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Living with a joysucker

(172 Posts)
seasider Thu 05-Apr-18 23:15:02

Anybody else have a partner who sucks the joy out of any situation? We went to Manchester yesterday to see Miss Saigon ( tickets were a Christmas present from my DC). I suggested the train but DP wanted to drive. We drove for ages looking for a reasonably priced car park but ended up in NCP. When we arrived it was raining heavily but we were outside a trendy bar I had heard about from people at work. I got the drinks as I knew he would faint at the prices. I really liked the place ,which was great for people watching, but he just said he used to do things like that in his 20s but couldn't be bothered now!
We had an offer for Jamie's Italian so I took DP as he had never been . He moaned about lack of choice on the set menu but when I remarked how nice the burgers looked he said he had not seen them on the menu! We had a very nice steak though.
We had front row circle seats at the theatre and having been before we were aware leg room was limited. He fidgeted the whole first half and as soon as they stopped singing he jumped up and said he had to move and if they could not find another seat he would go out and pick me up after. They found us an aisle seat higher up and I also moved as I knew he would sulk otherwise. After the show , which was fabulous, he had nothing good to say. The car park costs £24 which he took quite well! I despair as he is only 60 what will he be like in 20 years! sad

Jalima1108 Thu 05-Apr-18 23:34:38

The car park costs £24 which he took quite well
I think DH would still be moaning about that .....

Synonymous Thu 05-Apr-18 23:37:49

Oh crumbs! No, I have a DH who is very appreciative on the whole but has the occasional whinge which is always firmly and comprehensively squished if it is unjustified. What you describe is either PMT or extremely bad manners and I would not be putting up with that!
I wouldn't be waiting 20 years to tell him either! grin

Jalima1108 Thu 05-Apr-18 23:40:54

"Oh, do stop whingeing!!" grin is usually enough to stop DH. However, I would be whingeing about the car park cost too.

MissAdventure Thu 05-Apr-18 23:41:21

My ex could be either a total charmer, full of life and love, or one of the most miserable gits God ever put breath in!
Just reading about your day out makes my heart sink, because I know the feeling only too well.

Chewbacca Thu 05-Apr-18 23:47:51

And isn't it exhausting seasider when you're trying valiantly to keep the mood light and cheerful and make the outing into a pleasure but the OH is determined to nit pick on every little last thing and make everything such damned hard work? So glad I don't have that any more.

MissAdventure Thu 05-Apr-18 23:49:58

I think anyone can have a bad day, or be a misery, but joysuckers are a whole new dimension.
Its an insidious, nasty, controlling and sneaky form of bullying.

tassiegran Fri 06-Apr-18 02:19:04

Yes, can't the moods spoil everything! I never know when my husband will be in a "black" mood. He will be lovely for a long time and everything is nice, then I can tell by his expression and responses that we are in for a bad period. It is never him though (according to him) - it is me! I don't change moods much from day to day, might have a flare up but I am soon back to normal. Husbands moods can last for days and because I came from a violent home I feel very sick and frightened by his moods. He would never be violent but the moods cast a black shadow over everything. I am so happy when the good person reappears.

NanKate Fri 06-Apr-18 07:05:51

I am so sorry Seasider that your day trip was spoilt by your moody partner.

Can you tell him that his moody ways totally spoilt what could have been a lovely day. If you can’t do this what about organising a day out with a girlfriend and really enjoy yourself.

60 is young get out and enjoy yourself with ot without him. You only have one life.

Best of luck.

Gerispringer Fri 06-Apr-18 07:13:29

Next time you want to go to the theatre - go with a friend. Say to him “I know you don’t enjoy going to the theatre ,so I wont get you a ticket , I’ll go with x, is that ok? See what his response is.

vampirequeen Fri 06-Apr-18 07:22:08

All that whinging and then getting you moved in the theatre is a form of bullying. You left excellent seats and moved to poorer seats just to keep him happy. He got his own way.

Situpstraight Fri 06-Apr-18 07:34:16

Unless he’s always like this then I guess he just didn’t want to be there and so made sure that you didn’t enjoy it either.

Some people are radiators and some people are drains.

I hope this was a one off or you will soon only be doing what he wants to do, or sitting at home looking at each other, wondering where your life went.

Tea and cake Fri 06-Apr-18 07:48:23

I think Sitiupstraight has hit the nail on the head. He didn't want to go and was making his feelings obvious by being a pain in the proverbial. I would make sure you go with a friend in future or by yourself, which I do as I know I would probably be in for a similar 'treat' if I went with OH!

Maggiemaybe Fri 06-Apr-18 08:07:41

I’m so sorry your day was spoilt. There are too many real-life Victor Meldrews around.

But £24 for parking! shock

travelsafar Fri 06-Apr-18 08:25:13

Yes i know another one of these!!! smile I often wonder if the roles in our marriage were reversed would he put up with me making inappropriate comments and being grumpy most of the time and would we still be together. Maybe that would be an interesting post.

OldMeg Fri 06-Apr-18 08:38:34

Those who ‘suck the joy out of any situation’ are truly draining. They steal your energy and can make you quite tense and ill. It’s more than being just grumpy, it’s soul destroying.

I’d avoid them like the plague, but if they are part of the family it’s very hard. They’re the exact opposite of those who light up a room the moment they arrive,

Iam64 Fri 06-Apr-18 08:42:05

Parking costs in Manchester are horrific, £24 sounds about right for the length of time you were there.
I'm tempted to suggest you go with a friend next time seasider. It sounds as though you had to spend a lot of energy keeping your partner's spirits up. Jamie's in Manchester is great, lovely venue and friendly staff, the food is good as well.

merlotgran Fri 06-Apr-18 08:43:51

My mother used to say, 'It's being so miserable that keeps him cheerful' about her next door neighbour which sometimes I think she used to aim at DH as well.

He loves the self indulgence of a good old strop and a sulk but he doesn't get away with it so that's that!

He soon snaps out of it, especially when he realises everyone is having a great time and he isn't grin

M0nica Fri 06-Apr-18 08:56:57

It is called 'passive aggression' and is just as damaging and dangerous as physical violence

Luckygirl Fri 06-Apr-18 09:03:48

We both wake up. "How are you dear?" say I. "Very very worried" says he. "What are you worried about?" say I .......long, long, long pause.........."I don't know."

This scenario, or a version thereof, occurs every morning. It does not make a good start to the day! I know he can't help it, but what a joy it would be to wake to a positive conversation.........I am not holding my breath!

By the way - this continues for the rest of the day.............sigh.

allsortsofbags Fri 06-Apr-18 09:06:41

So sad when a treat is such hard work. I'm pleased you were able to make the most out of your day, not easy. I hope you gave yourself a "well done".

MissAdventure and M0nica covered it well as did many others. Wishing you all the best for any future outing.

milliespain Fri 06-Apr-18 09:14:12

These posts make me feel better! Thought it was only me and I get blamed for all his bad moods! Beginning to think it is me, so now know its not, Just look forward to his good days. What a life, don't deserves it after nearly fifty years of marriage. Just look forward to visits to my daughter on my own

lemongrove Fri 06-Apr-18 09:16:39

seasider I think most DH’s can be like this at times, especially if they feel grumpy at the thought of driving in the rain to see a show they don’t want to see! grin The parking fee may have put a crimp in my day too.
As long as he isn’t like that all the time, I doubt you have a problem really.
Men are more honest and less placating than women when it comes to outings they aren’t keen on.

MawBroon Fri 06-Apr-18 09:17:33

This whole thread saddens me.
On the one hand we all know (or I think we do) those Victor Meldrew moments when a person (DH, teenager or child) is determined not to enjoy something and yes, in future, go with a friend and let him indoors do whatever it is he prefers.
But it was a present from the children, as I understand and so it saddens me that this was either ill-chosen or that OH didn’t feel any obligation to make an effort.
Of course he could be suffering from Depression or some other physical problem. We don’t know enough to judge.
Is it passive-aggressive? I don’t know. At any rate it should be possible, once tempers have cooled to say
That wasn’t your type of thing was it?
In future would you prefer to stay at home and I will go with X, Y?
What would you prefer to do? (Relaying that information to the DC)
I often “jollied/bullied(?)” Paw into doing things he might have been unenthusiastic about because he didn’t feel up to it but latterly gritted my teeth and went on my own if necessary. Sometimes I was right, sometimes not but we can all be blessed with 20/20 hindsight. It’s a hard call but I do think the word joysucker is a dreadful indictment.

Everthankful Fri 06-Apr-18 09:48:49

It’s called VMS - ‘Victor Meldrum Syndrome’. They all get it when they near 60, it’s the law!