Wedding planning

Like MOnica I had no expectations about being involved or left out of DS’s wedding plans. DDiL’s Mum lived nearby and was involved with lots of things. I was involved to the extent that they told me all down the line what was happening about venue, flowers, dress etc etc. We had a love pre-wedding dinner with in laws, best man etc. We paid for the honeymoon. It was great! I was very involved with planning DD’s wedding, no financial help was offered by her in laws and anything they undertook to organise they made a horlicks of! They are now her ex-PiLs.
Just sit back and enjoy and be very interested in everything they choose to tell you.

I haven't known one single woman in my whole life ( 65)of all age groups who took her mother in law to look at bridal gowns.

yep, sent invites in post to both my parents and H's parents as a keepsake - both mums had asked for one for that reason. We were paying and therefore the hosts of the wedding, so the wedding etiquette sources all tell the couple in those circumstances to formally invite the parents. My mum was sent a save the date for my brothers wedding by his MIL and was grossly offended though. I checked with the parents beforehand to make sure I wouldn't ruffle some very easily ruffled feathers, but I think particularly on the invitations front, couples are following the etiquette guidelines without realising that it will be perceived to be offensive by some parties. My mum and MIL between them absolutely ruined my wedding though so I am probably just snakebitten by the whole affair! Mum also got into it with my brothers MIL over his wedding

It's obviously in the character of your DIL not to include you. I can imagine that if you had been there every suggestion you made would be brushed aside - and I'm staying polite here. May I suggest you to, with the "little" you are "allowed" to do, make an impression? Is there anything they haven' thought of, and that you could do, as a surprise? Sachets with confetti for the guests? If your GC are girls, maybe flowers to put in their hair? That way, you would be seen and appreciated, without them thinking you're pushing yourself on them.

Lived together for ten years and have three children
I think if that was me I would be just paying a quiet visit to the registrar.

Did anyone else get an invitation sent through the post to their own sons wedding,i had never herd of that before.

Neither we nor the in-laws had any idea who was supposed to do what when my DS1 got married, so we made it up as we went along. We sat at a table, the 6 of us, the to-bes and both sets of parents, and made out a plan, agreeing to split the bottom line three ways.

I was surprised and pleased to be asked to go along when they picked out the flowers, but I don't think I said anything except perhaps practical suggestions.

The bride's parents covered the price of the dress, we divided up the shopping and had a couple of evenings together making menus, invitations etc.

It would have been nice to be included Anneishere but as luluaugust said its not traditional. Don't worry about it, wedding planning can be really stressful, you can sit back and just enjoy the day. The small gift idea is a good one,

I agree it would be nice if you were included in some of the arrangements but I think I have said this before traditionally the Bridegrooms mother was only ever required to turn up and welcome the bride to her new family. Keep smiling, dress up and enjoy, I do understand your feelings and frustration but it won't get you anywhere to show it. Love the idea of some money for nails or perhaps a small personal gift to the Bride.

Anneishere - I understand why you feel left out but I don't think there are any set rules about wedding preps these days, as the previous posts already show.

From what I have seen, preparing for such events is always a hassle so you may be better off out of it and as you are working, you probably wouldn't have time to get involved much.

I understand why you feel hurt but try to remember that it's probably not personal against you - it's just the way that particular family like to do things.

I agree with others who say just turn up and enjoy the day.

My mother organized my whole wedding and I hated it so when my children got married i was more than happy to stand back and let them have their day the way they wanted. I think sometimes mums forget it is their day and we should just be there and enjoy feeling proud.

Hi, feeling less than included is a feeling I’ve finished my weekend off with. You’re not alone. And going through this forum, I see a common factor-we have sons rather than daughters. It’s insensitive and hurtful that we end up drawing the short straw sometimes but I’m determined not to let it interfere with my life too much. I’m hoping that as nothing ever stays the same, there is better to come, and I’m going to be grateful for all that I do have, I’ve no answers for you exceptbest to try and let it all drop, focus on having a happy life and look for the good where it does exist.

Starlady - Humbert’s professional opinion was asked for by her own DD who was a bridesmaid as I read it.

So you weren't "completely excluded," Humbertbear. You were asked for your professional opinion on the bridesmaids dresses, in fact, but weren't able to go see them for whatever reason. That's not dil's fault now, is it? I understand you were annoyed that you were only taken to see the venue after it was booked, but a lot of mils don't get a preview at all. Besides, since dil paid for it, why should anyone else, except maybe the groom have a say? You didn't even invite your parents to your wedding! But I'm glad you appreciate that dil makes ds happy and that they're good parents. Good on you for that!

I was completely excluded from any planning when my son got married. My DiL controlled the whole thing ( she paid for it). We just attended the wedding as guests which meant we were quite relaxed about the whole thing. My DD was quite hurt that I couldn’t go to her final fitting for her bridesmaid’s dress as she wanted my professional opinion on the fit of the dress. We were taken to the venue ‘for a viewing’ but it had already been booked, I was relieved not to have spend my weekends viewing flowers and photographers but overall I wish It had been possible to be a little more involved, I hope that one day, and it hasn’t happened yet, my DiL will realise how unkind she can sometimes be and I wish that just occasionally my DS would speak up for us. But the main thing is that she has made my DS very happy and they are a strong couple bringing up three delightful children. It’s not worth falling out over these things.
50 years ago we got married our way - 6 People at the registry office and no parents invited. Now I think we could have been a little more accommodating but we were young and in love and like everyone else, wanted to do it our way.

I had no involvement in planning any of our 3 DDs’ weddings, reasoning that they and their menfolk were perfectly entitled to and capable of planning their ownservice/ceremony and receptions.
My own mother went to town on mine 47 years ago because that’s what you did in those days but I do think those times are past.
All the more so in your case anneishere as you say they have been together for 10: years and have three children.
Don’t start a potential row or relationship breakdown now. They are quite adult enough to do what they want in the way they want.
You may offer to help in any way they choose but please please take several steps back. And do not expect to be involved in any organisational plans, you will only make yourself sad.

My dd and her husband didn't tell anyone they were getting married so I missed out completely. I do fully understand why they did this (recent difficult separations on both sides) but I would have given the world to see my child on her special day. You are going to be up there, on the front pew, to see your ds as he marries so best smile on and enjoy the day.
As for the money, you can't give what you don't have so, stop worrying. Looking after your dgc is giving your time and I bet they are more than grateful for that.
Just one thing, I can remember when I got married my mil gave me a small amount of money and said she would like to pay for me to get my hair done on my wedding day. I've never forgotten that, I thought it was lovely of her. Could you do something similar, it doesn't have to cost much, maybe just enough to get her nails done

When my eldest son married 26 years ago we were not involved in any of the planning at all but did pay for the evening party. Our youngest son married 10 years ago and we were very involved in helping DIL and her mum chose the venue as she wanted to marry up here rather than in London where they were living. We paid half of the reception and I made the invitations and order of service cards, we also hosted a big BBQ before the wedding all of which we were happy to do but we weren't involved in the actual planning of the service, dress etc. I would just go with what you have already offered to do and enjoy the day when it arrives which will no doubt be very special as all weddings are

I think you must go with the flow - anything else causes upset and aggro. Look for the things to enjoy.

My DD always made it clear that marriage and a family were not for her, and I was glad to be spared the hassle of being MoB.

When DS got married, it was a white church wedding because they are church attenders, but otherwise they avoided an expensive and ostentatious wedding. The planning and paying was done by the couple, and her mother helped with the planning as she lived locally,and paid for the dress. We lived 200 miles away and paid for the wine, DS's suit (Harris tweed and the trousers didn't fit!!) and rented a large house so that the groom, best man and other passing friends and family had accommodation.

We were quite content with that. We have, and have always had such happy relations with our DDiL and all her family, it didn't occur to us to even think about whether we were being brought in, left out or any of the other things people seem to get so upset about when their children are marrying.

In the end, imo, it's the bride and groom's day. So I say, let them do it their way and don't stress out. Enjoy the day and the grands!

Well, I only have a dd & sil - no dss or dils. But aren't there "traditional" expenses that the groom's parents generally pay? And don't they have some say over those factors? My dd's pils didn't offer/ contribute anything, but I still encouraged her to include her mil in a few preparations. She used to work for a florist, for one thing, so was able to suggest some good ideas and direct us to good discounts.

I have sons & daughters. My eldest daughter got married 5 years ago. We did try to include SILs parents & we both contributed to the costs. Tbh whilst I enjoyed the day I didn't really enjoy all the preparations & my daughter & I managed to fall out over chair covers eh?
I would say enjoy the day & just offer to help where you can. Don't take things personally, crack on & enjoy the day.

I would love to have been involved in the wedding planning of my 3 DSs but it was not to be, even though we made the biggest financial contribution. We gave it freely and expected nothing in return and that is what we got. We bit our tongues at times with one of the DiL's parents when they started bossing us around. We decided it was their day and we would not say or do anything to let them know we felt left out. We still have excellent relationships with 2 DiLs and the other one is a different story.

DS2's wedding was completely organised by his mother in law and our family were not included at all. DS just went around in a happy haze. I paid for the bridesmaids dresses just to that our youngest got to be bridesmaid.

The marriage lasted less than a year and, although very sad at the time, she (and her mother and grandmother) were horrendous women and we are well shot of them.