Wedding planning

I think that maybe these days, we mothers who have daughters should ask the SILs parents if they want to get involved, as it appears to be a constant problem.
I can honestly say that it didn’t occur to me to invite the MILs to dress shops or to have any involvement with the wedding, TBH the DDs and SILs had very firm ideas about their weddings and I was there with the credit card, rather than to offer my own opinions.
But I have to say that if I had a pound for every poster who says that their DIL is controlling and that they don’t get on with them, I’d have a bucketful of money!

Just enjoy your grandchildren and the wedding and don't stress about what can't be changed.

I was not involved at all with my DS's wedding plans and didn't expect to be.We offered to pay for the evening entertainment which was gratefully received.I did not consider asking my daughter's MiL to be involved in her preparations nor was my MiL involved in my own. Perhaps it is a bit different for you as you don't have daughters but don't let it get to you.Accept things as they are.

My daughter had the most low key wedding ever and they planned it all themselves. My son had an enormous do, but his partner had no parents alive so they planned it all themselves.
Both times I just turned up and enjoyed myself.

I didn't expect to be involved so I didn't suffer any agonies.
It's all to do with expectation really. What you think you ought to have. Try to let it go ?

My daughter was married last year, a truly beautiful wedding. They arranged it all themselves, though I had a million ideas, most of which were rejected!! LOL I learnt to cherish the plans I was included in, and accept the parts where she included the ILs or friends only. Obviously I had a few "I wish..." moments but tried not to be upset by them. I think weddings are such emotional times that it is so easy to become oversensitive. However, I found the nearer to the date we got, the more she needed help and support from both sides of the family - though usually on different parts. And plenty of babysitting was needed too. How about asking your DIL out for a relaxing day to chat all things wedding, a spa day if that is your thing or an afternoon tea. Or maybe host a girl's only lunch, with bridesmaids and her mum. Just a few ideas anyway.

Why not think of something special you could do and ask your DIL if it would help? Be that flowers, or invites, or putting together favours? You may find that would help your relationship as well as being a practical support. If they are off on honeymoon how about looking after the grandchildren during that time. Or having the grandchildren the night before the wedding perhaps? We did both and it was lovely bringing our grandson to the wedding venue that morning to get ready with his mum.

Most of all bite your tongue. I still remember the awful things my MIL said to me during the wedding planning, and that was over 30 years ago. And most of all enjoy!

To be honest, when I see the amount of organisation needed for a wedding these days, I am grateful not to have a daughter. My son's in-laws were happy to organise the wedding for their only daughter and who was I to try to disrupt their enjoyment? It was a charming wedding - nothing too flamboyant or ostentatious. Sadly the marriage, after 17 years, is now over. C'est la vie.

I don't think the planning would appeal to me at all.
I would much rather be left out of all that.

Why not focus on entertaining any of your relatives over the wedding week end.
That’s what we did when not included in the wedding preparations ( despite a large financial contribution).
We hosted an eve of wedding dinner, organised mini busses to and from the venue and had a lovely buffet lunch in the garden, on the Sunday. It was a great chance for family and friends to relax and catch up.

DS2's wedding was completely organised by his mother in law and our family were not included at all. DS just went around in a happy haze. I paid for the bridesmaids dresses just to that our youngest got to be bridesmaid.

The marriage lasted less than a year and, although very sad at the time, she (and her mother and grandmother) were horrendous women and we are well shot of them.

I would love to have been involved in the wedding planning of my 3 DSs but it was not to be, even though we made the biggest financial contribution. We gave it freely and expected nothing in return and that is what we got. We bit our tongues at times with one of the DiL's parents when they started bossing us around. We decided it was their day and we would not say or do anything to let them know we felt left out. We still have excellent relationships with 2 DiLs and the other one is a different story.

I have sons & daughters. My eldest daughter got married 5 years ago. We did try to include SILs parents & we both contributed to the costs. Tbh whilst I enjoyed the day I didn't really enjoy all the preparations & my daughter & I managed to fall out over chair covers eh?
I would say enjoy the day & just offer to help where you can. Don't take things personally, crack on & enjoy the day.

Well, I only have a dd & sil - no dss or dils. But aren't there "traditional" expenses that the groom's parents generally pay? And don't they have some say over those factors? My dd's pils didn't offer/ contribute anything, but I still encouraged her to include her mil in a few preparations. She used to work for a florist, for one thing, so was able to suggest some good ideas and direct us to good discounts.

In the end, imo, it's the bride and groom's day. So I say, let them do it their way and don't stress out. Enjoy the day and the grands!

My DD always made it clear that marriage and a family were not for her, and I was glad to be spared the hassle of being MoB.

When DS got married, it was a white church wedding because they are church attenders, but otherwise they avoided an expensive and ostentatious wedding. The planning and paying was done by the couple, and her mother helped with the planning as she lived locally,and paid for the dress. We lived 200 miles away and paid for the wine, DS's suit (Harris tweed and the trousers didn't fit!!) and rented a large house so that the groom, best man and other passing friends and family had accommodation.

We were quite content with that. We have, and have always had such happy relations with our DDiL and all her family, it didn't occur to us to even think about whether we were being brought in, left out or any of the other things people seem to get so upset about when their children are marrying.

I think you must go with the flow - anything else causes upset and aggro. Look for the things to enjoy.

When my eldest son married 26 years ago we were not involved in any of the planning at all but did pay for the evening party. Our youngest son married 10 years ago and we were very involved in helping DIL and her mum chose the venue as she wanted to marry up here rather than in London where they were living. We paid half of the reception and I made the invitations and order of service cards, we also hosted a big BBQ before the wedding all of which we were happy to do but we weren't involved in the actual planning of the service, dress etc. I would just go with what you have already offered to do and enjoy the day when it arrives which will no doubt be very special as all weddings are

My dd and her husband didn't tell anyone they were getting married so I missed out completely. I do fully understand why they did this (recent difficult separations on both sides) but I would have given the world to see my child on her special day. You are going to be up there, on the front pew, to see your ds as he marries so best smile on and enjoy the day.
As for the money, you can't give what you don't have so, stop worrying. Looking after your dgc is giving your time and I bet they are more than grateful for that.
Just one thing, I can remember when I got married my mil gave me a small amount of money and said she would like to pay for me to get my hair done on my wedding day. I've never forgotten that, I thought it was lovely of her. Could you do something similar, it doesn't have to cost much, maybe just enough to get her nails done

I had no involvement in planning any of our 3 DDs’ weddings, reasoning that they and their menfolk were perfectly entitled to and capable of planning their ownservice/ceremony and receptions.
My own mother went to town on mine 47 years ago because that’s what you did in those days but I do think those times are past.
All the more so in your case anneishere as you say they have been together for 10: years and have three children.
Don’t start a potential row or relationship breakdown now. They are quite adult enough to do what they want in the way they want.
You may offer to help in any way they choose but please please take several steps back. And do not expect to be involved in any organisational plans, you will only make yourself sad.

I was completely excluded from any planning when my son got married. My DiL controlled the whole thing ( she paid for it). We just attended the wedding as guests which meant we were quite relaxed about the whole thing. My DD was quite hurt that I couldn’t go to her final fitting for her bridesmaid’s dress as she wanted my professional opinion on the fit of the dress. We were taken to the venue ‘for a viewing’ but it had already been booked, I was relieved not to have spend my weekends viewing flowers and photographers but overall I wish It had been possible to be a little more involved, I hope that one day, and it hasn’t happened yet, my DiL will realise how unkind she can sometimes be and I wish that just occasionally my DS would speak up for us. But the main thing is that she has made my DS very happy and they are a strong couple bringing up three delightful children. It’s not worth falling out over these things.
50 years ago we got married our way - 6 People at the registry office and no parents invited. Now I think we could have been a little more accommodating but we were young and in love and like everyone else, wanted to do it our way.

So you weren't "completely excluded," Humbertbear. You were asked for your professional opinion on the bridesmaids dresses, in fact, but weren't able to go see them for whatever reason. That's not dil's fault now, is it? I understand you were annoyed that you were only taken to see the venue after it was booked, but a lot of mils don't get a preview at all. Besides, since dil paid for it, why should anyone else, except maybe the groom have a say? You didn't even invite your parents to your wedding! But I'm glad you appreciate that dil makes ds happy and that they're good parents. Good on you for that!

Starlady - Humbert’s professional opinion was asked for by her own DD who was a bridesmaid as I read it.

Hi, feeling less than included is a feeling I’ve finished my weekend off with. You’re not alone. And going through this forum, I see a common factor-we have sons rather than daughters. It’s insensitive and hurtful that we end up drawing the short straw sometimes but I’m determined not to let it interfere with my life too much. I’m hoping that as nothing ever stays the same, there is better to come, and I’m going to be grateful for all that I do have, I’ve no answers for you exceptbest to try and let it all drop, focus on having a happy life and look for the good where it does exist.

My mother organized my whole wedding and I hated it so when my children got married i was more than happy to stand back and let them have their day the way they wanted. I think sometimes mums forget it is their day and we should just be there and enjoy feeling proud.

Anneishere - I understand why you feel left out but I don't think there are any set rules about wedding preps these days, as the previous posts already show.

From what I have seen, preparing for such events is always a hassle so you may be better off out of it and as you are working, you probably wouldn't have time to get involved much.

I understand why you feel hurt but try to remember that it's probably not personal against you - it's just the way that particular family like to do things.

I agree with others who say just turn up and enjoy the day.