My friend has died - living with grief and regret

So sorry to hear of your loss. CRUSE the bereavement charity is there for you, when you feel ready to talk to one of our experienced volunteers, or if you prefer you can come along to our drop ins. See our website, our service is free and entirely confidential.

Yes indeed..." Grief is the price we pay for loving" I always feel that at the loss of a well loved pet too.
Sending.... to all here who are grieving. xx
.

I am so grateful for the comfort, hugs and kindness and shared stories. And I feel so much for those who have had such tragic deaths in your lives. To lose a close friend can be like a void opening up, but I am comforted by 'hearing' the voice of my friend, saying that her death was part of the order of things, and that we both knew we loved and cared about each other. She is saying all is well, and I just need time to be with the loss, and go on with my life too. To lose a child is beyond my imaginings and I send loving thoughts to people who've had to find a way forward after that, or other truly tragic losses.

We cannot have reached the age which I assume we have, without losing many of those dear to us?
Parents, contemporaries, (sadly possibly a child) perhaps partners.
We cannot avoid this and however saddening and tragic, death is a fact of life
Coping with the emotions is one of the things which distinguishes us grown ups from our children mourning their first hamster.
Does that sound harsh?
I have lost both a baby son and my life’s partner.
I think I have an idea of what I am talking about.

I really feel for you. My sister recently lost a friend that she had known for 40 years. She had been ill for some time and my sister took her out on shopping trips and played scrabble with her and just generally spent time with her. Now she has gone and my sister is bereft. She doesn't know what to do with herself because so much time was spent with her friend. We see each other frequently although she lives two and a half hours away and I know she is holding her grief in because I have also lost someone and she is thinking of me.

Oh Kupari....I cannot even begin to understand how you feel. How cruel life can be.
for you and for all who have list someone dear to them.

It is hard people we love dying. After all these years I still miss my husband and those I loved.
Kupari, to lose your daughter, must be you so hard, that is such a special bond.?

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, Applegran

I lost my very dearest friend a few years ago now - very suddenly and unexpectedly. She was the one person with whom I could share confidences and worries, knowing that she would be entirely discreet and never gossip and always had sensible advice. I listened to her worries too, but I'm not sure that my advice was always as sensible!
I have other friends whose company I enjoy but none who I feel would not pass on a snippet to 'just one other person'.

It can take a long while to adjust to the fact that they are no longer here, a friendly voice either in person or on the end of the phone. I am sure she knew what a dear friend you were to her and it is sad that you didn't manage to see her but you were not to know that.

Applegran and a huge virtual hug

Death is so final, especially if like me you cannot believe in God or afterlife, but desperately would like to, as it must be a great comfort. I too lost my Husband a year ago, we'd been together for 53 years and married for 49 of those years, and I hate life without him and the laughs we had. At our time of life, I suspect we are all losing family and friends, and yes it is hard, but I suppose we have to be grateful for the ones we have left and treasure them, but I must admit it is hard at times to stay positive!

I have already posted on GN about my friend who I have lost to dementia. The grief is the same because she is no longer the person I loved and who was my best friend for 35 years.
It is now three years since she began to withdraw from us and she is still bodily there so hugs somehow are no longer
a comfort.
It is better now than after her diagnosis and I am able to get on with my life.
You are allowed to grieve as much as you want even though it was 'only' a friend. The main thing you had her at those times you needed a friend, she was there for you. Some women never have such a deep friendship.
I have had a poster made from a lovely photo of my friend
and look at it many times. I do still see her as she is now and her husband says it does her good to see me. I have to accept that that is all there is.
Hugs!!!

Grief is hard and takes many forms. Sorrow, love, anger, regret amongst them. I lost my husband over 10 years ago and a very dear friend a few years ago. I am left with many happy memories for which I am very grateful.
A couple of things have happened in my life in the last two years and these have finally given me a new lease of life.

My dear friend died in 2001, and time hasn't lessened the pain and grief I feel at her passing.

So sorry for your loss and you clearly understand the long and painful process of grief but I would say that your feelings of regret can be let go off. It’s a fact that we can’t always stay in touch with people that are special to us. Life does get in the way and for a host of reasons, we can go months or years without seeing each other. This doesn’t negate the friendship that you had and I’m sure you were as special to her too. This is life ...we can’t always control it...and it’s natural that you feel like this. The regret will pass with time and you will be left with good memories.

I really feel for you. I lost my best friend who I had known from the age of 5 years old 7 years ago. She was definitely 'my sister from another mister'. We were little girls together, teenagers together, women together, and we thought we would grow old together'...not meant to be. We were very close, saw each other all the time. I helped her when she was ill. To this day there is a terrible void, and I will miss her until the day I die. The grief for you is raw at the moment. try and remember the lovely things about your friendship. It does get easier, but the void is always there. I often think ''I wish she was there to ask', or wish she was at celebrations...never forget...life can be cruel'...don't live with regret, just embrace that lovely friendship. x

?. It's such a sad time for you, and, as many have already said, we all deal with our grief differently - there's no right way or wrong way. Take your time, but try hard not to beat yourself up with "if only's". Your friend will have loved you for you, just as you loved her. Try to take some comfort from that, and take care.

Last year I lost a friend who was 91 and I read about her death in a Journal I subscribe to. It was a terrible shock, even at that age. She was Italian, living in Florence, and I had bought a train ticket from Venice to go and see her in March, while I was there but when I rang her two days before, she said not to come, as she was going into hospital. I think she really died of a broken heart because her son - her only child, gay so no grandchildren - had died in February and she was suffering terrible grief. I shall always regret that I didn't see her to hug her but I managed to get in touch with her son's civil partner and he gave me her nephew's email. I now know where she is buried and will take flowers to her grave next month. Don't know why I'm telling you all this except that I wanted to say how I understand the OP's grief and also the frustration that comes with it. A feeling of unfinished business.

I too am sitting crying reading these posts. Sincere condolences to all suffering loss

I am sitting in the lovely sunshine and crying at all your posts. I took my best friend for granted then somehow we drifted apart. But I always thought she’d be there for me and I for her. She died and now it is my biggest regret that I didn’t try harder to get back in touch - I did try but not hard enough. To all if you who have been better friends, wives, mothers than I, give yourselves time and enjoy, if you can, the happiness you shared.

Applegran. It is a sad fact of life that, as we grow older, our circle of friends and family diminishes. I have lost my husband and quite a few friends in the last few years. When someone dies we always have a number of "I wish that..." "Why didn't I...." "If only...." It's part of the grieving process. I hope that you will soon be able to remember the good times with your friend, and come to terms with the sadness.

On a practical note - I hope that you are able to contact your friend's family, and have a chat about your friendship, and share their loss. I have been in the position of hearing that someone has died and not having any means of contacting the family. As for myself, I have compiled a list of names, addresses, phone numbers and email addresses of all the people who are to be contacted when I depart this life. It will make things a bit easier for the family, when the time comes, and avoid people being upset at not finding out what has happened.

Applegran---I'm so sorry for your loss; time will gradually soften the grief, but it takes a long time and there will be flareups now and then. Talking about it to understanding friends will help. Have you a picture of her that you could put where you can see it often and keep a little vase of fresh flowers by it in her memoryand honour?
My best friend died 3 years ago and it is still very raw. She was the one person who refused to accept my outward prickly shell and dug around inside to find my true core. She was kind, generous, funny, loving and the nicest, bravest person you could ever know. I miss her every day and well up with tears every time I pass her house. I had a dream the other night where I was at a séance ( something I would NEVER do) and the medium said that she had to tell a joke which would mean something to someone in the audience. It was the one that my friend told me dozens of times, her memory not being too good in later years, and the message that came with it was that she was with her late husband and would be waiting to meet me when my time came. I know it was only a dream, but I woke up feeling comforted. I'm writing this with tears pouring down my face.
Sending

I think it was the Queen who said "Grief is the price you pay for love", so true. I lost my mother nearly seven years ago, we were very close as she was a single mother. She was my "rock", and I think of her and miss her every day. I try to focus on the good things in life, like my GS, born after she died. I felt so sad to read your post, Applegran, and send love and hugs to you.

Kupari

Applegran I am sorry to hear bout the death of your friend.
I have never had a special friend so in some ways I envy you. I have lots of acquaintances , people I speak to every day etc but never had a special friend.

My daughter died two years ago and (at the risk of sounding odd) she was like a friend to me as well. She was great fun , was often on the phone, and I spent lots of happy times with her and the children. we often met up just for a coffee etc. Now I just have a gaping empty hole in life that I can never fill.
Only time will ease the pain of your grief, its very hard isnt it.

Loss is inevitable and with the loss of those you have loved comes grief.
I have shed many tears and been knocked sideways by the premature deaths of good friends over the last few years, but at this point in my life, having lost my DH 5 months ago, my grief for them didn’t even come close. Perhaps some of your regret is based in what you say, that you didn’t know her family well, so you may feel cut off and , the impersonal way of hearing of her death will not have helped.
I hear everything you are saying, it is still, as they say “early days” for you, but your memories will always be there. Cherish those but also spare a thought for her family in their loss.