When is a marriage over

I have every empathy for you, but if you don’t have a truthful two way conversation with him you can’t really make an informed decision for either of you. It’s never easy but bite the bullet & start the conversation, best wishes.

Firstly stop doing all that stuff that makes you so resentful and tell him he needs to step up if he is at home all day. Can you manage financially if you stop work or go part time? How close are you to retirement? I retired early at the end of last year. My DH has a very time consuming hobby but if there are things I want to do I just go ahead and do them either with a friend or on my own. You cannot rely on anyone even a DH or DW to make the best of your life. My DH will do stuff with me or go on holiday but I need to make an appointment LOL. If you voiced your unhappiness to your DH what would his response be?

On dear, I feel for you Vauxhall58 & HAZBEEN. I've been going through a similar situation for the past few years, although he still works & I'm self employed / semi retired. I was a fool when younger, working full time, bringing up my kids (not his though they lived with us) trying to do all the housework, shopping,cooking etc. and now I'm older and at home more he just expects to be waited on hand & foot. Unless I make a real fuss he never moves from the TV & sofa in the evenings or at weekends apart from to eat, shower & sleep. If I suggest an outing or a weekend away he's always 'not bothered '(his way of saying no). Hardly ever have sex, it can be months & months and we don't even very often sleep in the same bed anymore. So.... I just got a life of my own, am frequently out with friends and away on holidays & mini breaks. The house is a tip when I get back but I just clean up & look forward to my next outing! Why do I stay? Because our relationship is now more of employee (he pays the household bills) & housekeeper ( which is how I earn my keep). I don't actually hate him and very occasionally we'll have a laugh, I don't want to upset the family dynamic for the DC & DGC, I can more or less do whatever & go wherever I please and know from experience that the grass isn't always greener.....

Vauxhall could his attitude be over a lack of sex?

If I read your post correctly there's been none for 6 years as it's you that's not interested, because he doesn't turn you on anymore. Perhaps in his mind he thinks he won't do anything for you to spite you?

If you are hesitant to take the other advice on here, why not go away for a week’s holiday? See what happens when you return - has he missed you, did he cope with cooking etc? Did you feel dread at having to go back? If so, leave him.

Cant he help during the day when you are working, then settle down with a clear consience in the evening and watch sport then, he may need to be more active, and helping you is a start.
Good luck

It sounds like you have very good reasons to be unhappy and feel dissatisfied. Some people just can't change their ways...others need a lot of prodding or a ruthless shake up to motivate change. Either way, your husband appears to be insensitive to your needs and clueless about how you feel.

Does he deserve to be blind sighted? Only you can answer that, but after twenty years of marriage, I would at least give him a 'heads up'!

M0nica Yes, dental care is one thing that you get with pension credit but not with a standard state pension.

Saggi, if you left, as well as your state pension you would be entitled to Pension Credit, which would bring your weekly income up to £160. You will also be entitled to Housing Benefit, which will cover most of your rent and the same help with Council Tax. If you are on Pension Credit, it is often surprising all the other odd bits of help you can get, there is some some help with fuel bills directly from fuel suppliers, help to make your new home energy efficient. all kinds of things.

It might be worth a few sessions with Relate before you give up on the relationship altogether. I agree with the person whose husband said all he might need is to be 'kicked into touch.' Up until now you have not actively challenged him.

Often as time goes on in our marriages/partnerships, it is difficult to sustain the level of companionship formerly enjoyed anyway because of long-term health limitations. My long term partner of twenty years plus understands that I can get very tired and stressed with caring responsibilities. However, he never lets me forget that I am the most important person in his life; encourages me to have outside interests; and helps to fund occasional holidays with my women friends, both of which give me much needed breaks. It makes a big difference never to be taken for granted - which seems to me to be one of the main problems here.
I don't blame you at all for feeling bored, fed up and frustrated - you have every right to be all of these. But speak up before you break up!

Saggi - a divorcing wife is entitled to part of the husband's occupational pension. You do not have just your state pension.
No-one should be tied to a partner and made to feel how these women describe.

I’d say that the answer depends on how old you are.
I am now sixty five. This is my fourth full-on relationship. I am proud to say that I was brave enough to see that a relationship wasn’t working and to not get to my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary with sadness in my heart for the lost years.
Now that I am sixty five, I know this relationship isn’t perfect but do I want to upsticks? Well, it depends on what you are looking for.
Living in a house with two incomes coming in is comfortable. What is it in the marriage that doesn’t work? Could one override those problems and still have a happy life? Is sex important to your future happiness? What does your partner give which is useful – maybe he’s / she’s the only driver, maybe he / she is a passionate DIY person, maybe you hate cooking but your partner loves it.
Later in life, there are so many ‘other’ things to consider. For example, do I want to split our assets and then have to go into a mortgage again? Can I still have my pleasures, while my partner has his hers?

Later in life, the picture of needs changes. Look at your ‘whole life picture’ and work out what is best.

If you have to ask, I think it's over.

Do you do things without him ? You say every weekend you watch the same things on tv why not go out without him ? Or do you just sit waiting for him to change ? If you’re sure you don’t love him ( I m saying that because you said I think) then be honest with him and move on you can’t stay if there’s no love or care because that’s unfair on you both
Does he know how you feel you say he won’t engage in talking well write it down leave it for him and tell him if he wants to discuss it you will or else you will make your plans to leave

I was going to ask if your mortgage was paid off and if you did separate, if you could both afford to buy a smaller property.

Now I see you are in a council property. I have no idea what that would mean for your future accommodation, but I am sure someone at the council would advise you.

From what you have said it sounds s though the marriage is over, so you need to think about your future.

Do you have a decent pension and savings? That would make the decision a lot easier.

When is a relationship over? when you no longer want to share a life together and be with that person.

I stayed far too long in my first marriage. I was unhappy but just stayed there because I felt I had made a commitment for life. Then I found my husband had cheated on me and in my eyes that brakes the contract. So I started divorce proceedings when my children were 18, 16 1/2 and 8. It was tough and he did not make it easy for me but the relief once he left wasWe sold the house split it 50/50 and went our separate ways. I eventually remarried and he had a string of girlfriends none of who lasted more than 6 months and then eventually settled on living with a a woman 6 years older than him and who by her own admission does not cook. It is ironic as when married to me demanded I had cooked meal on table for him within 10 mins of him getting home each night. If you don't want to be together why make yourself be unhappy? In my view it is pointless. Looking back I am so glad my ex h had the affair.

What attracted you to this man in the first place?
Can you look back and say you want to feel that way again? If so then counselling will help. If your husband is not willing to participate then your marriage is over.
C A will give you free advice and they should be your first step.

Did your husband expect you to do all the housework while he was working, or is this something new?

A lot of men apparently react this way when they retire, and refusing to acknowledge the problem or discuss it with their wife is also very common.

Only you can decide whether your marriage is over, or worth trying to save. I don't think I would want to go on if my DH was sitting on his beam end doing d---n all and never interested in sex.

Does your husband realise that you are seriously considering divorce? If not, tell him so in words that he cannot misunderstand, but please do take the advice the others have given about looking into what you are entitled to if you opt for divorce.

Firstly, tell him you are no longer willing to be his servant while still working full time and have no social life or quality times to look forward to. He's now the stay at home husband so should be doing the majority of the household tasks while you are at work and then other things should be shared when you are home. If he refuses to discuss it then just stop cooking or washing for him and say you are going to start living a single life. Go where you please, when you please and don't tell him what you are up to. Is your salary equal to his pension? Pay your share of the household bills pro rata and let him sort himself out re meals etc. See a solicitor for a free half and hour and speak to the council re single accommodation for both of you. Can you afford a singles holiday? Try 'Just You', you will meet some interesting people on their holidays but they are not cheap. Get yourself out of the house in the evenings and weekends as much as possible and start a new life. Why have you let this situation go on for so long!

Could you contact the council and ask what the housing situation would be if you left?

Thank you for your replys they are helpful. We rent we live in a council bungalow so no joint property yes I could talk to him about all this I did several years ago it changed for a few months then went back to doing the same thing He is not depressed he lives being at home watching the telly watching the sport watching repeats in the dvd every weekend like he has a thing with James Bond film now so every bloody weekend it’s the film and I give in for a quiet life we have no children only pets . I don’t know what is best really

I live in exactly the same marriage as you. Except mine won't even listen when I speak. He gets up and locks himself in the bathroom until as he puts it"I've stopped ranting on "... we have been married 45 years.... he has been like this for most of them and the last fifteen have been horrendous. I only have my state pension although I worked for 46 years 'we ' could never afford a private pension for me, ( I paid my wages into joint account which he holds sway over'.I now cannot afford to move out as my pension won't stretch to even basics.... He does nothing in house or garden...won't cook, clean, shop...he never goes out unless to doctors. I hate my existence and he knows it as I sometimes catch him watching me and 'sniggering'. So Vauxhall 58 .... run..run..run before like me your dead inside and screaming!

GariellaG is absolutely right. I'm sure its scary making a life changing move, but if you are that unhappy move on....life's too short. I did, although when I was younger....and have never looked back.

Well I am recently divorced. My wife asked me for a divorce and that was that
Now we are very good friends and we even go away in trips together and sleep in the same bed
She is not bothered about the sexual aide and neither am I.
So it suits us both .

Spot on HillyN life can be much harder on your own. Vauxhall If you can’t you make a social life for yourself now, what makes you think you will be able to do it when you are living by yourself? My marriage ended after 28 years, much against my wishes. I was very lucky and met a lovely man who I’ve now been with for 17 years but I feel quite jealous when I see couples who have been together for a lifetime and share children, grandchildren etc. Our friends who have been together for years are also so much better off financially than us, have nicer houses, holidays etc!