Sadness losing long term friend

Good morning washerwoman how intersting?
My friend had very bad feet and legs I gave her all best products as you say mates rates and had petrol on top lugging all stuff to hers.
Never mind c'est la vie.

Karma may be round the corner!

BeforecI head to bed, how interesting Celebgran .Another parallel. I met my friend initially as she was a customer of mine.Now when I look back I was far too accommodating. When I put my prices up I didn't increase hers ,giving her 'mates rates ' and was more flexible with times.Whilst she could be very generous with presents at birthdays and Xmas -ridiculous amounts of 'stuff' actually that I neither needed or wanted- when it came to meeting for coffee or a meal I invariably ended up paying whilst she went 'to get us a seat '.Too many times.I'm sure she's got her gripes with me.Truth is its taken a long time to twig,but I have some lovely,genuinely generous friends that I know will always be there for me and DH and the realisation is she isn't one of them.

Yes celebgran you are quite right and there are some things you need like a hole in the head!

Moving on and aiming upwards!

Yes washerwoman it does make sense.
My friend was pretty honest but last couple years caught her out a bit. If she didn't want do something for example when I was ill before op we had cancel weekend away I asked if they were fre, oh no she said, found out later they Were?

She always wanted her own way with arrangements and wanted us to commit so far ahead as her whole life revolved round seeing "friends"
She was also a client I did her pedicure and waxing travelling to hers.
I always gave her special treatment as a friend more fool me really. She had suchbswollen legs and feet I had to be o careful,
However when I was ill and unable to do treatments for few weeks she found someone else which hurt, fair enough temporary but that was another issue.

Yes in her case being made do much of by her parents and having no kids made her very selfish she just never thought.

I agree not all only children are like that at all my other very good fiend is only one and lovely person.

That's very interesting Celebgran that your friend is an only child with no children .So is my friend.Not that I want to generalise about only children,or cause offence.Plenty of well grounded ones,and messed up people with siblings!But one of the other wearying things lately is being constantly told how lucky I am to have a family -I know !But it's also hard work ,involves a lot of sacrifice and compromise,and sometimes heartache as you well know to be a parent. She also has this mantra -oh well when you're on your own.
Also interesting your comment about possessive. My friend isn't possessive, but I do think she's made some new friends recently,which I was really pleased for her because she was somewhat lost and lonely when she first moved here and we became friends.But what I think has happened is she's reinvented herself to some extent with them.I think she's shutting me out because I've got to know her so well,and I've questioned her when she's told me things,then later forgotten and told me an alternative version.If that makes sense.

Synońomus yes I can understand it like the mutual friends we known just as long well the woman anyway and visit each other regularly but whatever lies my ex friends told her she decided to cancel last visit by email on Same day afternoon!
I was starting get low then and it really affected me.

If I was in your place I would be wary of getting involved again with that group friends if none of them supported you at the time,

This is a very timely thread as today DH received a letter telling us that whilst they agreed that we were treated badly they didn't intend to do anything about it as the people concerned have left. They had heard that DH was injured and unwell and that was the reason that they had got back in touch. Perhaps I am being very ungrateful but I wish they had left it well alone since neither of us needed this all raked up again, we had started to make new lives for ourselves. As you say Washerwoman some 'friendships' are energy draining!

Yes washerwoman it is hard.

One one hand I feel my friend has been so cruel, knowing how much pain I have being estranged and Xmas is difficult enough, we had also just lost our beloved pet Rosie.

Then I remember we had good times and shenwas kind when we first met all those years ago, but she had become almost like different person. I tried very hard to support her with health problems and she was v supportive after my back surgery, but to be honest my husband felt it was because my other friends were doing so much she is very possessive.
Havin no kids and being only child her "friends " are her life,

Hope you get your relationship sorted washerwoman, sometimes hospitality can be one way, we had friends we love dearly but they used to offer us lift literally round corner to a club then of course we invited them round for coffee afterwards this went on so long yet we were never invited to theirs when she suggested we all went to garden centre for coffee so near to theirs I had lightbulb moment and we said we didn't need lift from then on.

Thankfully we still very good fiends but sometimes you have to take action to avoid being taken advantage of,

This thread is very relevant to me today as I have finally come to the conclusion that I've been slowly withdrawing from a friendship of 15 years.There will be no big dramatic showdown, tbh I feel instinctively this friend senses our friendship has run its course.But I feel sad nevertheless.In many ways she was a good friend when I went through a bad patch in the early years and I will always value that,but likewise she got a lot of support from myself and the whole family.Indeed I posted previously about how much hospitality she enjoyed in our home,she was a constantly sat in our kitchen.It was never reciprocated with invitations to her home,and tbh I accepted that until recently.I now know for a fact she's developed a hoarding habit. That's not the reason for wanting to distance myself,as I understand that's a mental health issues. But in recent years she's become very self involved,has what my DH calls 'victim mentality' and I now realise she has a habit of 'embellishing' details of experiences,and if there's anything I hate it's dishonesty.To be fair I think she has a lot of underlying issues.It sounds harsh,and if she wants an occasional catch up,and instigates it maybe I will meet for coffee.But some friendship start to drain energy,are negative rather than life enhancing and are best ended.Doesn't make it easy though.
It's only the second time I've felt a friendship becoming toxic.The previous time I realise now I was definitely being used,and like you OP when something happened that caused tension,and I then appologised even though I felt it was as much her fault I was cast aside very promptly.It's hard not to take things personally isn't it ?

Mad gran, yes you are right it is not easy to sever a close relationship even if it's draining the life out of you, the last thing anyone wants is to hurt their feelings, then you realise they don't consider yours at all, when it impacts on your children you have to put them first, they asked why she was shouting in our house, I had to just say it was her way when upset she got almost hysterical. We did share a sense of the ridiculous and could dissolve in to laughter, but those moments were rare. When I see a friend now it is enjoyable as it should be, are there to share the good and the not so good. Life is too short to waste on negativity.

Bluebells I have been seeing dr since October when we lost our pet, haven't just approached her.

Yes can see how it may look to you

I think anyone would be hurt to be knocked back by such old friend in such cruel way has nothing to do with my depression.

Thanks anyway for tying understand! Off out now always late?

Not true celebgran I totally felt empathy for you in your first post and I said that at the start of mine, however when you posted the second post which sounded as if you were both upsetting each other over quite big things and you called them ‘manipulative’, ‘materialistic’ ‘we got so fed up with them coming round’, ‘ the trust has gone’ all your words not mine so I thought my post was agreeing with what you were saying and that’s what I was trying to do let you accept that this was right for you now and not to hold yourself back mourning something that obviously wasgiving you as many bad times as good for years

Maybe it is your depression that is making you more unhappy and vulnerable at the moment and good that you’ve approached the doctor for some help

Humberbear I can relate to that.

I guess for long while another lady I have known closely for around 20 years who is an altogether different personality so I guess she has become my closest or best friend, we are off out for lunch together today

I have another 2 friends known for 40 years so guess I am lucky In That respect.

Just seen my dr whose been treating me for depression since we lost our beloved pet and she advised leaving it if I didn't have a mutual friend who could at least find out why?
I became tearful telling her about the last phone call so guess am hurt more than I realise,

The other mutual friend was one who cancelled our visit before Xmas via email at 3pm in afternoon when I had bought extra bits like you do for them. Excuse was felt under the weather, didn't pick up phone and when pressed said was none of her business if I had problems with xxxxx but she didn't want get involved as would put her in difficult position, he daughter is another godchild who my ex friend has tried replace my daughter with,
She went to school with her.

Don't think she is likely to help do you ladies?

Luckylegs however much one knows it is the right thing to do, its still hard isn't it! Like you it was a particular thing that was the last straw for me. I think that is the case often when a friend makes this decision....having talked to a number of people over the years to whom it has happened or who have made the decision. Sometimes only one person in the friendship can go for it and make the decision but it is not easy

Twenty five years ago I had a female friend who I regularly termed ‘my best friend’. However, I gradually realised that I did far more for her in emotional support than she ever did for me and that she ‘used’ me both in terms of emotional support and in employment. Eventually I decided to stop calling her and of course, I discovered she only called when she had problems at home or required a reference for a job. Eventually all contact ceased ( I think she got a permanent job ) but, to be, honest, I still miss her and think of her, especially when we have family celebrations.
I don’t think I’m very good at closure and tend to hang on to People but sometimes, just for your own mental health, you have to let people go.

Lucklegs gosh how thoughtless of your ex frien not even to.apologize for waking children! Think you were right let that one go you are such
Kind person yourself. X

Blue belle i think any close friendship lasti g 47 years I'd goi g to have ups and downs

It may sou mnd weirdweird but I can remember how it was when we first met and how kind she was as had just buried my Dad at 16. She always had a the debcy to copy me but I laughed. That off

I would never have totally ended our friendship myself and I this k your post is the only one who failed to see despite our problems I am extremely hurt and upset

Yes there was lit negative stuff but also positive things over years it was more like family warts and all

Do.people change? I would never have dreamt she could betray me by involving another couple and her mum who we used to go visit regularly.

Sad you can't see how upset this has made me and I hate the word toxic

How strange your first post i felt quite sorry for you when these friends were rude to you and pushed you away, but by your last post I thought it sounded toxic from both sides and wondered what the heck you had to call a friendship and maybe your sadness in your original post was because they got the ‘goodbye’ in before you did as there certainly seemed a lot of ‘ competitiveness in this relationship
Enjoy your life apart

Madgran77, your post resonated with an experience I had 40 years ago. I had a friend who drained the life out of me, she went from one crisis to another, everything was about her, one night she turned up at my home after midnight, I was in bed and the door bell rang furiously waking me and my children up, she had had an argument with her then boyfriend. My mother had died not long before, I said I wouldn't be talking then and she had woken the the children and they were were upset, I said I would call her the next day, she didnt like that and left in a huff. I didnt ring, she rang me two days later saying her and boyfriend were back on were back on, no apologies for what she had gone, atvthatcstageci didn't want one. I told her I couldn't cope any more with the dramas, a weight lifted off me.. I was relieved it was over. It had been building up for some time.

It seems to me that this friend has her own reasons for ending the friendship!! You describe less a friendship more an ongoing niggle between you! Best to move on!

Gosh that sounds awful synonymous

Our ex friend was very manipulative, when our estranged daughter had a row. After graduating from uni where we supported her for 4 years they let her go and stay!

After she wrote her car off one I had given her, theynwrote cheque for her to get another one without even running it past us, she got her husband to ring me, I told him a few things. It backfired on our estranged daughter as our ex friend expected every penny back.

More I think about it can't understand why I continued the friendship so long. Somehow we seemed get over each problem . However once the trust has gone that's it really.
I would t feel happy reconnecting In your case.
Our ex friends were dreadful bragger they Inherrritted lot money (so did we before them actually) however they seemed to want especially her to try and sound superior with their 2nd hand jag get the picture?
I made me feel like putting them in their place when it failed mot?I mentioned we have t had mot problem for 9 years since we change car every 3 years. However that's not a genuine friendship I don't feel.

When kids were little we used to get so fed up of them coming round staying too late and bragging about things we could t afford then.

They were sooo materialistic.

After our daughter cut them off as well as us they even. Tried to manipulate my son who lived 185 miles away into inviting them over Xmas all behind our back. When he told them to run it past us we never heard a thing ?

Celebgran I'm afraid that it isn't about you it is all about your erstwhile friend. Sometimes a friendship does run it's course and often when looking back you can see how you have gradually drifted apart especially when your circumstances have changed - which is ridiculous really as nothing stays the same for ever.
I am sure you are right that there is a lot of jealousy involved, there so often is, and you can do absolutely nothing about that. All you can do is get involved with other new friends and fill in the gaps.

Although not the same we have had similar with a group of friends. A new couple joined the group we were part of and gradually isolated us and then manipulated us out. It was obvious that they have a need to be King pins and they told absolute whoppers about us, nobody would even talk to us about what was being said and to a man/woman decided they didn't want to "get involved". Strange because we had known most of them for about 25 years and you would think that they would know us well enough to know what was being said was totally false and that they wouldn't be so easily taken in. This couple are very manipulative and controlling and yet it is very difficult to put your finger on exactly how they do it. Anyway three years on and this 'new couple' gave themselves away and were well and truly caught out in a lie and then when the wife completely lost her temper over that she then screamed in front of the whole group about having got rid of us and they could get rid of the person into whose face she was screaming as well. Interestingly our erstwhile friends have since then been making overtures to us but DH and I are not at all convinced that we want to reconnect. They are not the first we have come across to behave in that way and I doubt they will be the last. It is just human nature I am afraid. The whole episode was so very painful that I don't feel the necessary trust will ever be there again to feel able to open up to them again. We shall see.

Good advice lemon grove!

Probably just best to let it go celebgran you did nothing wrong after all.
Sometimes long friendships only keep going through habit.
You have other friends and a good social life.?

Thanks paddyann, it was similar in some ways to you but not our lives took different courses, wemhad 2 children they didn't. She was only child much revered by parents and completely selfish in lots ways, she didn't mean to be and if it was pointed out she would do her best.
We have a good social life and. At least 3 couples we see regularly so it won't affect that. We belong to 2 social clubs and had different relationship with them. Although she was same age we met when we started work just after my father died, shenwas extremely overweight and had leg problems so our social life of dances and folk dancing was t for her,

I can see she was probably jealous of our other friendships she was very possessive. She didn't like us being friends with her friends if that makes sense. Now she has managed to lose us another couple who don't want to get involved, not that I would have done that, we didn't see them that often,
However we do have another mutual friend who has stayed loyal.

I just feel so shocked that she could end the friendship over the phone after 47 years.
However I guess after my estranged daughter it is another rejection.
We have tried everything to sort it with our daughter and sadly she never ever responds.??