sons

As with all things I don't think you can generalise. My parents brought us up and then set us free. I was always in regularly contact even though we lived 200 miles apart. A weekly phone call and maybe a letter was the norm. In turn brought our kids - one of each - to be independent and expected them to leave home at 18 and they did but always kept in regular contact - much easier now with the advent of mobile phones and social media. S actually got married last year on his 40th birthday to a fabulous woman who has already added so much to our family life. She has told him that even if they ever separated she would be keeping the family!

We moved closer to our D &S2, (technically SIL but we see him as a son) when they had children and we had retired. It was there suggestion and it made sense as we wanted to be involved with the grandchildren, offering support when requested but made it very clear that they had no obligations to us. Anyway we see her regularly because of the GC. Recently Son and D2 (see above) have chosen to move to the same town. Don't see them so often as both busy working. GC love having a much loved uncle and auntie close by.

We have never expected anything from 'the kids' apart from occasionally letting us know that they are ok so we are delighted that they choose to spend time with us. We are very aware just how fortunate we are. My mom told me that if we gave them wings and let them fly then they would choose to come back to us. Yet again she was right, as she was in so many things. We note our D &S2 raising their kids in the same fashion.

Although the family lives close we all have our own fulfilling lives and maybe that helps. Anyway, just my experience for what it's worth.

From the day they were born I greeted every single sign of independence in my children with delight. You keep your children by teaching them to fly.

I had the wonderful example of my DMiL. DH was a much loved only son, but if, at 16, he had announced he was off to Australia. His mother would have packed his bag and seen him off with a bright smile - and wept after he had gone. The result was she had a loving independent son, who never neglected her.

I hope I have done the same. DS and family live 200 miles away, but we hear from him one way or another almost daily; Facebook, Facebook Messenger, email, phone. In the last few days we have received photos of DGD going to school dressed up for book day, photos of the snow and DGC playing in it. Phone calls to see how we are coping in the snow and news of the secondary school DGD will be going to next year. The distance and his job means we see them school holidays and half term, we go north for half term, they come south in the holidays.

DD is single, does not have children and lives 70 miles awat. She lives alone and works from home. She rings frequently as well as emailing.

Is there a gender difference? I do not know. With one child married with children, and the other not, comparisons are impossible.

Please can you tell me what DS and DC and AC stand for......have managed to work out dil! Thank you in anticipation.

Some mothers will always be like that with their sons. They can’t really let go. I envy the fact they have sons mine died 10 years ago he was 35 and my youngest child I doted on both my children I have a daughter.Have a friend who has two daughters and had a son he is now 8 she said he’s a mummy’s boy and I reminded her what I said when she was carrying him, that she would have a close bond with him boys are not as independent as girls when young.
But saying that I have the most amazing daughter and gd

I have sons and daughters and I tried to raise them to be independent. They had each left home before they were 20 to make their own careers.. We were obligated to our very demanding parents which did spoil our life somewhat. I never wanted my children to feel like that about us.

There is no difference to the relationship on gender. There is a mutual love and respect. We have helped them out with childcare, money and advice when it has been asked. We are now at the age where they help us more than we help them, but we would not take advantage.

Now they are in their 40s there are a lot less visits, phone calls, texts and family holidays. Their careers , their own leisure activities and the children’s sports take up a vast amount of time. I agree that this is how it should be.

Closeness does not have to manifest itself in spending time together. I think it goes deeper than that.

I have two daughters and a son and I think the sun shines out of all their behinds! But they all live abroad, a daughter with my grandchildren. It is total agony sometimes, and saying goodbye never gets easier. However, I am fiercely proud of them all and the lives they have made. We are extremely close and text most days and Skype at least weekly. Our job is to create independent, responsible adults, and we can't do that if we hang on to them. Let them go, and they will bounce back! Doesn't mean that as I write this I can keep in the tears mind you! It comes with the job!

I also have 2 sons - the eldest left home at 18 to live with his girlfriend. married and had our two granddaughters some years later. They moved 2 hours away 10 years ago and although would be here like a shot if we were in need we don't speak that often. He has a very demanding job and is away from home quite often. We did go to see them on Sunday and went out for lunch - our eldest granddaughter is now living with her boyfriend even further away so it's nice to get together when we can. My DIL is estranged from her own mum and we've known her 30 years so she's like a daughter to us.

Our youngest son left home at 16 and moved to London at 19 finally emigrating nearly 5 years ago to NZ. He and I were very close when he was younger and I was sad that we inevitably drifted further apart as he got on with his life but he is now settled with two small sons of his own and also so busy with his work contact is fairly sparse.

Both in their 40's we are just pleased that they're settled but do feel that we have now turned into the parents we once looked out for ourselves - not really needed any more and perhaps more of a worry than we would like to be to them. Such is the way of life

My son, living in the USA, is married to a lovely girl from South Korea. Her parents (still in South Korea) often tell her off because they think it is her duty to call us regularly and look after our welfare. Son thinks it's hilarious!

Yes i think having a Dil that is close makes all the difference. But we dont choose their wives and if they make them happy that is the most important thing. Life can throw some unexpected problems, some people are spared, lucky them.

I have both sons and daughters and if I'm honest I don't really see much different in the way they relate to me because of their gender, but they do all have very different personalities. My sons are both independent and the eldest one is married to a girl he's been with since they were seven years old and she's like a daughter to me. I see them now and again, they occasionally pop in as they live just a half hour's drive away, we have a holiday together at least once a year and they're around for all family occasions - of which there are many. In the meantime we have a family Whatsapp group that we're all fairly active on, but I rarely get a phone call from him - although I would say that we have a very close relationship.

His younger brother lives an hour away, also holidays with us once a year and joins in family occasions, but he FaceTimes me or calls me at least once a week. He has a baby son that he co-parents with the mother and he has just begun to have the little one for overnight stays. He often brings baby to visit (most weekends in fact) and this weekend they are staying over if the snow allows! He asks (and frequently takes) my advice and we occasionally go out for a meal or a coffee together. His baby's mother is always made welcome when she visits and our son appreciates the efforts we make to include her in family events even though they are not together. When he does eventually find a partner I expect to take much more of a back seat so that she can take 'pole position' - as is only right and proper I think.

thanks CrazyH..

Two sons here. Yes I get jealous that they spend more time with their in laws. Yes I feel sidelined,somtimes I feel really resentful that I’m not given the same amount of attention as I feel is my due. I’m only human so I feel these emotions are completely normal. What in my opinion is not normal is if I acted on any of these feelings. When I once complained to my husband about my feelings he told me in no uncertain terms “well you wanted them to grow up to be able to stand on their own two feet, you wanted them to be good, moral independent men and you succeeded” I think I once told you on another thread that when I was at a close family members funeral as one of my sons was leaving and I was giving him a hug he whispered in my ear “ I know I put my own family before you, I know I put my job before you but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you because I do, very much” I hold on to that. I hope I never become an overbearing demanding mother, I admit I sometimes want to be that kind of mother because I love them both so very much.

I can empathise with RocknRoll .... all my AC live within 7 mins drive from me...one daughter and 2 sons. They have their own lives. I see 2 of them and their families maybe once a week/fortnight ...the other I see occasionally, because son works away and d.i.l. is very distant from me emotionally. I have now accepted it. As someone has said here, I don't even phone them ...if there's anything to be said, we text. Sweet photos and videos of grandkids are posted regularly on our family whatsapp group.
I can also empathise with RocknRoll regarding other mothers. I have a close friend who is basically obsessed with one of her sons and viceversa, to the point where ......yesterday, he had to go to the hospital for an emergency scan....instead of asking his partner to go with him, he phoned his mother, and asked her to accompany him..she went. He is constantly complaining about his partner to her and she told me she is hoping his partner will find someone else and leave him.
Maybe I'm just jealous.

I suppose more to the point at present, I have been diagnosed with a terrifying life threatening condition which it seems is genetic (ascending aortic aneurysm measuring 4.9cms). So although I appreciate how busy my son’s life is.. I am sad that he never rings me to have a serious talk about it. The burden of which my daughter takes on, sometimes very grumpily, as I live alone and some serious decisions have to be made. But that is perhaps too specific. He will send me sweet little videos of the kids and visit 2 or 3 times a year.

Since the age of eleven, DS has only ever lived a home for relatively short periods so independence is second nature to him. He now lives some distance from us, with a family and home of his own but he likes to keep in regular contact and does relish the chance to come ‘home’ occasionally. I hope we don’t stifle either of our children, but I also hope they know that should things take a downward turn for either of them, they know where their first port of call will be.

Hi everyone, interesting responses on the whole agreeing with my feelings.
I meant that while sometimes I felt sidelined on the whole I think it is right that I am and was just opening that up for discussion. There is no point me demanding as the old saw has it ‘when love becomes a demand, hatred becomes a pleasure. ‘
But it’s not easy being so bloody noble. I also remember a quote from Helen Deutsch the famous Freudian psychologist when I was at university; she called it the tragic destiny of motherhood and suggested the only way round it emotionally was to have at least ten children so that the losses were diluted...or something like that!
Btw I do have a daughter thank goodness. She often goads me on the lack of her brother’s attention to me and thinks he is outrageously accommodated ... but they are separate issues!

What about fathers who adore their first born and give the wife grief.

The mum was accommodating, just

I thought it was our job to teach our children to be independent. I know a girl whose mother claims to be her best friend and I don't think that is an ideal relationship, shouldn't her husband be her best friend?

I don't even phone my DSs, they have very busy lives and I leave it to them to call me when they are not so busy, they do. Sometimes I email or text and they reply.

At DS's inquest the Coroner was surprised we had been worried because we hadn't heard from DS for a week, she said that was normal for her son and she wouldn't have worried if he hadn't responded to her for that time.

Silverlining, the OP says that her son leaves me somewhat out of things because he is very busy with job and wife and children, and talks of being somewhat sidelined. So I don’t think she’s saying that she isn’t part of his world already.

It would be helpful to know how often you see him, OP, or how often you’re in touch, if you’re wanting advice as to whether you should ask more from him. I think you should completely forget demanding more, btw!

I have 3 sons, all of whom left home to go to university and never came back. They all live at least 2 hours drive away, double that in one case. As none are married, it is not that which kept them away, rather the fact that they have all made lives of their own. We don’t see each other much, but it is easier to keep in touch these days, and I know if I needed them they would be here as soon as they could.

I do feel that sometimes sons who stay very close to their mothers don't really grow up. Those that have wives, families and good jobs often distance themselves more from their mothers automatically as they are so busy.
I had two DS at home until last year and when they left an old friend said "Have they grown up now?"

I don’t think the poster wants to be the centre of her sons world, just to be part of it and it’s not just sons who drift away.
As a parent it’s hard to switch off when our children are grown and it’s painful to feel sidelined after years of love and care.

Well, your post shows that we can’t generalise, Rocknroll5me! I have always expected that my DC would put their partners and children first once they found them, and they do of course, but we’re there like a shot for one another if we’re needed and we have fun when we meet up (which is often, I’m very lucky). It’d be a bit odd if we were the centre of our DC’s worlds. I think we’d have failed as parents if that was the case.

There is an old saying: A son is a son till he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter for all of her life.
Nowadays, even daughters want lives of their own when they reach adulthood. Both my children have been free to live their own lives for a long time now. I don't always agree with the decisions they have made, but that is the way it is.
My daughter took off for Uni age 18, found a husband, now has 2 children herself & is coming up to her silver wedding.
My son needed a slight push to leave home in his mid twenties, but has managed pretty well since.
And I have a life of my own which suits me fine :-)

We have two adults DSs, both happily married with their own families. They live about 100 miles away so we can't be involved in their day to day lives. We miss them but have had to accept that they have their own lives now.

The road to acceptance has been bumpy at times, but thankfully is now settled to seeing them around five or six times a year, sometimes with family sometimes on their own.

From other threads on here it seems that generally (though not always) daughters stay closer.

We're just pleased the DSs are happy and settled, whilst we have learned to make our own lives. Long may it continue.