Sadness losing long term friend

How very sad, I am so sorry. I have not experienced losing a friend of such long standing, so I cannot really say much, just feel for you xx

If you are really sorry about it and do still wish contact, how about writing to her and saying your sorry you have upset her and you don't want to fall out. If on the other hand you too feel the friendship has run its course then you could leave it. People do change over the years and once close friends can be lost along the way. Sorry you've been upset.

Thank you both I sent concilliatory texts but they were ignored,

I wondered about writing but do,wonder sad as it is if she can be so,unkind when she knew I was low time call it a day

Thanks again for responding

On BBC yesterday afternoon' there was a programme called Moving On, about the end of a 40 year friendship. It bears no resemblance to what happened to you Celebregran but showed that sometimes for different reason we become different people. I think perhaps, after trying so hard to make up and being rebuffed, she is not the friend you used to have. It is another rejection after your daughter and I quite understand how you feel, but you must let it go because it will eat away at you.?

Celeb I have been pondering this one as 30 years ago I walked away from a long term friendship , though I did make clear to my friend why I was doing that. It was hard but necessary for my own sake. She was a very needy person with many problems, and no matter how hard I tried, how much help and advice I gave nothing ever changed and in fact things just got worse. My time was being completely taken up to the detriment of my own healthy state of mind and my family. Then she did something very selfish and thoughtless and for me it was the final straw. I wrote to her and told her that I was moving on, that I was sad it had come to this, repeated some key advice, wished her well ...and struggled for a while to stick to my guns when she sent flowers and cards because in my heart I knew nothing would change! I did contact her to say please move on , repeated my point of view, but she was unable to acknowledge my perspective on anything atall really, so it was impossible for me to consider a rapprochement.
I am not in anyway at all suggesting that your friend feels as I felt or that you have behaved in your friendship as my friend did! Just that maybe it is not one upset over a meal that is at the root of the problem, that seems unlikely after such a long friendship. If you feel there are other things beyond the one incident then an acknowledgment of that in a letter is probably the only thing that just might bring about a reconciliation but in my heart of hearts I don't hold out much hope.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and truly hope that you can move on. I am sorry that your friend has not been brave enough to tell you the reasons for her decision as that helps the moving on process.

That's a shame celebgran but sometimes there is no going back. You had a long friendship but sounds as if it was not without its problems, new friends don't have the history we have with friends of long standing so it's hard when we lose this.
It happened to me as well and though I tried to keep contact things just faded away.
I hope you feel happier soon

I’m sorry that you are so upset right now celebgran as any breakdown in any relationship is hard to cope with. In my experience these breaks don’t happen overnight and are rarely about one thing. Like marriages, long term friendships need nurturing and care and shouldn’t be taken for granted. Sometimes we plod along doing the same old things, saying the same old stuff as though on automatic pilot without realising that something isn’t right. It sounds like your friend is still very angry but I’d give her some space and perhaps try again in a few months time. Take it gently, you never know, she might miss you too. Good luck

Thanks so much ladies.

I think I have to just let it go and see if maybe she does regret it at some point,

It's dh birthday on 19th shenwas alwasy reliable card pres, but doubt will this year.

I think we had drifted apart, and I said things in anger when we went try offer olive branch before Xmas i.e. Roses, I wasn't felt good and she was quite rude, I had to sit on stairs as she was too busy offer us seat (decoration tree) mmm
Similar her husband kept us standing when we delivered their Xmas gifts.
I guess it's shock after so many years, but her godchildren are everything to her not having kids of her own and I feel losing our daughter her godchild didn't help.
There were other problems years ago I won't say on public forum but we overcame it all,

Still for moment I have to let it go,
Thanks again all of you.

I agree there must be more to it than the meal and wish she could have talked to us properly. It was so rude to leave us standing she knows I can't stand long after my surgery also,

Lucklegs will try see that on catchup ! Thanks for lovely email I have replied??x

I think sometimes our lives just go in a different direction from our friends .We have had friends for 40 years who we always spent a lot of time with ,,but looking back it was usually us who made arrangements ,cooked meals booked tickets etc.Now that life for us is a more complex with a sick daughter and 4 GC that we care for we rarely see those "friends" despite saying pop in anytime .It would appear that unless we are happy to go on with the old routine of running after them then they are happy to let the friendship die.For a while it bothered me ,but I have a lot more to worry about than a couple who think the world should revolve around them .If you can look closely at how your friendship played out you might find a reason why your "friend" has behaved like this,its sad but its not the end of the world.You'll get over it in time and find a new focus in life I'm so sorry about your D I hope you manage to make contact with her and sort the problems .

Thanks paddyann, it was similar in some ways to you but not our lives took different courses, wemhad 2 children they didn't. She was only child much revered by parents and completely selfish in lots ways, she didn't mean to be and if it was pointed out she would do her best.
We have a good social life and. At least 3 couples we see regularly so it won't affect that. We belong to 2 social clubs and had different relationship with them. Although she was same age we met when we started work just after my father died, shenwas extremely overweight and had leg problems so our social life of dances and folk dancing was t for her,

I can see she was probably jealous of our other friendships she was very possessive. She didn't like us being friends with her friends if that makes sense. Now she has managed to lose us another couple who don't want to get involved, not that I would have done that, we didn't see them that often,
However we do have another mutual friend who has stayed loyal.

I just feel so shocked that she could end the friendship over the phone after 47 years.
However I guess after my estranged daughter it is another rejection.
We have tried everything to sort it with our daughter and sadly she never ever responds.??

Probably just best to let it go celebgran you did nothing wrong after all.
Sometimes long friendships only keep going through habit.
You have other friends and a good social life.?

Good advice lemon grove!

Celebgran I'm afraid that it isn't about you it is all about your erstwhile friend. Sometimes a friendship does run it's course and often when looking back you can see how you have gradually drifted apart especially when your circumstances have changed - which is ridiculous really as nothing stays the same for ever.
I am sure you are right that there is a lot of jealousy involved, there so often is, and you can do absolutely nothing about that. All you can do is get involved with other new friends and fill in the gaps.

Although not the same we have had similar with a group of friends. A new couple joined the group we were part of and gradually isolated us and then manipulated us out. It was obvious that they have a need to be King pins and they told absolute whoppers about us, nobody would even talk to us about what was being said and to a man/woman decided they didn't want to "get involved". Strange because we had known most of them for about 25 years and you would think that they would know us well enough to know what was being said was totally false and that they wouldn't be so easily taken in. This couple are very manipulative and controlling and yet it is very difficult to put your finger on exactly how they do it. Anyway three years on and this 'new couple' gave themselves away and were well and truly caught out in a lie and then when the wife completely lost her temper over that she then screamed in front of the whole group about having got rid of us and they could get rid of the person into whose face she was screaming as well. Interestingly our erstwhile friends have since then been making overtures to us but DH and I are not at all convinced that we want to reconnect. They are not the first we have come across to behave in that way and I doubt they will be the last. It is just human nature I am afraid. The whole episode was so very painful that I don't feel the necessary trust will ever be there again to feel able to open up to them again. We shall see.

Gosh that sounds awful synonymous

Our ex friend was very manipulative, when our estranged daughter had a row. After graduating from uni where we supported her for 4 years they let her go and stay!

After she wrote her car off one I had given her, theynwrote cheque for her to get another one without even running it past us, she got her husband to ring me, I told him a few things. It backfired on our estranged daughter as our ex friend expected every penny back.

More I think about it can't understand why I continued the friendship so long. Somehow we seemed get over each problem . However once the trust has gone that's it really.
I would t feel happy reconnecting In your case.
Our ex friends were dreadful bragger they Inherrritted lot money (so did we before them actually) however they seemed to want especially her to try and sound superior with their 2nd hand jag get the picture?
I made me feel like putting them in their place when it failed mot?I mentioned we have t had mot problem for 9 years since we change car every 3 years. However that's not a genuine friendship I don't feel.

When kids were little we used to get so fed up of them coming round staying too late and bragging about things we could t afford then.

They were sooo materialistic.

After our daughter cut them off as well as us they even. Tried to manipulate my son who lived 185 miles away into inviting them over Xmas all behind our back. When he told them to run it past us we never heard a thing ?

It seems to me that this friend has her own reasons for ending the friendship!! You describe less a friendship more an ongoing niggle between you! Best to move on!

Madgran77, your post resonated with an experience I had 40 years ago. I had a friend who drained the life out of me, she went from one crisis to another, everything was about her, one night she turned up at my home after midnight, I was in bed and the door bell rang furiously waking me and my children up, she had had an argument with her then boyfriend. My mother had died not long before, I said I wouldn't be talking then and she had woken the the children and they were were upset, I said I would call her the next day, she didnt like that and left in a huff. I didnt ring, she rang me two days later saying her and boyfriend were back on were back on, no apologies for what she had gone, atvthatcstageci didn't want one. I told her I couldn't cope any more with the dramas, a weight lifted off me.. I was relieved it was over. It had been building up for some time.

How strange your first post i felt quite sorry for you when these friends were rude to you and pushed you away, but by your last post I thought it sounded toxic from both sides and wondered what the heck you had to call a friendship and maybe your sadness in your original post was because they got the ‘goodbye’ in before you did as there certainly seemed a lot of ‘ competitiveness in this relationship
Enjoy your life apart

Blue belle i think any close friendship lasti g 47 years I'd goi g to have ups and downs

It may sou mnd weirdweird but I can remember how it was when we first met and how kind she was as had just buried my Dad at 16. She always had a the debcy to copy me but I laughed. That off

I would never have totally ended our friendship myself and I this k your post is the only one who failed to see despite our problems I am extremely hurt and upset

Yes there was lit negative stuff but also positive things over years it was more like family warts and all

Do.people change? I would never have dreamt she could betray me by involving another couple and her mum who we used to go visit regularly.

Sad you can't see how upset this has made me and I hate the word toxic

Lucklegs gosh how thoughtless of your ex frien not even to.apologize for waking children! Think you were right let that one go you are such
Kind person yourself. X

Twenty five years ago I had a female friend who I regularly termed ‘my best friend’. However, I gradually realised that I did far more for her in emotional support than she ever did for me and that she ‘used’ me both in terms of emotional support and in employment. Eventually I decided to stop calling her and of course, I discovered she only called when she had problems at home or required a reference for a job. Eventually all contact ceased ( I think she got a permanent job ) but, to be, honest, I still miss her and think of her, especially when we have family celebrations.
I don’t think I’m very good at closure and tend to hang on to People but sometimes, just for your own mental health, you have to let people go.

Luckylegs however much one knows it is the right thing to do, its still hard isn't it! Like you it was a particular thing that was the last straw for me. I think that is the case often when a friend makes this decision....having talked to a number of people over the years to whom it has happened or who have made the decision. Sometimes only one person in the friendship can go for it and make the decision but it is not easy

Humberbear I can relate to that.

I guess for long while another lady I have known closely for around 20 years who is an altogether different personality so I guess she has become my closest or best friend, we are off out for lunch together today

I have another 2 friends known for 40 years so guess I am lucky In That respect.

Just seen my dr whose been treating me for depression since we lost our beloved pet and she advised leaving it if I didn't have a mutual friend who could at least find out why?
I became tearful telling her about the last phone call so guess am hurt more than I realise,

The other mutual friend was one who cancelled our visit before Xmas via email at 3pm in afternoon when I had bought extra bits like you do for them. Excuse was felt under the weather, didn't pick up phone and when pressed said was none of her business if I had problems with xxxxx but she didn't want get involved as would put her in difficult position, he daughter is another godchild who my ex friend has tried replace my daughter with,
She went to school with her.

Don't think she is likely to help do you ladies?

Not true celebgran I totally felt empathy for you in your first post and I said that at the start of mine, however when you posted the second post which sounded as if you were both upsetting each other over quite big things and you called them ‘manipulative’, ‘materialistic’ ‘we got so fed up with them coming round’, ‘ the trust has gone’ all your words not mine so I thought my post was agreeing with what you were saying and that’s what I was trying to do let you accept that this was right for you now and not to hold yourself back mourning something that obviously wasgiving you as many bad times as good for years

Maybe it is your depression that is making you more unhappy and vulnerable at the moment and good that you’ve approached the doctor for some help