Gransnet forums

Relationships

Selfish negative stinking thinking...

(19 Posts)
Anneishere Mon 07-May-18 08:53:14

I am feeling so very low, sad and alone and old!!! Suffering from such selfish negative feelings- I am often watching other people and couples my age and members of family around me & I end up feeling deflated as they all appear to have so much more. On Normal days I can push these horrible negative emotions away but days like today get bad - I then turn to food & just sit & just escape into watching TV - I am very lucky I have a job at my age that keeps me focused and although not financially well off I am able to enjoy little pleasures in life until that is when I retire after which I will just depend on state pension so I will remain working until my brain or body dictates otherwise - I have 3 beautiful grandchildren although I have to make ‘appointment’ with son and his partner when to see them - I am lucky I live close to them also - I am lucky I have good health but overweight which I am to blame for & I look in mirror and just see ugliness staring back at me!!!! i am lucky I have a roof over my head even if it is a small one bedroom apartment and I have food to eat - I really do have to question myself - why am I so negative about myself - I find when I detach myself from myself - if you know what I mean - I really do dislike how I think sometimes in that I seriously want to kick hard real hard my backside and shout at me to BUCK UP!!! I know I could easily find things to do to keep me focused but I really find it difficult to find within me that ‘get up and go’ feeling - does anyone else suffer like this? Selfish negative feelings ....

Luckygirl Mon 07-May-18 08:59:35

It is interesting how you so clearly demonstrate the "two brains" theory - i.e. we have one "brain/self" that dominates what we do and over which we seem to have little control, and another that is looking in from the outside and saying "Well, that's daft; don't do that!" The trick is to get the latter to dominate.

CBT and other similar therapies are a good way forward and in many areas you can access this without going via your GP - they have self-referral. Even if you need to go through GP, then that is the right thing to do.

There are ways of getting over this and you lose nothing by trying.

Good luck with this.

Panache Mon 07-May-18 09:21:46

Well perhaps we should start with the one fact you heartily acknowledge and that is that you have a whole load of blessings.Often these are the things that people tend to forget or ignore.
So you start from a rather good solid base,yes you may not have a mini Buck palace or GC that you can see "whenever" etc but more or less you are quite content with your lot.
You do not mention your age but we know you still have a job and intend holding on to it for as long as possible,all good sound thoughts.
It appears the difficulties or negative thoughts creep in more about your own personal self?
Whilst obviously the fact you are not a couple or a family saddens you and makes you feel very much alone.
This is shared by very many as all around you are widows,widowers,divorcees and those that have not yet met a partner.
At least you also know and are fully aware that this can only be rectified by you yourself,so we are getting somewhere!
It would seem that you need to join in a group...........maybe a gym or because these can be expensive just a group that do dancing or such more as a chance to "get together"...........but also the exercise would benefit you and lift your self worth.
You will find that joining any group beneficial because it may give you the impetus............the shove that you obviously need to get yourself moving onwards from sheer negativity.
There are many with hideous scarring for instance whom happily walk down the street daily,it is all about self worth.
Looks are only superficial,it is the caring,compassionate heart beating within that gives the real clues of the person.
So I think finding group exercises, will not only bring others into your life,but help your body shape and perhaps halt that binging ............which in fact only adds to the feelings of self hate.

Please believe me anneishere........... much of what you say are mere thoughts in your head, and only you yourself can walk tall and start living that life that goes alongside all your many blessings.

I am sure, if you set that goal,determine yourself that nothing or no one is going to hold you back, you can make that determined break through to restart a new life................ with a complete set of rules in your head.
Negative thinking helps no one.you deserve far better, so now whilst summer is ahead, go start getting that nice but motivated life going for you.....................and I wish you all the luck in doing so.

crazyH Mon 07-May-18 09:51:13

I am feeling like that today.....I live alone..I am lucky that all my AC , that means grandchildren live within a couple of miles. But I can't go to their houses unless invited. Yesterday I was invited to younger son's house and had a lovely afternoon in the garden with the baby, and d.i.l's family. I was hoping the other son would invite me today, no such luck. This Son and d.i.l are a bit more insular and prefer their own company with their own babies. My daughter has 2 teenage children who do their own thing, which I fully understand. So I sit here all alone, looking at the gorgeous sun. Might go for a walk or visit the neighbours. Shame to waste such a lovely day. Have a great bank holiday everyone !

agnurse Mon 07-May-18 15:39:00

The first thing I would suggest is a complete check up. Negative feelings can be caused by many things, not the least of which can be physical (for example, thyroid problems, which are common in women as they get older). If your GP rules out anything physical, you might ask for a referral to a licensed therapist.

loopyloo Mon 07-May-18 15:59:04

Annieishere, I thought you meant me! I have been feeling like that.
I think in future I will arrange something on a Bank Holiday. I had plenty to do today but I do like to see people.
Or make the effort and invite someone round.
And I fully understand about the eating. Try not to beat yourself up about it.

Madgran77 Mon 07-May-18 18:44:44

I agree with agnurse! Also, I totally get the whole thing about "counting your blessings" not always working to counter negativity ...sometimes blessings just become "so whats" because the other feelings are overwhelming flowers

Soontobegran Tue 08-May-18 20:32:59

@Anneishere ((hugs)) I am so sorry things feel so overwhelming for you right now. I too struggle with "low" times and they are just no fun.

Usually, what helps me, is to reach out with a word of encouragement for someone else, I give away what my heart is most longing for...and somehow, this blesses me in return, and before I know it, my spirits start to lift as well! The best part is that I suddenly realize that the "low" time starts to lose its hold on me! woop!

Do you like to read or paint or write...sometimes I also let my sorrow fuel a particularly creative outlet, and that helps me as well.

Maybe it just helps to know you are not alone in this struggle...((hugs)) again.

f77ms Tue 08-May-18 21:00:09

You do sound a little `depressed` , would it be worth a check up with the GP.? I am one who counts my blessings but do suffer from bad health so it is difficult sometimes not to wallow . I find the best remedy is to get out and do something, join a club, work for charity and try to turn my thoughts away from myself . flowers

Feelingmyage55 Tue 08-May-18 21:12:26

I hope my answer does not seem trite. One thing that helps when I feel very negative is working with my plants and especially at this time of year, seed trays, then potting up and watering. It is a calming routine. Do you have a balcony, sunny window or hall where you could grow things. Getting out to exercise is so hard when you feel negative but is there a ladies only water aerobics class at a nearby pool? It will not be full of skinny Minnie’s, but folks like yourself looking to loose a little weight in non weight bearing exercise usually to feel good music. Put your radio on to a cheery channel, and finally talk to your go. Much of what you describe might be attributed to low grade depression, a low thyroid or vit d deficiency. Even if my suggestions all sound horrid, hopefully they will trigger some ideas, perhaps of things you used to enjoy but as a busy mum had no time for - now you do. Knitting or crochet keeps your hand out of the sweet bag. Good luck. You have taken that first step by asking for help .... keep going. 🏌️‍♀️🚴‍♀️🏊‍♂️🧘‍♀️🏸🎹💐💐💐

Feelingmyage55 Tue 08-May-18 21:13:09

Lose

SharrySteve1 Sat 27-Jul-19 00:38:43

I think you have self worth issues which are making you look at your own self a bit negatively. But your grateful mindset overshadow your negative thoughts as you fully acknowledge and appreciate the good things in your life. Health, money (employment), contentment, these are some of the main areas of a human life and luckily you are living a comfortable life as far as these areas go. You are probably having self image issues and yes without a partner or spouse might be making you feel down from time to time. Once you accept your current problems/issues gracefully, you will gradually form new thinking patterns and will soon get out of this negative thought cycle. It is no use regretting or coveting other people's seemingly happy lives. They may be happily married, but many of them might be having health issues, employment issues or even mental issues due to any problem. Let's be thankful.

SharrySteve1 Sat 27-Jul-19 07:17:14

Another thing is, you must practise "acceptance" as this is the most powerful mental strategy you have at your disposal. It may take a bit of hard work to practise acceptance, but it is worth it as it will allow your mind to gradually find peace and comfort with your current circumstances. You need prayer too. Best of luck !

Peonyrose Sat 27-Jul-19 07:34:58

Try to set yourself goals. You count your blessings so that's good. Perhaps start by changing to a healthy eating plan, fit a walk in each day if only for half an hour. Then get your appearance sorted out when you have lost a bit of weight, get your hair done, clear out your clothes and keep those that you feel good in.. Pluck up the courage and go on a cheap cach holiday for a change of scenery. A lot of your feelings are natural, most people get down at times, although you are busy you are probably just missing real company. I do hope you start to feel better.

jeanie99 Sat 27-Jul-19 09:49:16

We are complex individuals and there's no answer that fits everyone.
My glass is half full my hubby is half empty.
It's normal to be down or feeling low at times, it's only a health issue if this takes over your life.
We all cope in different ways with our life's ups and downs.
We may think that the people who say little about their problems aren't stressed but they could be and it's all bottled up inside.
The only person you can change is you, the slippery slope of putting things off until tomorrow can be always there and only you can do anything about that whatever people might suggest.
You know what to do but getting your head around being proactive is a big step but if you can it will bring sparkle back into your life.
Life can be short isn't it worth the effort.
Best of luck

Razzmatazz123 Sun 28-Jul-19 14:21:45

We all have 3 inner voices, our inner parent, our inner adult and our inner child. If you Google parent, adult child model it should come up and explain better than me. Basically one of those inner voices can be dominant at different times. Our inner parent tends to behave like our own parent and can be positive or negative. Our inner adult is usually reasonable and our inner child, well it throws tantrums or gets happy and excited about things. You can learn how switch between them when needed. It all explains how we can have different levels of thinking about the same thing anyway.

M0nica Sun 28-Jul-19 15:35:09

Anneishere, your name, your post and your honesty show that you have everything going for you.

Have you considered whether you are depressed? Yes, I know that is an unoriginal reply, but think about it. Perhaps visit your GP and get counselling.

The practical thing you can do is set yourself tiny targets to defeat some of your problems. Perhaps for the first hour of the day if miserable thoughts invade your mind, start singing to yourself. Just an hour and gradually repeat at quiet times of the day.

Gradually do more to think positively. Others have suggested CBT and aspects of psychology to investigate and they are right.

Take tiny steps and congratulate yourself on each step you take. No quick fixes, but you can have a happier life ahead.

M0nica Sun 28-Jul-19 15:36:57

PS most of us make appointments to see our children and grand children, it is perfectly normal. Who wants people visiting who do not make sure it is convenient before they visit?

Starlady Mon 29-Jul-19 08:37:36

Um. this thread is over a year old. Not sure if Annie is still reading. But if you are, Annie, I hope you took agnurse' advice to get a physical exam and, if all were well in that department, to see a licensed therapist. And, of course, I hope you are feeling better about yourself now.