Support for all who are living with estrangement (2)

It's great that you have seen your GD magicma and to know that you'll have all o your GC together this weekend, and another soon to be born.

I hope things continue to improve for you. Enjoy every minute of something some of us an only dream of and have a lovely weekend.

I am struggling today. Not just the frustrations of everyday life but real deep struggling. My mother wanted me dead from the moment she knew she was pregnant. And I feel that in me now, that death is the answer. Like 'what's the point to life?' The more I look back on my early life I see no redeeming features. I was unwanted, unloved and unprotected. Ridiculed, humiliated, starved, beaten & sexually traumatised by those who were supposed to love me. I've spent thousands on the very best therapy this country has to offer and it still isn't enough to undo the damage to my (then) developing brain. I've thought today about contacting my mother to see her face-to-face and tell her the hurt she's caused me but I struggle with this as I still don't want her in my life. Dunno why I'm posting this really. My psychological pain is immense and I struggle desperately.

Jammy, sending big virtual hugs. Do you have someone to talk to today as you are feeling so low? Have you written your mother a letter explaining your feelings even if you don’t post it?
You sound like a lovely kind person who would be a great friend. Please talk to someone and take good care of yourself. You are so worth it.

JammyWriting things down is always therapeutic. As Dolcette said, write a letter, even if you don't post it. I have many of those....letters written but never posted. Every time someone hurts me, I write it down, it seems to help.
What an awful life Jammy ..be strong

Dear Jammy, I want to hug and console that little girl that’s inside you.
I wonder if you have a trusted person who has skills to help and support you if you were to have a face to face with your mother?
I feel you need to ask her certain questions and maybe just maybe she needs that too.

But right now it’s about your healing that matters and you have tried so hard to understand how this came about.

Remember you are loved

Jammytoast. Have you any family? A partner? I dont know why, but I thought you had your own children, so if I have got it wrong and you are completely on your own that must be why you are constantly looking back. You need to fill your life, look forward, not back.

Jammy, come and talk to us. I am worried about you.

Jammy, I agree with writing a "burn letter". You might also find it helpful to read the book "Toxic Parents". Believe me when I say you are not alone.

agnurse's suggestion of the book is a good one Jammy. I've read a lot on toxic adult children and adult children's toxic partners. One in particular was so amazing I felt as if the writer had been sitting on my shoulder and lived every painful moment of our estrangement with me.

Like Luckylegs I thought you had children of your own but perhaps we have you confused with someone else.

The damage that has been done cannot be undone Jammy how I wish that for you it could be. Death isn't the answer; life is and not just surviving but living.

Jammy 'Take pride in how far you've come and have faith in how for you can go'. You've been through so much and have come so far you must be physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Try and find something you can lose yourself in; your favourite film, book or music. Something that will focus your thoughts on something, anything other than your mother. Even if it's just for a short time, it might help your mind to relax.

We are all here for you; please keep posting.

From myself and others here in the states a big thank you for your support today especially from all those parents estranged from their children because of our president.

Rhinestone

One thing to keep in mind: some of these children are being trafficked and are coached to say the adult(s) with them is(are) their parent(s) when in fact they're not related. Sometimes separating the children from the adults really is in their best interest. I do not know if this is true in every situation, but I believe it is sadly common.

Most of the people coming here are running away from the violence in their countries. They go to the port of entries where they can apply for asylum and are told it’s closed so they go to any entry they can. These children are all over the states and because they are not sure who belongs to whom they are now using DNA tests. They took breast feeding babies from their moms. These children are innocent . And now, they can’t be returned to a relative living here. It has to be a parent. So here you go. A different kind of estrangement thanks to our heartless leader.
There are 83 children in my state alone. To him them crying rips my heart in two.
Okay I won’t bother you all with my countries problems but I just felt better getting it out here .

Jammy, you need to seek and get professional help. The feelings you have cannot be sorted on a forum I'm afraid. I would urge you to go to your doctor asap and tell him that without help, you fear for your future. Don't delay get in touch today.

Rhinestone so sad. 83 children and babies?

Just for the record Lucky I am getting professional help. I have been for the last 2 years. The very best trauma therapy there is.. & I still struggle. Just wanted to tell you I'm not sitting on my arse moaning. This is something I work with every day trying to get over it & undo the damage.

I applaud your efforts Jammy. It’s so painfully obvious that the hurt inner child desperately needs answers. For all the reasons I stated previously, I doubt you will get totally truthful ones from the only person who could give them to you.

However, listening to the depths of your despair, maybe the only thing left for you IS to approach your mother. I advise that very reluctantly, and hope that your already very damaged psyche can take it. Please think long and hard, face the truth that it may not give you what you need, imagine what your worst case scenario would be from such a confrontation. Then attempt to find the strength and courage to go ahead and face it.

I hope you find some peace, however small.

Yeah Irish you're right where I'm at.. What I need to try to do next is imagine the worst possible outcome and try to be wise before the event. Once I've opened that Pandora's box & written to her, I can't undo it. I've had 3 letters from her in the last 10yrs. I never replied because I was considering how I felt & what my response would be & then I eventually just forgot about it until the next one arrived. Trouble is, I can't imagine what might come of it?

Take your time Jammy. Make a list of all the possible outcomes/accusations etc, that contact may bring and try to work out ways to protect yourself against them. Then make a list of all the things you have done over the years just to survive the hideous things done to you. List everything, even simple things like getting up in the morning, walking in the sunshine. There will be many. Gain strength from all you’ve achieved. I will be thinking of you, and hope you will let us know how you get on. Remember, you are a very special, strong human being.

Whatever you decide Jammy I hope that you find it beneficial. It takes tremendous courage to even consider contacting your mother with all that you've been through.

Rhinestone it has been very upsetting to see those children taken away from their parents and must be harder for you, knowing that was being done by the President of your country. Am I right in saying that they've stopped this now? I do hope so.

It's highly unlikely IMO that the children Rhinestone's referring too are being trafficked agnurse. When that particular disgusting practice is taking place, the adults are entering a country legally, not as refugees seeking asylum.

Morning ladies, just popped on to say 'hello'. I hope you've all got something to look forward to this weekend.

Jammy hope you're doing OK.

Just had an exhausting but lovely week with 2 yr old. I so appreciate being allowed to take care of gc's now and then. Not everyone gets that chance. I read a long time ago that grand children help to mitigate getting older. I don't think the younger generation realise how close we feel to GC or AC for that matter. We maybe have to learn to treat them differently but still love and worry about them. I was probably the same myself at their age. The difference is that we just put up with or accepted GP's as part of our family. Doubt the relationships between the generations are any harder now than then, but the response certainly can be. So my nice weekend is a pleasant sigh and feet up. G

Sounds delightful Googoogool .
Its a lovely age 2yrs isn't it? They're excited by everything and its heart warming to be part of their world and share their curiosity, I think.

Yes put your feet up for the rest of the WE, have some me time and enjoy the weather!!

Had a really good weekend. Sitting here with a cup of coffee I just thought I wish I had recognised earlier the pointlessness of trying to make our children care, when they don't. It's that simple, I put up with behaviour no one else would have got away with, none of my friends or family would behave that way. There is no such thing as an ideal family. It's a pity we can't all meet up and have a party.

Why can't we Luckylegs? Yes, it would take some planning. We'd have to know where each of us lives and find a location which was reasonable for us all to get too but I'm sure it would be doable.

What do you all think; I'm game.

Count me in too!