Support for all who are living with estrangement (2)

Does anyone have a problem like this? Many years ago, my son had a brief two night stand, and after they went their separate ways, the girl rang saying she was pregnant, and wanting marriage, which he didn''t want and didn't happen. My son didn't want her to have the baby, but she did. And he has always paid support. We, the grandparents, saw the little girl and offered support for a couple of years, and my son saw her sporadically. The mother then told us to get lost( which broke my heart) , and we didn't see her for six years. A few months ago, the little girl came back into our lives due to her mother getting seriously ill, and social services contacting us to assist. We have been helping to look after her at weekends. My son, however, is now married with two children, and his wife is upset that this previous child is back in our lives, and my son is therefore upset. . I'm so upset, I don't want to upset them, but I can't turn my back on a small child who needs help...there is no one else who can support her. Does anyone else have such a messy situation?

NanaWilson, in brief answer to your OP, yes there have been a number of posts like yours on this site. I've pm'd you.

Thank you so much

AlexaYes my son needs counseling but he would never go. No matter how much I loved him and nurtured him he became my x husband. Same ranting and raving like him.

I can understand why your d.i.l. is upset but this little girl was fathered by your son before they met, and from what I can gather from your post he had little contact with her in the beginning and has had no contact for 6 years.

What I'm finding difficult to get my head around is, and I don't want to be unkind NanaWilson, your son also being upset that his parents are doing what they can to be there for his daughter.

Presumably they are both aware of the reasons that you are helping to care for her at the moment; that her mother is seriously ill.

Were I in your position I would tell my son and d.i.l. that while I have no desire to upset them, she is my GD who needs me and as her GM I will do all that I can for her, for as long as necessary.

Presumably your son has had no contact with her and as sad as that is, if that is the case there's no reason why that should change.

This must be a time of extreme and mixed emotions for you. Having your GD back in your lives after so long when it would have broken your heart to be told to stay away.

Your son has taken on board his financial responsibilities, and I hope that both he and your d.i.l. will be able to rise above their upset, to enable you to pick up the mantle of emotional and practical support that this little girl so desperately needs at this time.

Rhinestone. Strange isn't it how things work out. We loved and nurtured our ES and I really thought he'd be as good a man as his father, but that didn't happen.

NanaWilson, this little girl is your granddaughter and although you have been rebuked in the past from your granddaughter’s mother, it’s you she has turned to, even if it has been through Social Services.
This child needs you and it’s obvious that you are a trusted person to help.
I don’t know how serious the illness is, but if the outcome is not good, then it may fall on you to have more of a role in the situation.

It’s a shame that your son and daughter in law feel this way.
Sometimes we have to put away selfish feelings and I feel the same as Smileless.
I don’t know how you communicate with your son, but if you spoke to both of them of the seriousness of the situation and maybe he could also see that this is indeed his child that is reaching out for help.

Do hope there is a happy outcome.

This is your GD and the mom is allowing you to see her. It's not DIL's business. Your son needs to step up to the plate, which it appears he has done. I can understand your DIL being upset if she wasn't told about the situation. (Frankly, DS had a responsibility to that child as soon as she was born. The child has a right to know her father. He should have been involved in her life from the beginning, although I do agree that marrying the mother just because of the child would have been a bad idea.)

All I can suggest is that you not say anything to your DIL about the child. If your GC come over to your home, you could just say to them, "This is Susie. Her mom is not well and I'm taking care of her for now." They don't need to know what the actual relationship is unless your son chooses to disclose that to them. It's also DS and DIL's right to decide that they don't want GD to meet their children at present. This will undoubtedly take some time to process.

Agnurse - I think you are an American troll! We have mothers or mums here, not 'moms', and you appear to have upset a lot of people and derailed the thread. Go and get a life, why don't you, but preferably not here!

You never give up with the cod psychology do you agnurse? Every piece of advice, in every subject regarding parenting and estrangement; that I've ever seen you give, has been misguided, one sided and just plain wrong. Why don't you go and interfere somewhere else? Mumsnet for example. oh no, that didn't work out either did it?

Please explain to me what in my most recent post you find offensive?

I don't want to play Devil's advocate, but honestly, I can't see anything offensive in agnurse's recent post. I haven't taken particular notice of any other offensive posts by her or perhaps I have just missed them.

For once, and being objective, I found agnurse's reasoning and helpful post very fair

I don't see anything wrong with agnurse's very reasonable post either.
It seemed quite sensible to me when I read it and I cannot see how it derailed the thread.

NananWilson it must be very difficult for you because this child is still your DGC, whatever the circumstances of her birth, and she needs your love and care at the moment.

It's not DIL's business.
although I can understand DIL being upset

Jaimal

I definitely agree with you there. Definitely should have been something that DS should have discussed with her before the wedding.

What I meant was that whether OP sees the child is not DIL's business. DIL has every right to be upset, but she doesn't get the right to say that her husband and/or his mother can't see their own relative.

Sorry mean Jalimal! Can't read today!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I agree.
The father of the child is going to have to tread a very diplomatic path and the child may well need him in the future, especially if her mother is very ill - let us hope she makes a good recovery.
The child's interests are paramount here.

Actually, it's Jalima followed by some numbers

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thank you for your comments everyone. DIL did know about my granddaughter before they married. My granddaughter's mother suffers from mental health issues. The latest round of upset with my DS and DIL has kicked off due to us deciding to take our granddaughter on holiday with us, to give her mum a rest. This is despite us giving them an awful lot over the years to help them with their little family.

Thanks, I like that idea of saying "this is susie..."

DIL did know about the child before the wedding. They seem to have deluded themselves into thinking the child had gone away.

I do not understand why agnurse's posts seem to cause such mass hysteria! Some earlier poster told her to f* off and another described her as sinister! The content of her posts do not merit such excessive responses or allegations of being a troll. A troll's purpose is to stir up trouble - agnurse's reasoning always seems fairly logical to me. Just because she has a different opinion/view from you does not make her wrong. She is as entitled to post here as anyone else.

It's not often we agree agnursebut I agree that this is not the d.i.l.'s business. As the OP's husband has been providing financial assistance for his daughter, and as confirmed by NanaWilson, she has always known about the existence of this little girl.

It's interesting that your desire to take your GD on holiday has stirred up this resentment NanaWilson and verythat her upsetting situation isn't at the forefront of her father's mind.

This little girl is fortunate to have you in her life once again and I hope that when everything settles down her mother appreciates all that you've done and allows her to be a part of your life in the future.