How can I support my dad

It doesn’t sound as though there is much you can do, you have offered to go with your Father to visit your GM, everthing you have offered to do, he has refused, but he knows that you care about him.
Going with him to the funeral will be of comfort to him , I’m sure.
Maybe afterwards he will be able to open up and tell you what really has been happening in his family.
TBH it all sounds as though Your GM started to play off brothers and sisters against each other, who knows why?
But I’m afraid that you may never get the answers to any of your questions.

I agree with oopsadaisey there isn’t much you can do if you’ve sat down with a cup of coffee and asked your dad outright and he won’t or can’t give you an answer there’s nothing else left It seems sad that she can’t get to see your children The whole family apart from Dad sound pretty disfunctional I suppose they have learned it from disfunctional gran do you believe your uncle has stolen the large amount of money missing?
I suppose all her nastiness and dividing of the family have come home to roost poor old girl I wonder what he4 childhood young life was like
Not nice of your mum to take delight in another’s illness and expected demise how ever much she doesn’t like her

The only positive suggestion I can make gummybears is that you have a word with your mother and ask her to stop being so unfeeling towards your father. Explain the distress he will be feeling at the imminent loss of his mother.
I think the best way you can support your father is simply by providing a listening ear, which you have been doing.
It’s a distressing time even in the best circumstances.

Thanks ladies. It's a relief to me that you don't think I have overlooked anything obvious I could do.

Dad and I are very close and he confides in me, so I am sure in due course if he wants to talk to me about it, he will.

Mum is not very nice to us as a rule, but we will leave that there. She is our responsibility and we care for her as best we can.

Bluebelle, I am absolutely certain he has stolen it. All granny is able to confirm is that he transferred it out of the joint account he has with her into his personal account and I fully expect it has been moved around more since then. He was the only one who knew she had this money, and he knew she had not declared it for housing benefit purposes. Essentially she has committed a very significant benefit fraud and the children will not involve the police over the money as she is likely to be prosecuted. I have said to dad he might want to rethink this issue after she passes as clearly uncle was aware this fraud was being committed.

gummybear It is highly improbable that the police will prosecute an exceedingly elderly and seriously ill woman. For the simple reason that she is too ill to stand trial. It is a waste of their time. They are far more likely to prosecute the uncle who has enabled this to happen.

The worst that will happen is that whoever manages her affairs will get a bill for the money she has to pay back and if necessary the Inland Revenue will ask your uncle to account for all her money, including requiring to see bank statements. If he does not co-operate he could be in trouble. He could, in extreme circumstances be made bankrupt.

I also think it is unlikely that the relevant authorities do not know about this money as every bank, building society and savings institute in the country has to send the Inland Revenue a complete list of every single account holder and how much money is in their account and these returns are run against the benefit database and they very quickly pick up those who by accident or design have not declared all their savings. I have worked as a benefit advisor and helped people caught by the revenue sort out their affairs.

As I said, I think all this talk about your grandmother being prosecuted is highly unlikely. Your uncle seems to be trying to get away with the money by scaring you all off. Ignore him and if you feel strongly enough talk, first to the CAB (Citizens' Advice Bureau) or your local Age UK, who have advisors and /or then go to the police

Is it possible uncle was trying to help gran hold onto the money and not let it go for housing benefits? Obviously, that still means he's involved in fraud, but it may have been done out of some sort of misplaced loyalty to gran. You tell us he was once her "favourite," so I imagine they were very close. He might have been doing what he felt she wanted him to do. In fact, it sounds like she agreed to it since she can confirm that he transferred it into his personal account.

I think uncle duped her where the residential home was concerned. But he wouldn't be the first DS or DD who did this when they felt their parent really couldn't take care of themselves anymore and wasn't facing it. Could that be what happened? Since you haven't actually seen gran for 15 years, maybe you don't really know. Sorry to say, subsequent events suggest he was right that she really couldn't live at home anymore.

But if she okayed the money transfer, then it wasn't really "stealing," surely? Done for fraudulent purposes, yes, as far as the residential home is concerned, but not stealing from gran. Clearly, uncle thought she would be in the home permanently and didn't expect her to need the money for anything else (not saying that excuses him). Sounds like she changed her mind after he left her in the home, but that doesn't alter the fact that she initially okayed it, does it?

So no, I wouldn't go to the police, etc. That would only cause more family drama, which I doubt you or your dad want. Let the Inland Revenue deal with him if they will.

As for being a support to your dad, I agree with others that you've done all you can. And that continuing to listen and attending the funeral when the time comes are the best you can do now. Not saying you should be there for her, but it's a good way to support your dad.

Adding... Imo, it's great that you and your dad have a close relationship. But I think it's sad he has to confide in his dd instead of his wife - your mum. Have they ever tried going to Relate or anything like that? If not, perhaps it isn't too late?

Your priority, quite rightly is your Father who has shared his problems and worries. The rest of the family will have to live with their own consciences, including your own Mother. However manipulative and poisonous your grandmother has been, your Mother should not be rejoicing in her imminent death.

Jus to confirm, I absolutely would do nothing about the money situation at all. That is entirely for my father to deal with. There is bad feeling because aunt1 knows gran's will requires her estate to be split four ways on her death and both the aunts think uncle is hiding the money so that it will not end up split on her death. This is in no way my business and I will keep as far as humanly possible from the fallout after gran's death.

As for mum, she has borderline personality disorder, severe anxiety, and periodic episodes of psychotic illness. She is also violent. This has been the case since before my birth. She has never accepted any form of medication, therapy or other help with her problems and has not led what would you would consider a normal life for decades. We have a very difficult time with her but as I say, she is our responsibility. Father and I do the best we can to care for her and meet her needs.