My son in law has walked out

Hopefully his new 'girl' is as childish as he is: it sounds it, posting it on Facebook. I feel furious on behalf of your daughter and children.

Keep your daughter close and let her get over this in her own time I feel so sorry for her but she will come out the other side in time,this happened to my DD six yrs ago and she nearly lost her home as he had stopped paying the mortgage without her knowledge but she got over it and has come out the stronger person.
Posting his love life on Facebook is something I would expect from my 14/15yr old grandchildren not a grown man the world has gone Facebook mad.

You sound like a really nice caring mother and I am so glad that your daughter has turned to you for support. Please don't criticise her husband especially in front of the children as she will feel forced to defend him. Don't take over the children unless she asks as otherwise she will think she is failing as a mother as well as a wife. I speak from experience as my mother was awful when my husband left me.

Its more of a humiliation to him and his new girlfriend, although that's little consolation to your daughter.
Incredibly insensitive of him.

She didn’t look on his social media page deliberately- a colleague found it and showed her. How humiliating is that?!

We know what you are going through. Our DIL walked out with children. That was 2 years ago, we think she has a mental problem. She yells, at stupid things and her Parents are no help, when she needs the help.

CAB can help guide her with the minefield of splitting assets and his future contributions.
A divorce need not be costly and, as he was the one to leave, she has the grounds to start proceedings.
It's only costly when there are massive assets and trusts involved, which won't be the case in this instance.

Why did the daughter look on his social media pages? Surely that's the last thing you'd want to do if your husband walked out.
If you want to twist the knife that he stuck in your back...then looking at what he's up to on social media is the way to go.
It's a rotten thing to have happened but I would have feigned disinterest no matter how I really felt.
Anyway, the OP needs to do now what every mother would do and that is to be as helpful as she can without taking sides.
I think that's the general consensus among GNers.

Bad enough to leave them, let alone boast about it on FB! What a sh.. But don't say any of that! This happened to a friend of mine. They were all decimated, but a few years on and things have sorted themselves out. The GC have come to accept it and still see their dad on a regular basis - I think that is important if you can all get it to work. Stay strong.

The same think happened to one of my daughters, they had no children at the time. I would also advise that you don't criticise her husband either to her. If he has left quite recently they may well get back together, as did my daughter and her husband. If you have bad mouthed him to her she may be reluctant to confide in you if their relationship looks like getting back on track. (just despise him in secret).

Cliches are cliches because they resonate with so many situations we have all experienced...
nothing wrong with using a cliche... or just a hug... or shared anger / tears...

How you protect grandchildren at such a vulnerable age (another cliche... sorry) is perhaps best with hugs again... and consciously not slagging off their dad... they will do that enough themselves...
Perhaps you could lighten such emotional moments by looking at them and saying... well you would say that wouldn't you.. with a smile...

so sad for you all ...

we got through and eventually laughed about a charming walter mitty character who married our child whilst having another marriage in the USA... that was tricky too..

It sounds like your daughter is actually the lucky one as she is rid of a bloke who turned out to be not very nice. His new partner has also shown her true colours too by getting involved with a married family man so it sounds like they deserve each. It probably won't last long either once she gets pregnant as he may become a serial bolter..

I hope she will be able to see this in time. How he behaves towards his children and their joint finances will set up their relationship with from now on. No one has to look at facebook so why use something which you all find upsetting.

Nannyto3, how terribly sad for your daughter and how worried for her you must be. I agree that the best way forward is to say little about what a sh*t he's been and concentrate on encouraging your daughter to put her personal feelings to one side when it comes to the relationship between father and children. It will be really difficult for her to be magnanimous but their needs are so important and, if he turns out to be a cr*p father as well as a husband, it will make the children far more likely to turn to her for support if she bites her tongue at this stage.
One of my friends went on a 6 week course about divorce when her marriage broke up. She found it helpful to find out about the legal side of things, to talk to others in the same position in a safe environment and to just have general support from people without a loyalty to one side or the other.

Would only add to the above seek legal advice about maintainance ,their home etc . Hope she has her own bank account .

All you can do is be there for her and the grandchildren both emotionally and practically.

I am so sorry its dreadful to see your DD having to cope with this betrayal. All good advice here I am glad you are able to be with her for a while.

You are doing exactly the right things, listening and being there, which is what my parents did for me.
Try not to venture opinions, (yet) and advise her not to rush into any decision, however he behaves.
A horrible time.

So sorry, poor you, poor daughter and poor grandchildren.

You already have been given so much good advice, but I would like to ask, are the other grandparents involved? It seems a pity if the children lose contact with them because of their father's bad behaviour.

IMO your daughter is better of without her adulterous husband, but you had better not say that to her right now.

Not sure i have much to add, but do encourage her to cut the social media links. And ring her very often, starting the conversation with 'Have you got a minute to talk?' If the kids are around it may be inconvenient, if she doesn't want to talk, she has a get-out.
Good luck

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. How cruel Facebook is. How cruel people are. She needs lots of love and to be listened too.

Heartbreaking for you, as parents we try to heal our kids pain but in situations like this, we just can’t ... so we feel inadequate. Just be a physical and mental presence for them all, it’s his loss, not your daughters and she is worth so much more ?

Be supportive but please discourage her from saying anything derogatory about him in front of the children. Make sure that she realises that she is worth more, her confidence will be destroyed. Make sure that she doesn't stay at home alone too much. There's a whole world out there to explore with her kids.

Sorry to hear your sad news. However you say you don’t know what to say to her, in my experience I would just let your DD lead the conversation let her do all the talking and just listen. She will be confused and wondering if she did anything wrong these are natural thoughts so just let her question and delve into the what if’s as they will come up. I just said I’m here for you and we will get through this.

Mediation is cheap and people friendly, it tries to take the worst sting out of it all. It is fairly quick to get an appt for too.

The other woman hasn't bagged herself any prize has she?

Your daughter's position is pretty secure if there are children under 18, hopefully this will give her time to find someone better for her, or even find more of herself.

Remind your daughter that this is nothing to do with her, but all about a man inadequate in himself who thinks the grass is greener somewhere else.

I would never make assumptions about your financial position, but I would only note that legal fees to arrange separations, initial residence and contact arrangements, and to work through the eventual final financial settlement, are not particularly cheap. Family law firms have started in recent years to ask for a chunk of this money upfront, as divorce proceedings can drag on for years from the initial separation and cuts to legal aid means firms are working hand to mouth. It is important for her to find out soon if she qualifies for legal aid and if not, to start to try gathering some money together to even do the initial arrangements for residence and contact for the children. If anyone close to her is able to contribute even a little to her legal costs, I am sure that will take some of the weight off her mind once the initial shock and grief begins to pass.