Wedding planning

I feel for your "hurt" of not having as much too give. That and feeling left out, can make one feel very badly indeed and I do very much understand how deep that hurt can run.
Know you are doing everything you can financially, which is a lot by your description. You cannot go overboard and be left in debt over this -
Be as strong as you can be, make it known you are "there" if they need help and leave it at that.
Please enjoy the day best as you can given you are single, which is a tough one at weddings and funerals. Keep the little ones near you, and they will be your reward for all things good.

I do think it's natural for brides and their mothers to do a lot of the planning. When my daughter got married I did a lot of the running around because they were living 1,000km away and just coming home for the wedding. So I spent happy times alone, looking at flowers and cakes and sending pictures to my daughter for her consideration. My ex husband and I were paying for everything, so I guess I felt entitled to be in the middle of things, too. His parents just came along on the day . If my son ever gets married I'd expect things to be the same - his bride and her family would be very welcome to do the planning and I'd just come along as a guest. I'd say, just enjoy the day and don't worry about not being part of the planning - it's not worth getting worked up about it.

Shouldn't it be your son to 'invite' you to help?

The bride gets her mom to help, and the groom involves his mother?

You mentioned you could see your gc as much as you want. Don't you think thats very nice of your son and his partner?

gummybears absolutely agree. My daughter always knew that I would never pay for a big wedding. I told her, I will give you the deposit for a house but not all that money for one day.
Susan your story is awful. This is the second conversation I've had today about selfish children who think their parents are a money tree.
My friends son wants her to give them one of her properties as he has got behind with his mortgage!!!
I would elaborate on this story but we all know now that 'some' of the information we share can appear elsewhere.

If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for it yourself.

Susan - your daughter is plenty old enough and experienced in life to already understand your financial situation. You just don't have the kind of money that can be splashed out on an OTT wedding.
Yes, at least she's got the message, they will have to cut back on their expensive treats or decide they don't actually need the bells and whistles!

My daughter has just got engaged to a lovely man and we are experiencing the opposite. They are insisting that they will be paying for everything themselves.
However, they don't have great salaries and DH and I have been putting money away for years for this and will insist on contributing.

My daughter has just got engaged - she will be 30 this year. They have lived together for some time and last year bought there own flat. They are planning the wedding for next year and are looking for a contribution from me. I'm divorced from her father who she isn't in touch with any more, so it's just down to me. I'm retired in my late 60's and only have my state pension and a very small nest egg. Although I remarried some time ago I'm dependent on my husband and we just about get by. Both my daughter and her fiance live in London on substantial salaries - we live in the north. Just had a conversation with her that's left me very upset. She wants to know how much I can contribute and I said the most I could afford would be about £1000. She was obviously expecting more, but even that will be a struggle for us and there will still be the cost for us of our own outfits/present/and travel costs. Am I being over sensitive to wish she was more sympathetic. She has also has an expensive skiing holiday recently and they plan to go to New York for her birthday. She says they will have to spend the next 18 months saving up as she wants a wedding with all the bells and whistles. I just don't understand why am being made to feel guilty.

Anneishere, my advice is let them get on with it and continue to enjoy your grandchildren.
I am posting because I wonder if you are aware that Gransnet threads sometimes appear on Facebook. You could easily be identified by the information you have given, which could cause a huge family bust-up. GNHQ will help if you wish to withdraw it.

That was awful gummybears certainly a day to remember for all the wrong reasons.
Sorry but I did chuckle a bit at the black veil and the pushing.

Elrel - he is taking the little ones up there tomorrow because she checked her diary and she is "short" a visit for the month of February :-/

I am planning to get on with some quilting and hope everyone comes back in a reasonable humour.

I only wish God had seen fit to pair off all the bampot DILs with the bampot MILs, the rest of us could have managed quite well then.

I get on really well with MILs sisters and we are often in touch, they have told me quietly "its not you, its her" so I suppose I have that comfort at least!

Gummy - MiL sounds like a cartoon character or OTT sitcom matriarch. Did H ever escape her clutches?

I am sorry, the above was posted on the wrong thread! Laugh at my misfortunes anyway!

I would normally not share any of the details of my pretty awful wedding, but this one seems apposite.

For context, we paid for it all ourselves. My mother and MIL loathe each other with the heat of a thousand suns and appeared to be in some kind of competition as to who could behave the worst towards us in the run up to the event. MIL via some very heavy emotional blackmail involving a dying grandparent convinced H to change the entire venue and the form of the ceremony at very considerable expense after all was paid for, and the work of essentially reorganising the wedding fell to muggins here. Perhaps that will give an idea of what I mean when I say they behaved badly.

In the run up to the wedding, there was the usual discussion about speeches. The day was fairly formal (H insisted in a massive expensive affair, I had my heart set on something as low key, small and cheap as possible, since the previous wedding we booked several years previously, MIL insisted be cancelled or she would disown H as she "wasnt ready for him to marry"; thousands of pounds of deposits were lost and I was too ashamed to ever go and collect the wedding dress I had bought), and as a result I was told by H there would be the usual speeches.

I asked if I might have a minute of my own to thank some people he had told me he was not prepared to thank (my little flower girls, my aunt and my elderly widowed grandmother) and it was made clear to me that he had spoken to ILs and there would be no departure from the usual list. I accepted this.

On the day, just before my father was to make his expected speech, H introduced my FIL who then went on to make a fairly lengthy and regrettably slightly drunken speech about what a great guy H is and how great MIL is. This would probably have gone down better with the guests if FIL had said literally a word about me or even H's brother, the best man, who like me was not prepared for this turn of events.

The guests did not receive this well. My father was so put off by this happening that when he was finally given the microphone, he was not his usual fluent self which he regretted bitterly.

Friends and extended family stil, occasionally make jokes at my expense about the "speeches hijack" and also about the outfit MIL wore. (A black veil is not traditional attire for the mothers at Catholic weddings. It is also not traditional for the mother of the groom to bodily shove the bride aside off the chapel steps as the couple exit and yell to the guests "I WANT A PHOTO WITH MY SON" either. This I regret to say was not the nadir of the day, although my uncle has a snap of a falling bride and a shoving MIL that will probably show up on a clickbait site some day)

I am certain OP would not engage in behaviour of this type, but I offer this purely as a caution against offering impromptu speeches at weddings when the bride and or groom clearly do not expect one to be given. The guests notice, they laugh, many people are embarrassed.

I get on well with my children and their partners, but had minimal involvement with their weddings. Like most couples today, they already lived together. I think nowadays they like to do things themselves. It was entirely different when girls got married from home. That said, my DH family was not involved in our Wedding and my family were not involved in my Brothers’.

My only involvement with my DDs Wedding was to go an choose the dress. I really enjoyed all the Weddings, we were given lots of praise in the Wedding Speeches and Imexpect this will happen to you too.

I didn't have anything to do with any of my 3 children's weddings....daughter went away to Hawaii, due to me and her father in the middle of divorce....sons' wives parents did all the planning for the wedding ...I had no say in the matter...I gave them some money and that was it....No stress, nothing. Just enjoy the day !!

OP. Just enjoy! It’s not a
Competition. I would honestly just enjoy being part of the ceremony- to hell with who does or pays for what! Missing out on not having a daughter? What exactly? Money Money Money eh? Give me sons any day bahaha

I have a really great relationship with my future dil. I am so excited about the wedding, I've reined myself in at times so as not to be overbearing.

I was invited to join her, her mum and bridesmaid to search for a wedding dress, which she selected almost straightaway. It was a very emotional moment for all of us, and I felt very priviledged to be part of that moment.

If I hadn't been invited, I would not have been offended or hurt as I had no expectations. As with all expectations disappointment follows if those expectations are not met.

We have a number of weddings coming up in my family - one a year for at least the three! - and involvement by the future mil of one of them is opposite to my experience. This mil is considered to be 'snooty' and 'thinks herself above others' so she is only invited to accompany two wedding venue appontments. It is the motb's decision to exclude the mil. How awful and mean.

So, you see, everyone is different and for our part we must take a step back and allow others to do as they wish. As long as we are satisfied to be on hand to assist if asked, that will be enough.

Reading all this, the proverb "Too many cooks spoil the broth" comes to mind,

This is the bride and grooms day. They are the 2 most important people.

And mother's of the groom, have you have to realise your future DIL may feel threatened by you as your son is now her man

We talk about mixed marriages but every marriage is a mixed marriage of 2 people from 2 different family cultures each with their own traditions and ideas.

As for helping choose the brides dress, if you don't like one she does, what are you going to say? Nothing I hope.

Sadly my mother had died before I got married and my in laws lived in another country so my husband and I arranged everything with help of an aunt and sil and dad paid. So maybe I got off lightly.

*Oops! we'd not we're.

I'm sorry that so many GNers, on this thread and others, feel left out of their son's wedding arrangements.
A competition it ain't and I was only too happy to turn up without any hassle or responsibility.
One son arranged my flight and onward transport from the Isle of Man to the pre-booked hotel and I had the best time. I'm lucky in that I love both my DiL and get on famously with them. I don't, however, live in their pockets, nor do I have any expectations regarding being included in this or that celebration/holiday/time with grandchildren etc.
I brought them up to be independent and to make their own choices which I may or may not agree with, however, that is their affair, not mine.
I've not seen the other sets of parents since the weddings and have truthfully never even thought about it. I doubt we're have much in common anyway as one son remarked, 'You're too 'out there' mum, whatever that meant. I've never fitted into some people's perception of whatever age I was at the time. ??

I went with my future DIL to get her dress as her mum lived in another Country, I was thrilled but well aware this probably wouldn't have happened in different circumstances.

Quiz queen I went with dil when she got her dress . We met with her parents to discuss finances they sorted venue as it was near them but we went for a meal before wedding there so we knew layout wedding was very relaxed . Her parents were more involved but I never felt pushed out in fact I was quite happy to let them I just enjoyed the day ?

Annieshere
I only have one thing to add: be careful what you wish for

No rules! Spot on Rambling Rose! I f a couple have lived together for 10 years it seems to me they are grown- up enough to do their own organising. You have made your offer, now just turn up and enjoy yourself. It really isn't worth taking offence when probably none is intended. My husband and I organised our own very simple wedding (although My Mum and sister did come with me when I went to buy the fabric to make my wedding dress). I did the catering myself, and never thought to ask any of either family, who did not live nearby, to help either practically or financially. Everyone said how much they enjoyed the wedding and no-one seemed offended that they were just asked to turn up at the register office on the day. Maybe I was wrong, but perhaps you can be over-sensitive about these things.