Poor relationship with mil

knickas63

MIL has demonstrated that she's not willing to follow the rules. If OP doesn't trust her, it's not unreasonable to say she can't be alone with the baby.

I have once again waded through the many posts on here and re-read OP’s post. Having been a DIL to a very demanding MIL, and now a MIL myself I have come this conclusion:

MIL was wrong to try and feed the baby when asked to stop – however, this has stopped, so is no longer relevant. She finally listened.
OP really does sound very offish and controlling of her ‘nuclear’ family, unwilling to have to give ground on anything. Almost like a toddler screaming ‘Mine! Mine! – which I know some MIL do as well. But it is early days, so hopefully she will grow out of it. It must be very difficult for her husband to be stuck in between. Not a good situation for anyone. OP could be a little kinder towards MIL and still ‘keep control’ of her family. As the old saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. Having both grandmothers in their lives is wonderful for children in general. That fact that she has to ‘earn’ the right for solo visits with her grandchild is a very telling sentence. I don’t feel that the OP really wants help, she wants to be told how terrible her MIL is and that she is right to try and cut her out as much as possible.

I really struggled with my MIL, but my very wise mother helped me through it and helped me understand how she (MIL) was feeling. I hope someone can do the same for the OP.

Rocknroll5me

First of all, DIL doesn't have an obligation to give you alone time with her daughters. My parents have only once gotten alone time with my kid in 7 years - just because of how it has worked out. Secondly, for a 3-year-old to be nervous around other adults is quite normal. Forcing her to come to you or show affection is not a good idea. (In this day and age we try to emphasize that children have the right to bodily autonomy. Forced affection, even if it's from a loving grandparent, sends the wrong message and can place children at risk for abuse because the message is not consistent.) We see my parents much more frequently than Hubby's because we live in Canada and Hubby's family lives in the UK. "Fair" simply can't be part of the equation.

Rocknroll5me, me too, sort of.The mother of a son usually takes second place socially to the mother of a daughter. Naturally the mother of the child usually (although not always)prefers her own mother. Don't worry about it. You cannot control others' feelings for you or do a lot about how they behave towards you.

It's sometimes easier to back off than contend.

You and your own mother in law fortunately were sympathetic to each other; this does not always happen.

Rocknroll5me. Your situation is very different. How can my mil become a stranger if we see her at least twice a month? Is that controlling? Mil calls dh at least once a week. Is that controlling?

We do not favour one family over the other. While I’m on leave I do visit my family more during the week but when I go back to work in December I won’t have time to do so

As for alone time - my in laws haven’t had that yet. That’s something they’ll need to earn

yes I have a controlling DIL like this. I have never had either of my only grandchildren (2 girls 6 and 3) alone. It is something I have to live with. I just hope she grows up and becomes kinder. She is overly sentimental about her daughters so why can't she make that leap from her being a mother - to me being one? it's too great for her. She is very possesive of my son...it beats me. almost making me cry typing this - ridiculous. They visited on my birthday last week and the three year old wouldn't go near me and cried when asked to - DIL thought it very funny. They spend a lot of time with her parents and yes I am a stranger. There are some very strange DILs out there. I wouldn't have dreamt of treating my MIL with such unkindness and disrespect.

I don't of course know but is it possible that your mother in law feels that she ought to assert herself because that is what is expected of her because she is a nurse? If this is the case perhaps if you were to vocally appreciate her expertise with exclusively sick babies she might get the message that she is not expected to intervene with your healthy baby.

SJo102 wrote:

@alexa. Baby is a perfect weight to height ratio. Regardless, my mil is not an expert in breastfeeding. And even if she was, it still wasn’t her place to talk about my child’s health behind my back or to refuse to stop feeding him!

It was interfering to go behind your back to talk about your child's health. If she had wanted to do something for your child she should have secured the assent of both of you.
I am glad your baby is thriving. When you breast feed you know that you have the support of the best authorities, besides your own good judgement.

Much depends on your personality and the baby's father's personality and his relationship with his mother. Can you assert yourself or does she intimidate you? Can you assert yourself with the baby's father?
Can you ask the health visitor for moral support?

I think you need to be direct with her - but politely if you can!

"I do not want my baby having any more of that food, please stop feeding him/her now." And if she continues: "Decisions about baby's feeding are mine and your son's, you must stop now". "It is not "poor bay" - we have good reasons for asking you to stop."

In other words, try not bottling it up and be clear with her. She is having a problem with boundaries so I guess you are going to have to set them.

The problem will not go away unless you and your OH are entirely clear with her. You do not want verbal manipulation of your child once he/she gets a bit older and understands language. She is already doing it with "poor baby" - a form of manipulation which will be more problematical once the child understands what is being said.

You have my sympathies.

Why can’t some Mother’s and MIL just understand that these babies are not theirs, it’s not their time and they have no say!

For goodness sake! You brought up your kids and accepted the help you wanted, now leave it to the younger generation to do the same.

There is a massive self entitlement problem among some of today’s grandparents it’s infuriating. This child is not yours, you have no entitlement to anything or right to stick your nose in just because you have had children.

Just because you have biological ties also doesn’t entitle you to anything. The parents of said child dictate your access and involvement. Get over it.

Grandparents are as much related to a child as any other memeber of the extended family, same as aunts etc and I’ve never heard of any aunt demanding rights over a niece or a nephew and they’ve the same biological ties!

And just because you have played a 50% part of the parentage of these Adult children doesn’t mean they have to give you what they want.

Gransnet is getting just as bad as a reputation as mumsnet. Some of these posts are shocking.

In the end OP, it’s your baby, yourselves decide on who you want to involve and when. And don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for that.

I would say that you don't think it's fair to have her have child as is too much, don't even go into the issues of trust just say that studies have shown that interacting with other children is great for little ones and that it's too much for her to have your baby, that she raised your son and now deserves a break! If you go into it all it might cause more issues. If she tries to feed him again just make sure your husband says to her to stop. If you say it she may see it as a insult on her parenting but he is her son so she should take criticism better from him. Try to always have a united front and hopefully she will realise that she can't talk about you to your husband. If she gets really bad I would say to fil that she is causing issues in your marriage by trying to get your husband to talk behind your back and all the other issues and hopefully he will take it seriously and talk to her. If she says she raised her son fine, which my MIL says every time I say something... Most recently when I said she needed a car seat and she can't put baby in a carry cot in the boot... Say- you did a great job with DH but the doctor/government/law/midwife says insert what they said that way it's not you that is telling her she's wrong it's someone else.

Hello,

I think the problem here is that you have a manipulative and controlling mother in law who hasn't quite accepted her new position in the family hierarchy! It also sounds like your husband has probably suffered from this sort of behaviour his whole life which is why he's finding it difficult to lay down some healthy boundaries with her.

The sad part of this is that she probably isn't going to change and if you can't urge your husband to say something then all you can ever do is keep her at arms length and enforce the boundaries yourself. I certainly don't know how you could ever trust her.

So, if she won't stop feeding your baby, go over to her and take your baby away from her. Completely ignore the guilt trips, and absolutely put your child in day care until you can see some evidence that she's being respectful towards you.

The good thing here is that your husband is talking to you about this and shared the fact that she went behind your back, as should be the case in a good husband and wife relationship.

Your husband and yourself are the parents of your child and your wishes come first; she needs to learn to accept this and that could take some time.

Having a new baby is a special time and it's -your- time to learn and do things your way, and yes you might make mistakes along the way but they are yours to make. She's had her time as a mother and needs to accept her new role as grandma.

Also I'd ignore people who say that mother in laws might just know better. Yes they've successfully raised little humans which is something to be admired, but the guidance around how to look after new babies and children will have moved on so much since she did it that you might well find they are doing things that are completely outdated and wrong. Of course the argument then will be, 'well it worked for us', but maybe that was just luck? Like how people used to drink alcohol during pregnancy and nothing bad happened...what happens if something bad -does- happen because people adopt that old fashioned attitude?

You need to trust your instincts as a mother and that's very difficult when you have an overbearing mil who tries to barge in on your family time together.

Also I don't believe that this is her meaning well...this is her being completely selfish and not thinking about you and your needs.

Goodness the rudeness of some of these posters. If you have an opinionated MIL it is difficult to make them realise that their GC are not their DC and they have no right to impose their wishes. Politely given advice (although I don't even tend to do that unless asked) should be listened to and then either disregarded or tried as I am sure many MILs do have a lot of experience with babies. From the sound of it though this one is out of touch.

When you have an incompatibility between GP and AC then do as we did which was visit as a family. We let my MIL babysit our DD when they were older until they no longer wanted to see her and we went back to just visiting or having her over to our house. She got very difficult and overbearing/opinionated and it tainted her relationship with all of us but at least we can say we tried for my DHs sake.

@alexa. Baby is a perfect weight to height ratio. Regardless, my mil is not an expert in breastfeeding. And even if she was, it still wasn’t her place to talk about my child’s health behind my back or to refuse to stop feeding him!

@happysexagenarian. Thank goodness you’re not my mil; I wouldn’t want you inserting yourself into my private nuclear family affairs.

@Happysexagenarian, may I ask what the point is of you telling this girl "I am just thankful that you are not my DIL!"?

The truth is, a wise MIL would strive to make a friend of her DIL rather than an enemy by undermining her wishes with her child and competing with her for it all to MIL's way.

This has become a very long topic, and I'm not surprised.

Sj0102 The best thing you could do is make a friend of your MIL rather than an enemy. In fact the way you write suggests to me that you need to learn to interact with and get along with people in general. Your post reads like a boardroom presentation rather than a mother talking about her family. I am just thankful that you are not my DIL!

Is the baby underweight, or obese? If the former mother in law may be right. If the latter mother in law may be wrong.

I hesitate to offer any advice here, but from experience would suggest that you and your husband nip this in the bud before the situation gets out of hand and feelings really get hurt. As a new Mum (or are you a Mom?), it's obvious you want to do the very best by your little one. I can remember with my first child frantically sterilizing nipples every time every time they so much as touched a counter top or anything (baby bottle nipples . )By next baby, so much more relaxed and not quite as stressed to do everything by the book (and 'the book' changes all the time - it always seems the most current advice is the best, until the next lot comes along). However, it is for you as parent to your child do what you see what is best in your child's interests in your own situation. Just as your MIL did when she had each of her own children, and her mother did, etc. (May be ask her how HER mother's and MILs parenting differed from hers). Though she may well have some gems of advice from her own experience as a mother or nurse which may prove helpful, so please don't brush aside her remarks out of hand.
Reading your later comments it does sound like your MIL is having a hard time transitioning and navigating to the newer role of Grandmother and a more supportive role rather than the leading role. Your MIL's tears seem like a means of control, she may have used this emotional blackmail in the past to get her way and is totally un-acceptable imho. By saying 'poor baby' when asked to stop feeding as there had been an error measuring the formula shouldn't have elicited that response, unless she was trying to use some sort of guilt. But then again, it may just have been an offhand remark, not aimed at anyone, just granny enjoying feeding and bonding with her grand baby and her having to stop.
If these miscommunications continue it could well lead to
bigger issues, does your husband want that?. If not, he should really be the one to point out you are all in new roles and how important it is to work together to be supportive of each other. MIL probably thinks she is being supportive, but perhaps she is coming across as Mother and making you and your husband still feel like children. Hard to make that transition sometimes.

It is hard work getting on with people you don’t particularly like. Yet in a family situation it is so worth it if you can manage it.

I think it would be good if thought about the benefits of having a good relationship with your mil, especially for your baby and your OH.

I also think that it would be helpful to talk face to face with her, saying you respect her nursing experience yet you need to follow the latest advice from your health visitor etc

I also think that we as grandparents must respect how our children and their partners bring up their children even if we don’t agree with many of the things they do. I keep quiet (unusual for me) unless I am asked for an opinion & follow their rules when looking after their children. Though when the older ones are at my house, they respect my few ‘rules’.

Good luck with sorting the situation out, please don’t leave it.

That's a bit harsh Tokyojo3.....to call your mother a "monster". I don't know your circumstances, but you really must have had a dreadful childhood...

Having read all the posts on this thread I have some sympathy for this young new mum . I had a dreadful mother who thought access to anything I had was hers by right . This included my daughters. My mother was a monster who I never, ever left my children in the same room as unsupervised. Unless you have been cornered like this it’s hard to understand. If a mother feels threatened she will do anything to protect her child ... mine didn’t and it’s a miracle I survived. If this young mum doesn’t think her wishes are being respected I can understand her behaviour.

Sjo102, there have been some harsh things said to you, I am a mum, Nan, Mil and Dil, guess what I felt like you with my mil, and felt like I was being bullied but I just stepped back took a deep breath and allowed her to be who she was, listened to what she had to say and believe it or not I eventually got used to her ways and just let her be a great grand mother to my children, learn to bite your tongue and take deep breaths she probabaly comes across a bit harsh but all nurses are like that it's not personal chin up and keep smiling and enjoy your baby.

My own MIL died shortly after we were married and my biggest regret in life is that I never made the effort to have a good relationship with her.

It is important for children to have grandparents in their lives and for families stay together. So, why not stop treating your MIL like an adversary and realize that there is more than enough love to go around? You may not know it now, but over the years she can be a good friend and an ally. Don't allow your relationship with her to be damaged beyond repair.

Someday, you too will be blessed with grandchildren and by then you will understand. Hopefully, there won't be any regrets.

Oh come on its clear she wanted the dh to stop Op breastfeeding. Ive seen it in friends of mine, urge dil to give up bf just so they can be the one to feed. Her reluctance to stop feeding when told twice backs up my theory that she wants to be the one to feed the baby.

OR one could take the good advice and learn to have boundaries so they weren't at everyone's beck and call. Boundaries are good for successful living. They teach us when to say yes to the good and no to the bad and give ourselves permission to feel like we've some control over our very own lives...instead of those we love having it over us.