Am i being taken for granted or is it just me

"I think the best way forward, is to make sure you have a full life-and when you speak to them, broadcast the fact!"

I totally agree with you on that SussexGirl60 and we do have an active life but the funny thing is that seems to cause resentment. We were taken to task recently because we won't leave our dogs for more than 4 hours so our visits are too brief.

To be honest I envy you. I only have one d who has made it quite clear she will never have children. I know this is her decision but as all my friends become grandparents I find it really painful . Be grateful they trust you enough to look after their kids.

I am not needed to babysit anymore Grandchildren are teenagers, but I dont very often "speak" to my Daughter, she texts whenever she wants something, has something to tell me, she doesnt like chatting on the phone, maybe as her job entails talking a lot during the day.
My Son and I SKYPE most evenings, he is a single parent and I think our chats cheer him up, I hope so.
I dont really have any complaints.

But I do add this....you REALLY do have to say no occasionally ... It concentrates the minds of the 'takers' in this world.

Well that is life. You have to decide what you are willing to accept and so and stick to it.
I am a grandpa as well and I get a lot of requests some are not reasonable at all and I just have to be honest and say no
It is a bit of juggling game unfortunately and I think my grown-up children see life totally differently that I do that is for sure .
Go with the flow and do what you are happy doing and accept that life is like that for most grandparents.
Welcome to the Club
Joseph
Child Psychotherapist

I'm with eloethan on this one..... My son is not married ..lives alone , texts me often usually with clips from you tube he thinks might interest me. He's not high-powered...got a 'normal' job not very well paid... but doesn't seem to mind. I invite him for Sunday lunch about once a month , sometimes he can come over , sometimes working, or heaven forbid seeing friends ( he has lots) for lunch. Whatever the answer I shrug my shoulders and get on with MY life!! My daughter never calls unless she wants one or both of the kids looking after... Picking up from....taking to school. I dot his regularly three times a week and cook thier teas.... then I get two buses home, which takes me 1.5 hours! She is totally oblivious to what help I give her.... I don't believe she's ungrateful , just oblivious !! She is a child psychologist and works in various schools with quite difficult stressed out children. She looks totally exhausted most of the time.... so I'm glad to do it .... I just say this to stress he difference between my two kids. All of them wether reared the same or not are different. My daughter takes after my totally lazy husbands side of family.... and my son takes after my over-energetic ... no time to waste family!! Nothing is too much trouble for him to sort out for me ( technology usually) ... but my daughter takes very iota she's given, like she's desperate . Genetics is a strange thing!!

I think the best way forward, is to make sure you have a full life-and when you speak to them, broadcast the fact! They may just assume that they have you on tap when they want...and yes, that does amount to being taken for granted. As much as you love being with your grandchildren, I’d not be quite as available. It won’t hurt to say no once in a while.

Well, if it makes you feel any better I could have written your post. I don't think there is anything the matter it is just how things are with some families now. What with distance and the fact that they are so busy. It's not a case of ignoring deliberately it's just they don't think. Whenever I start to think they never contact me except when they need anything I get a call or a text and a couple of minutes in - yep - they want something.
The only thing you can do is to keep busy with your own life so that you are not on permanent alert for any contact.

I think this is all part of being a grandparent. I'm sure my own parents probably felt I treated them this way when my children were young. Maybe both parents are working, then getting home to their children who need food, bath and bed, followed by cooking a meal for themselves, often not relaxing til after 9pm. I'm more than happy to be called on when needed. Send a quick text- it's not their job to always ring you.

I’m aftaid I agree with you and would feel the same. I notice that it’s quite widespread that children feel they can visit or phone whenever , but they don’t like it when you do the same . When they get older they will realise what they have been taking for granted. I feel although it might be hard and expect some flak in the beginning , that some equality should be restored, didn’t our generation do a lot of the fighting for equality for goodness sake!!, I feel you should be unavailable the next time you are expected to drop everything . Yes things will get worse before they get better but if so , then it will allow you to put your side of the story. After spending some time on Mumsnet I can’t begin to say how disappointed I am from what I’ve read. Left feeling it’s all about me me me. And the AIBU just leaves me in despair. I thought this generation would be independent free thinking women but they seem to need to seek permission from their peers for everything. How did we and our mothers ever manage without social media !! And all mod cons available now . They want their cake and eat it and then some or so it seems. I would be mortified if one of my posts appeared on the Sun online as one did last week. The replies to OP were just so unkind about the mother they were talking about and I really felt for the poor mother they were talking about. Oh well !!

I was asked three days last week "will you please pop to pick M....from school" - only50 miles round trip. No birthday card yesterday!!!

I'm sorry so many of you are having this problem, but the thread has given me some comfort that it's not just me.

Agree wholeheartedly Eloethan. I’m just in the process of extracting myself from a very serious (and expensive) error of judgement in moving to Australia from the UK last August to be closer to my daughter and Grandchildren. I’ve worked hard at trying to settle here (with very limited help or support, but lots of expectations of ‘Grannie Time’/being picked up when wanted and dropped when not) and it’s been tough. Having put up with many months of really poor behaviour from my daughter (I’m not going to go into it here, it would fill a novel ...) I have decided enough is enough. I’ll be sad to leave the Grandchildren, but if I were to stay (and thereby collude with the behaviour ) I think it would be really unhealthy emotionally. My daughter, sadly, is someone I no longer feel I can trust or relate to.

Alimarb - I really understand how you feel as we have felt that we were being taken for granted - used for childcare but rarely contacted socially. It came to a head a couple of months ago when DD and I had a heated 'discussion' and as a result we are getting more phone calls for a chat and a catch up on what the grandchildren have been doing. We have also decided to be a little less available. I agree Jayelld, that it is really important to have an honest and open discussion and also accept that they have their busy, family lives. Enjoy the fact that it frees up time for yourself.

Live your life, have interests, activities and a schedule (one you enjoy). Then fit them in if/when you can. Its lovely you have adult children, and that you have grandchildren and that you are all on speaking terms and living normal lives. It's good you don't see/hear from them all the time - shows they are independent and happy.

I have 1 D, a SIL and 4 GCs, who live 15 miles away. When they lived in the same town I was a constant visitor especially as my D had problem births. When they moved 8 years ago, I refused to move with them as this put time and space between us. As I don't drive, it's an hours bus journey on country roads, and the bus runs every two hours, last bus, 5pm.
If I babysit it means an overnight stay which the GD love, they call it "Nannies sleepover".
Until they moved, I was on call 24/7, and this led to a horrendous argument one morning and I walked away, I'd finally had enough of being used and taken for granted, then being threatened with not seeing my GDs was the last straw.
I never contact my D after an argument and it was 3 days before she rang me. An hour later we'd sorted a few things out but not everything so I was still not happy. An hour later she called me back, very excited, they'd been offered a 3 bed house in a nearby town, did I want to view it with her?
That half hour car journey cleared the air further and we both worked hard to rebuild a proper mother/daughter relationship.
I now visit once a week, with extra thrown in for school concerts fetes etc. I'm also the only one my D trusts to babysit. With an 11 yr old who is ASD/ADHD and the 6yr old with life threatening allergies and a 9yr old who is a talented dancer/singer/actor, and the 16yrs old about to do GCSEs, life is very hectic.
Both my daughter and I have worked very hard to create a balanced relationship and like others, we are in contact with each other through phone, Whatsapp and texts as well as phone calls.
I think it is important to be honest and open, telling each other what you think, how you feel and what you expect from each other. If there is a misunderstanding or disagreement, don't let it "fester" and damage your relationship. (This has happened to my sister and her adult son and they no longer see or talk to each other which means that my sister has little or no contact with her GD).

Oh dear, I wouldn't put with my adult daughters constantly wanting things done for them but never offering any concern for me. You lot are allowing it to happen by facilitating it. I see them both socially and when I help with the grandchildren and we enjoy each others' company going to the cinema, for meals etc.

I hope all you 'bad' parents are not planning on leaving your ungrateful lot any inheritance. You can always bypass them and leave it in trust for the grandchildren or there are plenty of other worthwhile causes. Neglect should not be rewarded, in my opinion, and it would be a lesson well learnt by those who practise it.

Interestingly, while reading this post, I've received a text from DD asking if I'd like to meet her and DGD at a park for a picnic lunch. This doesn't happen often, so I'm dropping everything to do it!

I do think that our grown up children, especially those with young families, are just so much busier than we were at their ages. A lot of them work full time, whereas I think a lot of our generation women perhaps were stay at home mothers or worked part time. A lot of people have longer commutes these days and that adds to their day. Their children are busier with clubs/activities etc so parents are always chauffeuring around. So perhaps inadvertently they can be thoughtless when it comes to their parents. And they probably think we should be enjoying our free time without a second thought for them.

I agree with those who say don't make yourself available for every request. Please get yourself some enjoyable things to do so you are genuinely unavailable for some babysitting. That will make it easier to say "NO". I would think that a balance of not being able to oblige every third request will give them the message that you have a life to live.

No , you would miss them if you weren't asked and probably complain, your children still look on you to rely on, even now they are grown, and working parents barely have enough time to do their own things without thinking
"I must visit/phone mum/dad" all the time.
sorry if this sounds harsh, not meant for you specifically but lots of posts either complaining about not seeing children/g.children compared to other sides parents or complaining about being taken for granted. I'm sure they all love their mums and dads dearly and appreciate all the help they give, even if they don't say it.

I am always being used by my Dd.
And it’s always to look after dgs.

“Can you have him for an hour while I do this or that”
Trouble is, it usually turns out to be much longer than I anticipated or wanted.
We never have nice mum and daughter chats as she is always in a rush.
Just recently her washing machine broke down and I have been doing her laundry. I don’t mind really, but once again I am feeling. Used.
I only seem to see her when she is tired and stressed, so visits are stressful for me too.

We are grandparents, and we all want a relationship with our grandchildren. Relationships take a lot of input. These are vehicles for building such relationships.
Our children are probably very busy, with full-time jobs. Seriously do we not remember duty calls home to our parents, when we were younger. We may have little in common with them now except the grandchildren.

Most of our children lead busy lives and time rushes by. I often don't get calls or texts from my kids for weeks, of course I miss them but I don't blame them. When I needed them they stepped up to the mark, now
I'm mobile and not dependent on anyone again they are quite rightly getting on with their lives.

Funnily enough when I was talking to someone about this they suggested that I actually ring my daughter when she uses messenger, texts etc. My daughter and even her husband only communicate with these! If I actually speak to her it is very different. I help a lot with her children and rarely see her for something fun but I try to put that in sometimes - just a small outing for the two of us.
My son in London with no children sends me messages on What's app and we have a group one with all 3 children which works well as they all post to each other and me and we share photos and music and so on.
The son in Wales with 3 children does ring me every week as he finds that easier. I don't see them nearly as much as I would like so take whatever I can get! As someone said they all have busy lives with young children, jobs etc I wouldn't want to add to any pressure.
I guess babysitting means we actually see the grandchildren and are helping our children.
I think it is up to us sometimes to keep the lines of communication open and as others have said be thankful you can see the grandchildren and have quality time with them. I do say no if I have something else on.