Living with a joysucker

Seaside
You are not alone in this situation. Much as I loved late DH how many times did I hear 'do we have to' or 'too expensive'. Even though I had a well paid job and our children were doing their own thing there was nothing to hold us back from these' nights out' and enjoying ourselves other than a pint in the local. Is this a 'man thing' as I have heard similar stories from my own friends ?

Tassiegran. Sounds like you're in a Coercive Controlling relationship. Have you read 'Look What You Made Me Do?' by Helen Walmsley-Johnson? Also, there's been quite a bit about Coercive Control on Woman's Hour recently.

He sounds a right misery guts! Do you ever call him on his grumpy and unappreciative behaviour? I couldn't bear to have to tread so carefully round a husband.

He didn't complain about the parking fee because it was his fault & choice! You wanted to go by train!
Like others I feel it's pointless trying to please or involve a retired OH if they don't want to be. When we first retired I joined U3A & local community centre, because I reckoned I'd need a retirement friends network. My OH said he wasn't much of a "joiner upper", he was a "pub man"! Now the pubs are closed down or have become trendy gastro pubs, so he sits at home, and I usually go out with a friend, to anything he would just moan about. It saddens me, but at the end of the day, it's an OH husband's choice to decide what he wants to be involved in. Trying to change them at this stage is never going to work & you deserve some joy in life for yourself!

OMG! We could all swap DHs' and not notice the difference!

Mine turned 73 yesterday and my daughter gave him some herbal happy pills for his birthday.
Everything you describe chimes with me. We make all sorts of excuses for them - retirement, feeling redundant, prostate problems etc etc. Truth is many men are just like spoilt children who need the hard word every now and again.. Mine even behaved badly at my mother's funeral last month!
Dont know the answer except possibly, keep your head down and dont react to spoilt maungy behaviour and then every now and again, make it clear that that sort sort of behaviour is not acceptable, My DH does take note and pulls his act together for a while.
dont ever, ever, be a martyr to it.!

Good luck!!

My mum got like this. Whoever you took her or whatever you did she found fault. If you had tea out she said how many tea bags you could get for that price. I sometimes have a tendency to take after her but my other half and brothers only have to say I'm getting like mum and I snap out of it. I can't explain why i sometimes do it.

This scenario sounds familiar seasider and I think DP and I have come to an agreement that he won’t volunteer for gigs or theatre trips unless he really feels he would enjoy the outing.
There are occasions when he gets in a flap beforehand but then is off all evening chatting to all and sundry!
I usually arrange to go out with friends and if he disapproves then he keeps quiet.
I do remember feeling the same as OP in the early days. We’ve been together 20 years too and he’s only 61!

Seasider, you don't say whether he has always been like this with things he doesn't really want to do, or if this is something new. So please look seriously at the sensible suggestions that others have made for both contingencies.

My own suggestion is that for a lot of people complaining is just a bad habit. It can be got rid of, but that needs just as much hard work as breaking off any other habit.

Years ago now, I said jokingly to DH that we were only allowed to complain on Wednesdays. He took me seriously, or pretended to, and lo and behold, after a month or so we discovered that neither of us complained as much, just in order to have something to say, and that if anything was such a serious problem that it was worth remembering when Wednesday arrived, then it was worth sitting down and discussing.

Obviously, now and again something crops up that can't wait until Wednesday and has to be dealt with straight away. But we no longer complain endlessly about all the little things we either can't change or don't really want to change.

So glad to hear that l am not the only one living with VictorM syndrome!.
I have only been retired for 2 and a half yrs with him here at home it’s slowly wearing me down. After 45 yrs of marriage ..our own home ..lovely kids and grandcherubs ..we have so much to be happy about and yet he always sees the negative side of everything. Lord help us when he starts reading the news out to me from his iPad ...the whole world is doomed.

For 6 weeks now we have had Thames Water parking their huge lorries ( or International Rescue as we now call them as they are enormous!) outside our house blocking all the light whilst they mend pipe work in the field behind us. The daily diatribe from him starts at 8.30 am and goes on all day until they leave at 5pm.
Wish l could magic up a happy pill for him to take each day ..surely at 68 yrs ..being healthy ...relatively financially secure ..and so much to be grateful for in this day and age he could find it in himself to let the occasional happy chort escape!

I so totally agree with the Victor Meldrew Syndrome... or GOM (Grumpy Old Men) for short....

Is there anything that he does appreciate? If there isn't I hope you aren't expending energy trying to find it! DiY - do it yourself and enjoy outings with friends or family. Leave him to amuse himself in his own way.

Just noooooo life is too short at this stage of life. My ex was like that, and so glad in my sixties my life is so happy with no moods to worry about. That is the way he is an will never change. Your decision seasider If you can find Carol McGiffen's autobiography to read, it tells the time when she was married to Chris Evans the radio2 DJ. For me it was therapy and was exactly how my marriage was. No if someone wants to spoil your joy from a xmas gift from your DC the second word would be OFF.

One of my friends is married to someone similar. She does go out with her friends but he gets lonely. When he goes on a bit, we treat him as though he is joking. Giggling helps a lot. He now behaves as though he is being witty which is funny in itself. My friend's husband has arthritis which is more painful than he allows I'm very fond of him and I believe he is very much afraid of growing old and unable to look after himself. He can't say so out loud so he moans about small things instead.

My DH walked out of La Boheme at ROH once, luckily it was only a £10 special, and has been peculiar on a couole of otger occasions including a long awaited trip to see Mark Rylance. I realised he suffers a kind of claustrophobia where he feels trapped. Now I check he really wants to go to plays etc, though saying yes well beforehand can translate into something else on the day & I often seem to be scouting around to find someone who’ll take his ticket because he is ‘ill’. I most often now go by myself which means more money for a better seat. However, having said he couldn’t understand why I wanted to see our grand daughter in the opera Macbeth again at Covent Garden and again in Live Screening, when I announced I was off to by my cinema ticket, he coyly said, “Get one for me too.”

Aha! Reminds me of an incident: My grandpa had died in his chair and the family gathered because of the formalities, a young WPC asked if he ‘had complained of anything’ whereupon my Aunt said ‘Complained? He never stopped complaining!’

I have no experience of this difficulty, thank goodness but it does engender a sadness in me for the recipients. My theory is the same as many already stated here in that I would have suggested going with someone else (slight problem with the 'gift' issue) and I would have bought train tickets in advance so that would have been fait acompli. As to moving seats? Not a chance. I would happily have said for him to go ahead and we'd meet up at the end. As for Jamie's, I'd have suggested something similar. Not at all easy or pleasant but there is a bit of a no win for both of you in either scenario methinks. Age is a consideration, of course, but I think any age is unacceptable for this churlish behaviour.

I can remember the pleasure I got from going by myself to France to visit my daughter at university. The joy of not having to make sure that everything was fine for DH! It's bad enough to have to do all the organisation of trips/holidays without lots of complaints as well.

I wouldn't hang around for twenty years to find out!

Lots of good advice on here as always .... reminds me of a close friend who has just had to tell her husband that he is seriously depressing her and she is not prepared to live like this anymore. She feels like she is treading on egg shells with him everyday.

Yep - sometimes my husband turns into a dementor ??

You’re not alone! But if this is just a one off, I guess it’s not a problem. Sometimes I think ‘girls just want to have fun’ and I think men forget that...or aren’t prepared to compromise anything for that. If he’s like it all the time, I’m sure it wears you down and maybe you’ll have to point it out (firmly) to him. My husband can be like this...often if he’s stressed at work...I tell him he’s a miserable git and we can laugh...but occasionally, it gets too much and I really feel I don’t want to be here. I don’t know the answer...

Has he always been like this? If so, leave him at home while you go with a friend. If not, is he depressed? Not wishing to alarm, but if someone becomes very negative, it can be a sign of more serious cognitive changes, in which case, get him to the doc and tell the doc what you've noticed.

It’s called VMS - ‘Victor Meldrum Syndrome’. They all get it when they near 60, it’s the law!

This whole thread saddens me.
On the one hand we all know (or I think we do) those Victor Meldrew moments when a person (DH, teenager or child) is determined not to enjoy something and yes, in future, go with a friend and let him indoors do whatever it is he prefers.
But it was a present from the children, as I understand and so it saddens me that this was either ill-chosen or that OH didn’t feel any obligation to make an effort.
Of course he could be suffering from Depression or some other physical problem. We don’t know enough to judge.
Is it passive-aggressive? I don’t know. At any rate it should be possible, once tempers have cooled to say
That wasn’t your type of thing was it?
In future would you prefer to stay at home and I will go with X, Y?
What would you prefer to do? (Relaying that information to the DC)
I often “jollied/bullied(?)” Paw into doing things he might have been unenthusiastic about because he didn’t feel up to it but latterly gritted my teeth and went on my own if necessary. Sometimes I was right, sometimes not but we can all be blessed with 20/20 hindsight. It’s a hard call but I do think the word joysucker is a dreadful indictment.

seasider I think most DH’s can be like this at times, especially if they feel grumpy at the thought of driving in the rain to see a show they don’t want to see! The parking fee may have put a crimp in my day too.
As long as he isn’t like that all the time, I doubt you have a problem really.
Men are more honest and less placating than women when it comes to outings they aren’t keen on.