Living with a joysucker

Oh dear, I wouldn’t have posted earlier if the OP had said in the first place that her DH had suffered from depression!

That’s altered the whole thread.

Thank you Peep, for posting a different point of view. I hesitated to post more than I had, because Seasider needed support, and I didn't want to appear critical, when she is struggling to enjoy her life with her OH. However, in a general way I'd like to add to the discussion.

I would add that I think certain occasions, such as really important family get-togethers, should be attended if at all possible. People who care about you can help to make them bearable (quiet rooms, sitting near people who understand you etc)

These seem to be the issues:
Mental health: Seasider did say that her OH had depression - although not exactly how he was doing at present - I thought the situation as described quite stressful for someone with any mental health issues.
The social etiquette of such gifts: I thought it an expensive gift for someone who doesn't know them well, and not very thoughtful for someone who did. They may have wanted to give Seasider a treat, not realising that she would have had a nicer evening with a friend.
Finances: It can be difficult to have a separate social life if money is tight. We are fortunate in that we live in an area where the kind of things we like can be enjoyed cheaply.

Myself, I think the issue is communication and understanding. Being the partner of someone with depression can be very difficult. I would hope that Seasider can find a few TV programmes to enjoy (I think there's some great dramas on, but am aware that my taste is very different!), that Seasider can have an occasional treat evening out with friends, and that they might find some evenings out locally that would give them both some pleasure.

I hope I have not overstepped by posting this - I intend no criticism.

Peep is right , the poor joyless ones are to be pitied rather than blamed . Surely they aren't sad on purpose , they might be ill with depression , or have secret worries

Tassiegran have you ever noticed whether his moods corespond with dull weather. I live with a DH with SAD and my happy cheerful chap reappears if he has some light therapy. Have a think if there is a possible link and read up about SAD
The best thing I ever did was buy a light box over 30 years ago. I had very little money as I was a stay at home Mum but as soon as I researched the condition just knew it was him. My son also has it and they both ‘have’ their lights daily in winter. Sometimes we will see Mr Grumpy appear even in Spring and get the light box out again.

Used to live with Victor Meldrew. That’s why he is my ex. Life is too short

As a female (60) who struggles with depression and Asperger’s and gets hounded to go to various things (theatre, weddings etc.) the only way to cope with the mental abuse of being ‘encouraged’ to go (pretty much forced- you’ll enjoy it when you’re there, which has yet to happen) is to be miserable because my mind just isn’t coping. I’m not bullying anyone I’m just trying desperately hard to not break down. Men must find these situations just as difficult. Gatherings are particularly hard ie weddings, family get togethers and parties.

So please ladies if you have ‘forced’ your husbands to attend these things you are being emotionally abusive too.

Depression is like a Dementor, in that it sucks any joy out of us. Just be glad you don’t struggle with it.

Sometimes I'm quite glad I live alone. And I love the word
"Joysucker!" I used to know one of those.

i live with one but have decided to do my own thing going to join a dance class with a friend and go to places on my own i am seventy have sciatica so walking can be painful but going to have a go life is too short to be brought down.

My DH used to be an always complainer when we ate out. I have semi-trained him by threat of "I will not go with you" and he knows I mean it. I don't mind if he has genuine complaint but he used to look for things to complain about.

I haven't had to say it in a while but he will slide again as he does every so often. He enjoys eating out but he also seemed to enjoy finding fault with everything he chose from the menu.

Perhaps you should try same with your DH, tell him before you go to behave himself and return early if he doesn't. (Like you would with a kid)

Very good advice micmc47.

We only have one life, a decision needs to be made here.

You only have one life. What you are being subjected too is emotional abuse, in which your "joysucker" (well-named) partner is attempting to exert malign control over your life, and to destroy your happiness. If you are content to live like this that's your decision. If you want it to change you should consistently and calmly challenge such behaviour every time you're subjected to it. If it changes for the better, great... if not you're into a whole new ball-game in which you may even want to consider the future (or lack of it) for your marriage. I sincerely hope that it all works out for the best, but don't allow yourself to be dragged down... No-one needs to live like this...

I suspect even my DP would smile at that one! In response to the choice of show. He has enjoyed various musicals in the past and DC thought we would both enjoy it. I do have a good social life with friends and family but feel guilty leaving him. When he was having counselling it was suggested I needed to spend more time watching tv with him ( his favourite pastime) but I just find it so boring!

Me neither.

That was in relation to the Beyoncé comment.

I can’t think of many things I would like less.

Loved the image of some people being "drains" and some being "radiators". It is very sad to read of so many people living with killjoys. As others have said we only have one life, such a pity to waste so much time with a drain.

As it is often not financially realistic to separate in later life perhaps the solution is to quite consciously lead separate lives while still living together. If one party is much happier staying at home or their interests are very different then each do their own thing with their own friends. This includes social events and holidays even family events if one party isn't interested. Maybe it's really about letting go of the convention that a married couple has to do everything together. Ties that bind can be loosened without needing to be cut.

Over the years I have come across couples who have made some very creative arrangements to lead separate lives while not actually separating especially in the days when separation and divorce were less socially acceptable. If they had a caravan or holiday house they would take turns to stay there in effect rarely being in the same place at the same time. Another example was dividing their house into two residences, one was via a brick wall down the centre and another by boarding up the stairwell of a two storey house to create two residences with the upper one accessible via an external stair.

A joy sucker would complain if Beyonce danced up to him wearing a leotard with £100 to cover the parking expenses!

What a shame the evening was spoiled for you. I wonder whose idea it was to see that particular show?

Tonight I am having a pleasant evening in on my own watching TV, on here and baking a cake while OH is out at a concert with his friends which I wouldn't enjoy much . I spent today with a friend, lunch, an exhibition and lots of chat.

We've been married 50 years and at last know what we enjoy!

£24 for parking is pretty normal in a city. Cheaper than a taxi or a fine! We go by bus.

When my OH is relating his litany of potential disasters I always say "We're doomed; we're all doomed!" in the best approximation I can do of a Scottish accent.

I do sometimes say to him "one day when I suggest something just say yes!" He always has to come back with a negative comment before we even make the arrangements. On the other hand I am like the Martini girl. Anytime, any place, anywhere!

Train travel isn't exactly cheap either though "Chewbacca" and is often inconvenient.

Also £24 is a ridiculous car parking charge
And if he'd gone on the train as OP suggested, he wouldn't have had to pay £24 parking, would he?

MawBroon
We had a thread some time ago on this subject. I gave the other side of the coin and was told "it's alright for some" and that I was boasting.
I can fully understand how sad this is making you

The op says he sucks the joy out of any situation, not just this one.

In his defence it is extremely uncomfortable with not enough leg room. When booking the theatre we always book an aisle seat so DH can stretch his legs. I wouldn't call it bullying to ask to change seats at all! Also £24 is a ridiculous car parking charge! Im sorry he didn't enjoy the show tbough. I know it spoils my enjoyment when DH doesn't enjoy something. However I think some of yoy are being a bit harsh to him! Dh can be grumpy or moody sometimes but usually isn't and I know I have my faults too!