Living with a joysucker

Some car parks offer a 50% discount to holders of a theatre ticket, so worth exploring.

Susie14

i thin that when you deal with bad behaiour, it may pay to wait until a similar event is in the offing. Then say 'I think we have to learn from last time. Say I expect to be accompanied by a cheerful positive person, list the stuff, ask him if he is up to it and if not take a friend with you.

Good luck. I keep husband in order by when he gets near the boundaries I accept telling him. Thankfully, the whole he is really good and I try to make sure that I am very supportive. Brexit does not help as he is a remainer. The newspaper means that he quite often starts with a negative view.

Good luck.

Depression and illness can make people difficult to be around - and that must be difficult, but what about those people who have no real excuses for their misery - except temperament/disposition?

I was with a man whose general outlook was gloomy and who could drain the joy out of every situation. I found myself having to appease him and to ensure our outings and day to day life would suit him. Slowly I found my usual optimistic character being quashed. Treading on eggshells constantly is no fun.

The light dawned that this grumpiness and lack of enthusiasm was a form of dominance and control. I was doing all in my power to make him happy, and not succeeding. When we parted, many moons ago, I started to see joy in things again and anticipated events with excitement. There was no longer anyone dragging me down with them. It was a blessed relief.

My sympathies go out to those attached to miseries.

Oh maw you were blessed
Paw sounds lovely! ?

I have one of these at home but he has many other good points so I just sigh and get on with it!

Maw, your posts about yourself and Paw, along with your family have been inspirational and life affirming. Thanks

Depression is indeed a dreadful thing. I ponder on the influence of the underlying personality on people suffering from depression. I'm generalising but some people love a moan, seem to lack the ability or willingness to enjoy the small things in life, always seek for negatives. Whether that is a contributory factor to depression I don't know. I do understand that some of us are struck down with a depressive illness after say, a long period of stress, a series of fairly awful life events. It doesn't always bring out the Victor in all of us.

Maw your story reminded me of a couple I saw in our local garden centre. The man had swollen and bandaged legs and feet and a urine bag peeping out below his shorts but he was still managing to push his wife round in a wheelchair. I take my hat off to them still enjoying life in the face of adversity! I would know if DP was ill as he moans a lot.

Maw....lovely family. Sorry about Paw...hemust have been in a lot of pain when he tried to walk round your DD's garden ....

Maw you have a lovely family and such a lot of happy memories too. I know I would be lost without MrS and can only imagine how you are feeling without Paw.

Dear Iwilldoittomorrow, that seems very like my life with my OH . I try to look at it in a detached problem solving way, but usually fail At present he is still working fulltime which he is clinging on to. But the day will come when something happens and he will be at home all the time.When he is home he dozes in the chair and never wants to go anywhere.
How do people keep themselves cheerful?

“DD’s garden of course.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/201804/medium-87991-feaf8149-1d46-4592-9efd-4cf45a527ad4.jpeg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/201804/medium-222975-901536d3-8769-4086-aff4-3657c167e492.jpeg

I suppose I cannot comment then farview because even when Paw was at his most poorly, so weak he could not walk the length of his own shadow, virtually housebound and at times unwilling to attend family occasions there was a perfectly good physical reason for it.
I am proud that he somehow managed to summon up the energy and courage for the last big family birthday celebration in DD’s garden he was able to go to before his final illness. (Not counting his own 70th just 6 weeks before he died when it was clear that the family would have to come to us and be prepared for him to retreat to bed if it all became too much)
“Joysucker” to me suggests an element of choice in the situation which IMO someone with Depression may not have.
I think I can understand the situation for many of you, but find the glee with which brickbats are being scattered at random by some, profoundly uncaring and saddening.
What happened to compromise? To caring about another’s capabilities? To accepting limitations and making the best of what is possible?
Yes I was cross sometimes whe Paw either didn’t want to go somewhere or wanted to leave early. It is only with hindsight I realise how ill he was because he never complained.
So by all means moan about your “miserable old gits” but be careful what you wish for.
(paw at the birthday lunch at DD’s, struggling round her harden on two sticks and at his own 70th birthday tea)

jan5954 your first paragraph am sure was about our house sorry maw but you have to live with a professional joysucker to realise the name fits!!

I despair as he is only 60 what will he be like in 20 years!

I do sympathise with the op - and lots of you, it is so hard living with someone who is basically so unconcerned with your happiness whatever the underlying causes. OH was diagnosed ‘officially’ with Alzheimer’s 18 months ago (five years after I knew what was wrong) he is now 61 and struggling with memory and sequencing although still physically independent. The DCs paid for us to go to Bruge for the weekend for my birthday a few years ago and it was the saddest weekend of my life - he just followed me around showing no interest in anything just passively doing whatever I suggested without really engaging with anything. Alzheimer’s means he has no initiative and never thinks about anyone else. He is ok if I have organised something for him or us to do but will otherwise do absolutely nothing, and is largely gloomy and uncommunicative. Holidays seem to be no longer possible as he gets upset if he is somewhere different, the last time we went away was for our daughters wedding and he woke up distressed and disorientated every morning worrying about our cat. By the time I had talked him into a more positive frame of mind I was emotionally exhausted! His mother suffered from Alzheimer’s from her late 50s but lived until she was 86 so I too worry about how I am going to cope for the next 20 years - leaving not being an option

I don't have a husband/partner like that....but I do have a friend, who complains about anything and everything and the common factor is money.....going to the movies is "have the prices gone up?", going out for a meal is "I'm not a big eater so can I share with you? " ....all she wants to do is visit each other and have a cuppa....she is more than happy to have me visit her everyday for millions of cuppas, but going out is a big no-no ....btw, if you get a chance to see "the greatest show/showman, don't miss it...lovely music and a great feel good story .

So sorry for you living with such a man.... I lived with a similar fellow for far too long and i am soooo glad I don't have to put up with such behaviour any more!!! I ended up depressed, no self-esteem , no friends! now I
enjoy life, have loads of friends and regret the years I wasted trying to make him happy.....

Telling us of DH's diagnosis of depression does change the picture but not all the Victor's are depressed. The thread has been a great support for those who have partners who are joysuckers and encouraged them to get on with living and enjoy their life with friends and family as well as setting down a few rules for the joy-suckers.

I get your point, "it never stops them watching sport."

Seasider, I do see how difficult this is, and I have also observed that some people with depression can verge on 'controlling' - I think without meaning to - because they like everything set up so that they can cope.
I hope you have found some of the replies helpful.

Living with someone with depression isnt easy, I doubt that your DH is enjoying his life at the moment and probably doesn’t know what he will enjoy until he gets there and then finds it too hard to cope with, or not.

I do hope he gets help and treatment for this as without it you are both in for a rough time. If he is on medication maybe a visit to the Doctors to have it adjusted would be a good idea.

However, I think that the advise that other GNrs have given, that you go out with friends and have a social life of your own is essential for you, otherwise you risk being dragged down as well, sympathy is needed, but you have to try to treat him as you would if he was well.

Only he can get himself better.( with a bit of help).

Babs49 and Seasider me too. Mine has no sense of humour and I get interminable lectures on what he finds interesting. His conversation is all about him and yes, a dementor who sucks all the joy out of almost anything by whinging about everything. I really get seasiders OP. Trouble is he is not essentially a nasty person.

Sorry I should have made it clear that he suffers from depression and I welcome Peeps alternative view but I would prefer he simply said he did not want to go. I do always offer him a get out clause as I say if you don't want to go that's fine but then he will turn it on me and say I don't want him to go! I can't win. I went on a course to learn more about depression and learned that some people with depression do not want to get better as they "enjoy" the attention.
I used to make excuses for DP at family events etc but I could not hide it forever so I am honest about his depression. It never stops him watching sport!

This gentleman really seems to be quite depressed and unwell. Could his meds be reviewed?

Sorry did not notice dh suffers from depression. In that case I would ask him what he wanted to do for treat out and try to ensure he got everything he wanted and then share theatre trip with a friend.

I am so sorry your dh tried so hard to spoil your day out and I hope he did not succeed. In future as suggested above I would arrange to go with a friend and leave him home alone to sulk. If he complains I would remind him of restricted leg room and high parking cost and agree to do something else with dh that he would definitely enjoy. Your dh sounds like a bit of a moaner and I would refuse to allow him to spoil my trips out.

Yet again replies have been based on OP’s initial information . Suffering from Depression is a whole different ballgame from “being a bit if a moaner” and harsh accusations of “emotional abuse”. Can it be described as “setting out deliberately to spoil Seasiders treat” Or a “spiteful, calculated strategy” etc
I really don’t think it can and Seasider will know better than most how these scenarios develop, which is why I am surprised at how it was presented and understood in the first place.
Would you criticise someone with Rheumatoid Arthritis ot Polymyalgia for not “keeping up” on a hike up Snowden?
Life is rarely as two dimensional as some people seem to think.
So could we at least let people have the relevant facts before comments are invited?