Cutting and hurtful

Starlily I am very angry on your behalf at the gross nastiness of this utterly disingenuous woman 'joking' about something so deeply upsetting to you. Please do not take whatever she has to say on board. It seems she's a person who has to belittle others to bolster her own self esteem. You don't deserve or need her negativity in your life

Ann I think you probably have enough on your plate to contend with, so I don't blame you one bit. Its not worth the upset.

Thank you Legss55 Yes I understand what you are saying. She was grieving and hurt and sometimes we say things without thinking. The reason my DH was so annoyed is that I tend to be a bit of a doormat and put everyone before myself. It's not the first time something like this has happened but I know there was no malice in it, just a bit thoughtless.

Ann you know yourself better than anyone else does so make your own decisions.
I have long term friends and recently made friends ( including other GNers) and value them all, but then I don’t have the patience of a Saint so although I could easily forgive the odd unsensitive comment from them I would not put up with constant ones, and would give them the heavo-ho.

Heave-ho even! ?

although I could easily forgive the odd unsensitive comment from them I would not put up with constant ones, and would give them the heavo-ho.
It's not so easy, though, if you are both part of a social group, or live in close proximity to someone.

I often find that people who have to make cutting remarks are not as happy as they would have you think. I worked with a dreadful woman a few years ago who seemed to take an instant dislike to me from the minute I started the job. She put every obstacle in my way and was cutting and sarcastic. She made my life a misery. I later found out that her home life was very unhappy indeed and she had all manner of problems despite her haughty, superior attitude.

That’s true, but if it bothered me enough I would try and make another social group ( or is this not possible?)
It all depends on how much it upsets you I suppose ( from thinking that he/she is a plonker to ruining the evening.)
If you have a very large social circle or attend a club Jalima and that person makes cutting remarks for no reason, what do other people standing there say?
It can be difficult, because if he is a good guy then often people accept the bits they don’t like.

Ann sixty, I think you should just rise above it and say something like " Never mind , I was glad I was able to help you."
A lot of people have been the second choice and have made history. Montgomery and Clint Eastwood spring to mind.
People do say things off the cuff that can be upsetting but it's inadvertent. I have said so many things I regret.
My sister was always very critical of me and my children and I can only think it came from a sense of inferiority or low self worth.

Could you make an 'I' statement if she is rude or puts you down again? Simply say 'I find that comment rather rude. Perhaps you didn't mean it to come over like that' and smile sweetly.

what do other people standing there say?
'Sharp intake of breath' - they all know what he is like but perhaps I (and another couple of women) was too easy to bully and he knows just whom he can upset.

How awful for you Jalima hardly much of a man is he?

I only have people in my life who enhance it, add to it in some measure and I do my best by my friends as I value them. I have never had friends who would say anything untrue about me nor have they ever had occasion to take a dig at me. They're decent women and we appreciate and care about each other. My advice is to either have a short conversation next time you're alone with her OR let the friendship go.

How lovely

But - is there no-one, perhaps the OH of a friend, who don't enhance your life?
I value my friends but I can't choose their OHs for them!

doesn't, not don't

No Jalima I would never be offensive about people's friends or families but some times I just have to come back with a retort. I have deleted many a post on GN before it went out purely because I thought it may be taken the wrong way.

I let go of a friend from childhood who came back to this country, visited me and said something awful about my ex husband which was completely untrue, sulked because I had bought some lovely food in for lunch but she had wanted to go to a pub....and trashed the town I live in.

This was on top of many irritations from her in the past [she stole from me when we were kids, had an affair with a married man and pursued him for years after....I tried not to judge] this was the last straw so I stopped e mailing her. She kept asking what was wrong...and I told her the friendship was over.
I'm happy with my decision as she upset me so much and I can't afford to have to deal with nasty remarks. I only see people who I am comfortable with and pleasant.

What a pity that some people feel the need to sooth their own sense of inferiority by boasting or putting others down!
I hold to the old maxim that in general, if you have nothing kind to say just keep your mouth shut?

I don’t understand what was wrong with that remark. When there are three in a group one of them is frequentky left out of things simply because they are not needed. It was the lady’s sons who asked M to ge with their mum - maybe she happened to be there at the time - but whatever the reason, what is there to be upset about in that? If you had been asked first would M have been resentful?

Of course if you no longer enjoy this lady’s company just gradually drop out of the scene - be busy when something is being arranged, and tell her to go ahead without you.

annsixty I've just seen your post. What a nasty woman - how hurtful. I would make no effort whatsoever to remain friendly with someone like that.

I just would have had a different take on it. I'd see it that by being there for this woman when her "first choice" wouldn't help, she had gradually come to value you more until it got to the point that she felt she wanted to be totally honest with you - that she trusted you to understand.

I have (had, now) a friend who would always reply, if confronted, 'I speak as I find' and with some pride. One day, I said 'You speak and you hurt'. She backed off. But I no longer seek her out, and my information is that she has no friends left now.

Seriously, who needs to know they were 'second choice?'

I know I am a bit of a pedant but did she not mean ‘for the first time in your life (with her) you were second?’ Meaning that you always come first?
It seems to me she harbours some resentment to you? The way she didn’t look at you and it’s strange construction seems odd.
I have a complicated relationship with an old friend too and I realise she seems little aware of the swipes she makes at me. I not only stopped ringing her months ago, which didn’ t stop her constantly ringing me and me never answering the phone in case it was her, till I messaged her and asked her to stop ringing me. Nothing will persuade her that it is because I don’t want to speak to her, because I don’t like her. She is putting it down to my ill health!!!
So is it worth confronting these thick skinned people? Probably but like you I too avoid it. What can you say? I don’t like you? Hardly. We have to try to be kind because we never know anyone enough to not cause them damage. Mmmm difficult