About 3 years ago I got suspicious of my husband having an affair, my gut instinct picked up on it. I had two woman on the radar but one more than the other, I eventually asked him and of course he laughed and denied it. I have had severe depression ever since, he hasn't done anything to help, he just shouts at me. I've been to councelling, relate but nothing helped. I used to be friends on Facebook with one of them, every day she would put one post up and it hinted at something that happened in our home, it realy messed with my head and I told him but it carried on, I also noticed that she was on watsap , she would come on when he was on his own, I blocked her on facebook but I can't help keep looking, she puts it public so I can see. He's not on Facebook so he says and it's not on his phones, he has a personal and work but I've always believed he had another phone.... he leaves the other two laying around. He travels all around the southern end of the uk, sometimes staying away, or gets up early and leaves at 4, she's on watsap at that time. I've truly lost my head over this and don't know what to do, we've been married 34 years, we've had a realy good marriage, I would never have thought he would have gone off! Now something else has been thrown into the mix, my in laws are ill and they've asked us to move abroad to help take care of them, now I thought this was the answer to my problem but she had to make reference to it on fb, now I think she's coming with us, she's not married, no kids, she has spent her whole life with married men.... she told me years ago that it was a laugh winding the wives up and here I am and she's doing the same to me, she owns properties so I think she may buy one out there maybe to live or rent so she has reason to go there. I don't know what I'm doing, I have had to 're home my pets, I have to say goodbye to our grandkids and leave the house that I have lived in all my life. I feel beaten down and just so fed up, I can't talk to friends and family because they got fed up of listening to me. I still don't know if he is or isn't, he said it's all coincedence, he has said some things that obviously he's got the wrong person. He said that if I leave I'm going to regret it coz then I will find out that he's not playing away and that's what I'm scared of, I could be messing up a perfectly good marriage but on the other hand I do know my husband and I know for a fact that he would never admit to anything! All the things I was afraid of losing by him having an affair, I am losing anyway by moving away. I know what people will say, leave him, get away but honestly it's not as easy as that, I don't work, I have a tiny amount for emergency and none of my family or friends want to put me up for a night or two! Oh dear how did it get to this. Thanks for listening, I sometimes feel like there's no one out there!!!
Of course you will have a wobble - you are human! Remember you have so much support here on GN. I wonder if your husband is saying he will still go thinking you will change your mind? By standing your ground you are showing him a different side of you. Also if he does go I wonder how he will feel when he finds he is having to care for his parents rather than relying on you to do so. Carry on making your plans for when he is gone.
Oh Bluebell, you hit it on the nail.... You're so right! No he's not asked how I will live, run my car, pay the rent etc. He's not being horrible to me, he's actually being quite nice, called me love yesterday lol! I've been acting as normal as I can, no mention of her, not taken much interest in where he's working.... I think he knows I mean business. Today I'm having a spring clean, changing a few things around.... Hopefully he will see that I'm preparing to have things my way and I want everything clean and nice and fresh for my new beginning! ? x. It's our anniversary on Wednesday, I wonder if he's remembered, I always make reference of it in the past but not this year..... If he forgets then on Thursday I'm going to buy 12 red roses and have them delivered when he's here, I shall spend as much as I can on them and I will put on the card 'Because you're worth it' love you lots from myself xxx lol!
Oh Nanster you are really coming into your own and finding yourself Your confidence is growing I can feel it each time you post I think you might surprise yourself when you are not hanging on to his every word and believing you are the problem Look at your thread title ‘ What am I doing to myself’ I hope that will soon be replaced with ‘ look what Ive done for myself ‘
The world is opening up you are no longer thinking it starts and ends with him There will be ups and downs sadness and happiness but you now have a chance to realise you are not mentally ill, not imagining things, and a big chance to build up happy friendships maybe a job, interest groups and just being you and who knows he may change if he thinks hes losing you Time will tell
Sounds to me as though she’s stalking you.
I honestly did think I was the problem but looking back on things I just got used to the way he was, I made excuses up for him! I have only realised this since talking to all you ladies.... It has been your support and comments that have given me the strength to realise that my life could be better, that I deserve more and I am worth it. I don't know how things will turn out between myself and hubs, if he will go or stay but I do know that if he does stay things are going to be so different, I'm not going to put up with his crap and if he doesn't like it the door is there...... or I will go, I'm not scared of my future anymore and that is thanks to you ladies ? xx
You go girl! Love the idea of the roses. I bet hubby wonders what the hell has got into you! Let's hope it gives him something to think about!! xx
Don't sign the card on the roses - pretend to be surprised when they arrive - let him think you have a secret admirer.
You are doing well Nanster, good for you. However, please sort out what names are on the house, my ex gave notice to the agents that we were moving months before I knew about him leaving. Take care x
Hi all, still going strong. He forgot our anniversary but never mind, wasn't that bothered, didn't get any flowers as I thought the money would be best in my pocket. I have been on Facebook once, she's put nothing publicly since I blocked her, haven't looked at watsap as I've uninstalled it. I think she is trying hard to wind me up, hubby has forgotten to turn his work phone off a few times and each time it went off he went upstairs or outside, didn't even look at it! We have also started to get a lot of landline calls, unknown number and he gets his laptop out a few times which is a new thing he's started doing. Today I had a funny thing happen, not sure if I'm being paranoid.... A man friend requested me this morning, I checked to see his profile but was very vague, I saw that he had a mutual friend, who just so happens to have my divorced name, I accepted and he Pm'd me straight away, asked a few questions but I was very vague, then he told me a bit about himself..... Very similar story to mine and husbands, so many familiar things..... Anyways he was after online sex... I just laughed and said that he could be a 94 year old man and I could be a fella as well.... we would never know, so no I don't do that!! I can't help thinking that it's her, was she trying to get ammunition or is she trying to wind me up..... Something just don't feel right, anyway I blocked him coz that's disgusting lol! But then again..... haha ? xx Still have a smile on my face, it's like I'm the old me again. He's away next week and I don't even care!!!! xx
Nanster you aren't being paranoid about the FB "friend" request but you are being very foolish. The request was either a scammer or possibly your stalker. Either way the sensible response is NO RESPONSE. Why did you respond to this "friend"? Engaging in silly jokey responses is not a sign of your sense of humour or sophistication but that you are a potential sucker. Feeding a troll, whether one known to you or a stranger, is the worst response you can make.
You have been given lots of very good advice from Grans regarding the situation with your husband. Many of the Grans have faced similar situations and survived and emerged stronger women. I do hope you can gain the strength from other's knowledge and experiences and can move on with your life.
However, I do wonder if you have a self destructive element that drives you to continually position yourself as a victim. It is something that you need to really think about because if you can't confront those personal demons then the future doesn't look as good for you. Focus on the future that you really want and make decisions that will help you get there. Don't continually sabotage your own life and then blame other people. ?
Hi Apricity I messaged my friend and he said similar stuff to her but she has blocked him now as well and we've both warned others on our lists. I'm not a sucker, my humour is who I am, this is the old me.... shrug it off with a laugh and believe me I've just spent 3 nearly 4 years in a complete mess, I couldn't laugh, I couldn't talk to anyone because I believed no one was interested..... I was a nobody, a nothing and yes looking back now I probably did have my finger on the self destruct button but who cared.... exactly, so why should I. I got the courage up to tell gransnet my story and that was a turning point for me because though nobody could say that hubs was playing away, people believed in me and listened and answered and gave good advice. I am happy in myself now, it's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I'm no longer stressed out, I haven't cried since coming on here..... I do worry a little about what will happen when hubs moves away but I have more of a 'hey ho attitude, it will turn out just fine coz it always does! If you had called me a sucker a year ago it would have been just one more name to put me down and being of a self destruct element, well I was deep into my pity party, someone had to feel sorry for me, I have been through so much crap in my life I just didn't think I could take anymore and I'm amazed that I'm sitting here writing this today because I took many walks along the railway station, it was only the fact that I had grandkids to look after the next day that kept me alive. In my depressed state I looked at her on facebook and watsap as I thought I had some control over them, I thought if he knew that I was on to them then he would stop but he didn't..... It had by then became an obsession, I haven't found it easy not to look but I have more strength now to stop myself, to realise that I can't do anything about it so what's the point in looking, I'm just hurting myself! It didn't realy occur to me that this friend request was anything sinister, he was a friend of a friend, it was only when I spoke to him that I got the impression that he was on the wind up and along with stuff on his profile which I eventually looked at, I started noticing things, I truly believe that it's her, I've shown my hubs and the conversation and I said that if this is who I think it is then she is a very sick person and I feel sorry for her if that's what she does for kicks! He didn't say anything but went off to the bathroom and I went to bed, I didn't show him for a reaction I just wanted him to see what she's realy like..... I think he knows I mean business now, I'm not the person I was a year ago and he's not on my radar anymore, I'm done with him and I think he's realised it! xx
Nanster just hang on to that new person you are becoming. Your journey has been long and obviously very painful and your sense of humour has probably kept you going. I know I was pretty hard on you and I certainly didn't want to hurt you but sometimes we do need to face our own demons if we want to move forward. If we can't face them we can't deal with them.
I can only wish you all the strength and courage you can find to change your life to one YOU want, whoever YOU choose to travel with on that journey. Good luck. ?
Oh dear Nanster Delete this friend Immediately whoever it is and please please come off FB and all other social media and this is said from someone who loves FB Whilst you are still peeping now and then still reacting to others you are not safe and not clear of them at all
Showing him this friend has put all your cards out on the table he knows you are still upset and worrying even if you are saying you are not
Join sone groups take up a hobby go for counselling ( you alone) go for walks meet a friend but don’t don’t don’t go on fb any more and never accept friend requests You request who you want to talk to and who you want to see your business not the other way round ........although you feel stronger you are still VERY very vulnerable
Apricity, I can take constructive criticism, sometimes people need to hear the 'hard' talk to realise how things realy are, though saying I'm a sucker now doesn't phase me it would have a year ago, it would have added to all the other negative input that I picked up on and I couldn't get myself out of that mindset. Bluebelle, I am getting there honest, I don't have Facebook on any of my tablets, phone etc and it is such a pain going through the hassle of logging on that I usually start and then think 'oh bugger it I can't be bothered' and stop, yesterday I wanted to see some photo's of my grandkids that had been put on by my friend and I wanted to tag their parent's. I've been pretty good on not looking but as silly as it sounds I can't help myself sometimes.... the urge takes over lol! Anyways I'm doing ok, I'm dressing up, hair done, make up sorted and head held high, I haven't done any of that for a very long time and I feel great for it. Thank God for Gransnet and all it's lovely members xx
I'm so pleased you've turned a corner in your life Nanster and long may it continue.
As I said in a previous post I bet your husband is wondering what an earth has got into you!
DH and I went through a bad patch a few years ago. I was miserable, suspicious, angry and pathetic at times, but I turned a corner and it made him change his ways, although it took a time and he would never admit anything, playing it cool, but I knew him well enough to know it was because I'd given him something to think about - he knew the end was in sight and he couldn't 'play' me anymore - the worm had turned!!
Hi windyweather, I'm pleased to hear that you got things sorted with your other half, I like to think that we can sort things out but I don't think we will ever come back from this, I don't want to lose him but I can't stand being around him most of the time because something triggers me off and we end up arguing, like today..... I popped into our bank account and he's booked his hotel room for next week, he always uses booking.com this time it says Amsterdam underneath, so I rang him and asked where he was going and he told me, I told him about the statement and he was a bit taken aback and then said it must be there headquarters coz he's definitely not going to Amsterdam, I said it didn't matter coz he could leave his passport here but he said no he needed it for id, he doesn't have a photo driving licence..... I just said ok goodbye see you soon coz I knew I would start an argument. He's probably right about it being there headquarters as I'm sure the cost would have been euro's not sterling. I've calmed down now and it doesn't matter where he goes does it, he's going to go wether I have the hump or not so no point getting myself in panic mode lol! Shall ask him for hotel details though ? xx
I've just read the start and end of this thread, Nanster77. What a fantastic change in you, well done!
Your H was shouting at you and ridiculing you. He wasn't acting like he cared about you, so even if there's nothing going on with any other woman he's not being a good husband to you.
Great news that you've taken control of your own life!
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Oh dorina please toddle on
Reported again
Well you must all be incredibly rich, healthy and free from those pesky evil spirits.
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