Turning a blind eye

So you stay home, cook, clean, wash the underpants he's worn when he's been with 'the other woman'!
He doesn't respect you, and he's certainly not acting as though he feels any love for you.
He wants to have his cake and eat it, kick the cheating ba***rd to the kerb, as fast as you can!

dancingqueen, I really do feel your pain and obviously it has to be your choice but I wondered what your reasons for burying your head in the sand are. Is it purely financial? I could not live like this and fear that it will just eat at you. If you are happy for him to continue to see the other woman then tell him that you know and leave it up to him to deal with as he sees fit. Could you bear for your marriage to end? Would it actually be a relief for you? Only you can know the answers

Oh, well we don't share a bed anyway any more, he snores and I listen to the radio all night so we have our own rooms. It would be kind of easy for my husband to hide the fact he was having an affair if he wanted to. We get on well and I wouldn't want to rock the boat.

If you decide to try and ignore it, you may find the uncertainty in your life too much to put up with.

He could decide to leave at any time, and I think some straight talking is needed.

*which

I'm thinking along different lines.
I wouldn't even want to sleep in the same bed as a man fresh from another woman's arms.
There have been recent news articles about mouth and throat cancer whuch has risen exponentially. Without being too graphic, I would not want to kiss my husband knowing that his activity may be putting himself and, by association me, in an unenviable position.
I wonder if he would stay by you if the tables were turned.

I don't think you can 'turn a blind eye' - it's happening and it hurts. You and your husband need counselling help as you clearly love him and want to remain married. I wish you good luck.

Hell's bells...how dare he. He is in the wrong. He has cheated on you. If you care about someone you do not do this. If he wants to be in someone else's bed he should leave your home. Throw him out is what I say. I am sure your family would agree. You have done nothing wrong....He has.

If I found out my husband was having an affair I'd pretend I hadn't. I can't face the disruption at my time of life, I'd prefer him to go on acting as if everything was normal. Once they know you have found out, they either move out completely, or they stop pretending everything is normal and start staying out more. I wouldn't want my husband saying to me "sorry I won't be here at xmas I am going to spend it with <insert lovers name here> house this year." I'd want him to go through the motions of having a normal xmas with us, even though he might be wishing he was elsewhere. Or, worse still, "Sorry I can't pay to have that new patio laid, I promised <insert lover name> I'd get her a new car". I'd want him to feel he'd better pay for the patio so I didn't start asking where all his money was going. Oh yes, if you don't tell him you know, then all the cards are still in your own hand.

I agree with Silverlining. You have to start the conversation with him.

My DH has a higher sex drive than me. Always has had. Best advice I ever got was just ‘do it’ and don’t wait to ‘get in the mood’. The mood comes once you get started! I dare say at our age we are lucky to have the choice....

When my former husband had an affair I was much more upset that he'd found someone else to laugh with and have fun with than just have sex. That part didn't bother me much. So I think you should talk about what you both want from your future together as there are many years ahead.

He is already having an affair so the damage is done, in my book there is no coming back from such a betrayal. Time to talk was before he climbed into someone else's bed. People try and excuse it as just sex but that is not true otherwise they would use a prostitute.
If the loss of libido was an excuse for infidelity then people would be off in droves and that is not happening so he is using that as an excuse.

I think most women have times of low liibido during /after menopause but it can be fixed IF you want it to.It doesn't have to be gone forever and some women have a better sex life after they get help than before.Speak to your GP and your husband before allowing him to continue an affair that might mean the end of your marriage.If you love him dont let this break you up.

Your post suggests that you are taking a pragmatic approach to your husband's affair; no apparent anguish or feelings of betrayal, rather a sense of relief that his sex-drive is being accommodated, and you don't have to lose a happy and comfortable life.
The imponderable here is the role of other woman; one hopes she is simply using your husband to accommodate her desire for a satisfying sex life. Otherwise, trouble.

All sorts of questions come to mind. How long has the affair been going on, how often do they meet, how does H feel about her etc etc. You also need to ask yourself how you feel about this state of affairs (no pun intended).
I know how I would react, but then that's very personal. As others have said.
I would definitely have a conversation with H, if only so that he knows you know and to see how he reacts. It needs to be out in the open between you. I concur with Coconut.
Good luck and hopefully things will end up for the best, for you. Difficult times.

If not wanting sex with your husband is something you think is not going to change, then I think in fairness to him, you need to discuss the matter with him. If the pair of you want to stay together, I think you will need to accept that he has a mistress. This is surely preferable to him using prostitutes.

Only you can decide and only you know why you no longer desire your husband. Please try to be honest with yourself and with him. And don't let yourself be influenced by what others think. It is your business and your husband's, although having said this, the woman he is seeing has doubtless views and expectations too. If she is content to have an affair with a married man who has no intention of leaving his wife, then that is one thing. It is a completely different thing if she is hoping he will leave you for her.

Hmm - does your husband know you know of his affair? How do you feel about him sharing such an intimate part of his life with someone else? I think what I read is that you feel guilty about not satisfying his sexual needs and almost feel it’s inevitable. Masturbation is a not unreasonable option to relieve his ‘high sex drive’ and wouldn’t involve a third party. Sex therapy is also an option, if you want to try and get your sexual desire back (there are some very good sex therapists who work with women experiencing a reduction in sexual desire - often linked to hormonal change/problems with body image) though this may have done some pretty significant damage to your marriage which will need sorting out. I can pm you the details of a sex therapist if you’re interested.

Be realistic and protect yourself whatever you decide.

No one can advise on individual relationships...........forget the blind eye, if you decide to allow the affair then do so with your eyes wide open.

I wish you well.

I couldn’t live like this, I would have to talk to him. If he still wants sex and you don’t it’s not an easy situation to get round. Will he become more heavily involved with the other woman and leave anyway ? Needs some blatant honesty and straight talking between you so good luck ?

When mine left for another woman, he decided, just before we went to court to finalise things, that he wanted a ménage a trois! We had a walk in the park and it was then that he made this proposal. I thought he had gone mad! Of course I told him it wasn't on; and have never, in more than 30 years, regretted my reaction.

I know 2 women, one very well, who have accepted the situation because they have a very good, comfortable lifestyle and they know their He's will never leave them.
I don't know how I would have dealt with it, I have never been in their shoes.

A very difficult situation. Only you can decide. A friend of mine has been having an affair with a married man for 12 years. She sees him about 4 times a week but he rarely stays over. He obviously has no intention of leaving his wife and I can't believe that his wife doesn't know although my friend says she doesn't. It wouldn't suit me but there's no black and white in this world unfortunately. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

It depends how much it bothers you and whether you can live with it. I have known several marriages where it has worked.
In our village we all knew that one man spent his Sundays with his lover, the rest of the week with his family. When he became ill both the wife and lover nursed him till he died.
Again I worked with someone who was married and had a married lover. She died some years ago and he is still living happily with his wife.
Everybody's different. Your choice.

No, you need to talk about this and try to find a solution which does not include a third party. For the majority of people this will eat away at them and undermine all the trust and love in the marriage. A few couples find this solution workable but it wouldn't be for me.
Take care and good luck.