Support for all who are living with estrangement (2)

Jammy....just a wave from another daughter who went nc.
I can certainly say my mother sought no help.....Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and a few other mental quirks) would never have allowed her to contemplate matters from a different perspective.

Hi Jammy
I've been trying to find your first post to see why you went nc with your mother, in the first place.
Whatever it was, a letter to her will do you good, even if it is just to get things off your chest. You could even tear it up if you decide not to send it. Writing has always been my therapy. I am not estranged as such but have a difficult relationship with one of my sons and his wife. So, when things bother me, I write my feelings down. It helps me for sure.
All the best !

Hello again to those of you who know me and for those that don't, I am the daughter who cut off her mother.

You might remember I was thinking of writing to my dm but I'm still trying to make up my mind. Tonight it occurred to me to wonder if my mother had done any serious self reflection or sought any therapy after I went nc? So I thought I'd ask you guys. After you were cut off did any of you look really hard & honestly at yourselves? Did any of you enter therapy & if yes, how long for? What did you get out of it? How do you feel to the dc who cut you off? And if I may ask, how long has it been now? Many thanks. Jammy

Dolcelatte - I came across this thread by accident, and read your story .with a great deal of sadness.
My job frequently involves working with victims of abuse, and emotional abuse is as destructive as more obvious forms. Almost all the details of your daughters story scream 'red flag' to me. Removing the victim from family and friends, or any other support, is the foundation stone of this type of behaviour.
I say this, not to upset or worry you (I sensed from one post that you have already considered the possibility) but to say that in many, many instances women do eventually break away....so there is every hope that your daughter may return to the family. And my goodness she will need your support when/if that time comes.
Women in that situation really aren't making their own choices....it just seems that way because the manipulation by the controlling partner is so effective.
I have seen many women reunited with loved ones, though......so hang in there.

Hope you both have a very happy retirement. Best wishes

Smileless very best wishes to you and Mr S.

Smileless all the very best for a long and very happy retirement.
Do all you want to do and make the very best of your opportunity.

Mr and Mrs S......hope you have a long and enjoyable retirement ....running a retail business couldn't have been that easy. Mr S's GGF would be so proud of him.....perhaps you had mixed emotions when you walked through that empty.
Once again, all the best .....I hope you have loads of good times ahead

Thank you NorthernSoul

and to the both of you.
Hope this chapter brings lots of golden moments.

Dolcelatteit really does look as if your D's partner is behind the problems you're having. It's so frustrating when you can see what's going on and they appear to be totally blind.

Mr. S. retired yesterday. It's been an arduous couple of months for him closing down our retail premises. I walked through the shop with him yesterday and it was really strange to see it empty. The first time it's been that way since his GGF opened in 1890.

I'm immensely proud of him, not just for managing the closing down sale but for having put his heart and soul into the business for 48 years and for having provided so well for his wife and family.

So a new chapter begins for us. Not quite the way we'd planned it as we of course thought we'd be spending time with our GC but still plenty to look forward too and enjoy.

This morning we enjoyed a relaxingin the sunshine on our roof terrace. What a great way to begin the day and for Mr. S., his retirement.

Dolcelatte I am so glad you felt able to post on this thread. What a difficult time you are having. It's heartbreaking to feel unwanted by our own children. So sad when all you were doing was trying to look after your daughter. Totally agree, don't lose sight of what you do have. It's so hard to know how much to try without putting pressure on them. They are adults now making their own choices. At the end of the day we can only do so much.

The most heartbreaking thing she said, or that I have ever heard, is that her boyfriend is now her family, that he talks a lot of sense and that she 'sees us all differently now'.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. I really appreciate it. Smileless, you are a truly selfless person and it is a comfort to me to have found this thread.

I also pray that when my daughter has her own child, she will realise how much I love her. Ironically, it was by trying to protect her from her boyfriend - whom I thought and still think to be controlling, that the estrangement happened - she had locked herself in the bathroom and had been sobbing for ages. Her sisters were so worried about her. I asked him to leave nicely but, when he wouldn't, I threatened to call the police and said he wasn't good enough for my daughter. Stupid I know, and I have tried to make things better, but I feel that the poison has been gradually dripped into my daughter's ear and he will never forgive me and wants revenge. But it's not only me she has semi cut off, which I would understand, but everyone else too, including her father who is blameless and her sisters, who were very close to her, as well as her friends.

Anyway, I will stop rambling. I hope all of you will also find joy. Thankfully, my other daughters have been very supportive - yesterday, as I was feeling at a very low ebb, I had an unexpected call from one of them to say that she was coming home for a few days, which lifted my spirits no end.

I do think it is important not to lose sight of what you have and not to lose the joy to be found in each day. It is so easy to let the negatives grind you down and that is not fair on your loved ones who have not deserted you, whether it be on a temporary or permanent basis. And never give up hope!

A warm welcome to you Sleepybythesea. A very difficult situation for you and as you've said, all the more difficult now your D has a child of her own.

The bond you have as a GM will be hugely intensified as you are at the moment raising your GC. You say your D has said she wants her child to remain with you permanently and I'm wondering if either you or her has had any advice or guidance on this.

The longer your GC is living with you, the harder it would be for you and your GC if your D decided in the future that she wanted her child to live with her. I totally understand that due to your D's problems this may be something that neither of you have considered but I firmly believe that it would be in the best interests of you, your D and your GC if you sought some advice.

Dolcellate please don't feel guilty about your mixed emotions on learning about your D's pregnancy. It's a perfectly natural response in the light of your uncertain relationship with her.

When DS told us that his brother's wife was pregnant for the second time, I was totally distraught. I just broke down, wondering how on earth we could cope with 2 GC living just down the road from us, when it was already tearing us apart having one already doing so.

This is why full on estrangement or a strained relationship with an AC is so painful. What should be news to be celebrated, a source of great joy and happiness, becomes something completely opposite.

Having resumed contact with your D, all be it infrequent is of course hopeful and as Luckylegs has said, perhaps when she holds her own child in her arms she'll realise how important the relationship between parents and their children is, and things will improve.

I hope and pray that this will be the case for you.

Crazy my heart goes out to you. To be permanently estranged is painful beyond words but to never know from one day to the next if you'll be in or out must be unbearable.

Dolcelette, I can understand how sad you must feel not being part of your daughter's life at what should be the happiest time. Perhaps when your daughter holds that baby in her arms, the love that comes with that baby, she will realise how you feel about her. Sometimes it can take being a mother yourself to understand your own a lot more. I really hope so.
As for meeting up, it is proving a challenge, if like me you have a 10 mile drive to get to trains etc. It takes a bit of planning. I am not keen on driving far to a place I don't know, that is why I thought a main central town or city
would be better. It is almost easier to have a trip to the coast!
Crazy Horse, your comments are spot on about DD, it must be even harder with sons if their wives just want their families and mil takes a back seat. As I get older I have come to realise you can't really alter anything or anyone,mjust live your lives as happily as possible and maybe one day....

The relationship between Mothers and Daughters are notoriously difficult. I have an "up and down" daughter as well. At the moment, I am top of the pops.....no doubt in the next few weeks, I will fall to the bottom of the charts. I'm not being flippant, but that's how it is.
I suspect it's the partner....he is probably jealous of your relationship with her.
These things happen. As I said be calm and hope she will let you know one of these days. I truly hope so

Thanks Crazy, we used to be very close - she said I was her best friend and role model - but things very strained since she met her partner. She has cut off her sisters, has not been in touch with her closest friends for over a year, and only communicates with us occasionally. Of course I am happy for her and feel ashamed of myself for my mixed feelings. I just don't understand how we got to this position. But it's better than it was. She cut us off entirely for 6 months, just after we had spent what I thought was a very happy couple of days together. She lives a long way away now - she is so far away both physically and emotionally. My mother died before I had my children and I missed her so much. I thought this pregnancy would have healed our relationship, that she would want to be in touch, but no, not so far. But yes, I must be calm.Thank you for your support.

Dolcelatte, that's not selfish at all. You're just trying to save yourself from further hurt. Why has she told others and not you? Are you estranged?
There's not much information on your post, so can't give much advice, except to say, be calm, be happy for your daughter and hopefully, she will let you know when she's ready. Perhaps it's all just a rumour?

Sorry if that sounds selfish.

I have found out that my daughter is expecting a baby, but she has not shared the news with us yet. I wonder if she will share it, I think probably not until after the birth, and I wonder if we will be allowed to see him or her. I was feeling so much better and I know I should be happy for her - and of course I am - but I am not in a good place at the moment. What should be a joyful time is an agony of uncertainty.

SleepybytheSea glad you felt able to post your difficult situation. Mental illness is such a tough thing to observe as well as have. Would it be worth you speaking to your own doctor about the best way forward. They might be able to offer support or suggestions for you. Is she currently on anti-depressants? Could there be post natal depression? Hopefully someone will come in with something more useful for you. I do hope you find an acceptable resolution to this.

Subscribing to this thread. This is (I think) why I searched for an online forum. I feel a bit awkward just jumping in with all details, but to summarise: my daughter has mental health problems and two months ago gave birth to a gorgeous boy. Due to her anxieties and depression, she has asked hubby and I to keep him "permanently" and raise him (she's not with birth dad who knows and shows little/no interest). But as time goes on, she's pulling away more and more. She loves her son, but is revisiting old paranoid ideas that we don't really care or love her, no matter what we do or say. In the past, this has taken a lot of time and energy to work through, but now... now, I have to put that time and energy into raising a baby (as well as my other two boys). She hasn't been diagnosed as bi-polar (because it's up to her to initiate such diagnosis which she won't do), but she presents like this. Her low periods can last for months and this time is hell for all of us. These periods are most definitely enstranged.

It feels weird to write this out. We've lived in this situation for almost ten years, but with the addition of a grandchild - it's become ten times more difficult.

Do you know I checked all this as I typed and it was correct it's if a little gremlin changes words after I push send, do hope you understand the obvious errors.

Lichfield has excellent road, bus and two main lines which is fairly central in the country.
If it's a bad idea, ignore I won't mind.
Smileless, you might welcome the very slight drop in temperature, more bearable, the rain, if it arrives is supposed to be a sudden fierce downpour which will soon pass. Either way enjoy, your little dogs will enjoy their holiday too and steady they are together. Enjoy.
Pecs, I have mixed feelings about how in reality it would work, parents being made to let their children have contact could be detriments, to the child's well being, they would really be caught in the middle, that is why I didn't pursue that route, I don't know if I did the right thing as I let her get away with it. Don't think I will ever know now.