Poor relationship with mil

Synonymous, this kind of post is very common on other big internet forums which are aimed at mums rather than grans. There are a huge number of families involved in this kind of high conflict situation.

(I say high conflict because every situation is different and its not possible to assign ‘blame’ as a blanket term, but all of them are definitely experiencing a high level of conflict)

With this flurry of posts and the way in wich they are couched I am wondering if the op is actually a student on some course or another using the replies on here to make up for her own lack of life experience as she writes a thesis or some such thing.

I find it difficult to believe that anyone can be so cold and unfeeling as this or be totally unable to have even a little flexibility.

I reiterate if the op is indeed genuine then she should just 'fast forward' and she will be the mil.

Re family childcare:

This is a bloody tricky one.

I stay at home with my own so this issue doesn’t arise, but for a number of years I worked part time and did childcare for another family member a day or two a week. Other family members including the grans filled in the rest.

I had a lovely time but there was real trouble between the mum and the grans and an aunty. The aunty often cried off at short notice which caused the mum a lot of stress trying to see if any of the rest of the ‘rota’ were available, and one of the grans in particular was very unwilling to keep to mum’s ‘rules’ for the wee one which caused massive grief. Mum and the gran are now NC and the gran rarely sees the wee one.

Mum found it very difficult to not be able to rely on her rota because of illness/cancellatioms, and the grans and aunty felt they were being used as free childcare and mum was being ungrateful. Family relationships between them all have sadly not recovered.

I do think if you want things done exactly as you say, then having a professional relationship with your childcare provider is probably better for everyone. If you don’t get what you are paying for, you can find a new provider and there will not be all the hurt feelings and family fallout that can come from changing a ‘family’ arrangement.

Can’t be doing with this ‘my way or no way’.

I know you've never mentioned cutting her out and I can see from your posts that your m.i.l. is able to see you as a family Sj. I was trying to make you aware of how upsetting it would have been for her to be refused the child care she'd offered regardless of whether or not it had ever been suggested that she may help out in this way.

PS when our first GC was born, our son used to 'phone me with questions and/or concerns but never from home, usually on his mobile when he was walking the dog.

No one was wanting to go behind anyone's back, he obviously needed reassurance and/or advice from his mum and knew she would resent it.

@maggiemaybe. Child gets 5oz I’d supplement so that’s where the bottle comes in

Just the one so far

Oh God! I thought people were posting unnecessarily harsh replies to the OP but, having read the last flurry, I agree with them. Is this a joke perhaps? Surely someone can't be so tough, inflexible and stern with own mother or mother in law? Where's the courtesy and pleasantries between family members? If it isn't a joke designed to wind us all up, then please OP, take a look at your own words and reflect on how you sound - dreadfully hard and inflexible, poor baby, that's all I can say.

@smileless2012. I am very sorry to hear about your situation

I by no means am advocating for a cut off of anyone. No where in my post did I say I wanted to sever contact. I absolutely do not want that.

We visit my in laws as a family; is that not something anyone else does?

Also we had never agreed for mil to keep my child 3 days - in fact before lo was born we had already discussed a daycare to ensure consistency, routine, learning and socialization.

@luckygirl. Thanks!

You mentioned you’ve had some troubles too - how have you managed to resolve them?

I feel like I should speak up in the moment but because I’m so shocked at what she is doing I feel it will come off as rude or attacking.

I am someone who follows strict boundaries when dealing with anyone. Example: I will not even think of offering a dog or a child a treat until I ask the parents.

Sj where as I can understand your concerns that your m.i.l. may not respect your wishes I also found you OP rather harsh and uncompromising.

I think it's only right to make you aware that I have been estranged from my youngest son and only GC for more than 5 years.

When his wife became pregnant I was asked if I would help out with childcare and jumped at the opportunity. It was agreed that on the days I was to have our GC I'd have him at our home. Mr. S. and I spent a lot of money so that he would have everything he needed to be safe and well looked after. We even bought a baby monitor, not something we'd used for our own, but something they wanted us to have.

Before we were eventually cut out, we were told that he would no longer be coming as he'd been booked in with a child minder. I am crying as I type this paragraph as the pain of packaging every thing up that we'd purchased,so it could be returned, is a raw now as it was then, 5 years ago.

I ask you to be careful, to talk things over with your husband and find ways of dealing with the issues that bother you, together.

You say that you 'deal' with your mother. Mother's and m's.i.l. aren't to be dealt with, they're to be engaged with and listened too. You may find that if you engage and listen to your m.i.l. she may be more willing to engage and listen to you.

I hope for all your sakes that some resolutions and compromises can be found. For your m.i.l., having offered to do childcare for 3 days a week to then learn that your child has been booked in full time with a childminder, will be a painful and hurtful slap in the face.

I know, I still remember the pain of that slap and probably always will.

I’m confused. Are we talking about two children here? If not I don’t understand how MIL can be over-feeding the exclusively breastfed child and where the issue of limited TV time comes in?

So assuming you have an older child as well, what sort of relationship has MIL had with him/her?

@nanaandgrampy no one said she was excluded. We visit as a family once a week or once every two weeks. We all get together and share lunch or dinner.

Would my mil like to come over everyday? Probably. But I prefer the current arrangement for now until firmer boundaries are set.

Posts crossed so didn’t see that last one
Hmmm

sj wow you sound very inflexible, you want family but only when you want them and on your very strict terms.

I hesitate to say you sound like a control freak, but one day you might turn around to find that they don’t want to be around you, because you’ve been so harsh with them,

It’s no fun having a DD who knows it all.

Families are a mix, they are exasperating, funny, loud, noisy, argumentative, loving, caring and can be a godsend when so called friends are too busy to talk to you.

One day you’ll realise this, hopefully soon.

@alexa. Mil and I get along in group settings for the most part. Although one time when I went to BF she said “I guess Lo has to drink from the cow”.

I didn’t reply saying “thanks hag” even thought I wanted to. Even my husband was upset that she would refer to me like that but again, never called her out on her inappropriate comment so that continues to pile on the hostility.

@glammanana. On weekend time my husband and I both discuss if someone is coming over. Ex. My friend texted and asked to come over Sunday - we spoke and agreed she could come. If he said no then she would need to come another day.

My dh does not expect me to have my mil over on my own because he knows how overbearing she can be.

My own mother was overbearing my whole life - I hated it. As an adult I’ve managed to become very assertive with her and if anything she says/does is inappropriate I will call her out immediately to put a stop to it. Dh seems to be afraid to call out mil or message her after the fact so unfortunately it’s a cycle that repeats itself

@chewbacca. I am very upfront with my own mother about boundaries. She, for example, will criticize my brothers weight and he won’t even tell her to stop so I step in and do it.

My mother will say things like “naughty mommy” when baby is crying and waiting to be BF and I’ve sternly told her that if that type of talk persists she will not be welcome over.

I am of the mind that I deal with my mother and dh should deal with his

@iam64. We get along when we see each other in person. Conversation is polite and friendly. I don’t mind family time as long as boundaries are respected. In fact I feel like we would be over more of my husband had a word with her to tone down the advice and overbearing attitude. We visit with them about once a week or once every two weeks. I by no means want to keep them away - however I do not want them over all the time

What makes your dil accuse you of being opinionated and overbearing? And how have you worked to mend this?

I simply don’t trust her to follow our wishes. If my dh would have a conversation about boundaries - no dog licking face. Minimal tv. No guilt trips then maybe it would work. But no conversation has been had.

We visit as a family so she does get her grandma time in

I suppose playing devil’s advocate dontaskme, the concern that she expressed was regarding the baby’s milk consumption. Assuming the husband took his mother’s concerns to be genuine (as I believe they were, however wrong they turned out to be) how else would he have gone about checking the babies health/milk consumption without speaking to the child’s mother? Sneak the little thing to the drs without his wife’s knowledge? Can you imagine the problems that would have caused between them? Even then they ask how often & how long a baby feeds, presumably the husband wouldn’t be able to answer those questions. I don’t think he was necessarily betraying his mothers confidence, just trying to look after his baby.

Yet another MIL going through the mill. I feel sorry for her. So what if she's opinionated? If the opinion was yours too she wouldn't be opinionated would she? I see nothing wrong in her speaking to her son about things and saying not to mention it to you. I wonder why he did? Anyway the poor woman has offered help and advice and it seems you've thrown it back in her face. I think there are many on here who will know how that feels, and it's wrong. Have some respect for who is the mother of your OH and the GP to you child. How would you feel if you partner spoke about your mother in this way? So what if she was persistent about an event you "couldn't" attend? So she continued to feed your child even though you said "no" - I presume that the child hadn't said "no" but if a child is full they'll refuse the food! Won't let her in the house unless your DH is there? Not exactly forging a good relationship with her then are you? And you call it "my" (your) house, so do we take it you live there alone, not with you OH? Won't let her take her own GC out on their own? What on earth is wrong with you? As for her offering to look after GC 3 days a week and you putting him in nursery instead, you have been plain nasty and spiteful. I agree with nanaandgrampy, you DO sound like a controlling mean hearted whiner. I'm so glad you're not MY DIL.

a controlling mean hearted whiner. - that is very harsh and uncalled-for. This lady is struggling with her relationship with her MIL and needs some positive and helpful suggestions as to how to resolve this.

We have all been there - new Mum, relatives putting their oar in. It can be difficult.

Thank god im not your MiL SJ0102.

You sound like a controlling mean hearted whiner. I’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear but all the posts up thread have pointed out how arrogant you sound and I can’t agree more.

Are you afraid to let your MiL have a relationship with your child? Shame on your DH for not explain he wants his parents to be part of your extended family.

I’m just disheartened by yet another post from a DiL shutting out grandparents for mostly, the flimsiest of excuses !