What am I doing to myself!

I think the Jury’s out on this. Your hubs went to counselling with you once, which is more than many men would do. Obviously your cousin has her hooks into him and many men would find it hard to resist, especially if their wife has turned into a suspicious emotional mess. This woman knows what she is doing and you have fallen into her trap. You are still being manipulated by her because you cannot resist peeking at facebook and whatsap. You need yo forget this virtual world and deal with the reality of your actual relationship with your husband. Concentrate on getting strong and being your own woman, who can, if necessary, live on her own - but do not give up too easily on what was a good marriage for the sake of what sounds like an evil, scheming, jealous bitch!
If you went fishing with you husband, so what if she puts up a post about it? She was jealous.
It sounds as though your husband does not expect his parents to last long. Have you thought of staying at home while your husband goes over, and you just going for a visit for a week or so? Are they in Europe or further away? Is it possible that if you both went your husband might leave you there to look after the parents and then come back to work?
There are so many things to consider and you need to be very emotionally strong to deal with the situation. Good luck.

What an excellent idea Coconut. The deviousness of the fairer sex never fails to astound me.

Poor you, so much for you to contend with and to try to unravel. Your husband must be quite cold and heartless to not want to go out of his way to support and reassure you, even if it was all in your head. You need proof that he and your cousin are in touch with each other, physically or just on line. So set a trap ... tell him something made up about yourself, something totally outrageous and then don’t tell another soul. If it gets mentioned soon after on her posts, you then have your answer and can decide what to do. I wish you luck and happiness one way or another ?

I have just read your OP again.
If you go abroad you will be giving up the excellent, free care provided by Doctors and other services.
You will be leaving behind your loved ones, the grandchildren and pets, effectively putting yourself into isolation with thoughts that are destroying you.
Depression is a debilitating illness. You need your loved ones around you, in a home you can call your own.
Don't move out under any circumstances.
Womens Aid will help you with advice.
If his parents are in need of looking after, why cant they relocate to live near their seemingly attentive son?

In your first post you say "she has spent all her life with married men" and she thinks it's a laugh "winding the wives up". Has she lived with these other men? and broken their marriages up? Or is it all a big game to her like cat and mouse. I do feel sorry for the way this is making you feel. Your husband may not be involved with her in the way you think, this could be all a game to her. The fact she"s your cousin gives her a bit more knowledge /insight of you both and she could be doing these to wind you up,especially as your husband works away some time and she knows you are feeling like this. I don"t know what to advise you really, don"t read any of her social media stuff, it sounds almost troll like...she obviously gets a kick out of it. Think about the life you are going to be living abroad. Just because she has money and could upsticks herself does"nt necessarily mean she will. I think it's part of her amusement until she finds someone else to worry and upset.

I was reading through all the posts and I wondered where this other woman was getting her information from. I was going to ask if they worked together or if they had a connection via a club or similar.
Then I saw that it was a cousin, further enhanced by sharing information on Facebook, so that's the source of the info.
If he was having an affair, and was denying it, I would have thought that he would have made sure that the cousin was very discreet in her Facebook posts, which she isn't.
On that basis, and its easy for me to say, I would be giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Have you ever fallen foul of her?
I had already copied a link for you,
cognitive behavioral therapy online,
but I then saw that you had already tried this.
Don't move abroad with him and certainly don't give up your council house, as I very much doubt whether you would get council accommodation should you return to this country.
Let him go on his own. If she follows him then it opens up a new can of worms. It is easy to type on Facebook what you are going to do, its a different matter doing it.
The fact that your husband went initially to counselling with you again makes me err on his side in believing that he isn't having an affair. He must be a right hard faced bastard if he is.
Obviously you know him well. What are your finances like?
Could you both afford to go away for a week? If he really wants to reassure you tell him you want his mobile phones switched off for the duration and in your possession and don't let him out of your sight during your stay. It will be far harder for him to use a secret phone if you are constantly with him, though if you travel by car then a phone is easy to secrete.
As for calling you loopy, we all say things to our nearest that we wouldn't say to others, and if he is innocent of the affair he would be getting low on patience though his comments are insensitive.
Desperate measures but you are in a desperate state.
Stop looking and posting on Facebook. You can see things that are not there.
Look at your horoscope for the previous day. We can always relate to something it says a day later though it can be quite irrelevant.
I cant see the relevance of the mention of whatsapp.
Its only a free call and texting app. The only gain from using this is that it doesn't appear on your itemised phone bill.
If it comes to a showdown and you are in fear of violence, dial 999 and get the Police around. Ask the operator for a Log Number, which is unique to your call on that date.
Mentally you are in a bad place. A lot is going on.
Keep in the care of your doctor, and consider carrying on with the CBT, unless you think that this has run its course.
Just because he says it is a waste of time doesn't mean that it is. It is for you to decide.
As others have said you must do things with you being the main objective.
Have you thought of helping out in a charity shop? It would take your mind away from your current path if you were occupied.
I sincerely hope that your future becomes easier to bear.

Oh for goodness sakes. This has nothing to do with you having metal health issues...you don't. It is about your husband having an affair with a bit of a woman. Tell him to go live in one of her many properties and build a life for yourself. You are entitled of everything the pair of you have. You will be ok. Go out and enjoy life without all this worry. You can do it xx

Nanster77.What an upsetting situation for you. Do you and your husband have any children as they will no doubt be able to see what is going on if you haven't told them already. Do you live in the UK ? My advice if you don't want to involve/ or have any one near to turn to is get professional help.Why put yourself through this torment that you certainly cannot handle on your own





.

My heart goes out to you as those not affected cannot possible understand the constant, overwhelming, all-pervading feelings of feeling sick about whether he is or isn't.

Let alone the constant layers and layers of lies to hide the truth and make you feel as if you need to be sectioned due to accusations of being 'mental'.

My former partner was all of this and more. He had a all consuming passion to be liked, complimented which meant he charmed the socks off women who fell into his arms.

He acted as though this was truly ok because it was what he wanted and that was the most important factor. Never ever thought about the impact on those around him.

But our relationship had such a happy ending! I came home from work one day and he had packed all his things and gone leaving me a letter. He's left me with a huge mortgage etc etc.

But let me say - it was the best thing that could have happened once I got over the shock and the sorted out the financial issues.

I wake every day as though it is the first day of spring - no more sick feelings about where he or with whom or having to tolerate his lies, the constant requests for loans (he earned three times what I did! But was just flashy with his entertaining.)

I am my own person, I can do what I want, think what I want, eat what I want - it is amazing!

There is life after and believe me so liberating......

Good luck Nanster!

If what you suspect is true your husband is a despicable person. Even if it isn’t true surely he can see how you are suffering; a decent husband would want to help and care for his wife through difficult times. So you need to re-evaluate your marriage, is it/was it as good as you claim?

Please do not give up your home; it is your only security at the moment. You say you have very little but if you do divorce then half of everything he has is yours, including any pensions he may have. If he has very little then surely a woman who owns many properties wouldn’t want to be in a permanent relationship with him.

My heart goes out to you it really does.❤️

Nanster you need to find some way to put all your distressing thoughts to the back of your mind, at least temporarily. There is a lot of evidence that ruminating and going over and over things can just in itself create problems. I know how hard this is from personal experience of extreme stress and anxiety. In my case therapy seemed to make it worse, the thing that worked was mindfulness meditation for stress relief. It took 12 weeks of attending a weekly class AND with daily practice to have any effect, during which time I was in despair that there would be any result. By the end of the 15 week course I could mostly (not always) calm my brain down, or turn it off for brief periods and it made all the difference. Once the endless merry go round of negative thinking stopped then constructive ideas had a chance to take hold. At that point you get the ability to see your situation more clearly and make plans. I know it needs patience, but in the long term its worth it and you have a long term skill to help you. Also echo other peoples posts in that ideally you need to stay put and leave FB.

I would have to know one way or the other if he wad having affair or not. I would hire private detective to follow him at 4am in morning. I would not be moving away from fc. I would be saving up cash just in case. Every time you shop get £50 cashback and put aside just in case you need it. You cannot carry on without piece of mind. Trust in a marriage is essential. Delete FB and Watsap they will only make you miserable. Spice up your sex life, so your dh has no excuse to look elsewhere.

Being over-sensitive or even magining problems in relationships is not uncommon in depression, nor for that matter is husbands shouting at their depressed wives.
You had a good marriage, seek help for the depression, then decide whether it can be good again. Never mind the in-laws, you can't sort out their problems until you sort out these issues.

Very careful who I invite onto my fb page. Few people I worked with have got in touch and I have refused a couple we were not that friendly anyway.
Mostly family.
Think I would stay at home if I was you. Let him go if he wants.
If it’s effecting your mental health you have to think about yourself, hope all goes well anyway.

You say she says she 'loves winding their wives up' - could she just be doing that with you? Not a very nice person if she is, quite sad actually. Why do you have to move abroad to look after your inlaws?? Can they not come to you?? Would be much less of a disturbance for you and your family surely? I would stop looking at her Facebook/snapchat whatever pages - if she knows you are checking I bet she would put stuff on there just to upset you! Have you thought about going to counselling? It might help you to get to grips with your thoughts and why you doubt your husband. Hope it all works out well for you whatever you decide to do.

Going abroad to live is a major decision in a good marriage, but unthinkable in your situation. You need time to sort yourself out away from this situation, you say no one will offer to put you up so I guess you have been showing signs of your mental unrest for some time and they feel unable to cope with you/it. Deleting and reinstalling WhatsApp/Facebook just underlines your instability at the moment and you need to find the strength to stay deleted. There maybe truth in the idea that you are turning these posts into something more than they are or they at be true, but either way if you have not got an open mind then therapy is going to fail if you don’t like what the therapist suggests to you. Stay in your house though because all of this in a foreign country or back in the U.K. in a bed sit waiting for a council property will only make it worse in my opinion.
Good luck

I am sorry to hear you are so upset.

The fact that this other women is your cousin, does mean that she knows a lot about you and so is able to push some emotional buttons.

Your own mental health may mean that you catastrophise things.

Make sure that you are as secure as possible, house and finances, then build yourself a support network of friends or at least people or places you can go to for company.

Then wait and see what happens. Yours husband can go and take care of his folks if he wants to. It is imperative that you stay where you feel comfortable and can have benefits and a roof over your head.

I was in a similar position and it is undermining of all your confidence, take back some control and sort you own position out.

I would stay away from social media, it just makes things worse at times.

When I was training many years ago we were always told to follow 'gut instinct'. Its there for a reason...to protect us and make us aware. If you are feeling something is wrong it could well be. If you are suffering from mental health issues there's lots of help out there, but your mental health will not be helped by this situation.
I'm all for being happy and as stress free as possible. If these people, be it your husband or not, are not making you happy....I know what I would be doing, but your choice. If you feel the marriage is worth fighting for there is Relate, and for goodness sake talk to him...and make him listen and get him to take your concerns seriously.
I think the suggestion that you take some time out may be beneficial. I do hope you make the right decision for you. x

Nanster, have just read all your posts and wanted to give you my thoughts. You have clearly battled with your mental health and are still continuing to do so. Well done on that. Don’t give your Council Home up and move abroad with him. From what you have said, regardless of whether he is having an affair, it does sound as if your marriage is over. He is clearly enjoying playing games with you which is messing your head. I feel that you should tell him that you are not moving with him to help with his parents and suggest a separation while you decide what you want to do. Women’s aid sounds like a great organisation as does Citizens Advice so I would definitely contact both of them for advice. Good luck with whatever you do decide to do. Try and stay strong x

I agree with what many others have said....don't move as I think you'll regret it. If you suspect your cousin is also thinking of going, why would your husband not leave you behind, so he is free to go off with her?

So many things you've said sound so similar to the situation I had with my husband a few years ago. The mental torture, twisting the facts, making out I had the problem, when I knew it was him that changed. We've been together over 40 years and I thought I knew him so well, but he changed from a loving family man to someone I just didn't recognise. It got so bad at one point I didn't want to go on and ended up calling the Samaritans. After that I became stronger and started playing him at his own game. I started going out on my own. He had no idea where and slowly he started to change, saying he never wanted to split up, wasn't interested in anyone else (despite me finding out he'd joined Match.com). We got over the problem and are still together, as deep down neither of us really wanted to split, but there's still a part of me that can't forgive him for the way he treated me at that time. It was almost as if he was enjoying my torment, but there came a point when he knew he'd gone too far, so as others have said, tell him you're not going, but he is free to go. Don't be weak, show him your strong side and tell him to F* off. That's what I eventually did and it worked. He had to put up or shut up.....he shut up!!

Do not go abroad with hubby, do not leave your home. Stop thinking about what he is doing or what the other woman is doing or saying. Look for a job either full or part time, something easy and without stress eg shop work. Start focussing outside your home and outside your head. See if you can help others instead of focussing on yourself.

Are you in U.K. Nanster because if so Sue is right Women’s Aid will be totally understanding of your situation they are very used to mental abuse and will know exactly where you are coming from You have been worked on over the years until you believe everything you are told by this man he will twist everything around to make it your fault You have been manipulated and conyptrolled for years and believe me you won’t get out of this relationship without considerable back up and help as everything will be turned around to make you out to be wrong and stupid
Reverse your decision to go away with him stay with your pets your home your grandkids and get help but be prepared for a show down he is used to you doing as you are told and will be thrown completely by your new found strength

Here's a link, Nanster. www.womensaid.org.uk WA help any woman who's having problems, it doesn't have to involve physical violence. Two different branches of WA have recently helped two friends of mine and they have been superb in supporting them in so many ways. Contacting them doesn't mean you need to do anything, it will just give you some options and make you aware of things you may not know about.

Good luck.

Bluebelle, when I finished my counselling and she summed up and told me her thoughts she said that I had lived my whole life on my gut feelings and I was having a hard time coz I am trying to convince myself that my instincts are wrong, when hubs asked what she had said and I told him he said that she had made things worse and that she was useless and shouldn't put ideas into people's heads! What an idiot he is...... She is bang on the nail! SueDonim, I did read about gaslighting, when we have a heated discussion of argument he twists what I say and then confuses me, I get frustrated coz I get lost in what I was saying and he's like yes see you don't know, I end up crying out sheer frustration even anger and that's the end of that conversation. I've not heard of Woman's Aid, so thanks for that I shall take a look x

It sounds like your husband is gaslighting you, Nanster77. Have you approached anyone like Women's Aid?

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