Have we reached a crossroad?

Could your dh be tempted to make the trip if you travelled business class to Australia? Is he the sort of person for whom the though is worse than the deed i.e. he doesn't like the idea now but will have a grand old time of it when he gets there? If so, I'd chivvy him along a bit, I think.

When my Dh was 60 his job involved us moving abroad to live in a third world country so I must admit, I do find it a bit odd for your dh not to grasp the opportunities while still young enough to do such things.

I hope you get your desired trip to Oz!

I m afraid I m with Luckygirl here I would hate to be going on loads of internal flights within a holiday The man has said he ll come if you really want him to and he also went to America when he didn’t want to at all, so it seems as if he has compromised too
It sounds as if you ve always been complete opposites in every single thing since the day you met, the opposites are just becoming more obvious now as you are getting older but something must have made you love him if you ve been with him since 15 and he sounds a perfectly decent bloke Going bike riding or walkings got to be better than having an affair
I think it’s harsh to say he didn’t make an effort at the party he obviously finds social situations harder than you and I can totally relate to that, put me in a party and I d be the one sitting playing with the grandkids nowadays
Maybe you should re evaluate your relationship activities build up some new friendships and go travelling with others maybe even one of these over 50 s singles adventure hols you sound as if that would suit you down to the ground and he can do his own thing while you’re gone You d have plenty to talk about when you get back You can’t make someone like the same things as you and it sounds as if has always been so, did you think it would change when you retired what do they say ‘ a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots’

I think if you are only 60 and fit and you have unfulfilled dreams then it would be a pity not to go. However, how much would you enjoy it if your DH refuses to go with you? I wonder how he would react if you said 'Well, just this once we're doing what I want and I want you to come with me to Australia'. However, don't be over-optimistic about all the travelling around - if you go you could be jet-lagged and another four internal flights in a relatively short space of time could be too much.

I do hope he will go, you could, of course, go on your own but that wouldn't be much fun.

He says he'll go under duress having talked about it for years - well tell him it is your dream and it was his too and you want to share it with him - who knows, he might even enjoy it - even if reluctantly!
You can't be the one who compromises all the time - it's a two-way thing and you will have a miserable retirement if you never do any of the things you want to do.

Oh Norah what a ridiculous over reaction!
Honestly, going on like this you have them at the solicitor’s before morning
A “trial separation” just because they have different views on holidays?
What next?
White bread/brown bread? BBC or ITV? Radio 2 or Radio 4? (Oh had pop music/ Classic FM already.)
Duvets or blankets, Remain or Leave (better shut up now or I’ll be accused of making it political.
But honestly!

Luckygirl - probably my different viewpoint on social situations. I just think it rude not to at least make an effort to have a conversation with other guests, especially as we socialise with them on occasion. It just makes him appear unsociable.

Also, I know I can travel alone but selfishly would prefer to share the experience with DH (we have been together since we were 15). It would be impossible for any of my daughters to join me and I have few friends (as ironically we have always said we are each other’s best friend) and those I have would be unable to join me.

Luckygirl - I agree he too has compromised on some things and I know he gets frustrated with me as I don’t enjoy some of the physical activities he likes such as swimming (he goes every morning), cycling, walking (although I do join him on walks sometimes). I also tried a 12 mike cycle ride but fell off half way ??. We also have different body clocks so he is a lark and I am an owl. So he has taken to getting up and just going out for a walk without telling me so when I get up (usually 8:30/9) I might have no idea where he is. Then he falls asleep on sofa at around 9/10 but I can’t sleep unless I stay up till at least midnight. I have to get up at 6:20 three days a week to get to DD for 7 to start childcare even though he is the lark - (he joins me after his swim) so on the other days I want a lie in. We still love each other (but maybe not “in love” with each other? He doesn’t bother with valentines any more for example and our relationship lacks romance).
Ambergirl I wouldn’t burden my daughters with any of this - at least I would downplay it. They have thrived on what they consider is our “perfect” relationship and longevity of our marriage do I wouldn’t want to disillusion or hurt them (even though they appreciate our differences).

My husband couldn't travel far because of his disability so I would go to places by myself. Admittedly not as far as Australia because I needed to know that I could get back if I needed to.
I think marriages can work really well with each person doing their own thing and if you really want to see Australua then go. It is a wonderful country and when I finally got there I didn't want to come back!
I would go camping and leave him at home too. If you are happy to go and he is happy to stay, then everyone is happy!

I don’t see him as selfish but I do think the two of you need to find common ground and work from there. If, as you say, he isn’t interested in foreign travel you could go with a friend, another family member or alone. Marriage doesn’t mean welded at the hip but it does require agreement that some things you’ll do together and some with other people. If he kicks up a fuss about you wanting different things then you have to consider how much of the current arrangement makes you happy and what doesn’t. Only then will you know if the relationship is worth continuing. From what you say, in my opinion he isn’t selfish, but he has decided he can’t do things that he doesn’t enjoy any more. Isn’t that the same for you?

" but apparently he sat in one spot and just chatted to our girls and played with the grandchildren. " - sounds fine to me. Is there something wrong with that?

MawBroon we have toured Scotland, done a tour of Yorkshire Dales/Moors staying in inns (his choice), toured Scilly Isles etc. Driven across France/Switzerland to Italy for a daughter’s wedding, various med resorts etc. So we do ring the changes. In fact our daughters go camping with the children and have invited us but he won’t contemplate it (thinks you are too vulnerable). Even though the other grandparents go.
NanaBilly he has always been on the quiet side but used to be more sociable - he was in Round Table and we used to have the odd party. But as he has got older he has become more introverted. For example we’ve just come back from our granddaughters 2nd birthday party in a hall. I asked if he had chatted to anyone whilst I was helping (as in daughter’s in laws who we know well or friends) but apparently he sat in one spot and just chatted to our girls and played with the grandchildren. In many respects he is quite a young 60 year old but seems to be getting more difficult as he matures. I think he feels he always compromises (all the holidays I like) and that he doesn’t want to any more.

I have a lot of sympathy with your OH - if someone suggested I should go to Australia and then travel around with lots of internal flights, I might tell them to find a bike and hop thereon! Definitely not my cup of tea, so I can see where he is coming from.

Two things stand out:
- he has gone along with the trips that you have wanted in the past and tried to meet you half way; just as you have tried to meet him half way too.
- you have both reached a time of life when you feel you can't be arsed to keep doing things/miss out on things at the behest of the other.

This does not mean you have to part - it simply means that you have to have a conversation about this. Neither of you is wrong to like what you like and not like what you don't like; you just have to find a way of incorporating these differences into a way forward.

But I do think you are wrong to imply that there is something amiss with him because he has different likes.

Maybe you both need to give each other the freedom to do what you each enjoy; and do so with respect for the other's views.

Oh dear...How difficult for you. It is a tricky situation. Very easy to say just go on your own, but I guess you are very torn. My husband is much less sociable than me and likes his core of friends and says he doesn't need anymore! Where as I like to meet new people all the time and forge new friendships....Thankfully he does like to travel and is always keen to book something as long as it is just "Us"....
Only you can decide what is best. We all have to compromise, but you only live once. You deserve to travel if that's what you want maybe an evaluation is required...Have you discussed with him how you feel? I really really feel for your dilemma. You sound as though you have family around, perhaps you can talk to them or friends. Good Luck.

Sounds as if you have already compromised on all enjoyments. Have you considered a trial separation?

“Re-evaluating” of course

There’s more of “the world”/than either the Southern Hemisphere or across the Atlantic.
Is there no room for compromise?
“are-evaluating”the relationship on the grounds of a disagreement (however fundamental) over a holiday sounds bonkers to me.
Just be glad you both have the health and means to contemplate such a trip at all and look at other alternatives.
Compromise works both ways of course as he may need to be reminded.

I have been in your shoes, stand up for yourself before it is too late as it is for me.

Have you told your husband exactly how you feel and that the whole thing is making you want to reevaluate your relationship ?
If I were in your shoes I would have that conversation with him and tell him you are thinking of going alone and he may change his mind. I know my husband would.
Has he always been unsociable or is it an age thing? If he's always been the same then I don't think he will change now ..If it's as he gets older (and in my view 60 is still pretty young) then you still have the chance to make a few changes.
Tell him that if he ,although unwillingly goes with you and makes the most of it then he can choose what you do or don't do for your anniversary but if he tags along and ruins your dream then you will never forgive him.

What a selfish man he sounds.

If it was me I would go on my own and leave him to his own devices. I bet he would be relieved to have you back and perhaps treat you better.

Best of luck.