Division of labour

Paddyann that's the constructive way to divide labour - you are each doing the jobs you feel most comfortable with and you are both satisfied with the division of labour. In the OP's case it seems they don't have an agreement and in that case they should be encouraged to look again at how they define their roles in case they can come up with something that fits them better. If I left the DIY and gardening to my husband the place would look like cos his talents and interests just don't lie in that direction :D

"place would look like (asterisked word)" I used asterisks as a censor and they actually removed the asterisks - that's hilarious!

Do you live and let live if there is no food in the fridge, if you are out of socks/pants/tea bags/or if there is no meal one day? “Paying for everything” sounds a bit old fashioned. Does your wife not have a pension? Did she not enable you to go out to work by being responsible for the children so that you could ultimately have a pension?
We are talking division of labour and the fact that things don’t “do” themselves.
Better to be upfront than let a simmering resentment are over what should be a happy retirement.

May I tell you a funny story I heard recently. A friend joined a gym just to get away from her retired husband. He was driving her nuts. One day she saw a tour bus parked outside so she asked the driver if he had any spare seats. He had, so she boarded the coach and went on an all day tour of the Glens of Antrim. She got back at 8pm and saw a lot of cars outside her house. Her husband had reported her missing! She didn't have a mobile phone with her, so I don't blame him. The lesson here is, sort things out with your retired husband or you might do something out of character.

Many thanks for all these useful ideas.
Over the years I have always dealt with the laundry, though I do not iron his shirts. I am happy to continue with this.
When I worked I had a cleaner in term time.
He has always done the garden. I do not have green fingers nor any real interest, but occasionally I will help with some clearing up jobs. But he has done no gardening since October.
He is real good at some DIY jobs, so no way am I going to learn new skills in that direction, that would really upset the apple cart, as he can do small electrical jobs, mend most things, sort out computer issues.
He prepares his own breakfast and lunch every day. He makes my lunch on Saturday and will cook once or twice a month in the evening. He is not helpless.
I suppose it us all the little things he does not see need doing that niggle. Replacing the toilet roll, that sort of thing,

Cleaning is the biggest job and I have reduced how much I do considerably. He is a collector, so every inch of the house is full, every surface covered. I once counted up how many items I had to move and dust to dust the living room: probably over 100. So that is done very infrequently. He doesn't see the dust or see the need to dust, but eventually it gets to me.
He makes lots of mess in the bathroom, and drops biscuit crumbs in the sitting room, these are the annoying things as if I say anything he thinks I am making a fuss over nothing.
One thing he has pretty much taken over is the shopping. He goes out every day for his paper and picks up whatever we need, including fresh produce from the greengrocer, butcher and baker . About every two months he goes to the cash & carry and buys in bulk ( creating storage problems). We live very near Aldi so either of us will pop in there any time, and about once every six weeks I go to Morrisons to stock up on things I can't get locally. So we do share this task.
DH is not in the best of health, so I bear this in mind. We have both lost strength and have some joints affected by arthritis especially hands and wrists for me, but the back for him.
I am sure we can work something out.

Is this a case of actually getting the jobs done or a case of resentment because you feel OH is not doing enough?
We have never sat down and made a list of 'his' and 'her' jobs and thinking about it now we muddle along well enough although OH has never washed the floor or cleaned the bathroom/toilet as far as I can remember! But then I have never cleaned the car or checked the oil, tyres etc!
OH suddenly announced a few months ago that he wanted to do the ironing.....and he does it very well....although I still prefer to iron most of my own clothes!
I agree that praise is not necessary (unless something is exceptional). Most jobs are quite mundane and I would find it odd to be praised for hoovering
Appreciating a nice meal is different.

I can live with just about everything and anything, but not replacing the toilet roll is a capital offence

Marpau - I like your idea the best. Unless one's DH is an absolute slob about the house I'd hate the idea of halving everything. Too tick boxy for a good relationship imho... having said that we have both been dreadful over the years but DH faced it all first. I do some, he does more than me.

One thing we do understand is the need for some space. If I was out every Weds it would be his day to enjoy the space - not to work. Same other way around. I'd hate to have to do any chores in my 'me time'.

There are jobs he has always done - bins/rubbish out, any heavy lifting, carrying, petrol for car,cutting the grass, etc
He's hopeless at decorating. I did a little when I was fitter. Thankfully we can now have someone in - when we get around to it! In my favour is the face He's always been a bit difficult and I've always let his moods wear off, don't pick arguments or nag either. Nagging is the pits - justified or not.

'Fact not face

inishowen
That is really funny.

I think you have to stop having my jobs and his jobs. You should start doing things together. Cleaning for example. Even a dishwasher can be done together. So the new word in your home has to be 'together'. Give it a go....

We are like Nonna, no lists, we often ask each other what are your plans for today and then we just get on with doing what ever we think needs doing. It works very well for us, no men or woman’s jobs, no checking on how well it’s done, if you are hungry and want to eat early then you will either do it or chip in and help so it’s ready at an earlier time. Try it.

However good at doing a job and however willing a man is, no man seems to understand the time-frame we women want jobs done in. They say blithely, "I'll see to that" but they mean they will do it sometime, not as we women understand it, BEFORE the shops close or the bin men come!

A lot of newly retired husbands do not know that houses don't run themselves, so working out together who does what and WHEN is the first step. Don't expect DH to be able to multi-task (he can't, only a very few men can), don't expect him to do a task the way you do. If he really is at sea, you can offer to show or tell him how you find is the best way to deal with it.
Don't redo his work. How would you feel if you had just put up a set of shelves and he came along and took them down and put them up again, because "you hadn't done it right!?

When my DH retired he offered to do jobs like indoor window cleaning and mopping the kitchen floor but funnily enough he seems to have forgotten all about it. He will do things if I ask him to but in his own good time!
How come some men just don’t notice if something is dusty or dirty? I have long since decide that he may be retired but I am most certainly not and from the looks of it never will be.

Like many other couples we bickered a lot about chores but after some years retirement things have settled. DH does the garden and vacuums(most men accept this) If I prep and cook, he tidies kitchen and when he does the few meals he can, I do the kitchen. I do all the laundrey and we both change our own bed, I also wash the tiled floors and do bathroom.

We have spent a lot of time apart in different coutries so are both able to do all the housework. When he was 6 months in America I was always asked if he had a cleaning lady, which he didn't. I had shown him how to iron shirts and he just got on with it.
He has not been spoilt!
We were both post war children with working mothers and could look after ourselves at an early age. What annoys me is that when he does the shopping he buys too much which then has to be eaten up but no amount of asking or making lists alters that.

Those DIY jobs, can you save up and ask a professional handyman to come and do them? Maybe hubby just needs to see how it's done. It might take more than one visit but you will get those irritating jobs done and perhaps next time he will tackle them before it gets to be a bone of contention between you

Surely everyone needs to know at least the basics of how to run/clean/manage a home? Crises can (and will) happen, and then one person may simply have to take over doing everything. (DH couldn't do many households tasks when I met him - but he learned!)

Just a tip.....don’t do the food shopping together! Let him do it sometimes and then do it yourself sometimes,
Best for harmony.
DH does vacuuming, emptying dishwasher, stacking dishwasher ( men regard this as an art form and will hate the way you do it) all the heavier gardening and using pressure washer on patio, drive etc.Anything to do with the car.
Will cook a meal (well) twice a week.Will do any DIY around the house, and take things to the tip.
Always makes me a cup of tea/ coffee when asked.
I don’t make lists, and if I want him to do something I just ask.Hinting and coaxing doesn’t work with men.?

We've always shared household jobs, including cooking. The only thing he doesn't bother with is the washing machine. When we got married 38 years ago I told him I wasn't his mother and wouldn't be doing everything for him!

why do we treat our husbands like children? they're grown ups and should be doing their share

Throughout our marriage we have always shared all aspects of housekeeping, childcare, pet care and finances. I retired several years before my husband and then started a business working from home. There was then a slight shift in our domestic duties. Because I often continued working in the evenings my husband would cook dinner - I think he thought if he didn't do it nobody would get fed! When eventually hubby retired so did I. We settled back into a routine of sharing tasks, except that my husband continues to do most of the cooking. He actually enjoys it, he's a better cook than me and I'm more than happy to let him do it. I do all the laundry and ironing, cleaning, change beds, the dishwasher etc, while things such as cleaning windows, decorating, dog walking, shopping and gardening are a joint effort. The only things he considers to be his sole responsibility are bringing in the solid fuel for our boiler, lighting it and chopping kindling. We rarely disagree or argue over who does what, in fact it's very rare for us to argue over anything. We just rub along well together!

Ok so men do jobs in their own time so what does it matter? Forget to put the rubbish out, well it’s a trip up the tip and to the many recycling spots dotted around. He will soon get into the habit. Why do we always have to get jobs done at a certain time? Life is just to short.

I am retired my husband not yet. I suspect the biggest problem will be time. He thinks that when he retires he'll have all the time in the world for hobbies, jobs, reading etc I have discovered that is not the case I rush about more now than when working and run out of day constantly

BRedhead, do you rush around because of jobs to or because you have so many interests?

Lemon grove, I think your pattern is closest to my way of thinking.
He will usually do something if he is asked, and I know what is best to ask.
Silver lining, yes, I do feel resentment when
A) I have just cleaned and he comes in and makes a mess, as I feel it shows no respect for my time and labour
B) he sits just waiting for the evening meal to appear, watching all the antiques programmes. I think maybe I could ask him to do more meals. He is quite capable.