My friend has died - living with grief and regret

Feeling your pain and loss Applegran,
Grief is indeed such a complicated matter,where there maybe certain elements that occur with us all, personally I have found we all differ so,and that what I might feel can be quite different to your feelings.....and yet so very real.
You obviously feel pangs of regret at not having that last chance to speak and show your love to this dear soul.It is very raw at the moment, and was not the best way to receive the sad news.
You need to give yourself the time to come to terms with this loss, and at some stage you will realise first and foremost, she certainly enjoyed a "good innings" Although you were not part of her final chapter, you can now dedicate the time and place in your heart just for her, and the memories you shared.
Sending a few virtual hugs and some [ flowers] to show others do understand.

Applegran, I lost my best friend 2 years ago and I am still grieving - she lived 1/2 hour from me - we met up regularly ....she was my voice of reason. I would always ring her and unload all my problems. She always listened and gave the right advice.
She was taken away too soon.... I remember taking her to her first mammogram recall...it's one of those Breast Centres where they do mammo, biopsy and results all in one day. I tried to comfort her and assured her that Breast Cancer is curable....unfortunately hers wasn't ....she had a difficult 6 months . I miss her every day. She didn't have much but she was the kindest, sweetest, most generous human being I have had the honour of sharing a big part of my life with.
So, I know how you feel

So sad for you - but so wonderful that you had the precious gift of a good friend for so long. Hang onto that and let the grief take its course.

An old friend of mine died last year, it was a shock, as she was younger than me.
I felt sad to think of all the fun we had in our youth, and for her family.
As I couldn't go to the funeral I rang her family and had a long conversation with each of them - memories from all sides. Maybe if you do that it will help put your grief to rest, Applegran.

One of my closest friends died very suddenly and prematurely 10 years ago. I still miss her and grieve for her.

Whenever your friend died, for you it was only yesterday and that is very very recent. We always have regrets when someone dear to us dies, but (gritted teeth) life is a journey, a cliche, but true. If you had gone to see her you may not have done something else, which could also have led to later regrets.

So sorry

It is so sad but at our age we seem to be loosing friends so often . We had a large circle of friends when we moved 20 years ago but now so many are gone . Why not give some money to a cause your friend would have liked in her memory.

Applegranregrets and a longing to hug a loved one you've lost and the desire to hear their voice just one more time are all part of the grieving process.

The strength of these feelings are a testament to your love for your friend.

I am crying, having read all your kind and caring responses - good tears, remembering my friend. Thank you. Love to everyone who has lost someone - and I guess that is, in the end, most of us.

I do think this is difficult, when one doesn't know the family well. When my last surviving parent died, I went through the address books (the one by the phone and the one in the Xmas card box) and made sure that everyone was contacted. Even so, the following Xmas, 2 cards arrived from people I hadn't managed to contact. I wrote and told them, with an explanation.
I tried to do this because over the years, I have had friends 'drop off' without anyone contacting me and it is very upsetting.
In a somewhat different situation - but one where I hadn't 'said goodbye' properly I did this: I went to a place that reminded me of my friend, sat on a bench and thought about her. I chose a card from a nearby shop, and sent it, with a cheque, to a charity that I knew would have pleased her. I posted it, saying 'thank you for being my friend'.

Applegran Sending you ((hugs)) at this sad time you will remember all the special times you had together and be able to smile in time.
My OH lost his best friend of 50yrs 2 weeks ago and he was devastated to say the least but this past week we have had many laughs at the things they did when they first started work together all those years ago.

Applegran, my heart goes out to you. I am sure many of us have lost people over the years, and some of these are truly special souls who have touched our lives in unique ways. One of the posters said her friend was "the voice of reason" in her life. My friend was the person who made me let my hair down, laugh a lot and stop being so serious. She died fifteen years ago, almost to the day. I miss her even today, and know there will never be another friend quite as close or quite as special for me.
You speak of your friend with such affection, I am sure this is very hard for you. I found that I had to cry it out, but we are all different. I try to remember the happy times we shared. I was so fortunate to have her. Don't feel guilty for not having seen her again, remember all the times you did share, and all the lovely things you had together.
Big hugs, xxx

Still miss my dear friend who died nearly 20 years ago. We shared so much as young mums, and she was so supportive when I left my ex. She had three sons and would have loved a daughter. She would have been so thrilled to know her three GDs. Hugs to you Applegran.

I think what I am hearing is regert or even * guilt* that you did not know your friend was close to the end.
One of “Paws former work friends got a bit “cool” with me when he rang the day after the funeral to ask when it was.
I felt dreadful at first and then I thought, hang on, I’m the bereaved person here. But I could understand his regret that he had missed saying Goodbye.
As for missing your best friend? I can understand that. I have lost my best friend, my life’s partner, the man I spent 51 years with. The thought that I shall never hear his voice again in this life devastates me. I miss him every second of every day.
A good friend is someone very precious

“Regret” - not what I wrote.

Applegran - and everyone else who has lost a person dear to them - I am so sorry to hear of your friend's death.

I too have lost a good friend in the last few months and also have feelings of regret and guilt as to whether I was a good enough friend. She was a very lovely person - jokey and fun (she would have loved the recent jokes thread). She didn't want any of her friends to visit her in the last few weeks (although we kept in touch by e-mail and text) and, although it was her wish, I do feel regret.

Applegran feel for you. I only found out a couple of weeks ago that my dear boss of thirty years died last year and no one told me although I had asked them, I was closer to his wife admittedly who died a few years ago but I would have loved to have gone to his memorial and really cross I wasn't given the chance as he was pivotal in my young life and although we only kept in touch at Christmas, he wasn't ever forgotten and I remember those early days so fondly, a great teacher and he believed in me as a young insecure 18 year old, precious.
Applegran think fondly, try not to regret

I’m so sorry applegran you sound very sad indeed. My first post here was to express regret that I hadn’t known a friend was dying and share my feelings about her loss. It helped to write it down, I hope telling us has helped you, even if in a small way. Grief is individual, no rights or wrongs, I agree, finding s time and place to say goodbye to this special person could help, as could making a donation in her name to a cause she would have been pleased to support. I was lucky, my friends family contacted me, I know she wouldn’t have wanted to share her awareness of the severity of her illness out of her family. Sadly it wasn’t possible to attend her funeral as a holiday had been booked out of the UK, it helped me to think of all the attributes that made her the person she was and to make a donation in her name. I hope you will find something to help you.

I am grateful for the kindness and understanding from Gransnetters - and it does help. It is like having a flock of good friends around me.

Glad you you are getting some comfort take care ?

It's really hard when someone dies .my mother in law died recently and she was 95 I was expecting her to go someday and she was quite demanding all our married life.felt as though she was our third person in the marriage but I still miss her. Weird I felt a sense of release at first but now miss her. I suppose we all go through the stages. Wishing you well .

Loss is inevitable and with the loss of those you have loved comes grief.
I have shed many tears and been knocked sideways by the premature deaths of good friends over the last few years, but at this point in my life, having lost my DH 5 months ago, my grief for them didn’t even come close. Perhaps some of your regret is based in what you say, that you didn’t know her family well, so you may feel cut off and , the impersonal way of hearing of her death will not have helped.
I hear everything you are saying, it is still, as they say “early days” for you, but your memories will always be there. Cherish those but also spare a thought for her family in their loss.

Applegran I am sorry to hear bout the death of your friend.
I have never had a special friend so in some ways I envy you. I have lots of acquaintances , people I speak to every day etc but never had a special friend.

My daughter died two years ago and (at the risk of sounding odd) she was like a friend to me as well. She was great fun , was often on the phone, and I spent lots of happy times with her and the children. we often met up just for a coffee etc. Now I just have a gaping empty hole in life that I can never fill.
Only time will ease the pain of your grief, its very hard isnt it.

Kupari