Poor relationship with mil

Well if someone asked me to take a grandparenting course Id drop off my perch it doesn’t need a course you don’t need to know the latest techniques because you will ( or should) be asking your daughter or daughter in law to update you
Grandparenting maternal or paternal is about respect, give and take, listening, asking for instructions, playing it their way and LOVE
Whenever I was left in charge of any babies for any length of time I asked for instructions of their routines and followed them completely

GabriellaG

Exactly. As my username suggests I AM a nurse and would never offer unwanted advice. If I offer advice it's always a "this is normal" or "you may like to consider". If the baby looks fine odds are he or she IS fine. Now, if the baby looked dehydrated or unwell I would say "You may like to consult your provider". I recognize that I'm not the expert. Generally we don't get excited unless baby has fallen off his or her normal by at least 10-15% or baby is in the extreme top or bottom 5% of weight. EBF is fine for at least 6 months.

Sadly many grands don't realize that guidelines change as knowledge updates. This is why it's often recommended that grandparents take a grandparenting course. Even CPR guidelines change. It's not that we as parents think they're idiots; it's rather that guidelines change as evidence is updated. When I started taking students to acute care clinical I learned guidelines had chanted and new medications were available. Did that mean the old ones were bad? Of course not. But as we learn more, we do better.

Being a nurse does not qualify you as a paediatrician or a doctor OR a nutritionist.
I wouldn't like that sort of interference but the OP is really OTT in her manner and what appears to be her inflexible attitude.
I hope that she can have some F2F dialogue with her MiL and there is a happy conclusion for both women.

Wow some harsh posters here. It might be as well to remember the OP has a young baby so possibly does not have time to dress up her posts due to lack of time so if she comes across as abrupt that could possibly be why.

I am a GM to 2 DGDs although it is my DD who is mum so might be slightly different but she treats her MIL the same as me and we all get on fine because we respect boundaries. It is important to realise that even though GM have brought up kids, advice changes over the years and what we did with our DC may be regarded as downright dangerous these days. Our AC are going to be more current and these are their DC so I don't tend to give advice if asked and would never go against my DD or SIL with respect to their DC. Making nasty comments as this MIL did, calling her DIL a cow is unacceptable and I would be upset and annoyed too. Refusing to stop feeding formula when asked by parents too is unacceptable. Why do GM feel they can override the parents decisions when it comes to their own children? None of us have any god given right to contact with DGC and respecting the boundaries of the parents is just common respect.

I had a difficult MIL who would make passive aggressive comments when she did not agree with the way we brought up our DC and I bit my tongue a lot and sometimes I had words. We never cut off contact though but I resolved when I had grandchildren I would not behave as she did.

OP I think your MIL needs to earn your trust before you let her babysit your baby and at the moment obviously you do not trust her. Hopefully over time that will change but until it does just do as you are doing now and visit her as a family. I think you should leave it to your DH to tell her you don't trust her to look after your baby at the moment because of her past actions.

You have my sympathy OP. I'm new to grand-parenting but trying hard not to follow my own MIL's example.
I let my DD and her partner know that I'm interested and concerned by phoning or messaging once or twice a week, butting out if it's a bad time when I phone without a fuss. Re-iterating that I'm here if needed for whatever they might need me to do but not being overbearing about what I might want to do.
If I have an opinion on something I keep it to myself unless specifically asked for it. I also don't throw a sulk if they listen to what I have to say and then ignore it.
We mothers and MIL's need to realise that we've had our turn and we are there only to do what the parents of our DGC might want or need us to do. I'll add that it's a two way street, my DD and her partner don't get into a puss if they ask me to do something and I can't!
Oh how I don't want to be an overbearing or needy grandma!

@fairydoll
"There is nothing like the voice of inexperience."

I am a dil and I am a mil, and I watch others relationships like a hawk, taking notes, learning what works and what obviously does not...so its not like I've no experience and nothing to offer on the subject.

How sad and shortsighted to dismiss someone like that...

There is always something to learn from everyone around us...even the youngest among us...but if we aren't open to it, it will never happen and wedges will remain and relationships stay splintered and broken.

Soontobeagran

There is nothing like the voice of inexperience.

I sincerely hope everything works out for you. Unfortunately, however much we try, however nice, however accommodating we are, things can go wrong - that applies to any relationship as I’m sure you are aware.

I did read it in context. You asked if I honestly thought none had and then said of course they had...the opposite of none then, is...all.

How funny, you should say, "I think you too might be running with your own spin on things" because I suspect you might be doing the very same thing your very own self, and that is why what I say is bothering you.

Soontobeagran

I did not say they all had apologised. Please read that sentence in context. With respect, I think you too might be running with your own spin on things (vis-a-vis your MIL)

Hope you are enjoying life as a grandma....it’s an experience, is it not?

@Fairydoll2030
"Oh, the difference between the expectation and the reality."

That's the best thing I learned from my mil...we set ourselves up to be heartbroken when we create expectations for our kids and their spouses to fit into when they are adults. I have to remind myself NOT to have expectations, but to be grateful with whatever they are able to offer me.
That's not exactly true, I do have an expectation.
Iexpect that we will have to work at our relationship through honest communication and mutual respect...I expect a new baby entering the picture will increase that need and I expect to have to adjust, and show them grace as they learn to navigate new waters...and forge a family of their own.

@Fairydoll2030 you said, "Do you seriously believe that none of the GP’s who post on these forums have not asked their DIL’s if they have caused them any offence or upset them in any way? Of course they have! "

First, no I don't assume that NONE have done so, my advice is for those that have not...

Second, "of course they have!", really? All of them? Even though the post I was referring to said they had no idea? Silliness! My mil has never asked me once in all the years I've known her anything about me, my feelings, how she might help, etc...she just runs with her own spin on things, not caring about truth at all.

Mil has 4 kids. Two sons and two daughters. Hubby is first to be married and this is the first gc

For the milk incident - dh measures the bottle incorrectly as we had just adjusted the supplement per doctors orders the previous day. When he realized the mistake he asked her to stop feeding because he would be getting double the necessary intake. When she finally stopped she kept saying sorry Lo sorry Lo as if we were being cruel to not feed more. Ugh as I write this I’m becoming frustrated all over again with her antics.

I absolutely cannot wait until the others get married; but two are not in relationships and the other who is in one doesn’t want kids

This Gran/MIL seems to be in a state of anxiety over everything to do with her small grandchild. She obviously feels if she doesn't speak her mind something is going to happen to baby. How did she get the extra food for baby if you are only breastfeeding? The anxiety goes on when she offers three days straight off for childcare, quite a big ask. Is your DH an only child, I am wondering what happened when she was a young mum, she just sounds in a right old anxiety state. This is a difficult one because none of us know her, if she is an old bossy boots then probably best to ask her why she is acting in this way, if she is prepared to tell the truth it could be enlightening. On your side you have adopted a certain frame of mind which you have no wish to change this is because you have become a mum - good luck.

I’m assuming Soontobeagran that you are now a Gran?

Oh, the difference between the expectation and the reality.
Do you seriously believe that none of the GP’s who post on these forums have not asked their DIL’s if they have caused them any offence or upset them in any way? Of course they have! Some have apologised for things they have been accused of, but haven’t actually done. Much humble pie has been eaten. Sometimes, after a child is born and the MIL becomes a grandma, what has formerly been a good relationship between the DIL and the MIL changes radically. One would hope that, more often than not, the new dynamic can be carefully negotiated and the relationship continues with mutual respect. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. Post natal depression can sometimes completely change a new mums personality (seen this within my own family - youngest sister suffered)
and trying to keeps things on an even keel is treading on eggshells constantly.
I suspect my DIL may have suffered PND as she became very difficult and started making wild accusations against my husband and myself when baby was around 4 months old, and yet we were two people that, when she said ‘Jump,’ we said ‘How high?’ She ultimately cut herself off from us after sending a very offensive email. We did and said nothing for the next two years and then she began making overtures in the form of sending small gifts,via my son, when he was visiting us with DGS. Now, three years later we are in touch. I do understand that she may have been unwell but I am very reluctant to trust her again as I could not cope with the abuse all over again - my health has not been good and I think it would finish me off.
I suppose what is gratifying is that she now appears to realise we are not the ‘awful’ people that she railed against.

So yes, there are bad MIL’s but also good ones who do exactly as they are told, and yet still fall out of favour.
Please remember that....

Sj0102 I think your style of writing does come over somewhat rigid and uncompromising, possibly through lack of time and rushing, but I also think that you are right to have concerns about at least some of the things that you mention eg (but not all)
*Feeding after being asked not is completely inappropriate
*Asking your OH to not tell you about a conversation is completely inappropriate
*Dog licking child's face is completely inappropriate

I do have a query about your clear view that your husband should deal with the issues and not you! At the very least would it maybe be better if you both spoke to your MIL about concerns and made clear certain expectations eg the dog licking? This way it is immediately clear that both of you stand together as parents and "secret" conversations won't work.

You say that you feel that when incidents happen you are so shocked and don't say anything immediately as you worry it will come over badly. Maybe plan your phraseology in advance ...this would prepare you if something happens. So with the dog incident... picking up baby, wiping his face etc then saying something like "I am concerned about (name of dog) licking (name of child) because it is unhygienic. None of us want (name of baby) to catch something. Please can we all make sure that doesn't happen again. " If MIL gets "huffy" or whatever maybe just a gentle repetition re hygiene and your preference. ie not responding to any comments that are a distraction from your key concern.

Endless going on about a family event ...lets say it was a birthday ....you could ask "I know you were upset that we couldn't attend ....event. Would you like to go for meal as a little mini celebration, as we missed it?" This acknowledges her upset which can help to caqlm it all down, and offers an alternative.

Feeding after asked not to and telling husband about concerns..."Can you explain to me what your concerns are about ...feeding?" Then as she expresses her concerns, explaining why you are doing what you are doing and being clear that your Health Professional is not concerned. Again repeating rather than responding to distraction comments.

Finding things to ask her opinion on things might help a bit ...these can be small things but might make her feel acknowledged and respected for her experiences, even if you don't take her suggestion.

I don't know your MIL ofcourse, and these suggestions may sound impossible to you with the experiences you have had with her but might be food for thought. Also, you described your relationship with a somewhat overbearing mother - this experience might well have made you very very (*and possibly overly) sensitive to every comment, "Huff", advice etc. We all have "triggers" and I wonder if your MIL is one for you because you are responding as if she is behaving like your Mother, whether she is or not.

@IrishRose76 Im sorry for the implosion of your relationship, that must be very hard to bear...
What have you done to try and understand what happened and/or mend the rift?

I think it interesting that you take my thoughts and dismiss them by calling them smug or saying that they don't make sense.

Love is a choice healthy people make every day, because every day those we love will let us down. We choose to love them anyway...and yes, we do love those that hurt us desperately, though we must put up boundaries so as to protect ourselves from harmful behaviors.

If we reduce love to a feeling, we are all doomed because none of us will ever be able to behave in ways that are always lovable or make people "feel" love towards us. Love based on feeling is selfish and shallow...it lives as long as it makes us feel good, and serves us.

You said "that is precisely why she wants her MIL to have nothing to do with her grandson....because she is not behaving to her liking," which is an unfair statement, and also manipulative. The op said they see her MIL at least once a week, that she has access to her grandchild, so to say she wants her to have nothing to do with the child is a lie. Because of the mils disrespectful behavior, boundaries are in place, due to her inability to respect the wishes of the baby's parents. Nothing what so ever to do with the dil NOT loving her mil..in fact, she came here to get help as to how to navigate and improve the relationship...which smacks of loving her and caring about their relationship.

I hope you are able to come to a peaceful understanding with your dil and that a bridge can be forged for renewed relationship.

@agnurse, I agree, completely. I've been reading this thread and must say I am shocked at some of the replies! Of course the OP holds all of the cards, of course things will be done the OP's way. There is no negotiation. The OP is the mother!

Grandparents must follow the parents' lead when it comes to the grandchildren and respect their decisions or else they risk missing out. On another note, Google is the go to for advice these days. Unless asked, keep it to yourself.

I have some sympathy for you OP particularly as MIL was feeding baby who is EBF and found to be perfectly well by your doc . I wouldn't be giving her the chance to undermine me re the care of my child either and I'm not surprised you declined childcare . Try to be the bigger person and tolerate and smile at MIL and have her over on your terms if only for your DHs sake .Remember we can pick our friends but not our families .GOOD LUCK X

Have I missed something here. The child is exclusively breastfed but the MinL over fed him ( with formula?). Why would there even be formula in the house? OP, are you going to express all the feeds for the childcare person to give when you are at work because your child will have to get used to taking a bottle of something. I breastfed my two, the first till 7 and a half months ( first child was more interested in food so lost interest even though I wanted to go on longer). The second I fed to one year and she would have gone on but I had had enough by then. No formula ever used or bottles, they both went straight on to cow's milk from a beaker.

“Love is a choice. One we should strive to make everyday. Its not based on feelings or if the people in our lives "behave" to our liking...true love, selfless love's foundation is found deeply dug into respect”

This makes no sense. Of course Love is based on feelings. It is the single most important feeling in life. If someone is making us desperately unhappy, then we will not ”make a choice” to love them. Also perhaps you should point out to the OP, your personal belief that ”love is not based on feelings or if the people in our lives ”behave"to our liking”, as that is precisely why she wants her MIL to have nothing to do with her grandson....because she is not behaving to her liking,

I truly hope that you continue to have the relationship with your DIL that you have at present. However, I too had a loving, respectful relationship with my daughter-in-law for several years prior to the birth of my granddaughter. I really loved her, and looked forward to loving her and my sons little one too. Because of geography I knew I would not see her a great deal. Almost five years on, I have actually seen the little one just twice, the last time four years ago. Whenever my son arranged to bring his daughter to see me WW3 erupted. So much so that I told him I would step back in the hope that things may improve with time. They haven’t, and it has caused a lot trouble in the marriage, not least because my son refuses to accept what he sees as unfair treatment of me.

So we should never become smug about how we expect relationships to develop, no matter how good things seem. Things can change in a heartbeat. I can’t help feeling that I might just as well have been an interfering, overbearing old bugger. Being loving and kind certainly didn’t get me very far.

As a PS to my above post,

If there are mils here that have no idea why there is a divide, perhaps they could be the bigger person and find out? Perhaps they could say, "Have I done something to make you feel unsafe with me? Is there a way I might clear the air and we can start over? Please let me know when I overstep or make you feel manipulated or controlled by me"...then, be brave enough to listen, even if we don't agree, (insisting that OUR perspective is the only right one will not foster relationship) and bravely purpose ourselves to learn a new way to relate to our adult children and their spouses.

If we are the older and know better generation, then maybe we should take the lead in beginning the process of relationship restoration...

This is not about DIL being controlling IMHO. This is her baby. She does not have to "share" the baby with MIL. MIL is not entitled to feed the baby, babysit, or give unsolicited advice. Baby is not a toy. OP does hold all the cards because she has something MIL wants.

Truly loving grandparents don't insist that everything has to be their way and refuse to listen to their AC. OP knows her child better than MIL does because she is the mother. If MIL demonstrates that she isn't willing to respect OP's boundaries I'm not surprised that OP won't let her babysit. The baby is too young to say if something is wrong.

As far as EBF and MIL feeding Baby, OP could be pumping and then giving baby a bottle of breastmilk. My SIL did this.

I agree, tongue biting and olive branches are so useful! Once trust is broken, it will require patience and purposed change, but wounded relationships by in large can be healed when motivated by selfless love and respect!

I will never understand why so many mils sacrifice relationship because they only want to control things that really don't matter in the long run?

Sadly, there are many, many posts on GN from MILs who have no idea why their DILs are so controlling and creating divides. Whole families are split, many grandparents being completely cast adrift. I am sure many DILs wish their MILs were more accommodating too.

It takes two to tango but the gist of my post is for the DIL (who sounds quite controlling unfortunately) to make amends if she possibly can. She might not be able to. I accept that.

Family rifts hurt so many people. Given this is a forum for Grandparents, so many of the posts are from people who no longer see their grandchildren and some don't even know why they've been cut off. They are very sad to read.

Life is short. Tongue-biting and olive branches are useful.

"it is obvious mil is just doing her best and film is bring a diva."
Fascinating....
Why? Why is that whats obviously going on?