Please stop me losing it with grumpy daughter.

Hi
I have much the same carry on with my DDs. I am all that is bad one minute and the go to person the next.
I have wondered if it is all the pressure to have a nice house and a car each with all the extras like Sky and Netflix etc.
I have also thought that there is pressure to conform to all the standards the young people set themselves. They must have this perfect totally clean house.
It is said that our generation would not have dared speak to our parents the way we are spoken to, I believe this to be true and wonder if it is the result of banning smacking and the belt at school. Spare the rod and spoil the child who grows into a spoiled adult.
I have been expected to dash miles to pick up a child or some other errand. It really got out of hand when I was asked to get out of bed in the middle of the night to go some errand. (Had it been a medical situation I would not be complaining now) I have had so much shouting and criticising that I lost confidence in all areas of life.
I had a problem myself recently and asked for some help I was told NO. Next day I was asked to comply with a demand. I was not feeling great from the day before so I said NO. I am now persona non gratis! It is sad and I miss my DGC but the peace in my life is brilliant and I am regaining confidence.
We have to each decide what we are prepared to tolerate to remain included. I think you have to decide if you think this conduct is acceptable or an acceptable way to treat parents. The final straw was that I realised that I was only communicated with when a demand was being made. I was never just contacted for a chat or asked to go somewhere for a coffee and cake (I would have been paying). I found my breaking point.
Perhaps you could try talking to your DD and see if she will listen and understand how you feel about her conduct.
I hope it goes well for you

Is there any possibility that she could be on the autistic spectrum?Our children tended not to be diagnosed and it is not so obvious in girls as they adopt strategies to cope but her lack of social skills in relating to her sisters and her inability to "read" people when it comes to you suggests there may be a problem which would be exacerbated when she was having difficulty in her own relationship with her partner.When she is on an even keel perhaps you could tell her how you feel from a gentle perspective.

I am sorry your DD is taking out her negative feelings on you. I agree that talking to her in a non confrontational way may help her understand your point of view.

It sounds as if her relationship is on the rocks and as her nearest and dearest you are getting the brunt of her unhappiness at the moment. You are not there to be a battering ram for her relationship woes. I agree with your DH in that she is obviously on a short fuse at the moment. It is positive that she does appreciate you though with the odd thank you card and lunches out.

I personally would make allowances for the fact that her relationship is obviously making her unhappy but I would not stand for rudeness. I think if she snapped at me I would just say "there is no call for that, I was just asking you to clarify whatever so I know what it is you want me to do"

I hope things improve soon.

Indeed it sounds as though this lass is struggling with a failing relationship and is running on a very short fuse. She knows you are someone who is always there and will love her whatever. All you can do is be that person till the situation is resolved.

It is so sad when our offspring are going through a bad time.

try to let her moods go over your head,its not easy but it does make life simpler if there are no major fall outs.My lovely daughter was hell to live with during her marital problems and divorce..it was harder because they didn't tell us they were having problems..or rather she didn't tell us he was sleeping with anything that moved including her best friend
You know what the roblems are with her so let her know you're willing to help but she must try to stay positive and not take it out on you .Its great she has you and her dad as support and there will come a day when she will tell you how much she appreciated it..just not now when she's having a tough time .Hope it settles a bit for you all,it's not easy for any of you.

Washerwoman you said I haven't even raised the subject of their row and what she said to her dad

This seems strange to me because if either of my daughters had opened up about such a big problem, my immediate reaction would be to set up a quiet time, just the two of us, so that she could pour her heart out. It would not be my intention to tell her what to do or offer advice, just a chance for her to be supported and know that I was there for HER whatever.

This may not be the way your family dynamics usually work, but if your DD was expecting/hoping for some support over this big issue, it might explain why she is being somewhat short with you.

Mothers and Daughters .....I don't think it's all that it's cracked up to be. All this 'my mum is my best friend' certainly doesn't apply to me and my daughter. We do not see eye to eye on anything. We argue and makeup, the cycle goes on. I feel jealous when I see how close my daughters inlaw are to their mothers, but those are the lucky few.
The problem is we have both got emotional baggage, both divorced, but regardless, we have never been "close" , but we love each other....I will give my life for her, just as I would for my boys and I'm sure she would, not give her life for me, but be there for me in case I need her help .
Anyway, all the best to everyone xx

Thanks for all the replies.Have woken ridiculously early as 'on duty' soon with the little one soon,which will be the briefest of handovers eith no chance to talk to DD.GRANNY23 yes I would normally be the one to let her pour her heart out,would even seek her out to do that.And have done so umpteen times over the years,there's always been twice the angst than her sisters put together tbh even before this relationship .But in this instance DH went round to listen,to give me a break and also because this time it was him she rang when upset.When I get a chance to sit quietly with a coffee I will fully digest all your comments as some very useful ones and reply.Right this moment already tired with a busy day ahead .
Ps WESTERLY sorry to hear how your confidence has been battered and your estrangement. That's precisely what I'm trying to avoid ,and why I appreciate ideas.Will return !

Well at yesterday hand over DD was her 'normal ' self,asking how I was ,asking how my frail mum is for the first time in ages and gave me a hug.I'm ashamed to say I did stiffen a bit and was just a bit business like regarding what DCG was to have to eat after nursery etc.Then I got a cheery call on her way home from work ,she did also ask for some extra babysitting this weekend as they both have to work.Normally I'm very forgiving,but somehow feel bruised and battered by the last bumpy patch.
The autism thing is interesting. Not making light of such a serious issue but DH and I have sometimes pondered if her partner is on the spectrum.Now as he's not a great communicator and his time keeping is shocking which frequently messes us about - another source of tension between them.But he has improved,and seems to recognise more it's frustrating for other people who are only trying to help.That's part of the problem in that DD has a cycle of losing it with him,then defending him and closing ranks.But I appreciate he's her primary relationship and only she can decide wether to persevere.All we can do is be there to support.However it's also interesting in regards for DD because it's made me realise over the years there have been many instances where I've wondered why she behaves / reacts the way she does.She can be very thoughtful and warm company and then it's almost like a switch goes and she has an empathy / sense of humour and perspective bypass.
She mentioned on the phone that she had had a session with a counsellor at work.Apparently they provide sessions through her job,which is in a very acute part of the health service - another pressure on her - and that she'd talked about her tricky relationship with her partner's mum.Another issue !When I expressed surprise and said I thought it was counselling for work related issues she said 'no we can talk about anything'So that's a real positive I feel.

If you have never previously thought your daughter may be on the ASD I wouldn't get worried about that currently.
It sounds as though her relationship is again going through a difficult period. She's emotionally and psychologically drained and probably anxious and depressed.
It's good to know she's making use of the counselling sessions available via her work.
It seems that generally, our generation offer more practical, emotional and financial support that we were given by our parents. One of the spin offs from that is we know so much more about their lives and relationships. It can be a challenge to negotiate it all.

Hi Washerwoman
Thank you for your comments. I had put up with a lot from both DDs over a period of 20 years. I have health problems which will never be cured, I also have other stuff like very high blood pressure which increases when I have to deal with the demand and pressure. In order to get my blood pressure down and avoid strokes and heart attacks, (I have already had these) the best thing I can do for me is to avoid the situations. There is no need for all the shouting and criticising. Like you I watched my DDs change from reasonably calm to totally off the scale in a short space of time. It is just all too much. I did all I could I put up with as much as I could I tried never to ask them for things like coming to appointments with me and I was refused. I felt I have to do as I am told or the big blackmailing threat of not being able to see the DGC starts yet again. Not only are they being cruel to me they are being horrible to their children. I fear for one child in particular but that is the child of the most temperamental DD who can be violent.
It is not what I saw my life as at this age
Hope you get your situation to work for you

It's not easy is it? Whoever said 'a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son until he finds a wife' doesn't live in my world.

Some sad posts. OP to me your DD sounds depressed brought on by her relationship problems and modern day pressures of working and being a Mum! Yes I know WE did it but we (or I ) didn’t expect cars each, holidays abroad, iPhones, computers. My kids got simple things for presents and no designer clobber.

In addition it seems to be a given that our generation become additional parents! At our school gates it is mainly all grandparents!

However as much as I help I refuse to be taken for granted or used as a punch bag. If any of my children start ranting at me through stress I tell them I will come back when they want to talk reasonably then I walk away. Doesn’t usually take long for the ‘sorry Mum’ call. Have no idea what I would do if it didn’t come mind you. ?Probably still go and do the babysitting? But seriously give her space and try not to take it personally

Oh meant to add. I wouldn’t try to sort out her relationship problems or give advice. It is something she needs to do alone. I would just let her speak to you about it as and when and offer support as you are able. Never criticise her husband lol. (Well not until he’s out of the picture completely at least ?)

Thanks Bluegal. No I wouldn't criticise her partner.Actually DH and I don't dislike the lad,and our house was more of a home to him for several years before they got their own place.He does work very long hours and has his good points ,and does adore their little girl.So as you say I'm quietly determined to help where I can ,but not be used as that punchbag.DD did talk about reducing her hours and I think the next time she's receptive to a chat I will see if she's still considering that.Tbh her partner earns well and I'm sure they would manage ,and if it made her less tired and grumpy it could help them both.That said in the next breath she said about possibly going for a more senior post,and upgrading her car!She not into buying lots of clothes ,makeup etc.And they have some second hand furniture and don't go out for meals very often so that are not as materialistic as many young couples.Tbh even when she was little she was like the girl in the nursery rhyme .When she was good,very very good.When she was bad,horrid !On the other hand I've just had a lovely relaxing weekend with older DD coming overnight ,and for a lovely long walk.The bonus of 3 DC'S. Even if one is driving you crazy at least one of the others is excellent company,so it could be a lot worse !

EXACTLY where I am Washerwoman! If one of my children is causing me grief, another will be fabulous! It changes all the time so I don’t take any of the “moods” personally. I just distance myself until it’s passed. As I said... you are you and adult children need to recognise you are not there to be treated badly. From what you have said I think your daughter does realise when she is being horrid so just let it go, help where you can and assert yourself when you can’t. X