cake and eat it too? How do you picture that working? Could it work? Do you think he is being unreasonable, or do you think he may be entitled to still want a sex life?

My feeling is that unless you agreed to an open relationship when you married 35 years ago, then he is being a selfish git!

I am not surprised you are hurt. This is a betrayal. It's definitely a cake and eat it situation.

You need to talk, probably about your sex life. It is a need for sexual activity which is driving him want to look for it outside of marriage. He won't be the first man to do this, or the last, but he surely knew when you married that there may come a time when you'd be sexually incompatible? I imagine you will be extremely miserable, hurt and unhappy when he stays away for periods of time. He is effectively deserting you.

If he believes marriage is for life then he has to appreciate how he is hurting you. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds completely unacceptable to me. I hope you can work it out.

Yes, that's what he says he wants. I don't think it could work because it's hard to share a life with and be kind to someone who has hurt me so profoundly. I can't even speak to him at the moment (2 weeks on). I don't know if he's being unreasonable. I don't know whether he is entitled to a sex life. I feel that I don't know anything. I feel that if he goes ahead with this plan I will always be pretending to like him just to make home life bearable and that would be such a strain.

Ooops – sorry, I missed the second message. We're not married, but no, we certainly didn't agree to an open relationship all those years ago. We have always been happy and faithful.
We have talked for hours about our relationship and sex but don't really get anywhere. He says he isn't deserting me, because he wants everything to carry on as normal at home. I have said that I can't stop him behaving how he wants, but if his plan succeeds then he would have to take the consequences, whatever they are (I can't even predict how I'd feel but it's not looking good so far!).

If the shoe were on the other foot and it was you who wanted to seek a sex life outside the relationship, would he be as accepting as he expects you to be?

I don't mean to pry, and you certainly don't need to answer, but I'm thinking about you saying that you can no longer have sex. If one partner wants a physical relationship and one doesn't, it is always going to leave one party unhappy with the arrangement. Is either one wrong? I don't really think so.. I'm just pondering, not criticising by the way. Its a difficult situation.

Firstly just to say so sorry to read your predicament, you only have control over your own feelings & actions & that's what you need to focus on now. Do not accept a situation you are not clear about, especially if it is going to be ongoing, take your time to think through the various outcomes & practicalities,emotional, financial etc, thinking of you, & best wishes.

would you be prepared to seek outside help,(GP) for your lack of sex life? Would that put things back on track?Lots of women go off sex at Menopause but either get back to some sort of normality or make an effort even when its the last theing they want..I speak from experience .There is help available so maybe enquire if it would be something that would work for you

It could be that your partner is trying to push you into 'making the effort' as it were. It doesn't seem to bother men to know their partner could take it or leave it, in my experience.

Just as an after thought is he perhaps trying to force you into telling him to go, so that he can use that as an excuse to absolve himself of all blame by saying ' well you've told me to go et etc'

But why would you want to be bothered after such a lack of consideration and such betrayal!

Also a relationship after time isn't built on sex or lack of it, .People become ill etc & still stay together because the love means more than the physical side , even if that is missed.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts.
I have severe vaginal atrophy and am impenetrable, literally, and have no libido at all. I can't even pleasure myself, it's too painful. I sought and received all possible help at the time (2005-2010) including various HRTs (oral and topical), sex therapy etc. Nothing helped. My partner says he'd be fine if the situation were reversed but I'm me, not him (and I don't know that I believe him!). But I love him and at the moment he is being extremely nice and kind and confusing me more, like he's being good cop and bad cop all in one.
I feel like he's destroyed my life. I can't be loving towards him, do all the little things that made our home life work so well, because I am so full of pain and fear and fury towards him. He thinks I'll come round and everything will be fine again. By the way, he has always had lots of freedom – he's out 3 or 4 nights a week till the small hours doing gigs etc, that's fine, so it's not as if I'm restricting him.

make an effort even when its the last theing they want..I speak from experience - paddyann, do you mean that women should "submit" to sex for a quiet life!? Doesn't sound great to me!

OP - You have a younger partner and this situation was always on the cards. There are people who manage the sort of relationship that your OH is suggesting. It is simply a matter of whether you think this might become tolerable to you. We don't sign up to a lot of things that happen in relationships but are forced to adapt to the situations in which we find ourselves.

You say that he is a good and loving partner - are the things that you do have worth keeping?

The situation wasn't always on the cards. I'd assumed I'd be the sort of lucky woman who could be sexually active into her 80s! Silly me.

Yes, the things we have are worth keeping. But if only it was "simply" a matter of whether I might find it tolerable! Nothing simple here. I don't know whether I can live with someone I don't love, and I don't know whether I could carry on loving someone who wants to behave like a single man.

What he has suggested does not appear to be something you could ever be comfortable with. Also, the fact he has even brought it up (although at least he is being honest and not going behind your back) indicates he is not wholly committed to you. I think you might be very unhappy for the next 20 or more years if you went along with it.

Would a discussion with a neutral third party such as Relate be of any help in clarifying both your needs?

It does seem like a pragmatic solution, to see if I can live with it... but that would involve trying to actively alter my reactions, dampen down/deny my pain etc, and that may be neither possible nor healthy.

And of course, nothing has happened yet! He still has to get out there and find someone who is interested, and at that point, assuming he tells me (or if he's out all night I will assume), I will have to review the situation. In the meantime I won't do anything hasty. We have a house big enough to sell and buy a flat each; I could live on my own but I think he would suffer terribly – and he knows it.

Relate is a strong possibility. I think counselling can be wonderful (I have a counsellor myself for anxiety) but he thinks it's all smoke and mirrors!

Try asking him how he would feel if you went out looking for affection and trust in another man, not sex . He knows you wouldn't look for sex because of your medical condition, and it isn't what you're going to miss out on if he does revert to his bachelor status. But affection and trust is what you need, and as you feel he has betrayed you that's what you are going to miss. See how he feels about the idea of you cooking for another man, going out on romantic dates, cuddling up on the sofa together, going for walks, even doing the weekly shopping together. That might make him realise just what he is asking of you. Sex is important in a relationship though, and maybe if he can see your point of view, it might open up a discussion about how you and he can have be intimate without any penetrative.

Oh, I like that idea! All the things you describe are what we do and what he loves so much and I will challenge him to imagine how he'd feel if I took it elsewhere.
Re sex: we have talked and talked. Nothing will do for him except penetration.

Could you opt for a similar strings free life, but without the sex?

By that I mean go off doing your own thing, coming in and out without saying where your going or when you are coming back. Go and stay with friends, and away for weekends. Living together but only doing things together when it is convenient for you.

When he finds himself sittting alone in an empty house, cooking for one and not being sure when you are next due back he might begin to understand part of how you feel.

But he won’t be sitting alone Monica poster has already said he’s out to the early hours there or four evenings a week and it sounds as if he could easily find someone to be with on the other ‘ free’ nights
I can only see it from my point of view and I couldn’t handle it but the fact is the genie is out the bottle now and you know he wants to do it with or without your cooperation so I m afraid I d have to say goodbye to the man I loved and start over on my own personally knowing you have a medical problem but not being prepared to try anything different makes him a selfish git in my opinion

Luckylegs according to the gynaecologist I saw ,the less sex you have the less likely you are to want any...so she SHE recommended that putting effort into it even if I didn't feel like it would be advantageous ..and you know what she was absolutely right.I'm not suggesting for a minute that women should subject themselves to abuse ,just to make an effort...the same as they would in other areas of their lives .Sometimes once you get started its all ok

But poster has a medical problem that makes it too painful and impossible to have ‘ normal’ sex Paddyann it sounds as if she has invited her man to try other ways but he won’t play the game

And of course, nothing has happened yet! He still has to get out there and find someone who is interested, and at that point, assuming he tells me (or if he's out all night I will assume), I will have to review the situation. In the meantime I won't do anything hasty. We have a house big enough to sell and buy a flat each; I could live on my own but I think he would suffer terribly – and he knows it.

This is a telling paragraph, volvox, especially the last part of the last sentence. It could all be bluster. It might be worth your while to do nothing and say nothing and just see what happens. It's possible that nothing will happen.

On the other hand, you could try going out without telling him, not cooking his dinner (because you're out), and such like in a "taste of own medicine" way. Some people have no imagination and perhaps he hasn't considered how it would feel for you because he can't.

Anyway, good luck!