sons

Thanks for the kind comments on my earlier post. My son’s Dad joined the RAF at 16, moved out from home and never moved back … his parents moved house without telling him (days before mobile phones and it would have been down to the son to phone the parents, being in RAF digs). He found out because he was riding his motorbike down to their house and saw them driving on the other side of the motorway ….

Since the split with my husband I’d gone away at Christmas, not liking my son to feel he has to be “home” with me (gosh, Italy at Christmas was blooming wonderful)! In 2016 my son asked me not to go away that Christmas as he’d spent the previous 3 Christmas’s with his Dad and Grandma and was bored to sorry sobs … Then his Dad made plans to spend Christmas at his new girlfriends and my boy felt he had to go to Grandma’s on his own … So I booked for a ski resort in Bulgaria for myself with a friend that organises such trips – mad with jealousy my son “abandoned” Grandma to her other son and his family and came with me – we discussed if his finances would reach to a room on his own, but it was decided we’d share a twin room. Again, we gave each other space, we were on holiday so didn’t spend much time in the room – I took a portable DVD player and we’d watch films late at night; there was a spa for me and skiing for him. It made for a very special Christmas for us and we’ve got some lovely memories (and smashing photos)!

Don't believe that 'a son's a son till he takes a wife'. I did and regret it.

I am under no illusion where I stand with my son. We live in the same town, less than 3 miles apart, but I haven’t seen him since Christmas Day. I expected to come second to his wife, especially now they have their own baby, but I honestly don’t think I grace the top 10 when it comes to his priorities. I know the aim is to raise our children to be independent, but it does hurt sometimes. I couldn’t tell you the last time he phoned me. I do try and text him at least every week, but often have to get no reply, wait days for a response or get just a couple of words. He barely gave me a second thought on mother’s day, I received a text very late afternoon. My only real connection to him & my dgs is through my dil. I so wish we had a relationship like some of the above posters, who’s sons seem to really value their mothers.

SpanieNanny....I have NO relationship with my older son or his wife. I am invited to Christenings, Birthdays etc. That's the only time I see the grandchildren. I text them to invite them over or ask if I can go over , I get no reply. They live about 4 miles from me. My other son is ok. He neither phones nor texts, but my dilaw keeps in touch and lets me go over to see the baby and I help out with babysitting. I feel I should talk to my older son and ask why I have been blocked out from their lives. But then feel it will make matters worse. I have friends whose sons ring them daily.
I am so hurt ...it's consuming my life. Last night I could hear myself moaning and crying ...it wakes me up.
This is a cross we have to bear Spanie...you are not alone. If you go on to the 'estrangement' thread you will hear very sad stories. There are a lot of us in this position. Sad but true .
All the best !!

I am envious of those who hear from their boys regularly, and even better see them at least once a month. I'm glad for you, enjoy every minute.

I love my boys, but one is about 3 hours drive away, very busy, with a OH. I hear once every 6 weeks or so. See him about twice a year. His OH seems lovely, I'm glad he's fairly settled and happy.

The other is in Oz, alone now. I worry if he is happy, but I get just very short messages back from him. No pics on fb, no idea what's happening with his life really. He has got quite down on the past, which is why I worry. Friends there say he seems happy, so I just have to hope he's OK.

I accept it, but I do think the young are often rather thoughtless. I was probably like that myself, although I did keep in touch more with my parents than they do.

I did just message Oz boy, no reply so far! I wish I had treasured all those times when they were younger, not knowing how things would turn out.

Thank you for your kind words crazyh. I know I am fortunate in a way, my dil keeps in touch with me and thanks to her I do get to see my dgs regularly. It just hurts so much that my son has no interest or desire to see me.

I love using the abbreviations and acronyms! It saves time when repeating the same words (daughter, mother-in-law, etc.) that get used here so often. But no one "has to" use them, of course. There's a list at the top of the page one can click on if one needs help understanding them.

But, of course, it doesn't include everything. Rowantree, AC (or ac) = adult child or adult children, depending on context.

Rock, I agree with others that most of us raise our kids to be independent - not just dss, but dds, too. Unfortunately, some of that independence includes pulling away from us, which is often uncomfortable for us, but very normal, I think. Maybe it happens a little less with dds, but it does happen with them, too, or it should, imo.

Please be careful about judging a book by its cover. Just b/c some moms may seem closer to their dss than you are doesn't mean there isn't a lot of friction underneath. That gf may put an end to those shows if she becomes the ds' dw (dear wife). Who knows?

Should you "demand more" from your own ds? No, absolutely not! First, you really don't have the right, imo, to try to tell him how to live his life or organize his time. Secondly, it's likely to just cause a huge argument and could end up in your seeing him less. If you really would like to see him and your gc more often, I think you could let him know how you feel in a pleasant way. ("I'd love to see you and the kids more often. Is there any way we can work that out?" But if he says no, you'll have to accept it, imo.

Oh wow, I didn't realize I posted in here earlier! Sorry if I repeated myself somewhat, Rock!

I have one of each I hear from them both on a daily basis ,,my D msgs me throughout the day and my son will phone ,we see my son most days as he'll pop in on his way home from work.he and his dad have the same hobbies and always have things to talk about ...parts for cars they're working on etc.My daughter is 45 miles away so we only see her weekly at most ,she has health issues that keep her confined to bed and though I do her waashing and change her beds etc its her dad she's happiest to see and chat to while I get on with the chores..again they have common work and hobbies.I dont think we've tried to hold onto either of them..they just like our company and enjoy being with us .I spend a lot of time with the 4 GC too ...I've always thought this is how families work ..it does for us

paddyann glad for you. Unfortunately not everyone sees it like that, particularly if joining someone else's family! And unfortunately some people, through no fault of their own, end up in somewhat different family dynamics!

So sorry about your health probs Rock&Roll I know all about aneurysm as my dad suffered with this. Also sorry your Son isn't more attentive to you, does he know about your health condition? I haven't seen or heard from my Son in 5yrs now we were close.

Nonnie so very sorry to hear about your dear Son

Only just read the first few posts.....

Sorry you lost your Son Sheilasue

Reading about the love between mother & Son from the posts above, sounds just lovely to me. My son and I had love for each other once [I still do], never went out together on our own though, normal family gatherings, dinners etc. He went off to Uni when he was 18yrs, first couple of years he was back 50% of the time, with girlfriends staying, off out to meet up with his local mates. He was a loving family boy back then

I have 2 adult sons in their 40's and do not see them that often now as their lives get even busier, as they juggle work, children's demands, wife's needs, other friends, hobbies etc.

Both have 2 children [my 4 grandchildren] and when they were younger I would see them far more, as I would pick them up from nursery, babysit, see them in the daytime as they were more often at home etc. But as the grandchildren go to school, have after school clubs, play dates, parties, sports at the weekends I see them much less. It seems to be the natural progression of things.

I have found it hard as I am on my own, live alone but have adjusted, I see it's natural and healthy for birds to fly the nest and build their own lives. I'm so proud that they put their wives and family first. I see them in person about one a month-6 weeks, in between times we contact now and then via text, e mail, or phone call. Both sons always make a point of seeing me on birthdays, mothers day, Christmas.

They also know that I need my own space and like my own company, that I have a close friend who I see at weekends and have lots of interests. I'm out and about a fair bit.

I do know though that they see a lot of the wife's families, and do a lot with them for longer periods of time...as do my grandchildren and it does hurt. I love my sons and grandchildren so much but feel I miss out somewhat. I value the times I do see them though very much and say nothing as it wouldn't help, nothing would change and it would make things worse. I feel lucky they are both relatively close by.

I know they care about me, I get lovely hugs from them when I see them. I can contact them anytime, they make that clear. We all know there is an unbroken thread between us, there is no need for words. If I've ever been in trouble they have been there like a shot.

I only have a dd, not a ds, so maybe I shouldn't talk. But I don't think the fact that someone else' ds calls more often than yours (general you) means anything if you still see ds and any gc. It could be that he just isn't into talking on the phone, etc. My df (dear father) was like that. Just didn't like to use the phone unless he had to leave or receive an important message. Some people are like that, especially if they have to talk a lot at work.

CrazyH, do you and your dss have facebook or other social media accounts? Have you tried private messaging either of them there?

I am a mother of one grown up son. We have had hard times and great times. We have been close and drifted apart at times and think at times I may have been through all of the modes that the original post has stated.
In his teens leaving school he was starting his adult life and couldn't be more proud. That changed when I realised he was a babe magnet and our relationship soured a bit.
But I always was there to dry his tears when he got dumped the odd time.
And after a serious girl had split with him he did lose some sparkle but I was being selfish as he was back with me. I was going through a bad time myself and him being near me gave me strength. And I suppose I was a type of over bearing loving mum.
I introduced him to some females I knew who would I thought be a good match but also would know who he was with. Looking back not the best move I made. At 23 he started seeing a woman in her 50s. I was mortified shocked upset. My boy was being taken from me by a woman in my generation. But I saw how confident he was and how his attitude changed for the better in ways. And even after my initial shock he was always at my side in hard times. The woman I never met only spoke on the phone few times and saw her from a distance. It was my own selfishness from not being able to accept the situation. It felt like I was the jealous one which I was.
They lasted 4 years. He was stronger after they split and I was glad in a way he could now have someone his age.
He is now in his 40s been married once but she died sadly. That nearly destroyed him. He moved back in with me after that and he seemed to be the boy again.
During the years I got critisised applauded congratulated sneared at with how our relationship was. You have such a close tactile relationship to you should let him go. And wish my son was like that.
So looking back I hope I did OK. I know at times I was overbearing jealous distant but I look at him now and think what a man

LondonMzFitzLondonMzFitz. What a great holiday you had.me and mine have had some holidays and short breaks over the years. He paid for a cheap cruise for me and a friend for my 60th. My friend couldn't go in the end due to his health so my son came instead. We had great time and had our own time to do own things though I did miss my friend who should have been there but I had next best thing

I don’t think it is anything to do with gender. Surely it is personality and character.
Our 3 DDs and Sons in Law lead busy and independent lives with their families and we have plenty to keep us busy as do the families of the male members. However , we all make time for each other on a regular basis.
I realise from reading on this forum that so many are not so lucky and I thank my lucky stars that we are.

I agree Ginny. Suppose the dynamics of family life and its situations. I have been lucky myself. Had a DIL for a couple of years who was lovely and if I had a daughter I guess that relationship would have been different to how mine is with my son. My dil was my surrogate daughter

My 28 year old son bought a house with his GF last year. We see him may be once a week? But not always. GF Family live some distance so they sometimes go away to visit them for the weekend. We remain close and speak on Messenger at least everyother day on a general family chat, and phone if we want to talk about anything. I'd like to see him a bit more, but I am reasonably happy with the way things are as long as communication still happens. Daughters are a different thing! See or speak to them daily!

My son and his girlfriend have moved just over an hour away to a busy city so I don't see them as regularly as I used to.

My daughter and I are thankful that his girlfriend who he has been with for approximately 8 years is lovely. I've gained another daughter!

I only speak to my son when I see him in person, very rarely on the phone. I chat to his girlfriend most days via Facebook messenger!

Reading many posts here I think I am very lucky
We have great relationship and seems on even keel. More a friend at times but we have had bad times. He lives 15 mins walk away but times I don't see him for weeks other times most days

It seems at least one poster has lost her son, since she refers to a coroner. How very sad. I guess we have to keep the lines of communication open and avoid the game playing any martyr stuff. Maybe just be upfront and say 'I feel a bit low, do you fancy meeting up' it allows the other person to be authentic.

Hard to comment as I have DDs only. However I am amazed at some friend's who are mothers of sons. They (generally) spend more time faffing & worrying about them than I ever do about my DDs..even though DD2 is in a tricky place relationship wise.
Is it because, as women, we expect our DDs to cope with life as we have done so worry less. DSs are more of an unknown quantity and we assume less resourceful than females..so we worry/ hover more?? This is total speculation and generalisation..but just wondering?

Never had a problem letting go when my two started their careers.
TBH my husband and I looked forward to spending time doing what we wanted.
Now No 1 son lives 5,000 miles west and No 2 son 5,000 east so it is just as well I'm not the clingy type.