What am I doing to myself!

I am so sorry to read about what you are going through. Google "gaslighting" and I think you may understand what has possibly been happening. Phone BACP in Rugby or look online and find a qualified counsellor to help you to explore what you actually want. I hope things will improve for you.

Living abroad and dealing with a foreign language is no fun if you are left alone. In France, for example, the bureaucracy is a nightmare if you don't have the language skills and cultural knowledge.
You say that your husband is semi-retired so presumably he will need to go back to the UK for work reasons leaving you there and him able to do what he likes. You will be even more suspicious.
Everyone's advice is good in my opinion. Don't go and don't leave your home. What's to stop him getting the tenancy solely in his name?
It's a terrible situation and I hope you can solve it satisfactorily so that you are happier.

The fact is, most people don't understand mental illness. They are confused by it and can come across as unsympathetic and unkind. It's the old, "Pull yourself together!" response to someone suffering from depression/anxiety. If you've never experienced it personally, it's difficult to make a helpful response. However, a Relate counsellor coming out with such responses should be reported and offered some appropriate training at the very least. Actually, I reckon they should be sacked!

I agree with the people who said do not give up your home! Whatever else you decide to do it is your security and to lose it sounds as if it would devastate you . It would mean you have nowhere familiar to return to if things go wrong. Also the getting advice regarding finances is essential too, you will feel more in control of your future then. Wishing you the best for the future x

I agree with the over whelming advice to "Stay In Your Home" and get some good solid advice.

Having volunteered with both CAB and Women's Aid (years ago) they are well worth contacting.

Sadly due to cuts/demands there is more waiting time than anyone would like so you may have to just hang in there until you get the information/help that you need.

As for your sate of mind? From the circumstances you've described I would guess very few models of therapy will help while you are in this situation. As others have said "Gaslighting" stood out as a very strong possibility.

Counselling may be able to support you once you have made YOUR Choice about leaving your marriage or staying with it. But if you stay I'd say you and your OH will need personal therapy before having join therapy.

If you OH is a 'Gaslighter" I pity the therapist. The fact that he went once to Relate doesn't mean very much. And IF I've read your post correctly the counsellor wanted you to give up hunting on social media and your OH used the counsellors request as a stick to beat you with.

If I were working with you I would want you to stop hunting on social media. What you are finding out on FB and the like is Who is saying What about you/OH and your family. At this time that's like constantly poking yourself in the eye. Why would you do that to yourself?

I would, however, explain the reason for wanting you quite social media was to allow you to connect with "Your Intuition" and calm down 'Your Hyper Vigilance". Then you stand a chance of getting back a sense who you are and what your "gut" is telling you, I'm all for listening to that "gut feeling".

It's clear that you are in a lot of emotional pain (who wouldn't be - I would be) and it's fair to say that when we are in a great deal of Feeling we don't find it easy to do very good Thinking.

Try not to beat yourself up for not being great at thinking right now.

However, as sad and as harsh as it sounds FEELING is not going to help You take care of Yourself. THINKING and DOING will be what helps you right now.

If you want to be taken care of, it seems to me that it is You, on your own, who will have to Do the taking care of.

I stress "it seems" (I may be wrong) that you will be the one DOING what is needed. Therefore, you will need to find the strength to calm your "feelings" so that you can get to "Thinking". Because you clearly have some big Choices to make.

Starting with the Choice to take care of Yourself or not. And as others have said letting your OH, in-laws and your cousin get on with whatever it is they are going to do OR not do.

If you do choose to take care of You once you are on the other side of the disruption and uncertainty you can then start to deal with getting your feelings sorted. That will help with your mental health.

No harm in getting any help you can through which ever choice you make. There are some very smart ladies on GN and some very good advice so I wish you all the luck you need to get through this difficult time.

PS Gaslighters love to take on counsellors/therapists, they love proving how smart they are.

The OP has already done counselling and Relate.

Barmeyoldbat
If I read correctly, the OP and her H are moving abroad in 2 weeks time.

Sorry, things.

The OP is presently living in a council house so it may be rented. When and if they both move, she will have nowhere to return to if thungs turn sour...and he must be aware of that. As I said, over a barrel.

Nanster77
It's a bit like a cat's cradle isn't it?
In my opinion I think it might be a mistake to up sticks and leave friends and family here because if he IS having fun on the side, you have no home to go back to.
He has you over a barrel as he knows you have no income and he knows that in a foreign country with no-one on your 'side' that there is little you could do. He might swan around leaving you to do most of the care for his parents.
If he really is involved with this female (and we know that most men are easily flattered) could you see yourself putting up with it and still care for your inlaws? That might be a hard pill to swallow.
On the other hand, he may just be Whatsapp-ing her and she is getting her kicks by making you feel uncomfortable and unsure.
I don't think you have mental health issues but I do think that you are being made to feel as if that is the case.
You need to sit down and really think about what you realistically want and what you would do if he continued to deny things that you were pretty sure were going on.
No- one who loves their partner would give them any room for doubt by chatting to another female/male on social media and then telling the partner it was all in his/her head.
I wonder what he would think if it was you working away and putting private 'home' tit-bits' of info on whatsapp or facebook to a man? Would he simply smile and say nowt? I very much doubt it.
If you decide to go with him...take care but remember, we're still here to listen and chat to. Please don't live the rest of your life being played like the proverbial fiddle. You deserve to hsve a truthful, trusting relationship, not secrecy, subterfuge and uncertainty.
Be good to yourself and know that if you decide to stay, we will support you to the best of our ability.
X

I don’t believe you have a mental health problem and your depression is caused by the situation you are in. Stay where you are and sort see the Council to sort out the tenancy. If you have joint tenancy then he can not give up the tenancy without your say so. Get some money in your name stashed a way and wave him goodbye. Take legal advice or advice from Women’s Aid. about your legal rights. You will find once he has gone and you have made a decision you will start feel uplifted and a lot better. Put her and him to the back of your mind and get on with your life. Above all do not let him back into your life.

Stay in the UK do not go abroad with your husband. Now is the time to stay put, use the advice you have received in this thread and find out how to run your own life.

SueDonnen and Theoddbird.....I'm with both of you on this one!

Nanster.....I seriously doubt there is anything wrong with your head. In fact, 'Gaslighting' was the first thing I thought of when I read your post.

Your cousin is the one who needs her head examined...she's a serial home wrecker and it appears she has targeted your marriage. It also appears that your husband has become a willing participant in her malicious charade.

Let him take care of his own parents first of all, because whether or not he's having a full blown affair, he's not being a kind or considerate spouse, so why should you?

Take a step back to reassess your marriage, your assets and your finances. Don't be taken for a fool either....What you need is a good solicitor more than you need counseling. You have to make well informed decisions. I would hire a private detective and get proof. (PS. I don't think you're crazy).

Best, Willa

I don't know whether you are being played or have "issues" but I am fairly sure that you are making a huge mistake moving abroad. If I were you, I'd be inclined to see if your husband will move out first and that will give you time to see exactly what the position you are in. If it turns out that this woman is nothing, you'll soon know. If she is, you'll have lost nothing except a husband of which you will be well shot.
In my first marriage, my DH would always convince me I was a "shot away pigeon" because I would suddenly get a "feeling" about someone. It was only the marriage was over, he admitted that I was invariably right. I learned to say little and watch carefully but it is no way to live. I am now married to a man who might openly flirt a bit but I just know that he wouldn't risk what we have. As the first marriage lasted 18 months and this one has been 22 years, I think you'll know situation was easier to live with.
You don't say what age you are but one thing that occurs to is that if you started becoming low or out of oestrogen 3 years ago, this could be a hormonal thing and HRT might help.
Please do think very carefully about your options before you sail away to pastures new.

Exactly what BlueBelle has said.

You are being taken for a fool Nanster and you need to stop falling for his (and her) little games.

Start looking our for Number One ....YOU !

Good luck in beginning the first day of the rest of your life!

Violette they are not her parents you have read it incorrectly there is no need for her to go abroad she needs to stay in her own home in her own country near her grandkids and support

Move abroad to your parents (make sure you will be covered for health care...difficult if you are not entitled to an S1 reciprocal healthcare entitlement form from the DWP in the UK which you will not be unless you are retired. You need to sort these practical things first. Under European law (at least in Spain and France) the house is left to the children (you) so for housing, you would be ok when they die.......but you will have, I presume, no income ? in order to stay you may, I say may, after Brexit have to prove you have enough to live on so as not to become a burden on the state you live in................otherwise, do your homework, and GO ...don't divorce because then you will have no recourse to his pension or entitlement to half your house ..................you have only one life...live it for yourself (You do say you have grandchildren, I think, and you also have to weigh up if they would be able to come and visit you, or vice versa ?) A lot of people have gone back to the UK because they find they miss their children and granchildren ....................decide what is best for you and just do it !

You sound like a kind and caring person. Speaking as someone who's been through a similar relationship, I'd say that you're feeling this way due to your H's behaviour. Even if you do decide to move overseas, please don't give up your home in the UK. As you've said, there's no-one who'll be able to offer you a home, if things don't work out and you decide to return. So many people give up their homes, move overseas, then if it doesn't go well, they have no home to go back to.

Stop tormenting yourself with social media. Free yourself from that and you'll feel a huge sense of relief. It sounds like your H doesn't really care and isn't really interested in the way things are affecting you

Get your husband to look after his own parents and you stay in your home. It is completely unfair of him to expect you to leave the country and your family network. I must say I don't like the sound of him or her... he should be reassuring you and tell the other woman where to go, but i suspect his ego has got too big. Your mental health would recover really quickly if he did this... but then that would take his power over you away! I know, i lived with someone for 27 years who had me convinced i was completely ga ga... 10 years after his death (natural I should add) I am now 'normal' and realise he was a manipulative mind twisting git. Good luck.

I don’t think you have mental health issues or depression Nanster but you have been played, well and truly played
He has messed with your head and probably has all the way through your marriage, but you only recognised it 3 years ago when your eyes were opened by your own instincts
Even if he’s not gone as far as having an affair he is LOVING you thinking he has and you know why because it keeps him in charge and you in line Every time you cry he’s not feeling sorry for you he’s marking that up as a victory to keep you in your place
No one with an ounce of compassion would call you ‘loopy loo’ when you got upset He and her are laughing at their treatment of you They are both nasty people, start making plans for YOU, gain your strength with outside help and support but whatever you do DONT go overseas with him

My advice would be to tackle him and her head on, I have a friend who suspected that her husband was having an affair she did ask him about it he denied it, shortly before he passed away last year my friend found out that he had been having an affair for twenty five years, she is still in a state of shock and has been through one hell of a time over it

I do feel so sad for you. From what I understand you are not going mad but are simply frightened of a life without your husband. If you are happy with him more than you are unhappy with him, then perhaps the marriage is worth working on to save. However if you are as unhappy as you sound and your life is miserable, perhaps staying in your home, working to find a life that you enjoy and letting him take responsibility for his parents is a positive way forward. If you go with him giving up family and friends, his elderly parents subsequently die and he decides to end the marriage you would be in a worse position than you are now. Is he simply a man who wants his cake and eat it? If so, let his other women enjoy the hard work of caring for his elderly parents. I don’t imagine they’ll have a lot of time for romance with all that work. Also, it would be his responsibility to let his own parents know what he has done. Whatever you decide, I sincerely wish you well.

Holdingontometeeth .... deviousness or self preservation ... that is the question !!

Do not give up your home and has already been suggested start putting some money by as an emergency fund. Tell your husband you are not fit enough to go and nurse somebody else, he has said you are not well and you are happy for him to go and find out what the situation is with the in-laws. This will at least give you time to think more calmly and put some plans in place. Lots of good advice about various organisations that will help you, look into them. Once you have left the country you could be in real trouble so stay put.

Good suggestion Coconut. And I agree with others Nanster77 re. staying in your home (government rules are changing daily and you can't know what situation you might return to in a few years). Also, have you considered that you might be being taken advantage of and viewed as a free carer for your in-laws (think I must be getting cynical in my old age).