Poor relationship with mil

SJ0102 you clearly have a lot of growing up to do and learning about relationships as well as tact and love.
Family is not all about one person being the 'kingpin' or in your case being the new 'queenpin'. It is about being a complete family unit which obviously includes all the members. Excluding someone is corrosive and poisons everyone involved - ie the whole family. The funny thing about love is that the more we share the more there is and the more there is then there is more we can share.

I do wonder about your relationship with your own mother as you don't mention her. Do you have siblings and if so what is your relationship with them? Your post is all about you so let us look into the future and see what will happen when your baby boy has grown up, possibly without a paternal grandmother, and he marries a girl who adores him but she is not keen on her husband's controlling mother (as that is how you come across). Your son will have learned the lesson from you that paternal grandmothers can be excluded so he will think nothing of it when his wife, your DIL, decides that you are entirely disposable. Now think about your feelings in that situation because it is entirely possible and going by your post is even predictable.

Sj0102 hello.

If you look on this site you will find that there are other threads about this problem where all the grandparents posting replies have said that the MIL is a real problem and the DIL should stay away from her - so they are not biased in favour of MILs, even though it may feel like that to you as you read this thread.

What was your relationship with your MIL like before you had the baby? Is there some history here that adds to the difficulties for you?

I do understand that it is hard when you have a new baby, especially the first. You are finding your feet and naturally anxious to do your best for your new precious arrival -and someone appears to criticise it can feel quite uncomfortable.

One of the things grandparents need to learn to do is to bite their tongues a bit when it comes to passing an opinion about child-rearing! I suspect that your MIL has yet to learn that skill!

Maybe you could start from the premise that she has everyone's best interests at heart, but is going about it the wrong way. Is there some way you could communicate that to her? - tell her that you understand she wants to be helpful, but that you are finding it a bit too much.

I agree with your decision not to leave your baby with her 3 days a week, as you have to have total faith in those caring for your baby, and you would find that very difficult and be concerned that she might not make an attempt to abide by your rules.

I am at a loss to understand why she has been so persistent about the social event that you are unable to attend - that does seem a bit OTT.

I do hope that you can resolve this problem amicably. The longer it goes on the more difficult it will be to resolve; and your OH will be in this awkward situation.

Oh, I see that OP does not allow husband to take the baby to see MIL on his own. I don’t think that is going to work for OP. It is very unpleasant to be excluded but it allows H, MIL and children to have a relationship amongst themselves. There are some things you just have to get used to for a quiet life.

Gummybears I think you are describing a much more extreme situation and in your place I might add another dog to the household - a pit bull! ?
You have my complete sympathy, compared to what you describe I don’t think OP knows she is born.

Sjo102, are there any points of agreement between you and this lady? You seem to be a good mother, breast feeding and concerned about your child's care. Try to be kind to the older woman .

I was given some very kind advice here recently about negotiating an awfully difficult relationship with my own MIL.

I also don’t see her unless husband is also there as she prefers not to see me at all.

Is only seeing MIL when husband is there really uncommon? I thought it was a helpful way to manage a high conflict situation

In the last week she has been over to my house twice, hit both my children and my elderly dog (we do not use physical chastisement at all and she is very well aware of that), and I do not feel I could respond tactfully to this behaviour if I was on my own with her.

Is this the ‘wrong’ thing to do?

Another thought OP.
You are putting your DH in a very difficult position by making your dislike of his mother so palpable.
Contrary to what you might think, most boys do love their mothers no matter how misguided their mothers appear to other people.

Sj0102 I would be heartbroken if you where my DIL you do come across as bossy and wanting you own way.
Your MIL obviously made a good job of raising you OH so where is the problem,she may have made a mistake here and there but let it go.
Do you decide when your mother or friends come to visit in the same way ?

I’m surprised you prefer childcare for baby as opposed to one to one care from your MIL.

There is an enormous amount of research that shows that up to the age of three children benefit both emotionally and intellectually from having an individual relationship with a carer rather than a number of carers in an institutional setting.

Are you sure you are doing the best for your child?

Sj0102 I'm afraid your post comes across as bossy and arrogant and if your MIL is as overbearing as you say, I can easily see why you clash. Are you as dictatorial with your own mother's boundaries? Or is it that you just don't like your MIL and just don't want her around? Your DS has grandparents and it would be to the advantage of all of you to make this relationship work instead of "shaking her off"; "refusing access" and "keeping her at arms length".
Sorry I can't give you the approbation you came looking for but you haven't come across much better than the MIL in your post.

notnecessarilywiser yes honey, who’d have thought it! My dil had mentioned that she’d been trying different things to flavour dgs porridge with, so helpfully I thought, I took her pot of honey for dgs next time I visited. She thanked me, and then very graciously told me that it was no longer advisable to give honey to very young children. No hard feelings either side. She even sent me a message the next morning saying dgs loss had been her gain, and that she had just enjoyed toast with honey for breakfast.

Sj0102 the only part of your mil behaviour I find genuinely concerning is her failure to stop feeding the child at yours, & your husbands request. That shouldn’t have happened. But other than that, she just sounds like a woman trying to find her place in the new family.
Perhaps her concerns about the baby not getting enough food, (however wrong they turned out to be), were genuine concerns? And she chose to speak to your husband to try and avoid making what sounds like an already hostile situation worse. Breastfeeding can be difficult for those who didn’t/don’t do it to understand. My dil gets frustrated by some of the ridiculous things she gets told (primarily from the older generation) about the fact that she still breastfeeds my 11 month old dgs. But she just smiles politely, and only corrects them if really necessary.

Please try to remember that while you and your husband are learning to become parents, we’re learning to become grandparents. It can be a bigger adjustment than you think. I’ve mentioned on previous threads that I struggled with this. It’s thanks to the patience and understanding of my dil that she & I now have a wonderful relationship.

I’m confused as to why your mil can’t come to our home with your husband being there? Could this be causing your problems? Before my dgs was born one of my biggest fears was that I would be excluded as the ‘paternal’ grandparent. My ds isn’t great at keeping in touch, and dil is very close to her mum. Thankfully my dil goes out of her way to include me, daft things, WhatsApp pics of my dgs, or a random text telling me what they are doing with their day. Perhaps if your mil felt more included by you she would be able to relax a little.

"What steps can she take for me to trust her?" You can't change other people Sj, you can only change yourself. Your post suggests you dislike your mil and possibly see her as a rival for your husband's support and attention. She is your husband's mother, your child's grandmother. No one ever said family life would be without its challenges.
If you genuinely posted looking for advice mine is that you look to your own behaviour. Ask yourself, what can I do to change this negative relationship with my mother in law. You don't have to be her best friend but currently it sounds as though you're determined to be her enemy.

So glad you re not my daughter in law stop competing with her, stop nit picking holes in what she’s trying to do
Maybe she does know more than you she is a nurse so obviously well trained in health affairs
what advise would you give her on remedying the current state of affairs
I wouldn’t give her advice I d give you advice
Respect your mother in law ( your lovely husband obviously does as you say he won’t set boundaries ( your boundaries)
Work with her not against her
Be prepared she may know more than you
Stop being controlling she is not welcome in our house without my dh present
Sorry to say this but you come across as a right madam maybe this is first baby nerves but by trying to turn your husband against his mum you are looking for a huge amount of trouble in the future but hey ho don’t worry because if your marriage goes sour it ll surely be mother in laws fault
Some growing up needed

As a DIL none of the alleged "offences" would really bother me! I would crack on & do my own thing & probably roll my eyes in private. You sound rather humourless & quite frankly hard work.

Your references to keeping her at arms' length, shaking her off and her not being welcome in your home unless your DH is there come over as rather bolshy on your part, I'm afraid.

On hers, she's got a bee in her bonnet about your child's nutrition. I think if you can get to the bottom of this with her (not by text - face to face) you may understand each other better. Are you breast feeding beyond the time that infants were weaned in her day? Have you shown her documentary evidence that his weight is within the healthy range for his age? It sounds as though this is her first GC and best practice in the feeding of infants can change considerably in a generation. You need to acknowledge her concerns but educate her in current thoughts. With a bit of luck she has friends/colleagues who are also grandmothers of little ones and she'll discover from them that your new-fangled ideas aren't off the wall or dangerous.

What you and your MIL have in common is love and concern for your baby - don't undervalue this! You've got to drop the heavy handed approach and make the effort to make her aware of the reasons why you and your DH are following current advice. I speak as someone whose DC were put down to sleep on their front (to the astonishment of my DM) because at the time that was considered to be the safest - putting my GC down on their backs still unnerves me a little. I've given the eldest a snack of bread and honey, thinking that honey's a wholesome, natural thing. My lovely DIL didn't over-react, she just told me that it's not considered wise for very young children to eat honey. My job is to listen to her rationale; hers is to acknowledge that I managed to raise two healthy people without poisoning or otherwise damaging them. We're on the same side and it's a great feeling - give it a go!

It might do you good to realise that there are people in this world who actually do know more than you.

I can’t believe that you don’t trust her with your baby

Your MIL is trying to help, try showing her some respect.

I’m afraid I can’t give you any advice either, OP.
I too have been accused of being opinionated and overbearing.
But my DiL looks beyond my faults, tolerates me and accepts all the help we offer.

You don’t really want advice do you, just for approval for your (to me) arrogant and inflexible attitude.
Your MIL has my sympathy. You talk of the behaviours noted in my post Well you need to grow up and understand that she just * might* as a mother and a grandmother have her family’s interests at heart. She just might know a bit about babies too.
As young mums we all believed “we knew it all” and sometimes had to zip our lips when Granny weighed in with her advice. But it was kindly meant. No doubt they had to do the same.

You refer to her lack of respect for you as parents. What respect have you shown her as your partner’s parent I wonder.
Nope, you won’t get a “there, there dear” from this Gran.
TG my own DDs and SILs do not share your self righteous attitude.

You’re

Sj0102 grow up now you’re a mother and try for some common sense and diplomacy. You are heading for trouble if you haven’t learned any people skills by now.

You don’t ‘deal with people’ FFS you interact with them and it’s give and take. I’m really glad your not my DiL or SiL, both of these have worked really hard to build up our relationships. Not easy at first but now they are an important part of my life and they of mine, and my relationship with my GC is great as a result.

It's unfortunate you feel like this about your MIL but from your post I feel rather sorry for her. She sounds as though she's doing all she can to be part of her GC's life and being thwarted at every turn. She offered day care 3 days a week which is a big commitment but you've now booked him in for day care, she wants to take him out but has been refused that opportunity too and is not allowed to visit unless her son is present. I would be very upset if my son had treated me in this way. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you sound as though you're not prepared to meet her halfway in anything to do with your baby.