Support for all who are living with estrangement (2)

Thanks everyone. That’s the first time I’ve actually written about my situation. It helps, although doesn’t answer any questions.

As far as I’m aware the two daughters-in-law have no contact crazyh. Have only met about three times. They were both around the 40 mark when they had their first babies, very career orientated, so I can only assume there is no room in their lives for me.

I do know how very lucky I am that my sons care so much. Their father left when they were quite young, so the bond between the three of us has always been very strong. They do send videos and pics regularly, but that actually only makes me cry for what I’m missing. I know some people feel they should be more dominant with their wives, but I also know what they suffer when they try, and how it affects the little ones. I won’t be responsible for that, so I will carry on accepting things, whilst hoping for change.

Hi,

It is thawing here now, warmer temps tomorrow so hopefully all this white stuff will soon be gone.

Yoga I do hope the horse you reported was helped by the RSPCA, there have been so many sad stories about birds and wildlife not making it during the cold spell.

I know what you mean about our life is a routine, never a day goes by when I don't think about my EAC and family. I reckon never a day goes by when my EAC doesn't think of me either.

Memories must be stored in their brains too is what I think.

Grannygrace, I agree, it is wonderful to see this thread back in full swing, it has offered support to others experiencing the traumas of estrangement for over 5 years I believe. I wish I had known it was here when I first became estranged, I thought I was the only mother in the world estranged, truly I did and felt very alone.

IrishRose I am sorry you are hurting too, thankyou for feeling able to share your story and I just know you will be offered support here.

You mention feeling confused, I think many of us here can identify with similar feelings of confusion.

Don't feel judged because it is both your sons, it is not uncommon for more than one adult child to estrange, distance themselves or have limited contact, so you are not alone.

Morning all

Good posts everyone, lovely to see you've posted again Irishrose

Had coffee with a young friend of mine yesterday, her sons [twins] were born the same time as my GD. Unfortunately her parents lived a distance away, so we would chat over coffee and on the phone about the forth coming babies, she phoned me whilst in hospital having the babies & I would pop round to see her, exchanging birthing, baby stories, mine of my GD living with me & my D. Her story was the same as my D's were the father had done a runner, even before the birth! So parallel stories, that each young mum was interested in the other's experiences. My friend was helped no end by the church, a real life saver for her.

Anyway, her sons have grown so tall now, lovely boys, but of course when I look at them I cannot not think of my darling little GD It's not as painful as it was to look at her sons, the pain a little dulled with time. My friend was so very shocked when the estrangement happened, as she felt she knew my D well, even though just by my talking of her and she was a rock at the beginning. My friend and my D were always asking about each other with their similar situations.

Well the sun is shinning this morning, my robins are back in my tree and the snow is all but melted.

Have a nice Sunday everyone xx

Goodmorning all ! Little granddaughter's christening today. Hope she grows up to be a kind, loving girl and treats everyone with respect , including her mother-in-law ??

I hope you are all thawing out by now!
So good to see posters popping up, 'talking' to others who absolutely understand is so helpful.
Irish rose, thank you for sharing your story, it takes courage.
When we first find ourselves being estranged, it is difficult to tell other people, many grandparents say they feel ashamed.
It can be a very lonely place.
Reading threads such as this shows that estrangement and alienation has sadly become the 'norm' within many families all across the world.

Good to hear that your robins are back Yoga. We saw our little wren this morning which we were really pleased about as it's the first time since the bad weather began.

Have a wonderful day celebrating your GD's christening crazyH.

The snows all but gone here no but it's a horrible day, grey, very cold and raining off and on so our planned long walk with our little dog has been put on hold. We're game but he'd hate it in this weather.

Just sitting watching 'Songs of praise', Katherine Jenkins [same spelling as my sister], she looks just like my young friend I was talking about above, I didn't mention that I didn't feel good at the time, not being able to help her more than emotionally, as I was looking after my D&GD when she was first born, I took on more work to support us all, worked as an auxiliary nurse in the local hospital, nearly killed me, but I did like the work.

Hope your GD's Christening day went well CrazyH

Yes Minty seems a lot of good kind GP are being 'cut out' these days, I think it's because it's excepted, whereas years ago it wouldn't have been.

Lovely little wren Smileless , I do get one in my garden from time to time, they are the smallest of birds. My Son bought me a lovely bird book, just before all this estrangement, I keep it by my bed, so I can check and make sure I am identifying the birds correctly. Me too, re walkies on hold, my little Westie normally does well for walks, but not this week and this afternoon it's raining 'cats & dogs' here

Yes, christening went very well .... apart from a couple of digs from my strange d.inlaw......when the Deacon said that he is opposed to people chewing gum in church, she told him...my mother inlaw always chews gum, and I opened my mouth and said "look X, I don't have any chewing gum" , she replies "well not today but you are always chewing gum" and then at another point, she made a comment about one of my FB posts...."oh you didn't have much support among your friends, did you? " ...I really don't know why she does this. Never mind, I had a great time...my son made it a point to sit at my table and had a lovely chat ..he said "mum, we don't have chats like this any more" and I said "yes, I miss that ".... but on the whole it was a lovely afternoon....too many Proseccos but I thought I had to post this before I dropped off ??

Hi,

Pleased to read it wasn't as painful for you seeing your young friend's children Yoga, I suppose this shows you have maybe got more used to things as the years have gone by.

Hope you enjoyed a cosy day at home with Mr. S. Smileless and your little dog.

Minty estrangement can be a very lonely place to be and certainly does carry shame with it, especially amongst those who just don't understand and you know they are thinking it must be the parents' fault.

CrazyH, so pleased you managed to spend some time talking with your son today but really sad for you that your DIL's behaviour towards you wasn't the best.

It's thawed here now, snow all gone, things back to normal.

Still not thawed here, 2-3 feet of snow around my building and some people in my town, further up the mountain, still stuck behind 5-6 drifts against their doors and in their streets.
No public transport running but Monday one bus starts running I think.

joannab yes the shame of being estranged was greater before I found out so many of us are here on GN. I still feel shame when someone asks do I see my child, or when I bump into someone who knows my family and I have to decide how much to say.

Morning all

Thanks for sharing CrazyH and glad you enjoyed your GD's Christening and had a nice chat with your Son. Sounds like, as you've said, your d.i.l doesn't like you, I would be very careful around her and try to ignore her comments.

They were talking about the 'new' tradition of an Easter Tree on the radio this morning. I brought this tradition back from when I lived in Holland, I still have all the little wooden bunnies, baskets, eggs etc. you just go into the woods to get a nice branch and decorate, lovely

Wish I had said on my early post above; estrangement Lark

Smileless, I'm so glad Mr. S is doing better!

Yoga, the Easter Tree sounds like a lovely idea!

NanKate, I'm so sorry about your situation. I agree that it's good your dss stay in contact. Have they told you of any specific reasons your dils have distanced themselves from you? Anything you could change, even if it seems "silly" or "minor" to you? Be that as it may, chances are dss have tried to convince dils to let them bring the gc to you, but to no avail. Please continue to enjoy your relationship w/ dss, and when the kids are older, maybe they'll come to see you, too. I know those videos, etc. make you cry. But keeping up w/ your GC's lives this way will probably make it easier to form a relationship w/ them, if possible, later on.

Good morning dear ladies, crazy H glad the christening went well even with DIL and her since remarks. Good to see you all posting cheerful posts, even whilst you are undergoing personal sadness.
Have a blessed day ladies.

Looks like you enjoyed the christening crazyH, your d.i.l.'s a funny onion isn't she. How lovely though that you had a good chat with your son. Did she make the FB comment after your chat with your son? If so that looks liketo me though why any d.i.l or s.i.l. should resent the relationship their husband or wife has with their mother is beyond me.

I started helping out in January with 'Messy Church' which takes place on the first Saturday of every month. I had no idea what it was all about and was rather horrified my first time when I realised it was for families and their small children. Horrified because for the last 5 years, for the most part, I've made a point of not being around little ones, especially little boys because of our estrangement.

Like you Yoga with your friend's children it was always just so painful. Anyway I got stuck in and two little boys in particular seemed to be drawn to me and me to them. They're not brothers, the eldest is 6 and the youngest 2, the same ages as our GC.

At least half of the children come with their GM's so it was difficult seeing the interaction between them, imagining that that's what it would have been like for me with ours and knowing that I'd never experience it.

When I told Mr. S. what it involved he said 'oh no' and asked if I was OK, well I was and I am. I know this sounds silly but having children, those 2 boys in particular wanting to spend time with me, made me feel as if I'd been given validation, that I'm not a bad person, that I am a good mum and would have been a good GM too.

I spent so long staying clear of any involvement with children that until very recently, it had never occurred to me what I was depriving myself of the joy that spending time with children can bring, even though they're not my GC but someone else's.

Crazyh, I think dil was very rude and hostile. But I'm glad you were able to get past that and enjoy the Christening, anyway! And how wonderful that you had a chance to have such a good conversation with ds!

Congratulations to baby and the whole family!

Smileless, how wonderful that you're enjoying "Messy Church" and those little children! I see it has also restored your confidence as a mum/gm/person, and I'm glad. You deserve to be appreciated and to feel good about yourself.

Well done crazy for being the bigger person.....especially after so much prosecco! I have one DIL who, no matter what I said, would correct me and say the opposite. To the point where everyone around would know how ridiculous she was being. Given how things have turned out, I’m sorry I always bit my tongue, thinking I was keeping the peace. Yeah, that went well didn’t it?

As you know Smileless I have read this thread for a very long time, and I have to say that I have seen an amazing change and growth in your reaction to your estrangement. And the beauty of that is I feel it’s rubbed off on others, giving them hope. None of us will ever be the same people we were before, but to be able to find acceptance is the best thing to strive for. At least that’s my own belief, and what I am aiming for.

Have the best possible day everyone.

What lovely ladies you all are ......each and everyone coping with whatever life has dealt ....some of you have got husbands/partners to share, comfort and love.. I loved it when Smileless said 'I love Mr S even more' (after his recent bout of illness) ...others like myself live by ourselves, but we certainly are not alone. We have friends we can talk to, but it's not the same as our GNs, because here, we are going through almost the same thing, to a greater or lesser degree.

I'm still nursing a hangover after the christening prossecco. Tucked up in bed with my iPad ....but will have to get up now to go to collect my car from the Hotel....my neighbour will give me a lift.

Enjoy the rest of the day !!
Btw Smileless , she made the FB comment after my chat with my son, but the chewing gum remark was made in the church before we went to the Hotel. She is a "funny onion"

Smileless how lovely you felt able to take that big step towards being with little ones. I'm sure your help was appreciated, and that you seem to have a rapour with the little boys. Pleased you actually enjoyed it. I think their is an association of families looking for surrogate Grandparents, especially for children who have no living Grandparents. For those up to taking such a big step I think it must be a rewarding thing to do.

Thank you IrishRose. Acceptance is difficult that's for sure and for me it was the only way of moving forward. I still have my moments though. Had one last night while watching Dancing on Ice.

One of the contestants was talking about his relationship with his mum and the lovely things he was saying mirrored what our ES used to say about our relationship, to me and to others which is why the estrangement was such a to us, our family and friends.

Thank you Starlady . The damage that being CO by your own AC does to your self esteem, your sense of self, is massive.

It's so evident in all who post with personal experience of this nightmare. The lack of confidence, feelings of worthlessness and shame are as big a burden to live with as the pain.

Oooh I knew it crazyH that that remark from your d.i.l. in an attempt to put you down came after she'd seen you and your son engaging in that intimate conversation and enjoying one another's company. I hope your hangover's better now; you must have had a good time.

I think it was a good thing that I didn't know what 'Messy Church' entailed because I probably wouldn't have gone gg and I can see now what I'd have missed out on.

Oh Smileless how sweet, I would have known what 'messy play' was lol. Strange how the two little boys, same age as your GS, were drawn to you, I thought you were going to say they were your GS! Are you going to continue helping out? and what if your GS do appear

Thank you Grannygrace good to see you posting.

I've just sorted a problem with a scam, thought I was talking to McAfee, but wasn't, all sorted now, but beware ladies, that you are talking to the correct person!

No Yoga there's no chance of my GC turning up. The sea side town where we now live is just 25 miles from our old home. We used to bring our boys here for days out but there's no way our ES would come here now and risk the chance of bumping into us.

I'm going to keep on helping out. I enjoy it and for me it's another illustration of how far I've come. I wont be going to church on Sunday though; that remains a step too far but maybe one year I'll manage to go.