Families

Oh you poor soul! I haven't endured this myself but I know someone who has. I also know someone who went through counselling because she blamed all her problems on her unhappy childhood.
Surely a lot of what and who you are is in your genes. I have discussed this with friends whose children are adopted and there is only so much you can change by upbringing they say.
I can't think how you can repair this now apart from at least letting your son know how sad it makes you.
Did you have other children later, I wonder? If you did this could impact on your son's behaviour.

If he has told you that everybody hates you, don’t waste any more of your life trying for a relationship.
He sounds as if he has the problem, not you.
Hard as it is, let him go, he is 55.
Tbh if my son had told me this, I wouldn't want any more to do with him unless an apology and an explanation were forthcoming.

Thank you Grammaretto and lemongrove for your comments. I had another son 5 years later who died of a heart complication when he was a baby and then a daughter who is wonderful. I have three gorgeous grandchildren from her. I have also been widowed twice and married again 8 years ago to a lovely man. My son was angry at that and has never acknowledged him. We moved last year to be near her and the children as she is on her own, although she has a very good relationship with her ex. She was also cut off by her brother and he's never asked after her or wants anything to do with her or her family. There is a 7yr age gap and whereas she has always been a warm caring person, my son has always been cold and uncaring. At the back of my mind there is always the thought that I have made him like this so its my fault. I think this time I'm ready to cut off. I talked to her today and she is angry how much he has upset me again but understands why I keep trying. I have people who love me so I'll just give up I think, I won't get an apology, that never ever happens. Thanks again.

I agree with Lemon Grove. Sounds like your son has the problem! You did your best and that is all anyone can ask. Don’t continue to beat yourself up about his formative years. You were still a child yourself.

Actually he could have had two totally indulgent parents and still had issues of some sort!

I would probably just write him and the children a letter, telling them plainly and simply how much it hurts that they hate you and want no contact. That you will respect their wishes, will always think of them and they know where you are if things change in the future. Words to that effect i.e not too much waffling or attributing blame etc.

Then I would get on with enjoying my life with the rest of my family and friends

My heart goes out to you but stay strong. Sending hugs

Your son has the problem not you and he is using these cat and mouse techniques to get even with you and exercise power over you.

Let him be. If he contacts you make a non-committal reply. nice to hear from you glad things are OK, love Mum so that there is nothing he can get a handle on and if he tries to work you up just delete the email and do not reply or acknowledge at all, neither to defend nor attack. There is nothing more dispiriting to a trouble maker than no-one taking any notice of them.

You clearly have a lovely DD and DGC. Concentrate on them and leave your son to enjoy his misery (and he clearly is enjoying it) on his own.

Traveling, It's 1a.m. And I can't sleep. Then I read your post and I did not feel alone...... 3 children, almost 6 grandchildren , I should be the happiest grandma. BUT NO.....I am in the middle of a family puddle and I could be swallowed in the mud any minute. There are 4 gossipy women in this awful family setup. My ex's wife, my dils and my daughter. They also gossip with each other. I keep myself to myself and yet my D blames me for everything....but worst of all , somewhat similar to what you experienced, she said she did not like me and that's why I'm the last person she confides in..I gave her the wrong advice after she graduated. She says her dad gave her the right advice. And to think, he has been out of their life for well nigh 20 years. The daughter in laws were instrumental in bringing him and ex wife ( who they like very much) into the fold so to speak.. I feel I am the outsider....my younger dil has been very kind to me, making sure I see the grandchild etc, but today my D told me that she really didn't like me but she was putting up with me for her husband 's (my son ) sake. My heart really broke. I live on my own...I can't talk to anyone because no one will understand the live- hate relationship with my children ...especially my D.
So chin-up Travel, there's many of us struggling with our daily lives. Wonder what we have done to deserve this . Chin up Traveling

Thank you all for your thoughtful messages, its really helped me. Crazy H I feel so sad for you, it must be horrendous when even ex wives get involved. Your daughter sounds like my son. Its hard to understand how people get pleasure out of spreading unhappiness and spite when the normal (I think) way of life it to be kind and thoughtful and not hurt anyone and if you hear nasty comments keep them to yourself.
It was years before I could confide in anyone about the situation. My oldest friends of course knew but have never understood how it could happen in our family. With newer people I only told them I had a daughter and three grandchildren but that sense of failure built up and thats why I got in touch. I did write a couple of days ago, not anything antagonistic but I don't think I'll hear again and in time I'll let it go. I'm so thankful for this site and appreciate that you have given me advice.
To dear Crazy, thank you for the flowers (I'd send you some back but don't know how to) maybe your daughter is lying to upset you. Please write to me again if you need someone to talk to. I hope things get better for you. Hugs

Thankyou Travel.....I am feeling very down today. Just staying in bed, because I hardly slept last night.
I wish I was far, far away from all this. We all live within a 5 mile radius, that's the biggest problem.......I have to withdraw from all of them ....the situation is getting very toxic. I usually go to my younger son's house on Sundays, to see the baby, but after what my daughter said yesterday, I have decided to keep away. My dil is pregnant and i don't want to put her under any stress. The phone lines might have been quite hot yesterday'. Sorry to say, I think my daughter is a stirrer. Talk again Travel. I have so many things to do, but don't feel like it....must push myself xx

Oh mi goodness Crazy. I think you need to start a separate thread as both of you need help here.

I don’t have any solution to your problems and cannot begin to understand it all. All I can say is look after number 1. By that I mean look to what you HAVE got and not what you haven’t!

I am at a loss for words to advise exactly WHY your children behave as they do. I can’t even offer any possible reasons. If you really can’t accept the situation maybe speaking to a trained counsellor May help? They can dig deeper? But for me I would just accept the things I cannot change and ENJOY my life regardless. May seem harsh but as is often said this is not a rehearsal at life. You do what you think is right at the time and if it doesn’t suit then tough! No going through the rest of your life trying to please and win points.

By the age of 55 most adults have begun to accept their parents' perceived shortcomings and to realise that they have to take some responsibility for how their lives have turned out - and he seems to have done well for himself, and that will be partly due to you and partly to him, so why reproach yourself?

I think your marriage 8 years ago might be an important factor - 8 years seems to feature strongly in your original post.

I really think that you have to let this go - so hard I know, but you do have many people who love you and it does sound a bit as though you are "flogging a dead horse" and giving yourself grief.

I do know that some people feel guilty about their teenage pregnancies; but really I do not think this is appropriate. Like all of us, you did your best as a parent - there is no more that any of us can do.

Focus on the positive aspects of your life, of which there seem to be many.

Thank you all for taking the trouble to write. I had a very long letter from my son the other day full of sarcasm and hatred. It was largely because I explained about my pregnancy and his father and grandparents as we had never discussed it. None of them wanted anything to do with us or helped in any way although they were well off. It made supporting us very hard as I obviously didn't earn much. His email said I was always criticising people and it must have been very hard for them, and probably me. He said he would continue to write if I wanted to keep in touch but I might not always like what he had to say.
I was in total shock. It was so toxic and had no empathy for me at all.
The 8 years is a factor, I met my present husband and got married. My son refused to meet him or come to the wedding and then wouldn't let me see the children because they thought I was acting irresponsibly and didn't want anything to do with me.
This is the end of it for me, I won't ever contact him again, I've deleted all the emails and day by day try to forget the things he said but my mind keeps going back. I'm angry now not upset and that will go. I'll take your collective advice and concentrate on the people who love me.

So sorry to hear of problems with your son Travel.

You said your son has done well for himself and his wife came from a well to do family, so I wonder if he's become a bit of a snob, is ashamed of his upbringing and wants to take it out on you? You missing the BBQ 8 years ago, as well as remarrying, has given him the excuse they need to cut you out of their life.

He clearly has issues over something, but at 55 years of age I would've thought he might have the maturity to understand your early situation with more compassion.

Thank you Windyweather, I think you're right. He used to be embarrassed by my being much younger than other mothers and his wife's family seemed the perfect family to him and they only socialised with each other. His late MiL had never worked and was widowed same time as me but wanted her family round her all the time, from 25 years ago.it was from then the cracks came as I had no one except for my 19 year old daughter. We were both sidelined from then. She died 5 years ago and I feel they think it should have been me. Lifestyle wise we were much better, I was a publisher, well travelled, well off and before that had trained to be a nurse until I hurt my back and also ran a property company after my first husband died. When I retired I turned my home into a very successful B @ B for a couple of years. I have always had a very full life and thought that would make him proud of me but it seems the opposite. My daughter loves my present husband and her children have a strong bond with him. She wanted me to be happy and find a soulmate and has never resented him but my son does.
Life doesn't run to plan that's for sure but today my neighbour said to me she's so happy we've moved next door to her, she loves having us as neighbours so that made me feel better about things.

There is only so much you can do in a relationship sometimes it's time to let things just go. Your son is 55 yrs old your grand children are adults now so if they wanted to see you they would.
Try and not worry so much about a situation you cannot do anything about and get on with your life.
I had a similar thing happen in my life and for years I cried the tears of a mother but realised there was nothing I could do and life is much better now I have accepted the situation.
I wish you the best with your life.

Thank you Jeannie, that's what I'm doing now, each day will get better. I'm sorry you and so many other people have gone through this.

Oh this is just so awful! How can people be so cruel☹️ My heart goes out to you....