Kept from grands I need advice

When my sister preaches I just roll my eyes, now my children are grown they do the same, I've only once told my sister to back off, with my 5yr old son. But we just respect her religion and leave it at that.

I’m not a DiL and neither (glancing through the posters on this thread) are the majority who have replied.

Yes, we all emphasise with those in this position, even those who have brought it in themselves, because often they genuinely meant well. I expect Gamma thought she was spreading The Word and saving her son and family from eternal damnation.

Whether she realised that she was also sowing the seeds of estrangement is another matter.

Gamma I believe you when you say you don't know what you did wrong & visiting once in 3yrs is not stalking! You need to be aware that there are a lot of d.i.l's on here and they especially like the threads of estrangement!

Good grief! What churches do these people go to? If you don’t do as I do, you will be sorry, because Karma (!!!) will get you! ( sorry they are obviously mixing their religions here)

I despair, what happened to loving peopleand being nice and Christianly? this is religion at its very worse.

Bludgeon people with the Bible and then blame them for hating it, you and the message that you are trying (so very badly) to give them.

I don’t think that your family will ever be able to give you what you want, I think your Church can and that’s where you should focus your attention, although I hate to think that your congregation all have the same thought processes as you have.

However, as with some other Posters, you came on here to be proven right, not to get others advice on how awful YOU have made your situation, not your family and not your DIL,

YOU.

I agree Gummybear but it also says honour your mother & father But it's not about honour it's about love!

BlueBelle my children were brought up along side my sister's born again Christianism, no effect on them what-so-ever.

Yogagirl I think each case if different. Many who are cut out of lives genuinely feel confused and cannot understand why.

However in this particular case it is very obvious why. It’s not just the case of a selfish DiL. Indeed it is the grandmother who might well be ‘reaping what she has sown’ if we are to continue the biblical theme.

Luckygirl My sister is a born again Christian and sends me
verses from the bible all the time, to try and help and show me there is hope, there is someone watching over us all and that I shouldn't give up. Although I think he has forgotten me

Poor heartbroken Gamma I am in the same sad boat as you. Don't try to understand it all, there is no way you will. All I can say is try to leave the door open, send your little notes & cards to do this. I haven't seen my beloveds for 5.5yrs now, like you I didn't do anything to deserve this.

My daughter & granddaughter lived with me before my GD's stepdad came on the scene, but jealousy from him & his mother were the reason for me & the entire birth family of my D&GD being cut out . I would say this is the reason in your case too, your d.i.l, doesn't want to share her husband & children with you and refuses to recognise you as the mother of her husband & grandmother of her children, even though you are. Very cruel, very selfish, very heartless, one day Karma will knock on her door, one day she will reap what she has sawn, she has taught her children that when they are grown and have children of their own, out goes grandma!

I haven't read any post yet, but I will.
God Bess Gamma

Excellent post M0nica.

I m afraid it is your stubbornness over your religion that is ruining everything I wouldn’t want you round children either Your posts are full of it your religion should be between you and your God no one should ever need to know if you have a religion or not it should be private and you should not be trying to impose it on others I feel very sorry for your son it must be hard as I m sure he loves you but you need to back off entirely and never utter the word religion in front of them, if you are lucky enough to ever get to see them From the few posts you have made here I think your daughter in law has made the only decision she can make

Immagamma, you just do not get it do you? ^ my daughter in law and my son are Christians but they don’t act like it. Like I said I’ve raised my son better than to abandon his family and it’s hurtful^

You had already said He and my daughter in law (who I believe is mentally ill) are so unforgiving. I have gone as far to show up at their home and my own son asked me to leave! I just want to see my grandchildren!
and also I continue to send bible verses in the mail to their home. God does not like unforgiving people and they are turning away from him in excluding me.

Can you not see what judgmental, unkind and unchristian remarks those are. If you were the young mother with a MiL that can say things like that, would you want her anywhere near your children? Your son may well still love you but not want you anywhere near his children while you continue to act they way you do.

I write as a church going catholic so I understand about growing up with religious beliefs, but I would never ever, press my religious beliefs on my children. They were brought up catholics. Now, one is agnostic and has been since her early teens, the other is now a member of another christian denomination. It is and never has been an issue between us. I respect their decisions and treat them as the intelligent and thoughtful adults they are.
Your son is an adult and his religious beliefs are different to yours. You should respect that and not try to constantly force your beliefs on him.

I also ask why you think you have a right to see your grandchildren? Of course we all want to be close to our grandchildren, but none of us have any right to demand it. Our children are adults, their children are theirs and we only ever see our grandchildren with their parents consent. Usually where parents and their child and partner have a good relationship, this consent is given implicitly. But if you are constantly bombarding them with texts, calling round at the house and having to be told, legally, I assume, not to visit but you still want to do. They probably consider that you are the one that is mentally ill.

If you want to have any chance of ever seeing your grandchildren again, and it cannot be guaranteed. Then stop all your current activities. Leave your son and family alone. Find something else to occupy your mind However much you miss your grandchildren, and I understand that, push it to the back of your mind.

If you can succeed in this, perhaps after some years, your son will trust you enough to allow some contact.

Enough is enough?? Really?.

Is differing religious views somewhere at the bottom of this I wonder?

Immagamma - as the Bible obviously is very important to you, try to use it as a help in your difficult situation. For example, if you say the Lord’s Prayer sincerely, the line “thy will be done” indicates that it’s not what you want that’s important.

It’s hard to accept but I’ve found that things that don’t go my way in the short term sometimes work out long term.

Immagamma you speak as if you have a right to see your grandchildren whereas for any of us it is a privilege. If you can get past your own indignation and feelings that it’s all about you then maybe you can examine how you have been with your DS and DIL. You say you didn’t bring your son up to abandon his family and with all due respect he hasn’t! His family is now his wife and children and he is standing with them in the way he thinks is best. I don’t doubt that he misses you and regrets the turn things have taken but if you want any chance of ever resuming a relationship with him and his wife and the tinies then you must be willing to get down off the high horse and look at your own level of blame. Running your DIL down will NOT help heal the rifts surely you can see that? If the parents are both Christians I assume they are bringing the children up in the same way but maybe a different brand to yours? You sound pretty hardline do you come from the Bible Belt? Maybe they want a more relaxed upbringing for their children and your religious attitudes are not a comfortable fit

Why did they ask you to stay away for 2 years? You said that you respected those boundaries (which do seem extreme), but I’m wondering what happened for them to be put in place in the first instance?

You clearly don’t like your DIL, and haven’t helped matters with continued contact. Question is now; do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

It's not for you to decide when "enough is enough". You are EXTENDED family. If they're not ready that's not your call. From the sounds of it you've behaved very badly. Your son is doing what he needs to do to protect his family because you have demonstrated that you can't be trusted to respect their boundaries.

My daughter in law is so overly sensitive to everything

Can you give specific examples? That might give you your answer.

Also saying ‘i’m Sorry if you were offended’ isn’t an apology. Surely you can see that.

I’d stop with the bible verses. I’m an atheist but grew up attended a happy clappy church with some friends so quite like bible verses but many of my friends are freaked out by them. My husband is Northern Irish and doesn’t react well to religion.

You say enough is enough but it is up to them to decide . I agree with the others sending biblical text would be like a red rag to a bull in my opinion. Send some flowers and a letter tellling them that you realise you were wrong and really are sorry.

Unless you take some responsibility for the situation you will never change it.

I appreciate everyone posting here. The thing is, for two entire years I respected their wishes of not seeing, holding, my grandchild. They’ve since kept me from meeting a new child they’ve had and enough is just enough. I respected their boundaries for an entire two years.

I’m in America, yes. And my daughter in law and my son are Christians but they don’t act like it. Like I said I’ve raised my son better than to abandon his family and it’s hurtful

Are you American Immagamma? I know that Americans are more religious and more are regular churchgoers than in the UK, but even in the USA there are people who do not appreciate being bombarded by bible verses and it sounds as if that certainly applies to your son and his wife.

From my experience, you're not going to get very far with your son if you carry on calling is wife terrible, overly sensitive and mentally ill.

Being so judgemental about your sons wife THEN send Bible verses to them I'm an atheist so not big on religion but I thought Christians were ment to be, kind?

I think that, at least 4 years ago, you had the choice between being an Evangelist for your faith or having what most people would call a ‘normal ‘ relationship with your family, and keeping your faith to yourself.

Sadly you chose the former and unless you can accept that they do not want to be preached at, then I’m afraid that you will have to accept their wishes.

Can you speak to your Vicar? Maybe he can talk you through this and help you to see how your actions are making you so unhappy, rather than placing the blame on your DIL.