Only son syndrome?

I am so sorry Sheilasue - I must have been typing as your post came up for I had not read it. I apologise. My post must have seemed very insensitive to you. And I am sorry for what happened to your son.

This is an interesting post on the back of the weekend I have just had. I have 3 children, 2 girls and the youngest (now 32) a boy. The boy brought his (first serious) girlfriend for the weekend to meet us all for the first time. They are planning on moving in together. We had a lovely night out at a Mexican restaurant, all 5 of us. She is just right for him. He is clearly the happiest he has ever been. However, I woke in the middle of the night after the meal, having had a horrendous nightmare where the girlfriend was physically attacking him. It was most unnerving. I woke in the morning thinking OMG, I need to get a right hold of myself and Let my wee boy son Go. I really am wholeheartedly happy he has met his girlfriend and will support them both in any way I can, always. But isn't the unconscious a powerful thing! LOL
My experience echoes that of MOnica and have a lovely MIL, her son being an only child.

Sheila, no words can comfort you but you are in my thoughts.

Sheilasue, that is so sad and I don't know how you cope with such a tragedy. I am so sorry you have had to go through this.
eazybee, I agree with you to a certain extent but there are things my husband finds quite hard to understand because of his background of being an only child. For example, he finds the connections between my siblings very difficult to understand as he has never had to cope with sibling rivalry, having a different relationship with them from other people as you will likely accept more from them where you would walk away from others who weren't family, etc. This extends down the family to nieces and nephews because he has none and doesn't always get why we have to afford them almost the same care as we do our own children. There are just so many things that come from being from a big family which is just so alien to him. It makes him sound spoiled and selfish; he's not. It just isn't second nature to him so sometimes things need explaining.

My DH was the only son of 4 children but my DMiL was amazing. She even offered me a pound of tea to marry him . I am so lucky that my DDiL is everything I would choose in a DiL.

I imagine they marry the first partner who will have such precious spoilt wonderful sons!!. I have an only son and an only daughter.....I know all their faults AND all their plus points. Luckily the plus points out way the faults. Don’t think my son will marry...but if he did I hope I’d show compassion for a DIL ...my SIL is ok, not great...but good enough!

Found reading your threads interesting. My son wasn’t an only child but he was our only boy. He’s p was from hell
She had mental health issues and was violent to him but he wouldn’t leave because of his d.
She killed him 10 years ago. It was domestic abusive.
We were always trying to support and help but in the end
I begged him to leave but he wouldn’t.

MissAdventure my GPS moved in with us as they got older and it was very civilised as DGF was so lovely. Funny old world isn't it! DGM was very territorial over many things and even her daughter, my aunt, was amazed when I was allowed to use her sewing machine. It is all a necessity to live and let live and watch the world go round.

Disclaimer: If anyone else has said this, I apologise.

When I met the man who ultimately became my husband, he said I reminded him of his mother. I took that as a compliment. She was one of the best women.

If a man marries a witch, perhaps it's because she reminds him of his mother! Controlling, possessive mother's take note! ?

I dislike it when people start categorising other people by their rank in the family, probably because I am an only child, and we are regarded as fair game for anyone.
There are difficult women, and men, who turn into the in-laws from hell, and also into dreadful sons and daughters-in-law. Very rarely has it anything to do with their position in their birth family; it is due to their nature and disposition, and also a resentment that anyone else should have influence over their loved one.

My late husband was an only son and my mum in law was lovely, she was more of a mum to me than my own mother was -took me a while to get used to being treated with affection (my own mother was very cold emotionally) but I did and I miss my mum in law very much. My son is an only son and, when he announced he was getting married and moving to the USA I felt relieved that a) at last he was settling down and b) my d-i-l to be was willing to take him on! I no longer get phone calls with him moaning down the phone about having no money/being thrown out of his flat/etc My d-i-l works hard to keep him and had three jobs on the go at one stage (he still hasn't obtained USA citizenship even though he has been there 6 years now and hasn't held a job since he left the UK) and she went back to work only a few weeks after my granddaughter was born as they don't have the same support for maternity leave over there.

On the issue of "only sons" - I'm an "only son, only child" mum, & I brought up DS to be independent, loving, useful, and considerate of others (amongst other qualities.) He was the only one in his scout group who could organise the cooking! DiL once said to me "he's very cuddly" (she meant this positively, in terms of his affection.) Surely it all depends on the parent(s) rather than on "family position"?

As the long term wife of an only child, the observation I would make is AVOID an only child at all costs. My mother in law admitted to me she’d spoiled him. Oh how right she was!

I married an only son whose mother absolutely adored him; he could do no wrong. There were times when she could tell me off if she thought I was criticising him but, for the most part, I thought it was a big joke so didn't take it seriously. On the other hand, if I went out of the way to care for her boy, she thought I was wonderful so there was a silver lining. On the whole she was a brilliant MIL and I think we respected one another. I know I thought the world of her.
I used to take offence that she sometimes wanted her boy to herself and would send the odd invitation which excluded me. However, I have to say that now my sons are older (and my daughters) it is sometimes nice to have their company without the partner or children and whilst I wouldn't put any pressure on them to give me that time, I am thrilled when it happens.

My sister's MiL was vile to her for years. My sister went on to nurse her FiL, the aforesaid Mil, and her DH's sister who had been confined to a wheelchair since childhood. I often wonder if the Mil thought about how she had behaved.

Mum of 2 boys and 1 daughter, step-mum of 2 boys. 3 boys married and 1 living with girlfriend. The 'un-married' 'DIL has such a chip in her shoulder, as he will not marry her even though they have a child ( he was married, then met her which consequently broke up his marriage). This is the 3rd we have been excommunicated by her, 2yrs 4mths this time. SS speaks to us but is not allowed to bring GC to see us. She just does not like us, nothing I can do. It hurts, we have 5 other GC and are close to them as well as the DIL's. DD's new partner is lovely and he has blended into our family. I guess what I am trying to say is just because someone loves your child/step-child doesn't mean that they will automatically love/like you!!

What do others think, Sparkly 1000? I think your son isn't married to one. Good description though - describes my DIL perfectly. I am not interfering, and I have a DD as well as one DS. The personality type you describe can occur in both sexes, but statistically I gather happens to apply to more females than males. Staying in a relationship with them is destructive to both parties, and the inevitable break up is upsetting to all concerned, including the paternal grandparents of the children of the resultant broken family. Brainwashing is almost a suitable word for the effect a controlling partner has on a person. I think people post about it on here because they are at their wits end, often being prevented from seeing their only child and grandchildren. Just because it appears on here a lot doesn't mean they are making out there is a problem when there isn't, but rather that the members with offspring in functioning relationships don't bother to start posts about it.

Turf wars ! Let go or be dragged. We don't have to like people but the language used on here about in laws, sometimes shocks me. Very few people are evil. They just have different points of view and different family cultures.

Synonymous I agree with your original post. We have a D and a S and we get on famously with their partners. Being a MIL has never been an issue. I guess we're very lucky as I read some awful stories on this site.

I didn't always have the easiest of relationships with my MIL who always referred to my husband as 'Son' never by his name which I always found odd. As the years went by and I learned more about what she had been through I understood her better and so could make allowances. I was determined not to be the stereotypical MIL. We are just friends and I'm delighted that the AC chose so wisely.

I married any only child only son. I also got a nightmare MIL in the deal who loathed and despised any female that her son spent time with, and was not afraid to show it. Beware the only son - for some women it's a challenge similar to stealing a tiger's cub. My DS (not an only child) has married a delightful person who is not perfect but I am pretty glad about that as she wouldn't tolerate my odd ways.

My late DH was an only child and he had the loveliest parents you could ever imagine. He grew up in a loving home and he knew how a marriage should work as his mum and dad set such a good example of a loving relationship. Think they were just thankful that he'd met someone!

My mum ended up looking after her mother in law, so they called a kind of truce, I suppose.
My Nan always insinuated that my dad became a bit 'wild' once he married my mum.
By 'wild' she meant that he once let his hair grow almost to his collar.

I am afraid DM didn't like her MIL every much but she was always patient and nice to her albeit through gritted teeth! Amazing really as my GM also said things like, "Poor soul, she does her best" Fortunately my mother and I were able to have a very good laugh about it all - sometimes with the tears rolling down our cheeks as she was such a good mimic. Funnily enough I loved them both in spite of the 'verbals'!

I can't imagine mother in laws getting away with it these days, synonymous.
Your poor mum!

MissAdventure my very modest and shy mother was less fortunate than yours as her MIL praised her "good child bearing hips" to all and sundry!