What am I doing to myself!

It's no good, this is too much fir any person that doesn't know the ins and outs to offer any advice on. What is clear, you are in no condition to make decisions and move.stay put, let him manage in laws until you are feeling well. He will do what he wants as far as another woman in concerned. I wouldn't fight for him. Life on your own seems a breeze compared to what you have, you will get half of everything.

Oh my, so many comments.... Thank you. I shall try and answer some. The information that she posts on Facebook couldn't come from me via Facebook or anyone else but my husband because quite often the event has only happened shortly before she posts and of course, after hubs has disappeared..... Example, the dog next door jumped over the fence and killed my chickens, hubby was at the allotment so I ran down to him, he was so angry coz it was the second time it happened, he said "effing dog needs caging up" we got home and he tidied the mess up, of course in and out of the shed, I popped on Facebook about 45 mins after and she had posted a video of two men building a large walk in cage made of chainlink, they put a dog kennel in it and then the dog! Making a story up and seeing if it comes back, I have no reason to do that as a few real life things have come back, my Dad died last year, when we were with him at the hospital I only told my other cousin from my Dads side, the two cousins don't know each other, I never told anyone else because when my Mum passed away there was a lot of family at her bedside and a lot arguments, my brother went to tell another Auntie shortly after Dad went and she already knew, my brother asked who told them and she said my cousin, how the bloody hell did she know!!! Anyways this is where I'm at today, the comments that you have all posted, some I've liked and some I haven't but I have taken on board what you have all said and you're all right. When I get on a downer I tend to wollow in self pity, "poor me, life's so unfair" but I don't sit around doing nothing all day, I look after our Grandkids while parents work, I take them to school etc, I also pop in to my elderly cousins during the week as she's disabled and I do bits for her...... They are the things that make me get out of bed, if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here, so with all this in mind I have told hubby last night that I'm not going to move, he took it quite well and seems a lot happier today, only I don't think he's going to go either, I think he was waiting for me to say because he doesn't want to be the one blamed for it. I'm going to look for a job and take a backseat with the kids because as much as I love them I'm beginning to feel like they are mine coz they always seem to be here and I need time for myself to regroup lol! I am going to try my hardest to stop the social media but it has got a bit of an obsession, bit like a drug..... I will have to remind myself that it is actually illegal as it's stalking, never thought I would be like that lol! I would like to Thank all of you for your comments, the help and support, because of you, today feels brighter! xx

Wow so glad you are not going anywhere
Very interesting that yet again you will be blamed if the parents get worse etc it will of course be your fault that he didn’t go

Oh yes Bluebell, I get blamed for everything but I've got wide shoulders lol! All our married life it's always been what I want, where I want to go, what I want to do..... I've always thought that it was nice but in the past few weeks it's come into my head that he does that so if it goes tits up I'm the one in the firing line and that's exactly how it's been!! I'm going to sit down today and write a list of what I need to do, I don't know if he's staying, he may just pop over to them when they need him, his Dad doesn't have long to live and at the moment the family are taking it in turns to go over and help. I think I shall start putting a plan together in case he does go and then a plan of action if he stays. I have my "I can rule the world" head on now, this will last about 2 weeks then the depression will kick in again. I do meditation and write a journal, that helps a bit, I have given up on counselling..... I now tell the poor dog, he's cheaper but I'm not sure he appreciates it coz when I start talking he humps down and gives a big sigh, he don't mind the treat after though lol! x

I am glad you have decided not to move.

I know you said you have given up on counselling - I did myself once. I found most counsellors want you to relive everything bad that happened to you meaning you end up feeling worse (I usually left the sessions in tears). I then found a counsellor who specialised in Positive Solution therapy. Basically this means that what is past is past, you can't change it no matter how much you talk about it. Instead it concentrates on what you can do to change things now. After years of counselling I found this method worked for me after just a few months. Putting together plans on what to do if he goes or stays is a good start.

Oh dear been here and got the T shirt sigh ... so sorry you are feeling like this but agree with others to take time out. My DH works long hours and I work night shifts often we are ships passing each other in the night and on the small amount of time we have married offspring usually want some job done. Block this woman on facebook she is not genuine friend to you and do see your GP as you may get some help, distress in any form is nothing to be ashamed of. I truly feel for you but if unlike myself have some best friend go out with them and be a little more independent from being with your husband all the time. Who knows it might make him sit up and think ! :0)

Oldwoman70, that sounds a better form of counselling, especially for this sort of problem. Like you say they go on about the past and 'in the moment", well I didn't want to be in the moment, nor the past come to think of it and scared of the future at the time! I used to go in crying come out crying, I never realy came out feeling better, I sometimes thought everyone was out to get me lol that sounds crazy but I think you know what I mean! I haven't looked at social media today...... grrrr, it's not easy kicking the habit lol! x

If you don't want to go to a counsellor can I recommend you get a book called "Clear, Calm and Confident" by Christian Dunham. This explains the positive solution therapy and comes with a CD.

Nanster77 so glad you are Not leaving your home.

I can't blame you for not wanting to go back into counselling after your experience.

I like the sound of Positive Solution Therapy and it seems as if you have got a plan that will put you in a better position - Go Girl

Some lovely posts here for some wise folks, I really hope you have found some clarity and a way to focus on your future.

Reading your posts it seems as if you are good at looking after other people but that you've not been not very good at taking time and space to look after yourself.

Seems like you have it in your plan to give yourself more care. I hope you find a way to take better care of yourself. You are worth being cared for and if no-one will do it for you then Do it for Yourself.

Many a brave and wounded woman has had to care for herself when others didn't.

I hope you know after all your experience that 'Everything" is Not your Fault.

My wish for you would be that you make yourself as important as you do your hub.

You deserve to Valuable not just Useful, at the moment you seem to be Useful but Valuable to those closest to you.

No wonder your struggling with Depression and all that goes with getting through a day.

It's sad how many women seem to be in this sort of relationship - Useful but not Valuable.

In an ideal world you would care for others and they would care for you right back.

Seems like this isn't happening for you but reading your last post you are very clear about that and you seem to be making a plan to change that. Way to go Nanster

Your cousin sounds like she enjoys hurting people and I do get that FB can be like a drug. But what you find there is hurting you not helping you.

I wish you well and hope you find the stamina to keep your plan going for a better future.

If you don't want to give up Facebook altogether, just unfriend your cousin or block her altogether. She sounds like a complete narcissist who is hell bent on destroying other people's marriages.
I like the idea of Positive Solution Therapy. I've had therapy/counselling several times and I get fed up with rehashing a childhood which I an't change and have come to terms with.

Nanster77 just hang on to that "I can rule the world" image. Find a picture that captures that spirit and put it on the front of your diary. Every time you pick up your diary it will remind you of your personal superpowers.

Rehearsing how you might respond to various possible scenarios is also a very good way to prepare yourself and not be taken unawares by other people's words and actions. It can help you to be clearer in your own mind about what you really want and much more confident about communicating those thoughts and intentions to others. Fore warned is fore armed. ????

Well done you Nanster.
Staying put in your house and keeping off Facebook etc is the way to go.
Keep your lists and thoughts private and in a safe place.
A part time job sounds a good idea.
Your comments 're dog made me smile for sense of humour is important.
Remember if or when the dark clouds are looming please use GN to help you get through to a better place.
I believe that there is always someone on GN who has been there and got the T shirt.

Sending you positive thoughts.
Onwards and upwards

That's a very wise course of action, Nanster. I'm glad you're staying in your home. You sound as though you have a very rich life here and people who do appreciate you and I think you need to have those people around you. Good luck!

Nanster 77 your comment 'hubby says it's all in my head' is a classic 'ghosting' ploy - he's making you feel it's all your fault when it probably isn't! It's about control - him controlling you. I would hazard a guess that if you move abroad (you don't say where) then it will be you doing all the looking after of the in laws, not him.

You mention grandchildren - do you have the support of your children or are they on his side. When you went to Relate, did he come too?

Think carefully and don't do what he wants, do what YOU want

Like Oldwoman70 I have also used Positive Solution therapy (sometimes called Solution Based therapy). It worked for me when normal counselling didn't. Stay strong Nanster If you find yourself weakening you can always rely on GNs to give you moral support.

Why are his parents living abroad?
Health care is free in GB they could come 'home' and be looked after?
Do not under any circumstances leave your council home and get a job .. voluntary or paid, to change your mind.
Every time you go shopping put some money by and don't tell anyone but find a very good hiding place.

Thank you all for your comments, some I haven't answered but I have read them all. To update on my progress, I am standing strong but had a little wobble last night because I asked hubs if he was still moving and he said yes, I asked when coz we were going in 2 weeks but he said 1st June, I panicked a bit and asked him if maybe he could make it a few days later coz I moved in with him 1st June 34yrs ago, also it's my late mum's birthday and the 1st anniversary of my dad passing away.... I don't think I could cope with him leaving me on that day as well! Anyways I am sorry to say that I fell off the wagon but only the once.... I took a peek at her Facebook this morning, she put her little words of wisdom via a meme..... No expectations, just go with the flow and whatever happens happens!!! Didn't look at watsap! Have been looking on internet to see if there are any jobs in my area and going to get my cv updated tomorrow! I've got this..... I will survive lol! ??? x

You will survive nanster
Good luck with your job hunting and keeping off Fb.

Did you inform your husband that you will be remaining at home whilst he is away?

Thank you cherrytree, yes hubs knows that I'm staying and when I asked if he was still going he said he didn't know but the next day he said he was and I asked if it would be in 2 weeks and he said no the 1st June..... In my head he had to consult her first and she's probably said the 1st knowing that it would be the worst day possible for me..... That's probably not true, hubs probably forgot what day it was, I'm just submissing, that's the problem I have, overthinking and filling in the bits I don't know!!! He's not just going away, he is moving away, handed his notice in at work. It's going to be hard as the day gets nearer, I'm thinking I might go and stay with my daughter coz I can't say goodbye to him, I don't want to see him go! x

I know how you feel, I really do. I wouldn't leave your home to stay elsewhere. It is your home, he leaves it with you there, it will look better in law later. He deserted the family home. Have photos of your family near you.. Be strong. Thinking of you.

Yes, strongly agree with other posters, do stay in the house until your husband actually leaves and at least for a time afterwards in case he backtracks. Who knows what he could get up to?
Can your daughter or a friend come and stay with you while he is packing and leaving? As these are personally significant dates you will need all the support you can get. Stay strong, you've already travelled quite a long way since you first opened this thread. The next chapter of your life is about to open. ??

Well done, well done Nanster77! You have just decided to do what YOU need to do, not what others want you to do!! This is a HUGE step forward for you! It is the beginning of the rebuilding of your self-esteem which has taken a ginormous battering over the past few years. You won't be able to measure it directly but you will feel the improvement over time.

I have been where you are with the manipulation of thoughts and feelings and the dumping of guilt on you. Don't accept this as your fate. Start by apologising for what you need to say sorry for and stay silent on the rest.

Your thoughts are racing a lot of the time because your mind is trying to make sense of situations where other people are deliberately distorting the truth and playing with your emotions. Your mind is not broken, it is trying to help you.

My thoughts will be with you in the next few days. Keep going! Hugs

Today is the first day of your future. Telephone to make an appointment with a person at the office where you rent your family home from, to explain the situation at the moment, to be prepared to have your name on the rent title. Also telephone citizen office and make an appointment to speak to someone in person, to know your rights globally in law. It is true what Apricity has advised "Be prepared". Thinking of you.

Nanster, it's totally understandable to have a wobble, but please stay strong. Prepare yourself for when he goes as it will be very hard for you (I was tormented when my DH went off on lads holidays) and you will doubt whether you've done the right thing, but play the waiting game, secure in your own home, rather than move and still have it going on under your nose (although you still don't know if he is actually having an affair). Your husband has been disloyal to you after so many years together. I would lay money he has told you he's going for good, but a) is planning to come back after a short time or b) he thinks the grass is greener, but may well find he regrets his decision once he's abroad and free to do what he wants. It will be very hard for you to cope with, but of the two scenarios, which is better for you?
Everyone on this forum has urged you to stay at home and forge a new life for yourself. I know it's easier said than done and he's been unfair to you, putting you in this position, but show him he can't manipulate you. In the run up to him leaving, don't show him you're wobbling and worried about him. Don't mention your cousin. Try to stay bright and cheerful. It will completely throw him. Take away his ammo and I bet you'll see a change in him!!

Even if he’s not having an affair he is showing NO care about you, has it asked any questions about why you are not going ? Has he showed any interest in how you will manage on your own? Has he mentioned finances ? He is being a bxxxxxx
As others have said wobble in your bedroom or toilet but do not let him see you wobble June 1st means a lot to you he will know that after 34 years with you and you can bet your bottom dollar he has chosen that date on purpose Gosh what a hero !
Forget her she is just the back player he would be supporting you if he loved you what husband hears from his wife that she isn’t moving away with him and he just gets on as normal as if she hasn’t spoken
Don’t be away from the house when he goes if you have a friend or relative to be with you at the house that would be far better you can cry for England after he’s gone but not a tear before, hold it in big time
Keep updating us we are all with you ?This is the start of the new you You are playing them at their own game they deserve each other