Just don't know what to do.

Such a lot of ideas here! It is helping me just to have different ways to think about it. I agree that payback strategies are not on the cards, it's just not me.
Of course I am wondering whether he already has someone lined up. If so things will move quickly and it will be clearer to me what to do.
I did say to him originally that I won't be organising our cultural life any more – no booking tickets for lovely concerts etc (always my role) – he absolutely couldn't understand it. But that's how it's going to be. I have plenty of friends to go out with, and I enjoy going on my own anyway, so no huge loss – to me.
I will keep you posted.

I agree Eglantine - no-one is really at fault here, so all the payback strategies do not seem appropriate. Here we have two people who want something different in life. He is clear what he wants (or thinks he is) and you are stuck in a situation of deciding whether you can go along with this.

Maybe talking some more (I know you feel all talked out): e.g. "I don't feel happy about continuing with all that I do for you if you are checking out of this relationship - have you thought what that might be like? Things cannot go on as we do now if you are decide to go for the things that you want". Write it down - place it in front of him - list the things that would have to change for you and ask him how he might feel about that. etc. Don't just gradually stop doing things for him - have it out in the open and written down.

What a waste of a good thirty-five year relationship. The dominant factors here are your partner's unkindness and complete lack of empathy. He also sounds to be completely lacking in imagination. Does he honestly expect you to be happy with his proposals; has it ever occurred to him that you too might mourn the lack of a satisfying sex life?
I think you were right in your original post: 'he's searching for his lost youth' although he seems to be making a good attempt at living it now, out at gigs until the small hours , hanging out with forty years olds, pursuing love and sex , ( he hopes). He sounds very much like the unsavoury (current) leader of UKIP who thinks he is no end of a dog.
What you do is up to you. His callousness in being kind to you now he has told you his intentions indicates he is trying to push you into making the decisions about your future.
Hopefully, you will see him for the idiot he is, or he will come to his senses.

Well you can't change what he wants to do. Obviously he's not happy with the way things are and wants his life to be different.
So you have to decide how you want to live your life. With him as a companion? Waiting to see how it develops? Striking out on your own?
He's told you what he wants, now you have to decide what you want.
I don't think all the payback advice is helpful really. It doesn't solve the issue.

I was just considering that if you decided to go for your mans suggestion, he may still end up meeting someone (if he hasn't already) and wanting to be with them. what an awful situation to be in.

Your partner sounds a reasonable person. I recommend you go together to the best marriage counsellor you can afford for as many sessions as it takes to understand the way ahead for you both.
If a companionate marriage is feasible for you both why not at least consider it? I can think of much worse .

To be brutally honest, it does appear that he is already seeing another woman. Men like a safety blanket and rarely strike out alone to ‘do their own thing’ unless there is another female on the horizon.
You could do some detective work, but then how would you feel if there is someone else? Would you separate from him, or continue as you are now?
Good luck with whatever path you choose.

I really feel for you, OP, but I can't help wondering from all he's said whether he has already met someone? Sorry to bring that up but it sounds like a possibility.

I agree about the use it or lose it option another poster mentioned. I thought that vaginal atrophy can be reversed with the right treatment. Is it worth another trip to your GP? Perhaps medical treatment options have progressed since you last visited about this issue? I do hope things work out for you.

Great minds and all that... I have already stopped leaving him dinner to heat up when he gets in, because I no longer feel like it. I have also said I'm not sharing a bed with him any longer. Not sure about the going out without telling him thing... I do go out during the day alone or with friends a lot, but I always say where and when I'll be back – just seems considerate to me, one of those things you do to keep the home life running. I might try it, though. He's gone out several times recently without saying where or when.

This is hard but in the end the onus is NOT on you to "allow" him to do this. You are unhappy and uncomfortable, hurt and upset. Tell him:
*How you are feeling
*That you know that you could not cope with this arrangement
*That only he can decide which is more important to him...your relationship or the lifestyle arrangement that he has suggested
*Give him a deadline to make his mind up and whilst waiting start finding out your options if he chooses to end your relationship

I don't want to appear unsympathetic, I really really feel for you ...but please take control of this situation even though the possible consequences are scary!!

Absolutely luckygirl! No respect for him at all now. If he really can't see beyond penetration, has no intention of trying other things and is insistent on getting it elsewhere, then I'd get out of the relationship. What a selfish man!

His insistence on penetration when that is not possible is unreasonable. You cannot do what you cannot do.

And of course, nothing has happened yet! He still has to get out there and find someone who is interested, and at that point, assuming he tells me (or if he's out all night I will assume), I will have to review the situation. In the meantime I won't do anything hasty. We have a house big enough to sell and buy a flat each; I could live on my own but I think he would suffer terribly – and he knows it.

This is a telling paragraph, volvox, especially the last part of the last sentence. It could all be bluster. It might be worth your while to do nothing and say nothing and just see what happens. It's possible that nothing will happen.

On the other hand, you could try going out without telling him, not cooking his dinner (because you're out), and such like in a "taste of own medicine" way. Some people have no imagination and perhaps he hasn't considered how it would feel for you because he can't.

Anyway, good luck!

But poster has a medical problem that makes it too painful and impossible to have ‘ normal’ sex Paddyann it sounds as if she has invited her man to try other ways but he won’t play the game

Luckylegs according to the gynaecologist I saw ,the less sex you have the less likely you are to want any...so she SHE recommended that putting effort into it even if I didn't feel like it would be advantageous ..and you know what she was absolutely right.I'm not suggesting for a minute that women should subject themselves to abuse ,just to make an effort...the same as they would in other areas of their lives .Sometimes once you get started its all ok

But he won’t be sitting alone Monica poster has already said he’s out to the early hours there or four evenings a week and it sounds as if he could easily find someone to be with on the other ‘ free’ nights
I can only see it from my point of view and I couldn’t handle it but the fact is the genie is out the bottle now and you know he wants to do it with or without your cooperation so I m afraid I d have to say goodbye to the man I loved and start over on my own personally knowing you have a medical problem but not being prepared to try anything different makes him a selfish git in my opinion

Could you opt for a similar strings free life, but without the sex?

By that I mean go off doing your own thing, coming in and out without saying where your going or when you are coming back. Go and stay with friends, and away for weekends. Living together but only doing things together when it is convenient for you.

When he finds himself sittting alone in an empty house, cooking for one and not being sure when you are next due back he might begin to understand part of how you feel.

Oh, I like that idea! All the things you describe are what we do and what he loves so much and I will challenge him to imagine how he'd feel if I took it elsewhere.
Re sex: we have talked and talked. Nothing will do for him except penetration.

Try asking him how he would feel if you went out looking for affection and trust in another man, not sex . He knows you wouldn't look for sex because of your medical condition, and it isn't what you're going to miss out on if he does revert to his bachelor status. But affection and trust is what you need, and as you feel he has betrayed you that's what you are going to miss. See how he feels about the idea of you cooking for another man, going out on romantic dates, cuddling up on the sofa together, going for walks, even doing the weekly shopping together. That might make him realise just what he is asking of you. Sex is important in a relationship though, and maybe if he can see your point of view, it might open up a discussion about how you and he can have be intimate without any penetrative.

It does seem like a pragmatic solution, to see if I can live with it... but that would involve trying to actively alter my reactions, dampen down/deny my pain etc, and that may be neither possible nor healthy.

And of course, nothing has happened yet! He still has to get out there and find someone who is interested, and at that point, assuming he tells me (or if he's out all night I will assume), I will have to review the situation. In the meantime I won't do anything hasty. We have a house big enough to sell and buy a flat each; I could live on my own but I think he would suffer terribly – and he knows it.

Relate is a strong possibility. I think counselling can be wonderful (I have a counsellor myself for anxiety) but he thinks it's all smoke and mirrors!

What he has suggested does not appear to be something you could ever be comfortable with. Also, the fact he has even brought it up (although at least he is being honest and not going behind your back) indicates he is not wholly committed to you. I think you might be very unhappy for the next 20 or more years if you went along with it.

Would a discussion with a neutral third party such as Relate be of any help in clarifying both your needs?

The situation wasn't always on the cards. I'd assumed I'd be the sort of lucky woman who could be sexually active into her 80s! Silly me.

Yes, the things we have are worth keeping. But if only it was "simply" a matter of whether I might find it tolerable! Nothing simple here. I don't know whether I can live with someone I don't love, and I don't know whether I could carry on loving someone who wants to behave like a single man.

make an effort even when its the last theing they want..I speak from experience - paddyann, do you mean that women should "submit" to sex for a quiet life!? Doesn't sound great to me!

OP - You have a younger partner and this situation was always on the cards. There are people who manage the sort of relationship that your OH is suggesting. It is simply a matter of whether you think this might become tolerable to you. We don't sign up to a lot of things that happen in relationships but are forced to adapt to the situations in which we find ourselves.

You say that he is a good and loving partner - are the things that you do have worth keeping?

Thank you so much for all your thoughts.
I have severe vaginal atrophy and am impenetrable, literally, and have no libido at all. I can't even pleasure myself, it's too painful. I sought and received all possible help at the time (2005-2010) including various HRTs (oral and topical), sex therapy etc. Nothing helped. My partner says he'd be fine if the situation were reversed but I'm me, not him (and I don't know that I believe him!). But I love him and at the moment he is being extremely nice and kind and confusing me more, like he's being good cop and bad cop all in one.
I feel like he's destroyed my life. I can't be loving towards him, do all the little things that made our home life work so well, because I am so full of pain and fear and fury towards him. He thinks I'll come round and everything will be fine again. By the way, he has always had lots of freedom – he's out 3 or 4 nights a week till the small hours doing gigs etc, that's fine, so it's not as if I'm restricting him.

Also a relationship after time isn't built on sex or lack of it, .People become ill etc & still stay together because the love means more than the physical side , even if that is missed.