Isn't this a simple logic

I love my dear MIL and will do anything I can for her. She’s elderly now and as dread the day she is no longer here. She is no just my MIL, she’s also a very good friend and confidant. I’m very lucky, I know others are not so.

People have to be adult and put the children first.
As adults you need to find a workable solution - neutral territory or whatever it takes.
Don't make the children pawns who have to choose & then feel guilty about the side they have let down. Children pick up on all the tensions without you saying anything.

What a good post Faye I always wonder how my darling little GD & GS felt when I & her auntie, that had been in their life from the very beginning, I was the second person in the world to hold my GD in my arms & third with my GS, were suddenly not there any more! When they asked, were they told we were dead, I think they were. What wickedness!

Might family contact be easier if you all met up at a venue and did an activity together. All on neutral ground and can go when you have had enough of each others company. It is also time limited. Bowling, swimming, painting a pottery pot, or just meeting up for a cream tea in a garden centre with climbing frames/swings for children. I like my Mil because she has been kind to me and my dc from previous marriage, but even if I did not I could tolerate a person for up to a couple of hours in a neutral setting. Unless your in laws are really toxic it would be good for your children to build a bond with their grandparents.

Sensible post from MOnica. It is a relationship that is thrust upon you and since you both love the same man, and the same children, it is sensible that you both do your utmost to get on. Try and be friends from the very start and do things together, by yourselves, it is surprising how close you can get when you bother to get to know them.
I think it sad when you can't be united and send DH with the children- not at all nice for the children who pick up on it and then feel guilty whatever they feel.

I have kept out of this thread, because I still don't quite understand what it is you want of us.

Is it a philosophical discussion of the relationship between one generation and another?
Is it an analysis of the underlying psychological hang-ups that make each generation wary of another?
Is it a search for others who have had the same experiences as you have and who approve of the way you deal with them? Is it a search for a better way?

It seems to me that your therapies (I note that you have tried multiple therapies, that probably indicates that you were unsatisfied with the results) have not completely cleared up your anxieties. I think you are now airing what has been said to you during those therapies to a sensible and sensitive group of "ordinary grans". Perhaps you are hoping to "lead the discussion" to form the "right" conclusions ?

But no-one is inside your mind - or, more importantly, your heart. All the therapists and advisors in the world, and all the jargon and theorising of psychology and psychiatry, can only produce generalisations about the average human experience. Jawing can't take the place of experiencing. Other people's relationships are not your relationships. And intellectualising doesn't automatically build healthy relationships.

The same applies to your husband and children. They have their own contacts and links with your MiL - their mother and grandmother. You are not the supervisor and arbiter of their relationship with her, and whether you want them to see her or avoid her has no relevance. If the children are young, then they probably see her in company with a parent, but as they grow older they will have their own links. They may like her as little as you do, or they may like her far more than you do - it is up to them and it is certainly up to your husband - her son - to form his own relationship and see his mother as and when he wishes.

But, of course, your own attitude may be that their inclinations come second to yours - if that is so, you are in for more problems as your children become adults.

I think you need to go back to therapy, and I am in no way saying that to be hostile.

Therapy isn't supposed to give us "other perspectives". It is supposed to let us work through our own perspective, give us tools to cope with the problems and difficult feelings we came to therapy with, and give us peace in ourselves to go forward with life.

My relationship with my mum is still basically unnavigable. Therapy for me didn't change the fact the poor woman is all the sandwiches short of a picnic. But it freed me from the terrible guilt and pain of believing any of it was my fault. She was a shit to me since birth - how could that ever have been my fault? But therapy helped me understand that, and now I have peace in myself about her. She still causes plenty trouble in my life, but I no longer take her abuses to heart, and that was worth all the costs of therapy to me.

You don't have peace about the MIL situation. Your therapy has stopped before the point at which you had what you needed from it. You are still fighting that internal battle. You need more tools, more exploration of your difficult feelings.

You are not done yet. That is why you are broadcasting your pain here.

Dove, ever heard the expression “teaching your granny to suck eggs?”

Btw I’m leaving this post here for now. (Maybe back if I see other people who is genuinely want to discuss and if I missed any of you I didn’t mean to be rude)
I believe there are folks out there who understand what’s going on and what I try to do. For those who don’t understand and think I’m abnormal or seriously ill or don’t listen whatever, I still thank you for contribution. Thank you people.

I'm not feeding this any longer........

Wow that’s not nice Monica. I didn’t force you read this post.

You think therapies answer all questions in life? Therapies certainly didn’t help me learn other generations perspectives. And I didn’t know trying to learn others perspectives by raising questions will make me look so suspicious.
It’s so interesting that some grans complain about the younger generations aren’t interested in what they experienced or think. But when I ask questions here try to understand and communicate it makes me a villain/ abnormal person. Jez grans are so hard to please.

Its not just me getting a headache then ?

Why do you consider you have had hostility directed at you I haven’t seen any at all, puzzlement yes but not hostility
It does seem as if you are constantly over analysing your questions then over analyse all answers
I think none of us have any answers for you and your questions should be asked of your therapist who must know you and situation much better than we ever will
Good luck i n your quest

Not just "different perspectives" the Dove. Speaking for myself, I get the distinct feeling that nothing that is said to you on here is going to give you the answers you seek. Your obviously looking for approbation or ..... , who knows? But you clearly have a lot of questions still unanswered and either your therapist or a journalist might be the best option.

Oh, for heavens sake go back to your therapists. Whatever anyone says to you you distort it when you play it back to them through your thick filters. I am beginning to understand why your MiL finds you heavy going.

I guess there’s a generation or perhaps cultural difference here.
And I believe your interpretation on my wording ‘companion’ isn’t what I meant exactly.
Happiness and pleasure can’t be counted so it’s hard to calculate as you worded it. But in general, we could tell if we feel comfortable, welcomed, and if we could ‘be ourselves’ in others company. You have mentioned if I had made my MIL feel welcomed. That’s the same concept. So you questioned of the DIL (me?) if they made their mils to feel welcomed. And I question the same thing the other way round, when visits are not as frequent as expected.

I don’t know what to feel about making people agree on a regular visit plan is a sign of love. It’s certainly a sign of need.

You are right on ‘most families’ don’t analyse/ think about things like these. A lot of friends expressed similar views. They find it difficult when their parents don’t want to discuss about feelings and vulnerabilities when there are issues.
I guess that’s how you find me ‘over analyse’ things. Different perspectives eh?

I'm . If you've been in therapy to resolve and come to terms with the situation Dove; like others here, I don't understand why you're still seeking answers and for others to share their experiences with you. Each poster that has replied has simply raised more questions for you and seems to have left you more uncertain than when you started this thread. I suspect your therapist is the best one to speak to now because you don't seem to be as at ease with your decisions as you first thought.

Hey, I think this post is going to run on and on. Answers will raise more questions

I mean I am on my own Facebook reading my friends and family’s updates.
I don’t read Gransnet’s Facebook page or have any association with the Gransnet facebook’s team.
Do you mean you are concerned that all these discussions would be posted on Facebook, by me? That’s why people are a little hostile? ?
Did soemthing like this really happen before?

Dove, you seem to have a very mechanistic attitude to family relationships and expect it to be a zero sum calculation.

Most families do not analyse in great detail how they feel about each other. They do not calculate how much pleasure they will get out of a visit or whether someone is a good companion.

As a family they are fond of each other, happy in each others company and tolerant of anyone who does not constantly exude pleasure and good company. Family ties are made up of so many threads of care, concern, help and support, built up over decades and also loving understanding of family members idiosyncrasies and difficulties. Nobody is calculating what there is for them in any visit and deciding or not to see a family member on the basis of how much pleasure is on offer.

In today's complicated world when families are spread over long distances and have complex commitments, arranging to timetable family visiting is not a sign of obligation, but love. Knowing you will be seeing each other on the first Sunday of every month is a sign of how much you want to be together, because if you do it on a visit by visit basis, you suddenly discover that every one has different commitments and the next mutually free weekend is 4 months distant and you do not want to have a gap that long between visits.

That is certainly how it has always worked in my family and I expect it is similar in other families.

So you re not on GN but you are on FB so are we now all posting this on FB ???

Anyone willing to tell what some people are suspecting? I’m confused. Was someone here before to research for a book and caused problems?

Thanks for answering. I agree with that. When visits are not as frequent as expected there could be a milion reasons. Busy modern lives, private lifestyle, introvert personality, or even the next generation is going they hard times etc etc. Things usually start to get funny when the blaming and guilt trips begin.

I don’t have a lot of time but I am quite active online. If I’m not on Gransnet I’m on Facebook or reading online newspapers or play online games. I do appreciate every each of you who took the time to reply so I’m trying to saying something back to show my appreciation. I don’t know what you mean by researching? For what purpose?

MargaretX, thanks for sharing your experience.
Not long ago my auntie told me that my grandmother disliked my uncle (her husband) so much that Gran openly criticised him for being ‘too old for her’ and ‘doesn’t look great’!!!! Aunt then told me how my uncle continued to show his patience and manners, and when In Gran’s last few years, it was always my uncle who accompanied my Gran for hospital visits and shopping etc. I asked my aunt how uncle did that? Aunt just said that’s his personality.
Do you think it’s your personality that helped you continue to show your patience to your MIL? When you felt hurt, unappreciated? How did you get through those negetive thoughts?