Am i being taken for granted or is it just me

Snap Alimarb....just had a text from d.i.l. to "book my grandson in" for 3 days next month. I only get texts when they want something. I have 1 daughter and 2 sons. Even my daughter doesn't call me for a chat or anything like that. She said that I never listen and i am always getting the wrong end of the stick. My sons never phone me either. I contact them via the d.i.l.s. I feel the generation gap is working against us. We have nothing in common with them. Like your children, they get on ok with each other and I think they gossip about me, the girls I mean. I am left out and feel very neglected. I'm on my own and that makes it worse. Just have to accept it I suppose. Must mention, my daughter and I have very strong personalities and very opinionated,..so we butt heads quite often. Sometimes it's stressful going to her house or she to mine. Silence us golden, but you're right, I sometimes think I must have been a bad mother.....isn't it nice that we have gransnet to offload all our problems on to?
All the best !!

Not sure why you feel redundant you DC and DN trust you to look after their precious little ones.

Maybe when you are not babysitting, your time could be spent on your own interests and hobbies.

Families with young children are often busy juggling home, children and work.

You have done a good job raising independent children - time to step back a little.

I think children these days function in a different world. There is email, text, constant online use. I think our children feel as though they are in touch even if they are not. My DSs often say "didn't I tell you, or "I thought I'd mentioned". They all lead such busy and active lives. As long as they are happy, I don't mind.

There is being kind and helpful and then there is being a doormat. Whatever the current practices re technology may be, I think it is unkind and discourteous to take a parent's help for granted and to only contact a parent when help is needed.

I think I would be inclined to make myself unavailable on some occasions when I was not asked whether it was convenient for me to give support. We are very supportive of our children but it is never taken for granted that we will be available, and we are always thanked for our help.

To take the "As long as they are happy, I don't mind" approach seems to me to be in danger of reinforcing the "me, me, me" frame of mind. In my view, accepting selfish and insensitive behaviour will reinforce it and can create a sense of entitlement and a lack of respect for other people's feelings.

I think I'm in the same situation. My relationships with both my children are very one-sided, with me doing most of the work.

My son is a single father, and every day I get up at 6-30am to take his two children to school , then again in the afternoon I do the reverse trip. I also do a lot of parental things like going to teacher interviews and purchasing their uniforms, etc.

For my daughter, I drive over there once a week and give her house a good clean, do the washing and ironing. Then pick up the children and have a few happy hours with them before their parents get home.

Apart from these regular times, I don't really socialise with my adult children at all. They are both very loving, express gratitude for what I do, and send nice little text messages. I'd never complain, I see all my grandchildren every week and I know that some people see theirs rarely or never. But I do sometimes wonder what would happen if for some reason I couldn't do these weekly appointments - would they ever just ring to have a chat ? Or ask if I'd like to come over for dinner ? I guess I don't want to find out the answer to that one.

The secret is Alimarb, don't make yourself so available, make yourself busy doing things you enjoy, then you will be genuinely too busy to answer the phone sometimes.You may find you suddenly become more interesting to them.We did this with our son, it got to the stage were he was ringing every few weeks, and I answered the phone with how can I help you, he got the message ! . He doesn't call now for a chat, but texts regularly, and pops in now and again.

Only one of my three will actually ring for a chat if she hasn’t heard from me for a couple of weeks. DD1 keeps in touch with me via Facebook - along with all her 200+ friends. At least that’s how it used to be. Now there’s WhatsApp.

WhatsApp has been the boon in my life. We’re all in a group and odd messages and photos fly between regularly. Almost daily. They chat amongst themselves in a way they never used to and we’re all a lot closer. Its the way they keep in touch these days and it works brilliantly. If you can’t beat them, join them!

I agree with Seaside. Make sure you have call recognition on your home and mobile phone and simply let them go to answerphone. Ignore texts.

If they truly only get in touch they’ll be forced to try again. You can perhaps choose to answer the phone, while still ignoring texts, on their third attempt with the excuse you’ve been busy.

DD is terrible for getting in touch. I did spend 2 yrs doing daily child care but mostly since she married she's lived too far away and circumstances changed as a lot of you will know. She will send me random texts about something that's happened never just "hi, how are you" If she rings to ask something I take the chance to chat and that can turn into an hour or more but she works long shifts and I don't ring her as I never know when she is working. We can go 2-3 wks or more without any communication.
I've asked her several times, just send a quick text once a week but it dosen't happen.

The thing that hurts Alimarb is your being taken for granted, their not giving you much thought, and that hurts.My dil mother lives 200 mile away, but has never helped with child care even in school holidays , were we have done loads, even taking some annual leave to care for him as he didn't like the playscheme he was ment to be attending.It's very frustrating then to hear dil talk about the special weekends she can share with her mum, whilst never including us on days out. The point is she thinks the world of her mum, even though she has never helped with child care or financially.I think I too need to learn from this although it is difficult.

We all get taken for granted and my AC are the gold medal winners when it comes to making me feel "used". However anyone who is lucky enough to be asked to look after GC should jump all over it, regardless, and I cant agree with the advice to make yourself unavailable sometimes. If you are available, then have them and enjoy it. You are lucky, there are a lot of GM's out there who would love the opportunity. Maybe just contact your ac more in between to keep regular contact?
I don't really understand why the niece is doing the same thing though and I'd have a chat with her about it.

My DD & I keep in touch using Messager (on Facebook), this really started when DD was pregnant with DGS2, less intrusive than ringing or not managing to ring at "the right time" due to her commitments with DGS1 who was 7 at the time. I don't do any childcare as DD doesn't work (she is Carer for her OH) & always arrange visits mostly to make sure she's at home. Life is lived very differently now as the younger generation rely more on social media which wasn't available when we were bring our DC up

Well you have made me feel much better . Thought I was the only one that felt like this thank you Gransnet x

Funnily enough when I was talking to someone about this they suggested that I actually ring my daughter when she uses messenger, texts etc. My daughter and even her husband only communicate with these! If I actually speak to her it is very different. I help a lot with her children and rarely see her for something fun but I try to put that in sometimes - just a small outing for the two of us.
My son in London with no children sends me messages on What's app and we have a group one with all 3 children which works well as they all post to each other and me and we share photos and music and so on.
The son in Wales with 3 children does ring me every week as he finds that easier. I don't see them nearly as much as I would like so take whatever I can get! As someone said they all have busy lives with young children, jobs etc I wouldn't want to add to any pressure.
I guess babysitting means we actually see the grandchildren and are helping our children.
I think it is up to us sometimes to keep the lines of communication open and as others have said be thankful you can see the grandchildren and have quality time with them. I do say no if I have something else on.

Most of our children lead busy lives and time rushes by. I often don't get calls or texts from my kids for weeks, of course I miss them but I don't blame them. When I needed them they stepped up to the mark, now
I'm mobile and not dependent on anyone again they are quite rightly getting on with their lives.

We are grandparents, and we all want a relationship with our grandchildren. Relationships take a lot of input. These are vehicles for building such relationships.
Our children are probably very busy, with full-time jobs. Seriously do we not remember duty calls home to our parents, when we were younger. We may have little in common with them now except the grandchildren.

I am always being used by my Dd.
And it’s always to look after dgs.

“Can you have him for an hour while I do this or that”
Trouble is, it usually turns out to be much longer than I anticipated or wanted.
We never have nice mum and daughter chats as she is always in a rush.
Just recently her washing machine broke down and I have been doing her laundry. I don’t mind really, but once again I am feeling. Used.
I only seem to see her when she is tired and stressed, so visits are stressful for me too.

No , you would miss them if you weren't asked and probably complain, your children still look on you to rely on, even now they are grown, and working parents barely have enough time to do their own things without thinking
"I must visit/phone mum/dad" all the time.
sorry if this sounds harsh, not meant for you specifically but lots of posts either complaining about not seeing children/g.children compared to other sides parents or complaining about being taken for granted. I'm sure they all love their mums and dads dearly and appreciate all the help they give, even if they don't say it.

I agree with those who say don't make yourself available for every request. Please get yourself some enjoyable things to do so you are genuinely unavailable for some babysitting. That will make it easier to say "NO". I would think that a balance of not being able to oblige every third request will give them the message that you have a life to live.

I do think that our grown up children, especially those with young families, are just so much busier than we were at their ages. A lot of them work full time, whereas I think a lot of our generation women perhaps were stay at home mothers or worked part time. A lot of people have longer commutes these days and that adds to their day. Their children are busier with clubs/activities etc so parents are always chauffeuring around. So perhaps inadvertently they can be thoughtless when it comes to their parents. And they probably think we should be enjoying our free time without a second thought for them.

Interestingly, while reading this post, I've received a text from DD asking if I'd like to meet her and DGD at a park for a picnic lunch. This doesn't happen often, so I'm dropping everything to do it!

Oh dear, I wouldn't put with my adult daughters constantly wanting things done for them but never offering any concern for me. You lot are allowing it to happen by facilitating it. I see them both socially and when I help with the grandchildren and we enjoy each others' company going to the cinema, for meals etc.

I hope all you 'bad' parents are not planning on leaving your ungrateful lot any inheritance. You can always bypass them and leave it in trust for the grandchildren or there are plenty of other worthwhile causes. Neglect should not be rewarded, in my opinion, and it would be a lesson well learnt by those who practise it.

I have 1 D, a SIL and 4 GCs, who live 15 miles away. When they lived in the same town I was a constant visitor especially as my D had problem births. When they moved 8 years ago, I refused to move with them as this put time and space between us. As I don't drive, it's an hours bus journey on country roads, and the bus runs every two hours, last bus, 5pm.
If I babysit it means an overnight stay which the GD love, they call it "Nannies sleepover".
Until they moved, I was on call 24/7, and this led to a horrendous argument one morning and I walked away, I'd finally had enough of being used and taken for granted, then being threatened with not seeing my GDs was the last straw.
I never contact my D after an argument and it was 3 days before she rang me. An hour later we'd sorted a few things out but not everything so I was still not happy. An hour later she called me back, very excited, they'd been offered a 3 bed house in a nearby town, did I want to view it with her?
That half hour car journey cleared the air further and we both worked hard to rebuild a proper mother/daughter relationship.
I now visit once a week, with extra thrown in for school concerts fetes etc. I'm also the only one my D trusts to babysit. With an 11 yr old who is ASD/ADHD and the 6yr old with life threatening allergies and a 9yr old who is a talented dancer/singer/actor, and the 16yrs old about to do GCSEs, life is very hectic.
Both my daughter and I have worked very hard to create a balanced relationship and like others, we are in contact with each other through phone, Whatsapp and texts as well as phone calls.
I think it is important to be honest and open, telling each other what you think, how you feel and what you expect from each other. If there is a misunderstanding or disagreement, don't let it "fester" and damage your relationship. (This has happened to my sister and her adult son and they no longer see or talk to each other which means that my sister has little or no contact with her GD).

Live your life, have interests, activities and a schedule (one you enjoy). Then fit them in if/when you can. Its lovely you have adult children, and that you have grandchildren and that you are all on speaking terms and living normal lives. It's good you don't see/hear from them all the time - shows they are independent and happy.