Poor relationship with mil

As this forum is Gransnet and not mumsnet is there any chance the MIL in question is here and reading these posts? I’d be very interested to hear her point of view.

So let’s get this straight.

You are not Exclusively Breast Feeding, but rather have started supplementing as per instructions from doctor (?) . MiL was given a bottle of supplement to feed baby, by you or baby’s father. Then halfway through you ‘realised’ your husband had made up too much feed so you asked your MiL to stop feeding baby. Up to this point your MiL had no notion the baby wasn’t to have the full bottle.

Is that correct? Please clarify.

Texted my husband saying she was concerned about baby’s health and lack of food from me EBF. Baby’s doc said everything was fine. She even told husband not to tell me she had spoken to him!

I was breast feeding my baby of seven months and he was losing weight as my milk was obviously insufficient. We had just moved our residence and I was overworked. The new doctor was not alarmed at the baby's weight but I decided to wean him. I thought the doctor was rather ignorant. This was a good decision as my baby gained the proper weight.

Maybe mother in law was right to advise. So much depends on the actual weight of the baby and the quality and quantity of the mother's milk.

And is it so wrong if her to speak to her son if she’s genuinely worried and ask her not to tell DIL? Perhaps she didn’t want to worry her. Or perhaps she’s just scared of her reaction. I would have been.

Sj0102 I have every sympathy. My MIL used to ask if my child was crying because the milk I was feeding with was too hot!
She also want impressed by breastfeeding. When serving fresh fruit she lauded it with sugar even when the wee ones asked not to have sugar.
MILs need to remember they aren't the parent. As for childcare I wouldn't have left my child with anyone who wasn't able to do as asked and I don't think anyone would given the choice.

Once again what I typed hot altered after I had checked whilst writing.
What it looks like is going on to me, is fnding reason to distance mil for her indiscretions. For stepping out of line with unwanted advise. It is not worth bad feeling. I would just have a one to one with mil, tell her how some of the things she is doing upsets you and you need to get it sorted as you want to bring up your child your way, as no doubt she did hers. Mil obviously loves her grandchild but is overstepping the mark. Things my mother did and my mil used to get on my nerves sometimes, for instance she kept dipping a dummy in sugar, as a little treat,I had to say, no dummies and no sugar, I made sure it didn't happen again. She did stop, but I know she thought I was being a bit difficult. She was a lovely nan and mother in law and didn't do it to get at me, just her way. That's all I meant, you can always find reasons to blow things out of proportion, just remember everyone loves the child.

You obviously are a superb mother Sj determined to make sure your little one has the best of everything. And so it should be. No one knows her own child like a mother. By attempting to be perfect though, you are putting yourself under a lot of additional pressure. Perhaps with a little time and more confidence you may feel able to make your wishes known, gently, but in a way that can’t be misconstrued. Do you not feel that the extra feeding wasn’t really anyone’s fault? Just a little mistake, quickly sorted. In my experience, babies are seldom harmed by the little mistakes we have all made....too many/too few clothes....messing up feeds and the like. Obviously, anything you feel is harmful to your baby, you will take action. But whilst being vigilant for those things, maybe not sweat the small stuff.

I would say, please don’t play your husband against his mother. It causes untold misery for everyone concerned. Re-iterate that you and he are a team. Your Mother-in-law will soon get the message.....we hope!

Haven't had time to read everything but can I just point out MIL has managed to raise 4 children to adulthood, so I reckon she could be trusted to push baby round the block! The milk incident was not her fault and baby might have knocked back the lot and been very contented.

@oldmeg. Correct

Now let’s get this straight. Does stop mean continue?

Furthermore why did she not stop when my husband or I said so. But fully stopped when fil said so?

And after she did stop why did she insinuate we were being awful (said sorry baby sorry baby) by stopping the feed?

@luluaugust she may have raised for kids who look like adults but two of her kids have a hard time cutting the umbilical cord as they are severely enmeshed to the point where they don’t make friends and hang out with only family.

Dh and his family went to Disney as a nuclear family even though gps we’re healthy retired and able to go. Now when dh and I discuss Disney for Lo mil keeps saying how she’d love to go!!

For birthdays she just did her nuclear family and gps but when we do stuff for lo she tries to dictate the list of extended family that we need to invite. Always hers. Never fils.

@luckylegs9. I think I’ve figured out why talking to mil is so hard - she cries. A lot. So I’m terrified of speaking face to face because she will likely cry and then I will be expected to soften boundaries

I dont get the Disney thing SJ. Don’t most people go as a family? Explain a bit more.
I must admit I’d try to tag on to any visit to Disney too ?‍♀️?‍♂️??

To me op is telling that her pils didn't get to go to Disneyland, but now her mil wants to go. Different for the generations and unfair to op.

Sj, I know how hard it must be, trying to get your point over when she starts crying, but that is a little bit of emotional blackmail even if she doesn't realise it. Your baby, your rules. She has to respect your decisions, do just choose your moment and your approach, but don't back down, if she starts crying, this is when it's make or break time, say something like, I don't mean to upset you, your a lovely mil and nan but this is how it has to be, because although I haven't cried over it, I feel like it and I dont want this to cause problems when there really isn't any need. Then it's up to her. People are reasonable when you are I find. If still no joy, a bit of distance to reflect on what you say can't hurt her, time to reflect. It should go through you, not your husband, that way it stays clear. Good luck.

SJ Please do think about my suggestions re communication in my previous post (Page 7). The crying and being expected to "soften" the message makes them even more relevant.

For goodness sake she wasn’t insinuating you were awful because you made her stop feeding ( which sounds like a ridiculously feeble excuse by the way ) ! YOU took it that way - she was doing what many of us would do - soothing a baby who by the sound of it was still hungry !!

Good grief you’re hard work ! Your poor MiL

Maggiemaybe

It's not appropriate for OP's husband and MIL to have discussions where MIL says "don't tell OP". They are a team. This smacks of MIL trying to get her son on her side against his wife. Now, I'm not saying OP's husband needs to tell his wife everything he and MIL discuss, but it's inappropriate for MIL to try to do things such as organise plans behind OP's back or complain about OP and say "don't tell your wife".

As an example (not saying this is happening here), I've actually heard of cases where MIL got some fantasy that her son was going to divorce his wife and get full custody of his children and then give them to MIL to raise. (Not exaggerating. There are families who tell their kids "you can always divorce and get a new spouse, but family is forever".) The goal is to try to do an end run around the DIL. Not cool. Not okay.

MIL raised a concern with her son about her DGS’s welfare. No organising plans or complaining about OP. No plotting against OP. No fantasising about raising her DGC on her own. I’ve noticed that in many of your posts, agnurse, you second guess what others are thinking and project your own “fantasies” onto them.

This smacks of..... Does it really? We’ll never hear MIL’s side of the story, but why make her out to be a total nut job?

If she's concerned about DGS's welfare OP needs to know about it too. She's the mother.

agnurse - flipping heck you are scarey! Calm down dear.
Should we all add our job titles in our usernames? Nope, as its not what defines us and whatever we did/do it doesn't make us an authority on everything.
I'll just sit back and wait now................

@agnurse, please ignore the personal attack. You are not scary and you are quite calmly presenting your position. I for one appreciate it.

As for the MIL in question having been successful in raising four children to adulthood so whats the big deal...I have a friend whose mil raised her four to adulthood too and thought it perfectly safe to put a bit of honey on her grandbabies passies...and tried to force it on my friends kids too...she flipped out, because everyone who raised babies in the very next generation were told NOT to do that! Times change, just because it worked then, does not mean its best for now! Thank GOD my friend's mil's babies never got ill from honey (She said she gave it to them all the time), but today we just don't DO that, its not safe! Same for my mil...drank throughout her pregnancies...A LOT...today we know that is not safe!

Having just noticed the comments the OP has made about her own DH's siblings, I'm off this thread. Poor man.

I had got to the stage anyway where if I'd heard the word "boundary" one more time I'd have headed for the hills!

OR one could take the good advice and learn to have boundaries so they weren't at everyone's beck and call. Boundaries are good for successful living. They teach us when to say yes to the good and no to the bad and give ourselves permission to feel like we've some control over our very own lives...instead of those we love having it over us.

Oh come on its clear she wanted the dh to stop Op breastfeeding. Ive seen it in friends of mine, urge dil to give up bf just so they can be the one to feed. Her reluctance to stop feeding when told twice backs up my theory that she wants to be the one to feed the baby.

My own MIL died shortly after we were married and my biggest regret in life is that I never made the effort to have a good relationship with her.

It is important for children to have grandparents in their lives and for families stay together. So, why not stop treating your MIL like an adversary and realize that there is more than enough love to go around? You may not know it now, but over the years she can be a good friend and an ally. Don't allow your relationship with her to be damaged beyond repair.

Someday, you too will be blessed with grandchildren and by then you will understand. Hopefully, there won't be any regrets.