Really really sad

I have been 'Nanny' to all my step-children's kids and I would be quite happy if my GC called their step-grandmother Nanny. After all, it is only a name and the relationship is what counts. More people who care for children the better as far as I am concerned.

Pollyperkins, well said. It also obviously needs pointing out that children only really start to speak clearly once they reach the age of two. That's when the OP first heard them mention nanna.

Read OP again pollyperkins and look at the facts.
Nothing sudden about the situation, OP and her ex split up 20 years ago, the grandchild in question is two. Nobody suddenly usurped anybody.

I can quire understand why Crazy is upset. Its not just about what name she is called. SHE was Nana and had a special relationship and suddenly this other person (who she obviously and understandably does not like because of past history ) has usurped her name. Ive come across similar upsets from dads who find their children are now calling stepfather Daddy. It's very upsetting. Why the other woman couldn't have found a different name I don't know - shows a lack of sensitivity at the very least.

But I agree she needs to try to rise above it and find some compromise on names eg tacking first names onto Nana. But whatever you do Crazy, try not to fall out with the family as others have said .

It becomes complicated when you send gifts or cards from "nanna" and the child becomes confused which "nanna". It would probably be best if the parents decided on another name for the step mother and explain it is to avoid confusion.

I am called Nan by my GC, I let the mums decide what they wanted me called by the babies. However one of the other grand mothers wanted to be "nan" too. It did cause confusion and the eldest GS solved it by deciding she would be "nanny".

I can really understand why you are upset. It is very insensitive to call two GM's by the same name esp when one is not a blood relative. She should ask what name would be suitable. There are plenty of grandmother names and some more suitable for a step grand mother

My adored Grandad was Hossie all his life as his name Horace was to difficult for my young tongue I never ever thought of him as Grandad just Hossie I think other kids wondered who I was talking about though

Glad you're getting some more considerate advice CrazyH. If you've had your heart broken and been let down, triggers will sometimes appear that brings old wounds to the surface. You're allowed your feelings.
Good luck. xx

crazyH I have 3 different names depending on which grandchild is addressing me (the most touching created by eldest GS when 17 yrs), so I have to keep my wits about me when writing cards. As other GN's have suggested just think of a unique and 'special' addition to Nanna and use it on cards - you will find as GC start to read (or are read to) that they will readily adopt it. Nanna is just a common title - it's the DNA that gives it the status.

I don't know why these matters aren't discussed in advance so any problems can be smoothed out asap. I asked what my S-in-L's mother wanted to be called and, as she was already a granny to her daughter's children, then that was settled. I didn't want to be called granny anyway as I think it's aging so was happy to be nan or nanny. Her husband was granddad already so my ex husband was asked to choose something else and opted for grandpa and his second wife is referred to by her name.

This has reminded me that, now my second daughter is pregnant, I must ask her to see if her partner's mum minds if I am nanny to their child. She already has grandchildren so, if she's already a nan with them, there may have to be a second word added on e.g, Nanny first name. The other grandparents don't/won't see my grandchildren that often as they live some distance away and are already closer to their present children so probably it's easier for me to be just nanny but it can all be discussed amicably.

I'm not keen on this nanny 1, nanny 2 business because it makes it sound like one is a second class citizen but I believe it is important for grandchildren to have a good relationship with all their relatives and, unless I'm especially asked over, I keep out of the way when the other grandparents visit, to let them have quality time as I am able to see my grandchildren several times a week.

There's no need for jealousy; each person can be valued for different things. One side gives expensive presents without asking what the children or parents want, I ask for one main suggestion of what they want ( this may be expensive or otherwise but is what the child has asked for) and then I give a few cheaper surprises or things I know they need in the clothes line.

I do think our adult children should have some consideration for the grandparents' feelings re names, visits etc. but it could depend on how they have been bought up/who is the dominant partner. I will never have a daughter in law so would have encouraged my daughters to give their fair share to the 'other side' unless there was some serious problem but they do that anyway without any encouragement.

For those with harsh d-in-laws with sons, maybe they need reminding that their child may grow up to copy their behaviour towards the maternal mother in law!!!

The child is very young and will come up with ways to define you as his vocabulary grows, I have been 'nannie sparkle' due to sparky shoes and glasses, nannie at the sea side and now nannie in the country.

Separate the hurt of the parting 20 years ago, from the massive loss of love that you could instigate now.

As that child grows so will his understanding.

My GD recently told me she had '2 grand dads but grandad R was rubbish' I laughed like a drain as she did not connect him with me at all................she will in time.

Both my grandmother's were called Nanny and distinguished by adding their surnames, hence Nanny Watson and Nanny Wiles. My children had Nanny Connie and Nanny Rhona. Perhaps you could encourage your grandchildren to add you name.

Dear CrazyH, lots of good advice from other posters and ? from me. Please dont move away - or do what I read in another thread, where one side of the family never spoke to the other side because both grandmothers wanted to be called nana!

In our case, the ‘other’ grandmother insisted on being ‘nana’, she was very manipulative about it. I was upset at the time and have become granny F. Now I can see that she is totally self centred to be frank, but my intital reaction just for a moment or two was to withdraw. So VERY, VERY pleased I didn’t, and you will be too!

??

crazyh
It does not appear your x husband had any children with the woman he consequently married Does she have any children from previous relationships?You were hurt when you found out he was having an affair and now to find this other woman is being called nanna2 by your and your x's grandchildren is rubbing salt into what are still open wounds Do not contemplate moving as all this will achieve is to push your family further into what you, understandably, see as your territory .GC only when they are able to understand will then know who they called nanna 2 is in fact their step gran and was their parents step mother. Will this make any difference to their feelings towards you? Be there for them as they grow up.
Your own children will have know their father married someone else but YOU are their mother and blood is thicker than water. Involve yourself as much as possible with your children and grandchildren but don't let them in any circumstances know your feelings.
No doubt all that your family are doing is making it easy for their own children and until old enough, when they can then observe the situation, make their own decisions.

CrazyH. I was going to suggest the same as another poster. Ask the children to call you nanna followed by your first name. I can understand you are hurt, but please don't let this grow into such a big issue that it spoils your family relationships. Families are not perfect and people will often do/say things that can upset other members of the family. Often it's just thoughtlesness rather than maliciousness. I read/hear about some of the appalling ways some families behave towards one another and i think we all need to pick our fights carefully.

to two of my grandaughters (my daughter's children) i'm pannypat - my oldest grandaughter couldn't say "granny". my ex's new wife of 20+ years is stanna karen - a corruption of stepgrandmother.
their other grandmother (my hopefully soon to be ex son in law's mother) is just referred to nannie with her surname attached (they don't like her!).
i have no idea what my son's two girls call me but i sign all their cards as pannypat. their other grandmother is czech but i don't know how they refer to her.

It's disconcerting how these old 'hurts' can rear their ugly heads when you're least expecting them but hope what the other posters have said has helped you get this perspective.

I feel for you .......

I can understand how you feel, and it's ok to allow yourself to feel hurt.

There's nothing you can really do about the situation, but you CAN do something for yourself. It takes a long time to get over a husband's/partner's unfaithfulness. Time can be a healer, but each one of us heals in different ways. It shakes your self confidence and I guess the feeling of disloyalty is still related to that.

You see your dils being disloyal to you, but I think they cannot understand when they have never been in that position, and probably have no idea how you feel. If you told them, I suspect they still wouldn't understand, and you may create distance between you.

Moving away will not make any difference, it will be harder and I see that as punishing yourself.

Take a step back, think about what makes you happy and concentrate on moving forward in your life. Be confident in who you are. xx

Maybe dil and son just asked each of you what you wanted to be called and you both came up with same 'nanna' . This happened with me and dil's mother so we're grandma x and grandma y - no problem. They would not deliberately have set out to hurt either of you so just enjoy the new addition to your family and forget the minutiae.

After divorce I did not want to be associated in any way with ex, so when offspring produced grandchildren I became Joma.

Although I have always been GrandDad, we have several “Nanny” and “other Nanny” pairings. With today’s complex family arrangements such overlaps are, I think, pretty inevitable. What I find more amazing, even totally wonderful in one way, is one of my grandson who has two sets of siblings, a girl and a boy in each case, and all older than him. He interchangeably says “my big brother” or “my sister” and we have to work out by context, precisely which child - not all of whom are actually related to me - he is talking about. I find this new relaxation of children who, just one generation ago might have been lambasted as “bastards”, utterly refreshing and they can call me whatever they like, just so long as they all speak to me regularly and meaningfully.

My GD did not see her other grandparents until she was five, due to a family rift. She immediately called them granny and grandad, the same as us. I really don't mind. She may come up with better names in the future, like granny Pat, and grandad Jack, so we know which grandparents she's talking about.

Sorry, that should have been son's wife's mum is only about 5' tall!

Oh I know how hard this is, I'm in a similar situation except that my ex's new wife doesn't want to have anything to do with his (and my) grandchildren and that's another kind of hurt and another rejection.
Families get so complicated when people think the grass is greener elsewhere.
Anyway, I hope this will make you smile.
My son has two boys and son's wife is only about 5' tall. I chose, when the first boy was born, to be called granny and daughter in law's mum was going to be grandma. Grandsons had other ideas and called us both granny. Except they had to distinguish between us, so the other is now little granny. So you know what that makes me, don't you? Yes, big granny! Fabulous! Still love 'em though!

Understand how you feel, but don't dwell on it, grandchildren love you and see, that is what matters, find another name for yourself if you prefer, but I would let it go.

crazyH. I can see you are feeling upset by this, but you really should not make a fuss about this .
Your grandkids will not worry what you are called by which grand parent, It does help to have different names so you know which child or grandparent you are talking about.
Children do not worry about what their grand parents want to be called. My DDs Mil got "grandma" as she had a grandchild before mine came along.
My kids had Nanny (I) and Nanny (E) with their first name)

The children won't worry about this and can take it their stride and so should you. If as a grandparent you feel put out because you did not get the Grandparent name you wanted just find another name.
Your grandkid might well choose their own name for you anyway. It is the children who are important in this and showing solidarity with your co-grandparent is the best thing you can do to keep the grandchildren happy and feeling valued.
If you are a child the more doting relatives you have the better.