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Really really sad

(177 Posts)
crazyH Thu 25-Jan-18 12:36:57

I am heartbroken today. Bear with me when I tell you my story.....about 20 years ago, I divorced due to my husband's affair and they are married now. I have 3 AC , a daughter and 2 sons. Daughter has 2 teenage children. My sons got married recently and have 2 year olds and a baby. Yesterday I was babysitting one of the toddlers and to my shock he referred my ex husband's wife as "Nanna"... I told him I was "Nanna" and in his baby language said, "no 2 Nannas"... I have always been Nanna and it hurts so bad.
My 2 DILs are very, very friendly with my exhusband's wife and I think they are behind this. I feel so betrayed. My sons could have insisted that she is called either grandma or granny, anything except "Nanna" . I don't know whether I'm over-reacting, but I am so hurt......the problem is , all of us live in the same area ......so bdays, and other celebrations become so stressful. I feel like re-settling as far away from family as possible. I don't think I can carry on much longer when I am experiencing such disloyalty .
What do you ladies think ?

Luckygirl Thu 25-Jan-18 12:43:05

I am sorry that this feels bad for you just now.

I do not think it is disloyalty really. If you had found a new partner, then he would have become grandpa 2 or whatever in the eyes of the GC. I know it feels like a pain, but that is probably because you are still hurting from the break-up, so this happening has a greater significance to you than it need.

I cannot imagine that anyone has let this deliberately happen to hurt you; but it feels hurtful to you. Don't let this weaken or muddy your relationships with your children - that would be a double whammy, and you can do without that.

Please try and enjoy making a good relationship with the lovely GC, regardless of what they call you. The love is no less, never mind the name. flowers

gillybob Thu 25-Jan-18 12:49:10

Oh crazyH I can understand how hurt you must feel, I really can however...... (and you might not like this).

Children cannot distinguish between blood relatives and those like your ex's second wife. They are just people who love them and I personally don't think you can ever have too many people who love you. whether they be "real" nanna's, aunties, grandads or whatever.

I understand that you are hurt as you want to be the "only" real nanna but I think you should try and put your hurt to one side and be happy that this is another lady who loves YOUR grandchildren dearly. Perhaps as a solution you could be Nanna Crazy and Nanna Whatever, then at least the little ones would know who was who.

Don't whatever you do, leave the area. What good would that do? then you will become the forgotten Nanna or Nanna far away and that would be silly and sad.

Please try and rise above this, it's just a name and it's what's behind the name that matters.

Ilovecheese Thu 25-Jan-18 13:09:11

Gillybob talks a lot of sense in her post. Children don't distinguish between blood relatives and relatives by marriage.
I wonder if there is also a third grandmother, and what she is called.

Please try and put your hurt to one side, and enjoy your grandchild.

In time your grandchild will find his own way of distinguishing between his 2 Nannas, and might well find his own names for you both.

Christinefrance Thu 25-Jan-18 13:14:42

In these days of extended families I think its quite usual for there to be more than four grandparents. I really don't see what the problem is, just more people to love the children.
My daughter's stepson calls me Nanny 2.

grannyactivist Thu 25-Jan-18 13:22:48

Good advice here already I think. One of my grandsons has a grandparent for every day of the week with two grandmothers and two step-grandmothers, one grandfather and two step grandfathers. His dad died when he was a tiny baby and I'm just delighted that he has so many people in his life that love him; so I don't care who he calls what.
Maybe this incident is a reminder to try to let old hurts go; easier said than done I know.

Bridgeit Thu 25-Jan-18 13:32:51

We have a variety of titles,& then the grandchildren ask for more info, like why are you with xyz? We keep it simple, and explain as simply as we can. Titles don’t equal love, have confidence that your grandchild/children will love you for who you are what you mean to them, that’s what counts, she will never be a biological gran to them, the more children are surrounded by people that love them the better IMHO, best wishes.

Eloethan Thu 25-Jan-18 13:34:01

It is quite possible to have loving and special relationships with two or more grannies/aunts/caregivers, etc. etc. Loving one person does not detract from loving another.

It perhaps would have been more sensible to give different names to the two "grannies" but I think you are getting overly upset about this. It can only be a good thing that a child has many loving relatives and friends.

Welshwife Thu 25-Jan-18 13:38:20

My GC call each of us Nanny and tag on our Christian name - same with the grandads.
I remember when my GD was about two and her other GPs were staying with the. -she had something her paternal GM had given her - she started to tell me about it and referred to her as Nanny - then looked at me most confused so I simply said - yes that’s right- Nany Barbara - we never had any problem.
It is normal for children to have more than one grandparent of either sex. My GM was still alive for a number of years after I had my children - they had different names for each GM that they decided on themselves -my M was ‘lipstick nanny’ -only one which wore it -Paternal GM was called Nanny and the place where she lived and my grandmother was Lady Nanny -just because she was older!! All sorted.

nina1959 Thu 25-Jan-18 13:44:05

CrazyH, your reaction is old pain that you've not dealt with. You're projecting your hurt feelings of what you see as a new betrayal, but it's still the old betrayal, onto your children.
It's pressed a button and brought back a pain that's still in you from the hurt your husband caused you.

Can you talk to someone who could help you release those old feelings of hurt? If you can, you'll find that it will set you free and that it won't matter how many nanna's there are. You still be number one nanna because of the blood relationship with your children.

annodomini Thu 25-Jan-18 14:05:53

Two of my GSs have four grannies. I am Granny A; maternal granny is Granny E; maternal Grandad' s second wife is Granny M and great grandmother is just Granny. Easy solution and no need for hurt feelings.

Grannyknot Thu 25-Jan-18 14:17:19

Gosh crazyH I'm trying to understand your hurt and pain - but you've been divorced from this man for 20 years! Life moves on and his wife of long standing also has a place in the extended family. I don't think that anyone is "behind this" - I think that it may just have happened naturally and your DILs have gone along with it. You should be grateful that everyone gets along, that is what is important as far as your grandchildren are concerned.

I bumped into a friend of mine this morning and we were chatting and she told me that her ex-husband (who had an affair and left her with a six month old baby 40 years ago) still phones her on her birthday and she phones him on his, they were teenage sweethearts back in the day. I said "That is amazing, so many women would be resentful" etc and she replied with a smile "Not me, it just didn't work out for us". What a great attitude to have smile.

crazyH Thu 25-Jan-18 14:19:54

Thankyou all for your replies ....it has helped clear my head. After listening to all of you, I feel the solution to call me Nanna and add my Christian name after that and the same with her . By just calling each "Nanna" , the baby will surely be confused.
Yes, I am probably still hurting from my ex-husband's betrayal. I am thinking of seeing my GP re some counselling.
Btw Ilovecheese, there is a third Grandmother and she is called Grandma.
Once again, thanks for listening and thanks for making me see sense xxx

nina1959 Thu 25-Jan-18 14:24:35

CrazyH, we can hurt for a very long time after betrayal. It's not unusual at all. We don't all 'just get over it'. But now that you know the pain is still in you, it's an opportunity to deal with it a finally heal. You'll soon have a new perspective.

It might take a while to get a counselling appointment through your GP. Could you just offload to a good friend? It might help.

Jalima1108 Thu 25-Jan-18 15:00:11

There are lots of different names for Grandmother so you could pick one that you like or just, as you say, add your names to 'Nanna'. My DGD call a friend Nain because that is what her DGC call her, she is no relation but that is fine by all of us.

123flump Thu 25-Jan-18 15:00:35

crazyH I had two grannies, never confused me at all. I also had two aunts with the same name, one was my dads sister and one was his brother's wife, again it wasn't a problem.

I'm glad you are feeling better about it and using name as well will probably help.

I think it would have been easier if she had maybe been nanny instead so a nanna a nanny and a grandma but it might be too late for that now.

It might be good in the long run if it means you sort out the hurt. Hope the counselling works out.

Jalima1108 Thu 25-Jan-18 15:03:25

I had three aunts with the same name 123flump!

Would you prefer to be 'granny' or does nanna feel special to you somehow?
Don't feel upset about this, the little one will feel your tension and one day may start to ask questions about it.

Grannyknot Thu 25-Jan-18 15:06:41

crazyH flowers for you.

eazybee Thu 25-Jan-18 15:21:52

"I feel like re-settling as far away from family as possible. I don't think I can carry on much longer when I am experiencing such disloyalty" .
Really?
It is not disloyalty; they see you all frequently and you are part of the family, as is your ex-husband's wife. Harsh but true.
Don't start blaming your daughters in law either; it is just a name young children use, nothing more.

123flump Thu 25-Jan-18 15:22:35

Jalima1108, it must happen alot when you think how names come into fashion and aunts are in a similar age group.

Luckygirl Thu 25-Jan-18 16:12:38

Well done crazyH - onwards and upwards!

Nanna Crazy sounds great!

BlueBelle Thu 25-Jan-18 16:23:28

Poor you crazyH but honestly this is you and your unfinished business nothing to do with disloyalty at all

How lucky is that little one to have at least two grans or nans two of my grandkids only have me, both their deceased Dads parents are long dead, as is my ex husband so they literally have a mum and a Nan

Add you name or a pet name to Nana and please get some professional help it’s a long time to still feel hurt

crazyH Thu 25-Jan-18 16:56:45

Jallima, I have always been "Nanna" to my teenage GC, maybe that's why I feel so possessive. They called my ex husband's wife Aunty, and their Dad's parents Gran and Bamps.
Thankyou Grannyknot for the flowers...so sweet.

Thankyou all xx

Eglantine21 Thu 25-Jan-18 17:03:27

Two year olds are in the stage of making generalisations. It's part of their intellectual and linguistic development. It's likely that he will call all ladies like you Nanna having defined certain characteristics of age, just like they are inclined to call all similar looking men "Dadda" much to everyone's amusement. Or maybe to call any large, four legged animal cow.

Incidentally I had four grandmas (because I was adopted) and they were all Nanny followed by their name. I loved them for who they were, not what they were called.

ffinnochio Thu 25-Jan-18 17:15:51

It’s the relationship that matters, not what you are called, crazyH.
Glad the advice given is helping you see the light. The idea of resettling as far away as possible, because you are peeved at what you are called would certainly be a crazy decision.