Slight PIL problem

Well you obviously know them personally, 123flump, good to have your insight.

What a coincidence that the dates work like that. They have made it pretty clear that intend to ignore the wishes of the parents and fully expect to see the baby even though they have been told it won't be convenient.

And people say the young are self centred.

I wonder what their reaction would be if they knew they were the subject of so much wild speculation on here.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, as they have said, the DPIL have arranged to fly out to see their other grandchildren at a time that works for them and presumably the DGC’s parents, and are just hoping they can get a glimpse of their new DGC at the same time.

nannyof4 the OPs mother is dead, this isn't about her mother having more access to the baby it is about her PIL ignoring the wishes of her and her husband.

babbawn I was reassured reading your reply to me. Yes, go with the flow and remember you’ll have lots of time with baby.

You will have read every possible range of opinion on here. From your reply I am confident you will pick your way those the minefield of motherhood and managing relationships. And I’m especially sorry you won’t have your own mother there to support you.

I wish you a good labour and a healthy baby x

Ok, rant over. Now, I'll shut up for a while, lol!

Reading this thread, I'm afraid I see a major reason why so many parents and gps have issues. So much talk about what mil needs/wants/will probably do, etc. So much talk about what this one did or how that one's mil was such a help, etc. But this is not "this one" or "that one." This is babybawn and her dh, and baby-to-be.

So much effort, too, to get a mum-to-be to put her and her dh's feelings aside for the sake of the gps. So much pooh-poohing of parental boundaries and parents wanting to be in charge in their own home. Not everyone saying these things is estranged and not everyone who is estranged was so disrespectful of the younger couple's wishes, I know. But from what Iv seen and heard, this dismissive attitude towards young parents is exactly the kind of thing that often leads in the co direction.

Not that bawn said anything about cos. No reason that I can see to say she dislikes her mil either. She and dh BOTH asked BOTH sides of the family to give them the first 2 weeks alone. The ONLY difference is that everyone else complied while mil (and fil) refused to. And yet, bawn is trying to figure out how to compromise with them. That doesn't sound like hatred of mil to me. That sounds like mil (& fil) disrespecting their ds & dil and their dil trying to make the best of it.

And worst of all, imo - so much, "This isn't just about you!" Really? A pregnant woman who will be a new mum at the time? Should she really put other people's needs ahead of her own and her baby's? I''m sorry, but what a new baby needs most is relaxed, confident parents, not frustrated parents who feel disrespected in their own home. It isn't bawn who's trying to dominate anyone, it's her mil.

And how about dh? If he wanted his parents to be there when they wanted, I'm sure we would be hearing a lot of, "What about your husband? Don't his wishes count?" But he's more against the visit than bawn is, iows, he's less willing to accommodate mil. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that so many (not all) gps here are brushing his wishes aside.

Again, it's just these attitudes, this dismissal of the ac and cil's feelings, that ends up in so many (not all) of the estranged relationships we hear about today. Maybe that makes this generation of parents "spoiled" and "selfish" as some gps think. But, imo, it just means they are braver than many of us were and not willing to take the boundary-crosses we grit our teeth and put up with. I don't advocate cos, but there is something to be said for taking a stand for one's own wishes concerning one's own life and children.

Bawn, I'm another one who missed the part where you said your mum has passed away. So deeply sorry. Also see that your dad can't really make the trip, anyhow. Sorry about that, too.

But, in that case, I supppose MIL & FIL can't quite be compared to the rest of your foo (family of origin). They are gps, not aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., so perhaps a little more impatient to meet the new baby. However, not all gps are pushy about it. As you say, your own mum wouldn't have been. While it's kind of you to care about your ils' wishes, you still don't have to accommodate them.

It's true, they may be the only active gps in your child's life. But that's just more reason, imo, to see that they respect boundaries.

Sensible post Apricity

Don't get too wound up about it babybawn, it won't do you or the baby any good and it may only be for a few days of a
couple of hours visits anyway.
Then you can , say 'it was lovely to see you' and shut the door.

Gosh when i had my first baby in the 70s i was in hospital for 14days as had a section birth.
As we all know times have changed since then.
I have noticed how things are different when a DIL. has a baby,as there mother gets more time with said grandchild/children.

What a flood and variety of of of views posted here. The most important thing will be taking care of yourself and your baby. Babies arrive when they are ready regardless of anyone else's plans or flight bookings so that is already an unknown. Post delivery you will be hormonal, tired with erratic nights and establishing feeding if you plan to breastfeed and new mothers and babies need peace and quiet to do this. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. It sounds as though you have discussed your concerns openly already. Most of the managing of visitors is going to be up to your husband so he will be responsible for protecting you, managing his parents, ensuring visitors don't overstay, making the cups of tea etc. Prepare by ensuring you have nice biscuits or other treats ready in the cupboard to make this easier.
Perhaps not being quite so prescriptive about number of visits, times etc might be helpful in terms of long term relationships. Sometimes less said is better. Whoever your visitors are, when you are tired (or just plain old over them) just retire to your bedroom and close the door saying you and baby are tired, baby needs a feed, sleep etc. That leaves it up to your husband to spend time with his parents, make tea if required or tell them he needs a nap too.
Hope you have a good delivery, enjoy your baby and as others have said, go with the flow as much as you can. It's certainly a good way to start as life will never again be quite so neat and tidy and predictable once your baby arrives.

Interestingtimes the OP hasn't said her PILs aren't welcome, just that she would like a couple of weeks before they come. If you have limited means can you see that insisting on coming 3 days after baby's due date isn't that sensible as baby might not arrive until quite late into their trip. Booking for 2 weeks later and baby would almost certainly be here.

Oh my! I'm possibly the MiL in question...or maybe not, but I could be. Speaking from my own point of view as a grandparent living in another country, with limited means (retired) and excited about having a grandchild, I would love to show how excited I am and spend time with my son and new baby, do little useful jobs and talk all things girly with my DiL but I'm made to feel unwelcome. How sad it all is. I think people over-think things. When I had babies there was no one interested and no visitors. Think yourselves lucky that the GC is welcomed with lots of love and attention. Surely, it's all about the baby?

OP sounds like you’ve got a good flexible plan there. I hope you have a great birth experience.
What I find difficult to understand is why many posting grandparents on Gransnet and Mumsnet feel like they have to rush in and defend all other grandparents irrespective of the posters’ experiences/relationship with them there is a tendency here to dismiss a whole generation of younger parents’ ideas about parenting in favour of a whole generation of grandparent’ ideas and needs.
People, of whatever generation, are individuals and one has to trust that OPs know the true situation re their PIL and DPs and are sufficiently eager to find a suitable solution to post on a thread where they run the risk of being scorned.

Well, that was very good that your husband was able to take time off work; unfortunately mine couldn't so I was grateful for DP's help.

I think, your baby your rules. Your side of the family are complying with your request and so should in laws. They are being really selfish ignoring your wishes. DH needs to have a strong but polite word with them, tell them your plans again and add that they need to change their flights to comply with both of your wishes otherwise they will have a pointless trip as you will not be available to visitors. You and DH set the rules for your lives - not the inlaws.

I’m afraid I do think it’s selfish to insist on two weeks of privacy for ‘bonding’. But not selfish of grandparents to decide when they are visiting?

As to paternity leave well my eldest was born 46 years ago and my husband took two weeks holiday starting the day I came out of hospital after an 8 day stay. I didn't need any help from grandparents, it was our baby and we looked after him.

We have bred a know-it-all and rather whiny, ungrateful generation of young people You might have, my kids and their partners are nothing like that. Maybe if people treat them with respect they will reciprocate.

Thanks Coconut, I feel like I've gotten some solid advice. I think manage expectations and go with the flow being the key here. If we're physically up for visitors then go with it, if not then don't feel guilty that things didn't pan out.

I would happy for any visitors to come but would make it clear that it could only be for a couple of hours at a time and there would definitely be no meals provided and they could bring some cake and make the teas themselves. I think it is the expectation that they may need entertaining that is the problem thus making it all about them so those rules need to be laid down in advance and enforced by the dad while you rest.

Some of the comments here are very harsh and unnecessary, advice should be constructive not destructive and we certainly can’t tar all MILs or DIL’s with the same brush. When I had my 3, each time we had to stay in hospital for 10 days, so visiting hours were very controlled because of tiredness, germs being bought in etc so Matron said ! When I did go home I was grateful for any help and most people did ring to ask when it’s best to visit. So now you have a myriad of advice, you can pick and choose what best suits you and your husband .... enjoy your ? ? baby.

Babybawn, the difference is that your PiL are not proposing to stay with you, they are proposing to visit their son and their grandchild! I had a very difficult birth and my child was kept in hospital for six days. After that he came home and my parents arrived two days later. As I said, they were helpful, but my PiL were not. So we had very little privacy or time to ‘bond’. However we fell in love with our new baby the minute he was born so bonding wasn’t a problem. I realise some mums do not bond immediately, but they need support, and family are often the ones who provide the support. Prior to statutory paternity leave, fathers were lucky to get any time off at all, and new mums welcomed the help and support of their mothers and MiLs. Obviously paternity leave is a great step forward, and the importance of dads is now recognised, thank goodness, but to make a decision to ban family at all at this time smacks of being ‘precious’ in my opinion.

Babybawn, you sound very sensible and not selfish as suggested by some posters. As I said in previous post, we waited a month to see 1st grandchild in another country.
When my first baby was born, my parents came to visit while I was in hospital- they lived about 100 miles away. They went home before I was discharged (used to be kept a week on 1st baby which was actually pretty good). I can remember the first afternoon at home, just me, husband and baby (and cat, who was a bit put out) and it was lovely. We had a few days on our own, then my mother came to stay and help. PiLs lived in another country but we went to visit with baby later.
However, when I came home with 2nd baby a couple of years later, some good friends had decided to visit for weekend. I felt totally overwhelmed and would have preferred a bit of time alone with just the 4 of us.

GoldenAge, again some solid advice. I think seeing how we feel and going with the flow is the best advice given the circumstances.